To think he's cheated again. Wtf do I do now

[Satinmycar]

Will try and be brief
Divorced a few years ago and met current boyfriend 3 years ago. All going great , holiday together, met each others families , introduced slowly to My DC who all love him to bits. He lives stays over probably 5 nights now out of 7 . My house , rented. He owns his own and has a tenant in one room and still has his own room there .

About 18 months in I had suspicions of cheating. Strange messages, cagey round his phone . I did some digging and I was right . He denied for ages then minimised . One night he confessed . It was sex workers loads of times . We split. Stayed friends we also have mutual friends through a shared hobby families know each other. Both upset and losing the other fully from each others lives.

Just before Christmas he asked to try again this time properly . Him staying more (last time ot was only a night or two a week) He's changed his location for work which is 15 min drive from me now. We have been looking at dates for a family holiday in the summer..kids over the moon, so happy, then I find out Saturday when he went out with friends and stayed at his house he called an escort at 2am in the morning. No texts or wattsapps (prob been deleted) but his wattsapp call log shows it. Qlso same thing in mid December one night when he was there. Same person . Same night there were searches for Craigslist viva Street and adult work.

Now what do I do. If we split again we won't be able to remain in contact or friends. It will be a total no contact. Means me losing all the mutual friends and the shared interest being very difficult awkward even impossible.

Children are robust and adaptable but they will be absolutely heartbroken.. they have little contact with rheor own dad as hes useless and they love this man. My youngest made him a key ring saying step dad at Christmas after we got back together. There's no children together (can't have them) so that's not an issue. He has his house I have mine. I feel absolutely sick can't stop shaking. Hearts pounding. When he came back home to mine yesterday he couldn't stop cuddling me , staring at me saying I am amazing and so beautiful. Guilty conscience ???

I feel sick and don't know what to do

This is your previous thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3898601-Think-it-s-over-Messages-escorts-open-condom-Please-help

Grim. If you’re wondering what to do in this situation then you’re not really going to listen to anyone telling you to leave him.

Ugh, please stop setting the bar so low. You knew this man sees women as a commodity he can purchase , this alone would have me running. He's a pig, a misogynistic, desperate low life who has no business being around your children.

Get rid now, cut all ties, tell everyone what a bottom feeder he is if necessary and for goodness sake see this is a blessing that you won't now be raising your children to look up to this waste of space. They'll thank you when you're older ( especially if you have a daughter)

If you stay with him they'll lose all respect for you. Sounds like you've lost some of that respect too. You a worth so much more than this.

You went back after that ? Jesus Christ. If you don’t dump him this time there is absolutely no hope for you, and you are wasting our time and yours.

Sorry for what you are going through OP.

Why are you wondering what to do OP? It's a no-brainer surely?!

He doesn't have a key so no issues there

With regards to men in their lives qnd having to be in a relationship. Couldn't be further from the truth. I have had 2 long term relationships. The other was with their father who I was with almost 20 years . Grossly unfair judgements

Well you accept your partner lies and pays to sleep with other women or you leave. I understand you being upset but I don't understand why you're considering staying...

Dump

Stop him being anywhere near your kids

Get a full sti screening

Get some therapy to understand why you accepted such treatment and why you weren't totally turned off by someone who buys women!

I couldn't bear to even be an acquaintance of a man like this let alone sleep with him and have him as a father figure to dc!

Frankly I'd be telling the mutual friends exactly why too! The shame is his not yours!

Vile man

Does he know you were a sex worker?

I think you probably need to do some work on your views around that anyway as you seem to think that it's ever an acceptable thing for men to do.

I'm sorry you had that experience.

Sounds like he thought you would tolerate him cheating and behaving in this way because you'd been a sex worker yourself. In future I wouldn't advise telling a new partner until you know them VERY well.

You clearly need good quality intensive therapy

This time next year I suspect you will still be with him.

This.

With bells on.

Stop seeking a Plan B to fix a fuckwit because you lack the self worth to end it.

Find your self worth.

