To think he's cheated again. Wtf do I do now

[Satinmycar]

Will try and be brief
Divorced a few years ago and met current boyfriend 3 years ago. All going great , holiday together, met each others families , introduced slowly to My DC who all love him to bits. He lives stays over probably 5 nights now out of 7 . My house , rented. He owns his own and has a tenant in one room and still has his own room there .

About 18 months in I had suspicions of cheating. Strange messages, cagey round his phone . I did some digging and I was right . He denied for ages then minimised . One night he confessed . It was sex workers loads of times . We split. Stayed friends we also have mutual friends through a shared hobby families know each other. Both upset and losing the other fully from each others lives.

Just before Christmas he asked to try again this time properly . Him staying more (last time ot was only a night or two a week) He's changed his location for work which is 15 min drive from me now. We have been looking at dates for a family holiday in the summer..kids over the moon, so happy, then I find out Saturday when he went out with friends and stayed at his house he called an escort at 2am in the morning. No texts or wattsapps (prob been deleted) but his wattsapp call log shows it. Qlso same thing in mid December one night when he was there. Same person . Same night there were searches for Craigslist viva Street and adult work.

Now what do I do. If we split again we won't be able to remain in contact or friends. It will be a total no contact. Means me losing all the mutual friends and the shared interest being very difficult awkward even impossible.

Children are robust and adaptable but they will be absolutely heartbroken.. they have little contact with rheor own dad as hes useless and they love this man. My youngest made him a key ring saying step dad at Christmas after we got back together. There's no children together (can't have them) so that's not an issue. He has his house I have mine. I feel absolutely sick can't stop shaking. Hearts pounding. When he came back home to mine yesterday he couldn't stop cuddling me , staring at me saying I am amazing and so beautiful. Guilty conscience ???

I feel sick and don't know what to do

Exactly @JugglingJanuary

One day these poor kids will find out what sort of man he is. They will feel disgust, betrayal and sadness. Hopefully when they are a lot older. End it now and limit the damage.

so he wanted to 'try again' after he changed jobs to a location 15 mins from you ??? how convenient ... for him ....

and he's still seeing prostitutes ????

bleugh !!

Fuck going for a drink with him
I'd bag his stuff and leave it outside for him to collect
Could the children be looked after elsewhere for a couple of hours so they don't have to witness anything?

The idea to ditch him and his stuff in public is a good one. Dont waste any more time or energy on this one. I'm sorry you are upset but he's not worth feeling bad about.

@Tempusfudgeit

So that's the second useless father figure the children have had in their short lives? Once you extricate yourself from this sham of a relationship, please put them first and stay single until they're older. They deserve better.

It's tragic. Another good example of why boyfriends shouldn't be integrated into childrens' lives.

And why parents should focus on the kids, not on finding new partners. I just weep for the lifelong effects on these poor children.

You seem a bit defensive in your earlier posts OP. It’s rank that he shags sex workers then plays step dad to your kids, absolutely vile. He has a skewed moral compass and that would be enough for me to get him as far away from my kids & myself.

Stay with him if you think he’s ‘decent’ & honest enough to be around your kids & you while the sex worker ‘OW’ calls him or he comes back from shagging her. Every time he goes out or us late or unavailable you’ll know where he’ll be.. shagging her. I couldn’t live like that and your stress & sadness WILL impact your kids lives.

@Tempusfudgeit and @KosherDill
Could I borrow your crystal ball sometime?

I’m really confused about your hesitation/concerns about mutual friends and how to break up with him. He sounds absolutely vile and has shown you that twice.

He needs to be gone. You really don’t owe him anything.

Bag up his stuff, stick it’s outside, tell him it’s there and he needs to collect it before the bin men. Then block him on everything and book and STI appointment.

@Satinmycar

Yes he took that honour and has shit all over it. I am absolutely shattered. Its on him. There's nothing I could have done to stop it , prevent it and its not my job to police a grown man with zex workers after he's been drinking. ..

He asked me about giving it another go before he asked to transfer. This place is nearer me but no difference in distance from the old base when he drove from his house. He has literally moved and changed all his shifts so he's around more to see me and the kids. That I will defend him on .

I feel physically sick. It doesn't matter but I am tortured with what she looks like. She's been calling him and messaging asking if he wants to see her. It would appear she calls and he often ignores or only answers much later. She actually called him Friday when he was with me but he didn't pick it up (I had gone up to bed he was eating in front of the TV) its that blatant fucking disrespect .

How do I now confront . I have a couple of ideas . Should i just bag his stuff up put it in my car suggest going for a drink and when out in public so I don't completely lose the plot to him I know and hand the stuff back . Away from the house away from the kids?? Once this is out there's going to be absolutely no coming back from it .

Christ I feel sick can't stop shaking

Forgive my ignorance, but is it 'usual' for a sex worker to be constantly contacting a 'client'? I thought it was a 'business transaction' and the man merely a customer. She sounds more like someone who is emotionally invested in him. Are you sure he isn't having a 'real' affair? But I guess it really doesn't matter, the trust is absolutely gone and there is no going back.

As far as your social circle, why should you lose all of them? Don't ask them to take sides and hopefully he won't either. You may want to avoid events where he'll be present for awhile, but eventually you'll find your 'balance' and if he's in the same 'space' as you are you'll be able to deal with it.

