To think he's cheated again. Wtf do I do now

[Satinmycar]

Will try and be brief
Divorced a few years ago and met current boyfriend 3 years ago. All going great , holiday together, met each others families , introduced slowly to My DC who all love him to bits. He lives stays over probably 5 nights now out of 7 . My house , rented. He owns his own and has a tenant in one room and still has his own room there .

About 18 months in I had suspicions of cheating. Strange messages, cagey round his phone . I did some digging and I was right . He denied for ages then minimised . One night he confessed . It was sex workers loads of times . We split. Stayed friends we also have mutual friends through a shared hobby families know each other. Both upset and losing the other fully from each others lives.

Just before Christmas he asked to try again this time properly . Him staying more (last time ot was only a night or two a week) He's changed his location for work which is 15 min drive from me now. We have been looking at dates for a family holiday in the summer..kids over the moon, so happy, then I find out Saturday when he went out with friends and stayed at his house he called an escort at 2am in the morning. No texts or wattsapps (prob been deleted) but his wattsapp call log shows it. Qlso same thing in mid December one night when he was there. Same person . Same night there were searches for Craigslist viva Street and adult work.

Now what do I do. If we split again we won't be able to remain in contact or friends. It will be a total no contact. Means me losing all the mutual friends and the shared interest being very difficult awkward even impossible.

Children are robust and adaptable but they will be absolutely heartbroken.. they have little contact with rheor own dad as hes useless and they love this man. My youngest made him a key ring saying step dad at Christmas after we got back together. There's no children together (can't have them) so that's not an issue. He has his house I have mine. I feel absolutely sick can't stop shaking. Hearts pounding. When he came back home to mine yesterday he couldn't stop cuddling me , staring at me saying I am amazing and so beautiful. Guilty conscience ???

I feel sick and don't know what to do

Yuk.

OP, people are angry at him on your behalf. Find your own anger rather than bring defensive.

Be furious at him. How DARE he re-start the relationship, accept such a Christmas gift, and he can’t be alone for less than 24 hours without buying sex. How DARE he play with you, gamble your relationship, trash your family like that?

Get angry, OP, very angry. Boy at him, not MNers.

Your poor children.

And of course they know - you split up, got back together and - hopefully- will split again. Why are you inflicting this life on them?

You have to realise your own worth. This person is a scumbag. A cheat. A liar. Normal, decent men in a relationship and stepdad to innocent children shouldn’t be doing this. Leave him. You absolutely deserve much more than this utter prick. If you let him get away with this AGAIN, worse will happen. And I wouldn’t let a ‘man’ like that in the same room as my children.

Yes he took that honour and has shit all over it. I am absolutely shattered. Its on him. There's nothing I could have done to stop it , prevent it and its not my job to police a grown man with zex workers after he's been drinking. ..

He asked me about giving it another go before he asked to transfer. This place is nearer me but no difference in distance from the old base when he drove from his house. He has literally moved and changed all his shifts so he's around more to see me and the kids. That I will defend him on .

I feel physically sick. It doesn't matter but I am tortured with what she looks like. She's been calling him and messaging asking if he wants to see her. It would appear she calls and he often ignores or only answers much later. She actually called him Friday when he was with me but he didn't pick it up (I had gone up to bed he was eating in front of the TV) its that blatant fucking disrespect .

How do I now confront . I have a couple of ideas . Should i just bag his stuff up put it in my car suggest going for a drink and when out in public so I don't completely lose the plot to him I know and hand the stuff back . Away from the house away from the kids?? Once this is out there's going to be absolutely no coming back from it .

Christ I feel sick can't stop shaking

You are angry because people feel sorry for your DC? Hang on a minute, we feel bad for your DC because they have become attached to a man who has zero respect for their Mum. One of your DC made him a lovely key ring with a significant role attached to it...and instead of thinking 'Shit, I am in deep here, I better either stop the sex workers or end this relationship' your 'DP' has just continued to do what the fuck he wants. He holds you in contempt OP. That is shit for any kid.

Don't even get me started on the kind of man who will penetrate a women when she doesn't want him to, but has to let him because its transactional and she needs money. We are a forum of women, many of us mothers and many of us are bothered about other woman and their children. We are never, ever going to be interested in what is going on in this arseholes mind, he isn't worth our thoughts. We are angry on behalf of you and your DC. Can't you see that? We are angry that men can put themselves inside a reluctant woman because society places loads of emphasis on cash and very little emphasis on respecting women. We are angry at the attitudes of these men towards women are so grim and vile and are part of a wider system that allows men to rape, beat and murder women. Of course we are bloody angry!

OP you need to raise your standards. This man pays to rape women.

He is a shit, and is shitting all over you. Don't let him continue to erode your self esteem.

Please don't drag this out any longer to be cheated on and used further, the sooner you dump him the better for the children's sake. You need to go no contact so you're not tempted by his BS, if the mutual friends side with him then they're not really your friends anyway, find new ones. He's addicted to using prostitutes for sex by the sounds of it, that's a pretty grim trait in a man - why would you want that around your children?

