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Original poster

To think he's cheated again. Wtf do I do now

176 replies

Satinmycar · 17/01/2022 12:01

Will try and be brief
Divorced a few years ago and met current boyfriend 3 years ago. All going great , holiday together, met each others families , introduced slowly to My DC who all love him to bits. He lives stays over probably 5 nights now out of 7 . My house , rented. He owns his own and has a tenant in one room and still has his own room there .

About 18 months in I had suspicions of cheating. Strange messages, cagey round his phone . I did some digging and I was right . He denied for ages then minimised . One night he confessed . It was sex workers loads of times . We split. Stayed friends we also have mutual friends through a shared hobby families know each other. Both upset and losing the other fully from each others lives.

Just before Christmas he asked to try again this time properly . Him staying more (last time ot was only a night or two a week) He's changed his location for work which is 15 min drive from me now. We have been looking at dates for a family holiday in the summer..kids over the moon, so happy, then I find out Saturday when he went out with friends and stayed at his house he called an escort at 2am in the morning. No texts or wattsapps (prob been deleted) but his wattsapp call log shows it. Qlso same thing in mid December one night when he was there. Same person . Same night there were searches for Craigslist viva Street and adult work.

Now what do I do. If we split again we won't be able to remain in contact or friends. It will be a total no contact. Means me losing all the mutual friends and the shared interest being very difficult awkward even impossible.

Children are robust and adaptable but they will be absolutely heartbroken.. they have little contact with rheor own dad as hes useless and they love this man. My youngest made him a key ring saying step dad at Christmas after we got back together. There's no children together (can't have them) so that's not an issue. He has his house I have mine. I feel absolutely sick can't stop shaking. Hearts pounding. When he came back home to mine yesterday he couldn't stop cuddling me , staring at me saying I am amazing and so beautiful. Guilty conscience ???

I feel sick and don't know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Satinmycar · 17/01/2022 13:03

My 'poor' kids have absolutely no idea. I am very angry people would feel sorry for them and judge me for something that 1 they no nothing about and 2 isn't my fault or of my choosing .

OP posts:
Original poster
Satinmycar · 17/01/2022 13:05

Yes he knows of my past . When we were first getting to know each other I told him in case he found out from someone else (my ex for example ) he seemed shocked, said he had friends who had used sex workers but its not something that had ever appealed to him or he'd done. Then the truth came out over a year later

OP posts:
MiddleAgedKick · 17/01/2022 13:05

I wouldn't knowingly have a man who routinely used sex workers anywhere near my children. They are lowlife scumbags afaic. I do not feel this way about sex workers themselves btw. You having done it before isn't relevant. It doesn't mean you have to tolerate shit men who think they can buy the use of a woman's body for their own entertainment. He's a foul pig and you need rid. His brother too if he doesn't care about him cheating on you "loads of times with sex workers".

So sorry op. He's a shithead.

AnyFucker · 17/01/2022 13:08

You are seriously consider it an option to stay with this man ? Confused

He isn’t cheating as such, because you know what he is doing. He is an habitual user of prostitutes and he isn’t going to stop.

Decide if this is the man for you, or not.

SlashBeef · 17/01/2022 13:10

It is your choice to get back with him/stay in the relationship though. So people feel bad for the "poor kids" because if you do choose to keep someone like this around them, it's sad.
He fooled you once, shame on him. If you stay no then it's shame on you.

SlashBeef · 17/01/2022 13:10

*now

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 17/01/2022 13:11

@Satinmycar

My 'poor' kids have absolutely no idea. I am very angry people would feel sorry for them and judge me for something that 1 they no nothing about and 2 isn't my fault or of my choosing .
Do you honestly not see the damage ?bringing a man who exploits women and enables unregulated violent misogyny by virtue of his predilection for paying for sex in whatever shape or form into your children lives? It has the potential to cause huge damage in pervasive and insidious ways as well as make them potentially radically reframe their estimation of you as well as him

Stop lamenting and kick him out. Honestly you might as well pay for these women if he stays. You will already be emotionally bankrolling it if you let him stick around. You have at that point emotionally harmed yourself

preperri · 17/01/2022 13:12

You'll feel resentment if you stay friends at the moment

No need to make a big deal out of it or 'have a talk', or tell your kids or others the details it's no ones business but between you two.
Your options are to go no contact for a few months until you've healed. You don't owe this person an explanation
Alternatively cut him off completely because you'll be able to make other friends

SuspiciousHumanoid · 17/01/2022 13:19

So he asked you again before Christmas to try again, even though he was still paying women to rape them.

Have you considered he may have wanted a more convenient location for work?

It’s not even the end of January yet and you’ve already found out again that he’s a cheating scumbag. I’m surprised you need to ask to be honest. Pick up your self respect woman, this man is not worthy of you.

CaMePlaitPas · 17/01/2022 13:22

This isn't the type of man I'd want my kids around.

334bu · 17/01/2022 13:25

Get yourself checked for STDs as well?

IncompleteSenten · 17/01/2022 13:29

If you don't know what to do try to reduce it to a yes no question.

