Threads

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

To think he's cheated again. Wtf do I do now
176

Satinmycar · 17/01/2022 12:01

Will try and be brief
Divorced a few years ago and met current boyfriend 3 years ago. All going great , holiday together, met each others families , introduced slowly to My DC who all love him to bits. He lives stays over probably 5 nights now out of 7 . My house , rented. He owns his own and has a tenant in one room and still has his own room there .

About 18 months in I had suspicions of cheating. Strange messages, cagey round his phone . I did some digging and I was right . He denied for ages then minimised . One night he confessed . It was sex workers loads of times . We split. Stayed friends we also have mutual friends through a shared hobby families know each other. Both upset and losing the other fully from each others lives.

Just before Christmas he asked to try again this time properly . Him staying more (last time ot was only a night or two a week) He's changed his location for work which is 15 min drive from me now. We have been looking at dates for a family holiday in the summer..kids over the moon, so happy, then I find out Saturday when he went out with friends and stayed at his house he called an escort at 2am in the morning. No texts or wattsapps (prob been deleted) but his wattsapp call log shows it. Qlso same thing in mid December one night when he was there. Same person . Same night there were searches for Craigslist viva Street and adult work.

Now what do I do. If we split again we won't be able to remain in contact or friends. It will be a total no contact. Means me losing all the mutual friends and the shared interest being very difficult awkward even impossible.

Children are robust and adaptable but they will be absolutely heartbroken.. they have little contact with rheor own dad as hes useless and they love this man. My youngest made him a key ring saying step dad at Christmas after we got back together. There's no children together (can't have them) so that's not an issue. He has his house I have mine. I feel absolutely sick can't stop shaking. Hearts pounding. When he came back home to mine yesterday he couldn't stop cuddling me , staring at me saying I am amazing and so beautiful. Guilty conscience ???

I feel sick and don't know what to do

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

sofato5miles · 17/01/2022 12:06

You do know what to do. It is just awful and scary and not your fault. So annoying and the impact will be shit but that can't stop you

Please
or
to access all these features

JayniSummers · 17/01/2022 12:15

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Please
or
to access all these features

ToykotoLosAngeles · 17/01/2022 12:18

He won't change. Flowers I'm sorry.

I'd end it and make sure all the mutual friends know why!

Please
or
to access all these features

Poptart4 · 17/01/2022 12:18

It won't be easy but you have to leave this man for good. He won't stop having sex with prostitute's. The kids will be disappointed but thats no reason to put up with this.

Have you been tested for STI'S?

Please
or
to access all these features

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/01/2022 12:19

You absolutely have to get rid of him. There’s no other option, no matter how much you wish there was. It will be carte blanche to cheat if you do, whatever he says

Be really careful before bringing another man into your lives.

Please
or
to access all these features

Skeumorph · 17/01/2022 12:19

Shock

So you discovered that the guy you were seeing was a disgusting misogynistic skank who buys womens' bodies, and you got back together, let him utilise your home even more so that presumably he can now basically more or less rent his house out with the extra benefit of the tenant having sole 'occupancy', and you let him back into your childrens' lives to the extent that they see him as a father figure?

He showed you exactly who he was.

Whose friends are the 'mutual' ones, really? (It's always more one way than the other). If his - leave him to it. If they are genuinely close to you - tell him he either backs away gracefully from both them and the shared activity or you tell everyone why you dumped him. Skanky punter.

Don't stop going to the activity, just tell him to keep the hell away from you.

Please
or
to access all these features

Skeumorph · 17/01/2022 12:21

Oh and he also showed you, back then and he's showing you again now, that he has absolutely not one shred of respect for you. If that makes it easier.

Not surprising though really as one thing all the skank punters have in common is that they do not respect women. They use women, they abuse women, they categorically do not see them as human beings or have any respect for them.

He just used you in a different way, for different benefits. As you can now see.

Get angry and make sure he never sets his skank eyes on your precious children again.

Please
or
to access all these features

NoVaxDjokovic · 17/01/2022 12:21

This guy cares so much about you and your family that he is off shagging prostitutes?

Dump him. Stay friends with your friends. If they ask why, tell them the truth that he chose prostitutes over you.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. He does.

Please
or
to access all these features

Satinmycar · 17/01/2022 12:22

I have done sex work myself very briefly in my early twenties a zillion years ago. Was a student and needed the cash . Some men have those views , there are lots of reasons men use sex workers. I take ur point of view I just don't have the
Mental energy to debate the rights and wrongs of sex work and have a bun fight about why men use them at the moment

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

arethereanyleftatall · 17/01/2022 12:23

Please tell us 'what do I do' isn't a serious question. Of course you finish with him straight away, and never see him again. OF COURSE you do. Op, he's had sex with prostitutes. That makes him the lowest of the low. I'm sorry but this is absolutely ridiculous.

Please
or
to access all these features

Brogues · 17/01/2022 12:23

You split - for good. Tell all mutual friends why and if any stick by him well that shows their colours too. Why the fuck do you want him around you or your kids!?!

Please
or
to access all these features

HeadToToesNo · 17/01/2022 12:23

You need to remove him from your household.
Do not protect him, he's the one that has actively chosen to break up the family, not you.
I'm sorry, I know this must feel like a nightmare, but it's better than staying with him.

