If a family member moves away - are you obliged to travel to them?

[BendyWendyCheesyFeet]

Parent decided to relocate to another part of the country, a four hour round trip away instead of being in the same town. They can't drive, and they have since realised it's 3 or 4 trains away and a lot of travelling to get to us.

They have complained that we don't see them often enough anymore, but we have three kids in school with clubs at the weekends and it's an absolute nightmare to fit in. Meanwhile they are retired and have no commitments.

I also feel angry that they moved to a really inaccessible location in the first place and just expect us to upheave our family to see them, when they used to have us on their doorstep.

AIBU to say that if you decide to move away from your family, the onness should be on you to go see them the majority of the time.

I am 100% on your side @BendyWendyCheesyFeet and I speak as the one who moved away. My extended family (cousins/aunts/uncles) and 2 adult children all live in the town I grew up in (22 to 25 miles away... around 1.5 hours round trip) My parents passed away some years ago...

Me and DH (both nearly 60,) are in the next county, (on the very cusp of the border.) The next road to ours is in the county we used to live in.

Anyway, so I can count on the fingers on one hand the amount of times my cousins and aunts and uncles have visited me in 10 years of living here.

Both DC left uni in the mid 2010s, and moved in with their partners, into a place in the town we all grew up in, and both DC have never lived out here where we live now.

We visit our extended family about every 8 weeks, but as I say, most of them have only been here about 4 times in 10 years. We visit our 2 DC about every 3 weeks, but they come here about every 7-8 weeks, sometimes separately, sometimes together. They are very busy professionals, and have busy social lives, so like many others, don't have masses of free time.

Their partners families live in the same town, and within a mile of them, and I'm not gonna lie, their families get a lot more of them than we do. Their parents pop in once or twice a week, their siblings drop by for a coffee after college or work once or twice a week, and they go see them, and the nans and grandads once or twice a week too.

They look after each others pets if they go away, and are close by if (eg) one of them is ill/has covid and needs to isolate, so they have someone to drop off shopping and so on.

Whilst we love it out here (we moved into the wilds/woodland etc,) we do have to accept that people generally won't visit us very much, and it's almost always us who have to make the effort.

We were quite isolated during covid too, and didn't see any of them for 4-5 months. Luckily neither of us were ill, but if we had been, we would not have been able to depend on family as they were in another county.

Even when we weren't in full lockdown, we were in different tiers, and couldn't see each other much There were a couple of people in our little village who popped a piece of paper through every one of the 53 homes, offering their services, should anyone need it (for shopping/food etc.) But we had no family support because of the lockdown.

So yes, you do (sadly) have to accept that people probably won't visit you if you move away. Even if it's only a 50 mile round-trip like us.

I do wonder actually how people cope long term, if they move say 300+ miles away, and especially to another country. I wouldn't move abroad tbh. As someone said on a similar thread a few weeks back, you are basically losing the relationship and closeness with your family when you leave the country, because there's no way you can maintain the relationship when you move to another country, and you cannot support your loved ones (or have them support you,) if you become ill or immobile.

In addition, if you move abroad as a young child-free adult, you will need the support of your parents... And it won't be there... I know quite a few people who moved away, overseas - then had kids after a few years, and then desperately needed parental support. Sadly, parents cannot support their children when they're in another country. It's hard enough if they stay in the UK, and are 300+ miles away!

Similarly, adult children cannot support their parents if they move away either.

I should say seeing my DS twice last year and year before was mostly covid lockdown related. But in reality I would only expect to see him maybe 4-5 times per year normally. I had to move away from home to work as an adult and only saw my own parents about 4 or 5 times per year . For some families it is the norm
At least nowadays we can do lots of video calls and we text each other a lot …send photos etc. To me it is the norm .

They are being a bit silly.

My sister is like this.
Shr emigrated to Sydney Australia and is peeved she gets very few visits from family.

In addition, if you move abroad as a young child-free adult, you will need the support of your parents... And it won't be there...

This is bullshit - not every adults requires support from their parent. I certainly haven't, and I can't foresee ever needing it tbh. They are now of an age where any support goes in the opposite direction.

Moving away is normal and young adults shouldn't be guilt tripped for doing so. World history is full of examples of young people emigrating to better opportunities overseas - where would we be if everyone decided that the only way to have a good life was to stay within 15mins travel of their parents?

Whereas I would most disgruntled if my family landed themselves on me. Why else did I move away, fgs?!

That's not to say emigrants should expect regular visits btw! But people should not be looked down upon because their aspirations for their lives go further than just staying in the same town forever.

@CSJobseeker

That's not to say emigrants should expect regular visits btw! But people should not be looked down upon because their aspirations for their lives go further than just staying in the same town forever.