Do you want to be in a relationship with a man who is unfaithful and uses prostituted women?

Yes you do or no you don't.

It's clear that him stopping isn't an option. He's proven that quite clearly.

So stay with him and accept he fucks other women

Or end things and tell mutual friends why.

Freecuthbert · 17/01/2022 13:29

You need to get rid of him. Shouldn't have tried to make things work again, but it's pointless dwelling on what you should/could have done differently. Ditch him now and move on with your life, don't even keep in touch with him in the slightest. He's a vile person and I think very lowly of men who contribute to the exploitation and/or trafficking of women.

Applesonthelawn · 17/01/2022 13:29

Put your children first, always, without any hesitation. They cannot have this man in their lives. They cannot grow up seeing you normalise that kind of behaviour just to stay with him, or with you two arguing about it, or watching you being belittled/demeaned by it. They have to know right from wrong. You have to be the one to show them. Your children are way more important than any of this nonsense. They need you to lead the way on it.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 17/01/2022 13:32

@Satinmycar

Hes someone who has an impulsive personality is a thrill seeker/ Risk taker. This is obviously part of it. When I caught him out ages ago we discussed it all and he said in the past when single he had spent alot of money on sex workers . It was the buzz not knowing who would turn up and things like that. Its not a state of mind I really understand if I am honest. He said the sex didn't mean anything as he loves me . I can only think he's into something particular with them he won't tell me about. I have asked but he won't really discuss that side of it. He just says there's nothing wrong wrong with me , he's happy with our sex life . He can't be really . This has just shattered my confidence. I was so low after last time. I missed him so much , really hoped he would sort himself out so not to lose me. I became so depressed and unhappy . I felt actively suicidal in the summer . At the moment I feel nothing. I am just numb. Will hit me at some stage
I can only think he's into something particular with them he won't tell me about. I have asked but he won't really discuss that side of it. He just says there's nothing wrong wrong with me , he's happy with our sex life . He can't be really

You consent and want to have sex with him. He has to at least feign respect.
He pays these women and coerces their consent. He does not have to pretend to respect them. He won’t be facing them over the dinner table a few hours later so can degrade and humiliate them without any shred of guilt.

That’s the difference.

What you choose to put up with is your business but this now affects your children. It is your job as a parent to protect them from people like this.

blyn · 17/01/2022 13:35

You do not need a man who uses escorts.

Cindie943811A · 17/01/2022 13:39

OP the odds are he’ll never change so why prolong the agony. He thinks he can compartmentalise his emotional life with you and his sex addiction but it doesn’t work like that. Well known figures who have confessed to the addiction have had years of expensive therapy with probably little success — usually after they’ve been outed by public media.
Any promises made are therefore worthless. Better to have a clean break than for your DC to be disillusioned

pilates · 17/01/2022 13:39

I don’t see how you can continue with this relationship. The trust has completely gone and yes you need to get yourself tested.

TheChemicalMother · 17/01/2022 13:43

Oh OP, you deserve much much better.

I am so sorry, he has betrayed you, and as you say, put your health and mental health at risk.

He seems addicted and he will not : cannot put his appetite for sex workers aside, however much he says he loves you.

If you stay you are placing yourself in a harem of women, both bought and consenting (you), that he picks and chooses from at will.

Your self esteem must already be in shreds.

Whether or not your children come to know of what he does, your misery, unease and battered self esteem will not be a happy family life.

Pretending things are OK robs you if your spontaneity, your authentic emotions, the heart of you.

He has to go.

I am sorry his behaviour has made it so.

SummerWhisper · 17/01/2022 13:45

The saddest part of this is his complete disdain for your child who elevated him to the status of step-dad with that beautiful gift and the fucker tore it up mentally and threw it in the bin because he couldn't control his dick. His need to exploit vulnerable women matters more to him than your child bestowing him that honour. It's too cruel.

Buildingthefuture · 17/01/2022 13:45

@JayniSummers - MY GOD!!!! I followed that link Angry. That is utterly bloody HORRIFIC. Rancid bastards!!!!
OP, he has to go. Now. No further conversation, just get him out.

Moonface123 · 17/01/2022 13:46

You need to raise your standards,. you make terrible choices when it comes to men, and your children sadly will be affected by it.
It all sounds so depressing, he is a lowlife,. and your clutching at straws making the lamest of excuses.
Why are you not angry and ashamed of his behaviour, its sickening ?
Maybe try and get some counseling so you are aware what a healthy relationship looks like.

blackcurrantjam · 17/01/2022 13:47

OP get rid of him and build a life you're proud of Flowers

User135644 · 17/01/2022 13:48

Sounds like Madonna-Whore complex.

TooWicked · 17/01/2022 13:51

I am very angry people would feel sorry for them and judge me for something that 1 they no nothing about and 2 isn't my fault or of my choosing .

Save your anger for your darling partner who is buying women’s bodies.

And if you stay with him it won’t be long before 1. Your poor kids do know about it and 2. Yes, it will be a situation of your choosing.

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