To think he's cheated again. Wtf do I do now

[Satinmycar]

Will try and be brief
Divorced a few years ago and met current boyfriend 3 years ago. All going great , holiday together, met each others families , introduced slowly to My DC who all love him to bits. He lives stays over probably 5 nights now out of 7 . My house , rented. He owns his own and has a tenant in one room and still has his own room there .

About 18 months in I had suspicions of cheating. Strange messages, cagey round his phone . I did some digging and I was right . He denied for ages then minimised . One night he confessed . It was sex workers loads of times . We split. Stayed friends we also have mutual friends through a shared hobby families know each other. Both upset and losing the other fully from each others lives.

Just before Christmas he asked to try again this time properly . Him staying more (last time ot was only a night or two a week) He's changed his location for work which is 15 min drive from me now. We have been looking at dates for a family holiday in the summer..kids over the moon, so happy, then I find out Saturday when he went out with friends and stayed at his house he called an escort at 2am in the morning. No texts or wattsapps (prob been deleted) but his wattsapp call log shows it. Qlso same thing in mid December one night when he was there. Same person . Same night there were searches for Craigslist viva Street and adult work.

Now what do I do. If we split again we won't be able to remain in contact or friends. It will be a total no contact. Means me losing all the mutual friends and the shared interest being very difficult awkward even impossible.

Children are robust and adaptable but they will be absolutely heartbroken.. they have little contact with rheor own dad as hes useless and they love this man. My youngest made him a key ring saying step dad at Christmas after we got back together. There's no children together (can't have them) so that's not an issue. He has his house I have mine. I feel absolutely sick can't stop shaking. Hearts pounding. When he came back home to mine yesterday he couldn't stop cuddling me , staring at me saying I am amazing and so beautiful. Guilty conscience ???

I feel sick and don't know what to do

It appears we are several threads down now and op is still hoping something can be salvaged from this shitshow.

Er no.
I just don’t like a pile on.

Its not a pile one. OP knows what she needs to do. She's asked for advice and she's been told.

He won't change, his lifestyle is putting her at risk and in turn putting her children at risk, and the fact that she is feeling "suicidal" about ending things with such a toxic man indicates she would benefit from councelling to help her make better future choices to protect herself and her children.

Unfortunately as a lone parent, co parenting with as she describes a "useless dad" she does have a duty of care when it comes who she welcomes into her children's lives.

You do what you should have done the first time. Ltb.

Yes she’s certainly been told.

Very satisfying for you all I’m sure.

I remember your previous threads where you were so devastated you couldn’t function. I hope you get the help you need to call it a day once and for all.

Good grief you are worth so much more than this toad of a bloke!
The mutuals don’t seem like they’re worth keeping the toad around for .
He’s a sex addict/ risk addiction- let him crawl back under a rock

I mean...clearly OP doesn't get the message. Give it another few months and she'll be bedridden with heartbreak again and we'll get telling her to get rid of him again and her kids will be confused about losing a father figure again.

To be honest @BlueFlavour I hate it, I find the miriad ways men find to destroy women's confidence, mental health and faith in themselves and others absolutely infuriating and exhausting, but what can you do?

If someone seeks advice what do you do, tell them to stay and hope things change? Tell them they've made their bed? I prefer to say its worth investing in themselves and the ones that really matter. OP can chose to take advice or not.

I don't feel any satisfaction that the OP or any woman who posts her for relationship advice feels like her heath has been torn out and her life is in shreds. I just hope they can find strenght to move on and find a way out of their situation.

I know what needs to be done .
I have taken the small baby step of removing all his friends and family from my social media . Only q small thing but something I didn't do before and it's one cut of the links between us. I will get stronger to face everything else in the coming days .

Get on to Women's Aid OP, do the Freedom Programme, address the reasons why you've let it get this far, never never let this happen again to be a better parent.

OP, I commented on your 5/20 thread and have read the others. I truly hope that you will stop self-harming and sabotaging your/your children’s lives by clinging to this horrible man.