Hear hear. My hometown was completely without prospects, and the best day's work I ever did was buying a plane ticket outta there.

I suppose that it depends upon their age and why they moved, but it does seem like an ill thought out decision. My parents moved closer (a few miles away) instead of four hours away, albeit to an isolated location. Life can change in an instant. Last week my Dad, who is only 70, was diagnosed with advanced terminal cancer and my mother doesn't drive, so despite us living a few miles road we now have to rethink plans as I have small children/school runs and my mother will need to be able to walk to the shops/make friends etc. If they have moved to be closer to other relatives, then fine. If they have moved for other reasons, it is short sighted and seems poorly thought out.

@IncompleteSenten

It wasn’t a comment particularly aimed at OP but there are lots of other people on the thread who don’t seem to be too bothered. It always difficult to judge what happens in a family from the outside

I’d quite happily take 4 trains to see my kids and sleep on the sofa if they’ll have me!

I get this nonsense from the DPs; they ask when I'll "go home", yet I've never lived there. It's not my fault they decided to move. We go to see them a few times per year when it's convenient, but if they want to see us otherwise then they can make the effort. Turns out they don't want to make the effort of course, just moan about it.

It can be hard from both sides but I actually really identify with the placeholder grandchildren comment! We are the ones who live at a distance from my family (and always have done). One of my DSibs lives about an hour away, the other is now about 15 minutes down the road. We’re almost 3 hours away.

My DPs were really involved with DC1 until one of them received a bad diagnosis a few years ago. Then a combination of events, including us having DC2, my nearest DSibling having a baby, and Covid means that they haven’t been anywhere near as involved. They used to come down every few weeks but now almost always refuse to stay (we still have a spare bedroom and would give up our room for them if not).

They are very twitchy about seeing us due to Covid, as DC1 is in school by and DC2 is in childcare. Effectively, unless we suggest stuff, we only see them in school holidays when I take the DCs to them.

They look after DSibling’s child every week even though they are also in childcare.

DSiblings won’t come to us because it’s easier to see us at my DPs.

I understand the principle that I live in a different place from them, but I do feel that if we didn’t take the DCs to them every school holiday (which uses a fair chunk of my annual leave as we are expected to go for a minimum of four nights, and also dominates arrangements for every holiday), we simply wouldn’t have a relationship with them any more. It feels as though Covid and DNibling have accelerated something and it saddens me. I expect to do more of the travelling but not all of it, but now I’m expected to do all of it because it’s more convenient for everyone else.

If my parents moved to be near my sibling whom they clearly prefer, and they clearly favour the sibling’s DC, I would never bother going to see them.
That sounds harsh - but I would have no time for DP or inlaws who treated my DC as second class grandchildren.
I would simply say that they are welcome to come to me and when they reply that they can’t I would ask them why they moved then.
It’s not nice to think of your parents as doing this but I couldn’t cope with the resentment that I would feel the whole time I was there, so I’d spare myself and my DC that.

Only read your posts op but yanbu.

Go and see them by all means but on your terms only. If they moan just keep reissuing an open invitation, ifthey still keep moaning say you come when you can but they moved away and it isn't easy to visit often especially if they put you off due to commitments with other sibling.

I wouldn't worry about the DC missing out as you're probably protecting them from seeing the effects of dgp favouring other other dgc. My parents worried about the obvious disparity between me and my siblings with some cousins but I can honestly say we didn't care just didn't have a close relationship but never felt we were missing out iyswim...

If the other sibling struggles with ferrying them about stuff, that's for them to sort out.

I dont think either is obliged to visit, but if they moved away for the hell of it away from family then they must have realised that theyd see the grandkids a lot less

My dad and his wife moved to rural France when I was pregnant and after they had chatted excitedly about spending time with their grandchild. "Don't worry we'll be back every couple of months"... nope. We went once a year, they came over twice in 5 years. The further they move, the harder it is for both sides to keep visiting unless someone makes the effort. Sounds like they are not prepared to do that, so it is up to you how strong your relationship will be.

He's been dead 10 years and it still rankles.

you’d be surprised how many do retire, then move rurally without considering the consequences should they be unable to drive with a piss poor public transport service. Where my DPs live there is quite a community of retirees, at least a third who don’t drive, one bus in and out a day. They went for the quiet countryside life but really didn’t consider how they manage life there. I’m having these conversations with my DPs now, my stepdad can’t drive any more so it’s all falling on DM, who complains bitterly about this and assisting her neighbours who also can’t drive. I’m just 🤷‍♀️ with her now.