Please
or
to access all these features

SlashBeef · 17/01/2022 12:24

@JayniSummers

If you are in any doubt about how men like your partner view and use women , take some time to read the reviews of escorts onhttps://www.ukpunting.com/index.php?board=25.13350 . Your partner is no man to be near your children

This.
You know what to do.
Please
or
to access all these features

Satinmycar · 17/01/2022 12:26

One of them is his brother who I knew before I met him. The others are people through shared interest. I suspect they will mainly keep his company. They also won't be drawn into the details of it all. He will have his take no doubt. I think if I wanted to have a drink with them now and then je would respect that and stay away . Hes never been unkind to me (other than lying and risking my sexual and mental health) laughs sarcastically

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

abigailsnan · 17/01/2022 12:26

He is not going to stop this behaviour and you know this so stop it now before it goes too far,you and your children will be devastated of course
but you will get over it in the end best of luck for the future you deserve it.

Please
or
to access all these features

WorriedMumsDontSleep · 17/01/2022 12:28

Look Morales, sex work and cheating aside for the moment.

This man has an addiction. It was wildly naive to think he would just 'stop' the addiction if you got back together. Would you expect it of an alcoholic? Sex work/porn addiction will follow a similar pattern.

So, what you are asking is if it is ok to compromise your own norales and show your children a poor example of how to deal with such behaviour. If you accept what this man has done you are accepting it in the future. Thus you are showing your children that it's ok to disregard your own boundaries to keep a relationship afloat.

Far more damaging in the long run than cutting ties.

Make new friends. I'd not want to be friends with people who would be apologists for this behaviour.

Please
or
to access all these features

Skeumorph · 17/01/2022 12:30

@Satinmycar

I have done sex work myself very briefly in my early twenties a zillion years ago. Was a student and needed the cash . Some men have those views , there are lots of reasons men use sex workers. I take ur point of view I just don't have the
Mental energy to debate the rights and wrongs of sex work and have a bun fight about why men use them at the moment

Not asking that of you at all, OP. No bun fight here!

I'm angry for you as a person who doesn't deserve that. I'm angry for your children. I'm also angry at these kind of men and how the whole industry is there, feeding the worst of the worst kind of people at the expense of the physical and mental health of so many women.

Get away from him.
NEVER think you are the unreasonable one.
Protect your kids.

It sounds as if the ties you have with him aren't really worth holding on to. New friends? New activity-??

It's definitely worth some restructuring of your life to make sure you never have to think about him again.
Please
or
to access all these features

Brainwave89 · 17/01/2022 12:31

It sounds like he is addicted to prostitutes. Personally I would end the relationship. He needs to seek help for his issues.

Please
or
to access all these features

billy1966 · 17/01/2022 12:36

@Skeumorph

Shock

So you discovered that the guy you were seeing was a disgusting misogynistic skank who buys womens' bodies, and you got back together, let him utilise your home even more so that presumably he can now basically more or less rent his house out with the extra benefit of the tenant having sole 'occupancy', and you let him back into your childrens' lives to the extent that they see him as a father figure?

He showed you exactly who he was.

Whose friends are the 'mutual' ones, really? (It's always more one way than the other). If his - leave him to it. If they are genuinely close to you - tell him he either backs away gracefully from both them and the shared activity or you tell everyone why you dumped him. Skanky punter.

Don't stop going to the activity, just tell him to keep the hell away from you.

Excellent post.

He is scum and you should not want him around your children.
Please
or
to access all these features

MyCatStaresAtMe · 17/01/2022 12:42

When a man crosses that line of going through with paying for sex after the initial contact it’s something that is convenient and easy for him. It’s highly unlikely he will ever stop.

For them it’s like browsing a huge candy store and trying something different/new each time.

Please
or
to access all these features

TillyTopper · 17/01/2022 12:54

I'm sorry this has happened to you again, OP, but you know exactly what to do. You leave him and this time make sure he stays dumped!

Please
or
to access all these features

TheSnowyOwl · 17/01/2022 12:56

You either end things and move on or you accept it and don’t let it bother you. In reality, I don’t know anyone who would be able to manage the second option.

Please
or
to access all these features

Satinmycar · 17/01/2022 12:58

Hes someone who has an impulsive personality is a thrill seeker/ Risk taker. This is obviously part of it. When I caught him out ages ago we discussed it all and he said in the past when single he had spent alot of money on sex workers . It was the buzz not knowing who would turn up and things like that. Its not a state of mind I really understand if I am honest. He said the sex didn't mean anything as he loves me . I can only think he's into something particular with them he won't tell me about. I have asked but he won't really discuss that side of it. He just says there's nothing wrong wrong with me , he's happy with our sex life . He can't be really . This has just shattered my confidence. I was so low after last time. I missed him so much , really hoped he would sort himself out so not to lose me. I became so depressed and unhappy . I felt actively suicidal in the summer . At the moment I feel nothing. I am just numb. Will hit me at some stage

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

R0tational · 17/01/2022 13:00

Gross. Your poor kids.

Please
or
to access all these features

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 17/01/2022 13:01

@Satinmycar

I have done sex work myself very briefly in my early twenties a zillion years ago. Was a student and needed the cash . Some men have those views , there are lots of reasons men use sex workers. I take ur point of view I just don't have the
Mental energy to debate the rights and wrongs of sex work and have a bun fight about why men use them at the moment

You have an added perspective on how grim and exploitative this work can be then

Does he know about this?

In any event get rid of him you could catch anything and you clearly cannot trust him. Your children won’t be heartbroken if they knew their mother’s partner was shagging sex workers they would think you were mad for tolerating it. He is NO role mode to then and no amount of friends or anything else takes away from the fact you cannot trust this man he doesn’t respect you and your absolutely should remove him completely from your lives.
Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.