Chemotherapy seems to be making my pregnant partner hate me?

[Sweep89]

I'm completely new here, and to forums in general so forgive me if I'm not as up on the lingo as others. I'm asking this on a forum rather than of friends or family as I want unbiased answers and not just for people to take my side. I also chose mumsnet as I think the predominantly female user base will be helpful.
My partner is 8 months pregnant and is pretty uncomfortable and just generally struggling with being so pregnant. I believe that I've been supportive both emotionally and physically and until recently she's seemed happy. However, I started chemotherapy at the beginning of November and am now getting to the point where I'm starting to struggle with things. This is especially true in the days after treatment but I'm also just generally tired and weak. My hair has started falling out and I'm losing weight pretty fast. I'm still working full time as we need the money, although I'm fortunate to be able to work from home whilst having treatment. The division of labour is the same as it's always been. She cooks and I do the house work and shopping. However, I'm not as quick and have on some days put things like the hoovering off until I feel better.
Recently she has been obviously off with me and has started saying that I'm unsupportive. I've asked her to just tell me what support she needs but she doesn't seem to know. I derive a lot of self worth from being there for my family and it scares me that she would hit me with this at a time when I'm likely to get less able to support her, at least physically. I've expressed that as treatment progresses I will possible be less able to do things on certain days. Her response was that everyone has stress to deal with and they just have to get on with it. Which is true but not particularly relevant. I feel like she doesn't get what's happening here. She's also started behaving weirdly in other ways. Like the day after I've had chemo and am essentially too sick to get out of bed. She's started saying that she has a migraine, or sciatica or indigestion, then getting angry with me for being in bed because she's sick too and needs support. Again, when I asked what supporting her looks like she suggested I could bring her tea.
I'm beginning to get resentful, she's never been emotionally supportive, which is fine, I don't need it. But at this point I'm starting to ask why I should bother went she's never asked me how I feel about anything, never asked if I want tea when I'm sick and is increasingly stomping around the house huffing and puffing. I don't know what to do. She won't talk to me without getting angry.
I hope it's just hormones or her being in pain with being so pregnant. But I fear that this is the first time I've needed her and she's not very aware of other people. Maybe this is just her. Or maybe I'm missing something and only seeing it from my perspective. If that's the case please tell me. I accept that the above is my side of events and maybe I'm being selfish not doing more when she's pregnant. I had really hoped to be there for everything. I'm not deliberately withholding support I'm just struggling to keep up with everything at the moment.
I'd really appreciate some outside opinions on this. I would also value your honesty.
Thank you!

I'm asking advice on why she seems to be angry and whether it's likely to pass and possible ways forward

She is probably scared, which is translating into anger because she's feeling vulnerable.

You need to get some counselling together and communicate how you both really feel.

Do you have some counselling around the cancer and could you access some together?
It is possible that she isn’t handling the fact you are seriously ill well at all. Some people also have this head in sand attitude that makes everything harder (both my FIL and DH have been like this when FIL was ill).

However, I think she is also very callous and I would pull her up on that.
Yes she needs support etc… yes she is pregnant.
But you are the one who is going through chemo. And there is no reason why you would accept anything and everything coming from just because ‘she could be struggling with your diagnosis’.
It is ok for you to say that her remarks are not OK when they are not (the ‘everyone is struggling’ is a good one).
It is also OK for you to state what you can or can’t physically do. If you know you won’t be able to to get out if bed after a session, then you (BOTH) need to plan around that. If that means you getting support somewhere else (Eg going to your parents if they are close by) so be it. She can’t start to war of ‘I’m more ill than you’ with a migraine.

Hi,could she be worried about you but doesn't know how to talk about it and I stead is making it all about her,how she is pregnant and her pains etc,so she doesn't have to deal with all that comes with your diagnosis?
Is this selfish kind of behaviour normal for her? Please have a discussion with her,tell her or ask why she is being like this.

She does sound uncaring but then you are both going through a lot. Maybe she’s annoyed that your not taking time off work to rest? Maybe she feels like she’s missing out on the last few weeks of her pregnancy? But then you both chose to have a baby and you didn’t plan on having cancer, your treatment is the most important thing at the moment. Hopefully her behaviour is just caused by the stress of everything going on and the anxiety of how things will be when the baby arrives.

I hope the chemo goes well and good luck with the new baby.

Ah bless you Sweep. I'm sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately nobody can really say whether your partner will get over herself and be there for you. Or be less angry or indeed know why she is angry. You dont deserve to be treated so badly by your partner though, that's for sure. My only advice is to try to outsource some of cleaning while you are undergoing chemo . Try to put yourself first for once. Tbh unless your partner is experiencing a diagnosable pregnancy related condition, that is painful, life threatening or health limiting, she should really be able to manage making tea for herself...the vast majority of us pregnant women have managed to do that right up until the day we have our babies. You really need to rest. X

I’ve been through this as the pregnant partner and I can relate.