You’ve spent years engaging in crisis after crisis with him. You’ve known from early on that he:
*Contacts/Uses prostitutes
*Pursues/Meets up with women from dating sites
*Gets phone numbers from random women walking down the street
*Lies about used condoms in his room
*Sells drugs
*Abuses drugs
*Abuses alcohol
*Gambles

His disloyalty and degradation of you were on display when he (1) mocked you to his friends for believing his lies; (2) lied to them that he didn’t want you at a gathering but you wouldn’t take no for an answer, when in truth he had invited you; and (3) laughed to them that he should have waited to become single after lockdown was over.

It’s no surprise that this long-time Punter is still using sex workers. He has purchased women’s bodies for years, probably for a decade or more. He’s not going to stop.

OP, he is a malignancy in the lives of you and your 4 children. Are you going to find your agency and take definitive action to walk away for good?

OP - it's good to see the you know what means to be done and you've taken a step in the right direction, but I'm confused about why your first step is removing his friends and relatives from your social media? Surely the first step is to finish the relationship? Have you done this? If not, you really have to rip off the band aid and get it over with, hard as it is

And then have some time improving your relationship with YOURSELF - do some stuff that you enjoy that affirms the person you are. Look into the Freedom Programme/some counselling to get to the root of why you think you are worth so little.

Please get tested.

I have arranged to see a friend tomorrow for a coffee and next Friday evening for a few hours. Asked my brother about an activity in April together so I am trying to pencil in a few upcoming things for me to focus on.

I don't know why I deleted all the mutual people. I guess it's the first way of cutting ties. Also deleted all the messages from him his brother and mutual friends and deleted all their numbers . Probably so I am not tempted to contact them or lose the plot and tell them all the tawdry details. It's only a small thing but it's big to me. Next tomorrow is to gather his bits up and then I will arrange a meeting with him away from the house bring out what I know and hand the bits back

Well done for that.

Just asking, is there any way that subconsciously you have done those deletions knowing that he'll notice and ask about it/plead for forgiveness? Not saying you have, just asking so you're clear about your motives and that you make sure you're not sabotaging yourself. You've built up bad habits around this man for a long time so clarity and strength is needed - and you can definitely do this.

You need to do this and not look back? Good luck for tomorrow. As hard as it is, you really need to follow through with this and stay strong - don't let him wheedle his way back in.

Great idea to set some things up to do away from him so you're thinking ahead to your future, that sounds really smart. I really do think some counselling or looking at the Freedom Programme is a good idea. Harness your strength and make sure you are moving forward and doing some things to boost your self-esteem.

@Satinmycar

I have arranged to see a friend tomorrow for a coffee and next Friday evening for a few hours. Asked my brother about an activity in April together so I am trying to pencil in a few upcoming things for me to focus on.

I don't know why I deleted all the mutual people. I guess it's the first way of cutting ties. Also deleted all the messages from him his brother and mutual friends and deleted all their numbers . Probably so I am not tempted to contact them or lose the plot and tell them all the tawdry details. It's only a small thing but it's big to me. Next tomorrow is to gather his bits up and then I will arrange a meeting with him away from the house bring out what I know and hand the bits back

@servalan no he's not on this social media platform so won't be aware . I don't want ant drama, just want to try and cushion myself and be mentally prepared now

That's good. Hold your nerve and good luck for tomorrow. Onwards and upwards!

When you have your meeting arranged I think it would be a good idea to have someone with you. Even if they just stand or sit off to the side to keep an eye on you. You can even arrange a 'secret signal' for them to join you. Not that he'd necessarily try to harm you, but it can be a good feeling just to know that if you, oh say, tuck your hair behind your left ear (or whatever) a friend will walk up to you and 'make their presence known'. Plus it's much easier to just walk away with someone by your side.

The point isn't that he's cheated, but more that he feels its appropriate to use women in the way that he does.
It's disgusting

@Servalan

And then have some time improving your relationship with YOURSELF - do some stuff that you enjoy that affirms the person you are. Look into the Freedom Programme/some counselling to get to the root of why you think you are worth so little.

This