Yes. My parents moved to a rural idyll. Great when you're in your 60s. Bordering on dangerous and selfish when you're nearly 80. Only my mum can drive anyway and she has frequent falls, some of which require hospitalisation. It puts me and my sibling in an impossible situation. You can't just say 'well you buggered off somewhere that takes a minimum of 12 hours to get to, requires international travel and car hire, so suck it up'. Then again, it's not always possible to drop your work and your life and hoof it out there, because yet again my dad is stuck at home unable even to buy a loaf of bread, whilst my mum is injured and alone in hospital.

Great, thanks for that one. Honestly, I'd love it if they were a two-hour drive away, it would feel like my doorstep in comparison. There does need to be give and take on both sides but I'm damn sure that as I get older, I'm going to be somewhere I don't depend on the ability to drive, or where other people are so inconvenienced when the inevitable happens.

I suspect they take you for granted, don't they? Golden Child 'can't' visit often (whether or not they actually have a reason or not) so DPs move closer, whilst it is presumed that whatever reasons you may have not to visit are ignored and it's assumed you'll go anyway.

Fuck 'em. If you're not given the respect you deserve why should you dance to their tune? Give them a date you can go at Easter, and if they can't make it due to their chosen grandchildren then say it'll have to be the summer then.

I know I am playing Devil's Advocate here but perhaps there are other reasons why people move away. I am one who moved away.

I was apparently very involved with DGC and also helped in other ways including financially. It was a rare time that I was visited just to be with me. It was always just dropping off of DGC. The time spent on dropping off became less until it was just literally DGC being dropped of with barely a word passing between the adults.
I was not really very fond of the area I lived in but I stayed there in order to see DC and DGC.

One day I had an Eureka moment and saw that I was not having any adult company (much as I love DGC). I did not feel that I had any quality of life, I was living in a place I disliked, I did not have time to do things I wanted to do I was just there to do as bid by DC without any emotional input from them towards me. The amount of interaction time with DC became almost non existent and I felt that I was making myself unhappy to stay in a place to be close to DC who did not really hold any conversations with me. I was just the unpaid (not that I wanted paid) gofor.
I now at least live in a nice place which is some way towards a better quality of life for me

When you do visit them - what's it like? Do you enjoy it when you get there or is it a chore to be ticked off? Do you wish you could see more of them or are you glad that you see less of them now?

Unless you really enjoy it and they're fantastic grandparents (if they did the GC/SG/triangulation thing with you then I would be very wary of being around enough for them to move it to the next generation) I certainly wouldn't do anything other than reciprocal visits until the genuinely are unable to come.

It's just as hard for you to come up with DC and fitting around full-time jobs as it is for them to take several trains - I wouldn't be manipulated into to being the person who visits all the time (unless you do REALLY enjoy it when you get there), whilst all they do is moan it isn't enough.

I think things like this are so dumb and infuriating. They are the ones complaining they don't see you enough so they are the ones who need to travel if they want to see you.

You can't complain you don't see someone and then do nothing about it.

YANBU as the same thing happened to us. They made the choice to move to the back end of nowhere.

They are both retired and have cars. We both work full time and DCs have a lot of sports stuff so when we have a free weekend, we'd all like to zonk out at home and not be chasing around the countryside because they can't be bothered.

@User57327259 I get that there may be good reasons to move. Often being more rural means property is cheaper and to start with this can seem like a good idea. However, it's cheaper precisely because you're further away from any facilities. Great earlier in retirement when you're still relatively fit.

I do think if you move somewhere some distance from relatives, whatever the reason, it's a bit daft to then whinge they don't visit often enough. Well, you moved. I can't pop round for coffee, can I?

Depends on circumstance! My partner moved 4 hours from home as a single man with a car and no other real commitments here apart from work and a rented flat. He did all the visiting as his Mum was single and had no one to share the driving with and he could stay at her house, whereas if she came here, she would have to stay in a hotel.

Fast forward 8 years- he’s completely settled in the job, has no plans to move on from this area, has married me (who’s home town this is and have made it clear this is where I want to stay long term), we own a house here and are currently looking at buying a bigger one. We have a cat that we can’t just leave to go away for the weekend.

The balance is now much more equal. We got married down here so that meant most of his family visited the area for the first time and saw that it’s a beautiful touristy area with lots to do. His Mum has now caught the train a few times and is confident coming down. His brother now has young children and there is lots for them to do in this area so they treat it like a weekend away maybe once per year. We go up together to his home town once or twice per year or stop in for a meal/overnight on the way to a holiday. We also last year went for a weekend away all together in a neutral location.

Lots of options but I would say the balance shifts over time.

[quote BendyWendyCheesyFeet]@starfishmummy we haven't moved, we live in our home town near family, so I don't get the point of the question. We wouldn't have moved away from them for the reasons and barriers you stated.[/quote]
@BendyWendyCheesyFeet

It was hypothetical. If you had moved would you do all the travelling? Because I doubt you would, so why would you expect others to do ot.