It is absolutely terrifying to be pregnant and have your partner sick with a potentially life threatening illness. The emotions that it brought up for me were insane. And when he was under the weather, feeling sad or sick from treatment it felt like another wallop and a reminder of what might be in the future. This resulted in me subconsciously refusing to accept that he might live and sorting a way emotionally for me to deal with that. And that was stopping caring for him. It wasn’t kind but it was the only way I think my pregnant body could cope with what I felt was inevitable - that I was going to bring this baby up on my own.

I don’t know if this is what is happening here but I suspect it might be. I would really recommend talking to someone together. We never did and I wish we had.

Looked after & cherished?

I'm sorry but she's having a baby by choice!

Op is undergoing gruelling treatment & still working!

Wtf is that all about?

They are the one who needs looking after!

Obviously she might be fearful for the future, but really, do women expect a great big fuss to surround them because they are pregnant?

Totally disgusting behaviour from her, I hope you don't put up with it any longer.

I agree ' looked after and cherished ' seems a bit precious. Only as much as one would do the same for the other partner . It's a 2 way street and Sweep's other half is hardly cherishing them is she?

No doubt she is terrified of how she is going to cope with a newborn and a sick partner. And the third trimester makes you angry, very angry. It's not your fault you're sick though! It's a rubbish time for both of you

I've been in this situation! I was pregnant whilst my husband was on chemo. It sucked and was incredibly lonely, and as someone who had quite a medically complex pregnancy, I had to do way more than my body could handle, simply because my body could handle more than his. It's hard to give specific advice other than definitely seek some form of therapy, either together or individually. Life has thrown so many life changing things at you in one go, and it's a huge amount for anyone to process. It's unlikely that you'll know many, if any, couples IRL who are going through anything comparable.

Yes, hormones do play a role but it's likely affecting both of you at the moment- pregnancy is full of ups and downs but so is chemo; if steroids form part of your regime than it wouldn't be unusual for your mood and emotions to be affected negatively. Hormones or not, you guys have got am awful lot to contend with and will only get through it together. You're both in need so you need to accept support wherever you can get it, keep communicating, and be each others allies right now.

Good luck!

Your partner is behaving appallingly. Pregnancy is a choice, cancer and chemotherapy is not.
I absolutely would LTB over this.

Best wishes to you OP.

If it's possible it might be a good thing for both of you to go and stay with family who can support you, separately.

I hate the "pregnant not sick" responses, especially from women who should know better. I've had multiple friends hospitalized for pregnancy complications, in constant pain for months and unable to take painkillers, having to use wheelchairs, sectioned for their own protection because they can't take the medication that keeps them functional, months of violent sickness. Good for you if you skipped merrily through all your pregnancies, not everyone has the same experience.

Clearly you two have issues to work through together and separately, but now is the time to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Chemo is not going away and neither is the due date. If you have parents or a sibling who could have you to stay for a few weeks while she has family or a friend to support her at home, that might take a lot of pressure off you both.

@Sweep89

SomeCleverPun - So you are partially right in your assessment. Its incredibly important to me to be a strong person and to be able to support myself and the people I care about. However, that's not for the benefit of anyone but myself and I disagree that trying to be self sufficient is cause for others to view me as less important. It probably does take me to long to seek support but I would emphasize that I'm not asking how to make my partner more supportive. I'm asking advice on why she seems to be angry and whether it's likely to pass and possible ways forward. Thank you for your advice though!

I'm sorry, I can't advise re her anger but I hope you have friends/family to help you out and I wish you a speedy recovery.

@Tal45

She might be absolutely terrified that the father of the baby she's about to have is seriously ill and how the hell is she going to cope. She might be terrified that she could be left alone to raise the baby. She may be emotionally unsupportive because she doesn't know how to handle her own feelings, let alone yours, when you have cancer and she's pregnant.

I would expect that you have been very absorbed in your chemo and coping with everything that has been thrown at you and feeling like you need a lot of support and she is very absorbed in her pregnancy and feeling like she needs a lot of support and neither or you really feels emotionally strong enough to support the other as they need. You're both out of spoons.

It's all about communication, but if she won't talk that makes things very difficult. Have you said simply 'you've seemed very unhappy since I've started chemotherapy, are you feeling overwhelmed?' It could be a way to get her to open up about what is going on for her. Counselling might also help with trying to unravel her emotions and how she is feeling and how you are feeling and how you can communicate better.

She may well be terrified etc etc, but she needs to pull her finger out her butt and stop being such a diva. Being harsh here but really she is pregnant not ill, and her partner is suffering a major illness and is struggling . From what he says she's got form for being emotionally unsupportive

She may well be terrified etc etc, but she needs to pull her finger out her butt and stop being such a diva. Being harsh here but really she is pregnant not ill, and her partner is suffering a major illness and is struggling

Unless of course, she has some kind of mental illness, which isn’t impossible given her partner has been diagnosed with what presumably is a life threatening illness while she is carrying their first child.