We can only judge what you tell us on this thread and the other one.

Clearly you are considering staying with this lowlife. Don’t turn on us to enable the “us two against the world” narrative. That would be playing right into this John’s hands.

Look, OP, there is something really off about your boundaries here. This guy is a fucking creep! He pays women for sex, he lies, he presents a false image to the world of being a good guy in a stable relationship, playing stepdad, all the while acting in the most depraved and disgusting way on the down low. And you KNOW it. You’ve known this os who he is for a long time.

You know what to do.

I don’t think you should worry about mutual friends. You can either tell them the truth or (if you prefer) just say you weren’t on the same page and you both decided to end it amicably.

You know you need to split from him, for your sake and that of your dc. How you do it is irrelevant. Bin bag of his possessions on the drive, to his friends or relatives. Whatever, just do the right thing by you and your kids.

Just read the previous thread. Be a better parent OP.

I’m not sure why you are even considering any other option other than breaking all ties. People like this do not change, he cheated after only being with you for 18 months and is now doing it again, he will continue to do so, he’s putting you at risk from STI’s. Ditch him and find a real man, one that treats you like your his one and only.

Op, I'm so sorry.

If the thread that @Gribbit987 shared was indeed you, it sounds as though your self esteem is on the floor and I wonder whether you've done any counselling - not as a couple, but for YOU

I only read your opening post on the other thread, but it sounds as though you feel really insecure about not being able to have more children - and that your not so 'D'P had managed to throw that in when he was making excuses for himself last time (and he sounds really manipulative btw)

There are people out there that will see your worth and see you as enough - but I wonder whether you currently see yourself as enough? Because you ARE enough and you are worthy of love and respect

Also, I can imagine that being in an abusive relationship for nearly 20 years will have had an impact on you too.

I hope this doesn't come across as judgemental or patronising - believe me I have made some shocking decisions in the past about what boundaries I wanted to have and what was acceptable in relationships and I know how easy it is for low self esteem to make your standards slip.

It sounds like you could do with investing some time into yourself, building your self esteem, maybe working with a counsellor or looking at the Freedom Programme to ask yourself (kindly) why you have set the bar so low up until now.

Obviously no one on this thread is going to say give the guy another chance - and I can see that you know also that you have to let this one go - but you deserve so much better

What should you do? Tell him he's a scumbag and that you never want to hear from him again. And get a STI check.

Op, this man will never be the man you want him to be. You need to let him go.

OP do you have any joint accounts with him, or is there any possibility that he has any hidden debt that could be connected with you somehow? Just asking because although it varies, escorts tend to charge a lot - it can often be hundreds of pounds - so I'd want to know how much money he was spending.

You let him in yesterday, he couldn't stop cuddling you....The only people i feel sorry for here are the kids.

The 2020 thread linked does sound like you OP and that one is just as grim as this one.

Until you are truly ready to let go of this relationship you will continue to be in turmoil.

You know what you need to do and only you can do it. If you decide to get rid ensure you stay strong and he stays gotten rid of.

Ewww, just get rid of him, he sounds awful.

You need to stop making excuses for this man! Him using escorts is in no way a reflection of you. You are not lacking, his behaviour is his behaviour. Also, you need to think of your children, if this man's behaviour is affecting your mental health then it is negatively affecting them too. They deserve better

Hi I’m a new user of mumsnet

Been married 3 years now, have a baby who is 11 months old.
I haven’t been getting along with DP for a while now, it’s usually minimum once a month we have an argument over something, don’t talk for a few days then apologise and talk it out.
However today, something happened. We had an argument over something silly (I told a very small white lie) nothing major or destructive. He said I made him sick for lying even though it was so minor. Anyway - I called him 2 faced because he had previously told me that same lie and he got extremely angry at this. He marched up to me while my baby boy was playing next to me and slapped me on my face.
I’m quite shocked still, do I just leave today? Or do I wait for an apology/response from him. He’s been out all day and I texted him to say we either sit and talk today or I leave.
What would you do?