@Journeynotdestination

You seem a bit defensive in your earlier posts OP. It’s rank that he shags sex workers then plays step dad to your kids, absolutely vile. He has a skewed moral compass and that would be enough for me to get him as far away from my kids & myself.

Stay with him if you think he’s ‘decent’ & honest enough to be around your kids & you while the sex worker ‘OW’ calls him or he comes back from shagging her. Every time he goes out or us late or unavailable you’ll know where he’ll be.. shagging her. I couldn’t live like that and your stress & sadness WILL impact your kids lives.

@Journeynotdestination - Yeah but that's partly because she thinks some here will judge her for being a sex worker herself in the past. I personally wouldn't judge - not to someone's face but I would in private.

Is it the question that he judges her being a sex worker before but not now, it kind of gives him a green light to use sex workers now?

And wtf is her kid calling him stepdad for now? Now that, is seriously F*cked up in my opinion.

You do know what to do, you just don't want to do it. You want to be wrong about what you've seen, you don't want him to be that person, you want him to be the person he is the rest of the time. I'm sorry, but he's not. You gave him a second chance, and he's blown it. Totally blown it.

It's a shame for your kids, but it'll be worse for them if you stay with him. Just tell the kids he's done something that's unforgivable & you'll explain more when they're older, but for now they just have to trust that you're you're doing the best & only thing you can do for your family. You & the kids are a family- you don't need a man to be a family.

Pack his things up, leave them by the door, when he comes in tell him not to say a word, just to give you his key, take his shit & go. Tell him you know & there's nothing to discuss.

Be brave, be strong.

You CAN do it!!

I can only think he's into something particular with them he won't tell me about. I have asked but he won't really discuss that side of it. He just says there's nothing wrong wrong with me , he's happy with our sex life . He can't be really .

Look it is simple. He is into sex with strange women he pays who are not his partner. You can NEVER EVER give him that, so he is NEVER EVER going to stop.

Always judge a man by what he does, not what he says.

Fool me once and all that (I did the same many times).

Its over. You know that. No more chances.

The best thing you can do for yourself and DC is get rid of him. Dump him, block him, don’t ever contact him again and leave whatever social group you’re in that means you have to have any contact with this disgusting, lying, cheating, sleazy creep.

There is no other course of action that will end well.

In time you can explain to your kids. For now, you just need to take the action to protect yourself and your family from this arsehole.

You can definitely do this OP. Your plan is a good one. Invite him somewhere away from the house and give him his bag of stuff. Tell him calmly but firmly- I deserve more than this. I gave you another chance before, and you have thrown that chance back in my face. Good luck but please, do not come to my house and upset me or my children. Then, leave. Change the locks in advance of this if he has a key. And explain to your children that sadly, he has behaved badly and upset you and that you deserve better than this. They may be upset but you are also teaching them a valuable lesson about consequences and self-worth.

What is so wrong with your boundaries for yourself and your children that you would ever let him near them again once you found out? That you let him back? Protect them, he isn't safe, protect yourself, cut him off straight away and permanently.

Good God woman
He has done it before, and you let him back
Let him back again and he will do it again because YOU LET HIM BACK BEFORE!!
Have some self love and bin the creep. He's slept with sex workers, not any but one particular one. What does that say and why does he do it!
You may as well get him a sex worker voucher for Valentine's Day 🤷‍♀️

God this is actually crazy, he has had sex with multiple prostitutes multiple times that you know of, which is likely the tip of the iceberg and you are wondering what to do 🤯 oh for the second time! Kick h8m to the curb AND TELL THE MUTUAL FRIENDS WHY! Tell them he cheats on you by using sex workers!

OP every day you spend with him is another day wasted that you could be spending healing from the hurt he has caused you, and getting yourself ready to meet someone decent. His good points are nothing special, they're the bare minimum to expect in a man, and you will find someone else with those good points. His bad points on the other hand are pretty much as bad as it gets, and the worst is, because he's deceitful, you don't even know the extent of it. Honestly, you could do no worse than him, don't give him another minute of your and your children's precious time.

Gross. I would never let a man like this round my kids. Poor kids. You know what you need to do surely?

I honestly can't believe you are saying you dont know what to do. Have you no concern for what sexually transmitted diseases he could have exposed you to?

Ah hang on, you used to do sex work. Well perhaps you are minimising his actions with your previous actions. Like if you had previously smoked but given up, and he goes out for a cheeky fag here and there? You don't like it but understand his need?

@anotherbloodyyearofcovid

so he wanted to 'try again' after he changed jobs to a location 15 mins from you ??? how convenient ... for him ....

and he's still seeing prostitutes ????

bleugh !!

Totally agree. What a coincidence!

@Satinmycar

I have done sex work myself very briefly in my early twenties a zillion years ago. Was a student and needed the cash . Some men have those views , there are lots of reasons men use sex workers. I take ur point of view I just don't have the Mental energy to debate the rights and wrongs of sex work and have a bun fight about why men use them at the moment

Your brain is trying to justify what he did....therefore you will forgive him and stay with him ....and he will do it again. The answer to your question is obvious to everyone on here, and to you. A million people can post 'leave him' ....what you do with that is up to you. This time next year I suspect you will still be with him.