Can't believe 1% voted yabu. Wtf. Your going through chemo, working full time, doing the housework and shopping. You poor thing, I don't think I could stick around after seeing this selfish side of my partner. How awful for you, I'm sorry ypur going through this with no support

I think the responses lambasting your partner are really unhelpful- yes, pregnancy is a choice but it is hard work, life changing and gruelling on the body. This isn't a case of whose suffering is worse, it's a case of a couple going through hell and being in a situation not many can understand. As someone who has supported a partner through chemo, it is incredibly hard work for the patient as well as their loved one. Seeing someone you love sick and suffering from their illness, probably feeling even worse because of the treatment needed to treat it, absolutely sucks. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I think a lot of people are being very quick to criticise the wife. If I were 8mo pregnant and my husband was having chemo I would be terrified and really f*cking angry. Angry at the whole awful situation and that would come out in really weird ways. Both of you really need some specialist support as there are tougher times to come. Xx

Her behaviour is out of order. Chemo sucks, and getting through it is exhausting. Phone or go into your nearest macmillan/ Maggie center. Your specialist nurse should be able to provide support. Ask your partner to come along. It will be difficult, but both of you have a huge weight on your shoulders. That is by no means justification for her appalling treatment of you, but the support at Maggie could help take some of the pressure off both of you. She may not even realise how bad her attitude is. Everything pregnancy related shows ideals that don't apply to your situation or say what to do. You're in a place that needs someone to help guide you both out. My dh and I were supposed to be having a baby but instead it was surgery,chemo and rads with a family shit storm of epic proportions. You do get through it.

To the person who said pregnancy is not an illness you need to check your internalised misogyny. I've had several weeks of HG and can barely keep water down at the moment. I'm 11 weeks and all I've done really since finding out I was pregnant is move around slowly, sleep and get sick.

However chemotherapy? Sorry, that trumps HG. I'm really sorry you're being treated this way OP x

"I hate the "pregnant not sick" responses, especially from women who should know better. I've had multiple friends hospitalized for pregnancy complications, in constant pain for months and unable to take painkillers, having to use wheelchairs, sectioned for their own protection because they can't take the medication that keeps them functional, months of violent sickness. Good for you if you skipped merrily through all your pregnancies, not everyone has the same experience."

Were any of them Op's partner?

If not, it doesn't matter does it?

Really sorry you’re going through this. Having been through both radio and chemotherapy, and pregnancy (not at the same time) I really feel for you both.

Could you get some help? A cleaner, maybe pay someone to make a whole host of meals that could be frozen that along with some frozen veg can make quick and nutritious meals. A batch of soups etc.

Can you reach out to family and friends locally to help out. I’m sure she’s really worried and it’s probably coming out all wrong which is such a shame when you really need looking after.

I can understand that life is hard for you both at the moment and I really hope that you’re treatment is successful and that later in the year all will be so much better.

@CaMePlaitPas I'm sorry you have Hg. Does the op say his partner has HG? No. He doesn't. Because she doesn't. She's just a pregnant lady who is treating her partner okie shit. Your Hg is irrelevant here

@MandyMotherOfBrian

She’s eight months pregnant and you’re undergoing chemotherapy. I imagine she is absolutely terrified about what the future may hold. You haven’t mentioned your prognosis or how much you have discussed that together. Her reaction may be necessary self preservation. I was literally a week away from giving birth to our first DD when my DH was diagnosed with cancer. We were also in a very precarious financial situation and he was in the middle of an employment dispute for constructive dismissal (we had to settle in the end precisely because of his diagnosis and not being able to continue to fight it). We had also just moved away, across the country away from all of my friends and family. I literally had to leave him to get on with it himself - I simply couldn’t do anything other than look after myself and my new baby and try to block everything else out, I would not have survived otherwise and I couldn’t even begin to think about tomorrow, I could only deal with today. At that moment I had no idea if he was even going to survive and yes, I was bloody angry, but not with him - but I wouldn’t have been able to express that even if he’d been up to discussing it. Two years later, after he recovered, baby no2 and financial security returning, I actually had a breakdown. We discuss the past sometimes and my DH understands perfectly why I had to concentrate on myself and the baby. I only visited him once when he was in hospital, a few days after giving birth, when he was recovering from his first operation to remove a kidney. I also suffered a traumatic delivery - the sort of situation where I should probably have brought a complaint against the hospital, but I couldn’t do that either, I literally had to pretend none of it was happening for the sake of my own mental health. I will be eternally grateful to DH ex wife who basically took charge - liaising with his surgeon and doing the visiting and giving me all the relevant information I needed to know. She even brought me meals for the first week or so or I wouldn’t have eaten. She also gave him the support he needed that I couldn’t do at the time. Is there anyone else who can help and offer you both a shoulder, an ear and just general support?

Each to their own and all that, but I wouldn't have left my DH to cope on his own under these circumstances . His ex wife sounds more supportive than you