@Satinmycar it definitely IS on him. This is his awful shit to deal with. Why should you be involved in something so dark and grim? Not yours. Cut him out of your life. Don't even bother explaining or confronting him. He deserves zero of your time. Nothing. Just your silence, nothing else.

He’s a shit, not any kind of role model for your children, get rid.
If you keep him, he won’t change and your kids will watch and learn, and lose respect for you.
It’s tough, but it’s time to be brave.

OP, you put his stuff in a bag and leave it outside the house. Text him to tell him it's there and tell him that he is not to knock on the door and upset the children.

Tell him it's over.

"Should i just bag his stuff up put it in my car suggest going for a drink and when out in public so I don't completely lose the plot to him I know and hand the stuff back . Away from the house away from the kids?? "

This sounds like a really sensible plan. Best to do it away from the house so there is no chance of the kids walking in on the discussion and bagging up his things before hand means it can be a clean break for you.

This is really tough on you and I feel extraordinarily sorry for you as well as your kids but they are resilient - you are their number 1 remember and you will still be there consistently for them so they will move past this. Be kind to yourself over the coming days and weeks as it will be tough but you are making the best choice for your health and your happiness.

Just get rid. Stop trying to understand it or make excuses for it.

It's the absolute last thing you need for you or your children.

You know what you need to do. You should have done it 18 months ago. I think you were wrong to give him a second chance but what's done is done. But giving him a third chance would not only be incredibly self-destructive to you it would be potentially damaging to your children.

Just do it.

You are worth more than this @Satinmycar and deep down you know that.

So that's the second useless father figure the children have had in their short lives? Once you extricate yourself from this sham of a relationship, please put them first and stay single until they're older. They deserve better.

It sounds like you have a low expectation/bar with men. What was tour relati9nship with your father like?

No one here can tell you to leave him for good - that's something only you can decide and you do sound like you're making a lot of excuses for him.

I could never sleep with someone who'd been sticking their dick into god knows who.

He doesn't love you. You give him the stability of a "normal" relationship and family life that he wants - he also wants the thrill of having sex other women whenever he fancies it. It's probably some kind of kink he's into. It makes men feel powerful to buy women and tell them exactly what to do. A man who respects women doesn't do this. He may seem like he respects you but it's an act to get the parts of you he wants and that are beneficial to him. It's all about him.

He won't stop doing it - you know that.

Can you live live that for the rest of your life? Wondering where he is? Who he's with?

I wouldn't live like that for a million quid.

How many people are you honestly expecting to tell you to stay with the habitual prostitution client?

You can do this.

@Satinmycar

My 'poor' kids have absolutely no idea. I am very angry people would feel sorry for them and judge me for something that 1 they no nothing about and 2 isn't my fault or of my choosing .

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

Point 2 - if you condone this AGAIN, your supporting his behaviour and green lighting it.

You deserve better

Wtf is your kid calling him stepdad for?

That’s wrong and you know it.

Somehow what you were grieving was the idealised relationship in your head, but it doesn’t exist!

You don’t do it for him sexually perhaps, he can’t tell you so it may be really gross but perhaps he just gets off on the power dynamic.

This isn’t anything you have done, it’s all on him, but if you tolerate this when he “lost” you before and it’s no threat to him because he sobbed and you let him back, what NEXT? He’s addicted to thrill seeking, risk taking and unhealthy power dynamics. What next for a man with insatiable needs and no moral compass?

Bag up his stuff and leave outside- no contact whatever-apart from a note saying you know he likes prostitutes.
I’m so sorry-you deserve real happiness and you would never get it with this man

@Tempusfudgeit

So that's the second useless father figure the children have had in their short lives? Once you extricate yourself from this sham of a relationship, please put them first and stay single until they're older. They deserve better.

That’s unfair and judgemental!

By all means bin him, but it’s absolutely possible to work on oneself and ‘fix’ the vulnerabilities that attract arseholes

You end it.

There will be other friends. If they drop you then they aren't friends. They should drop him.

@Satinmycar

My 'poor' kids have absolutely no idea. I am very angry people would feel sorry for them and judge me for something that 1 they no nothing about and 2 isn't my fault or of my choosing .

Ignore those posts, they're just hand wringing, faux concern, they just want a judgemental dig.

@Satinmycar
I’m so sorry. It’s not you, it’s him. Take some deep breaths. Have you got any real life support?
Wishing you all the very best. What a fool he is.

@Satinmycar

I have done sex work myself very briefly in my early twenties a zillion years ago. Was a student and needed the cash . Some men have those views , there are lots of reasons men use sex workers. I take ur point of view I just don't have the Mental energy to debate the rights and wrongs of sex work and have a bun fight about why men use them at the moment

Then don't

However this is your reality check: Men who use sex workers don't respect women. For lots of reasons.

You are now on the receiving end of this.

You have a choice:
Either stay with him on the understanding that he doesn't respect you, he will probably lie and do this again, he is putting your own health at risk and the truth will probably eventually come out later and hurt your kids

Or ditch him, move on with your life, get some much needed self respect, protect the kids as best you can, understand that mutual friends who stick by a man who cheats on his serious gf who has kids are probably not really your besties anyway.

Yep its that either / or and cold hard reality.

There is no grey area on this one I'm afraid.