If a family member moves away - are you obliged to travel to them?

[BendyWendyCheesyFeet]

Parent decided to relocate to another part of the country, a four hour round trip away instead of being in the same town. They can't drive, and they have since realised it's 3 or 4 trains away and a lot of travelling to get to us.

They have complained that we don't see them often enough anymore, but we have three kids in school with clubs at the weekends and it's an absolute nightmare to fit in. Meanwhile they are retired and have no commitments.

I also feel angry that they moved to a really inaccessible location in the first place and just expect us to upheave our family to see them, when they used to have us on their doorstep.

AIBU to say that if you decide to move away from your family, the onness should be on you to go see them the majority of the time.

@BertramLacey I have moved to a less busy area not rural. Before looking at what areas to move to I considered what amenities were available. I made sure there were hospitals public transport links and facilities that I like to use.
When I was ill and living close to DC there was no advantage in having DC living close by. After I moved I had a non covid health problem. The medical services here were good and I felt I could have asked local friends and neighbours for help which is more than I could have done in the more densely populated area.
I think the balance of the relationship is more important than the distance between each relatives' homes, if each party is interested in their relatives they will make the journey

@CSJobseeker

In addition, if you move abroad as a young child-free adult, you will need the support of your parents... And it won't be there...

This is bullshit - not every adults requires support from their parent. I certainly haven't, and I can't foresee ever needing it tbh. They are now of an age where any support goes in the opposite direction.

Moving away is normal and young adults shouldn't be guilt tripped for doing so. World history is full of examples of young people emigrating to better opportunities overseas - where would we be if everyone decided that the only way to have a good life was to stay within 15mins travel of their parents?

@CSJobseeker

This is bullshit - not every adults requires support from their parent. I certainly haven't, and I can't foresee ever needing it tbh. They are now of an age where any support goes in the opposite direction.

If you could have been arsed to have read what I said properly, I said when they have kids, they need the parental support. Guess you were in too much of a rush to slag me off to actually read my post properly.

I said.

'I know quite a few people who moved away, overseas - then had kids after a few years, and then desperately needed parental support.'

And it's not BULLSHIT that people need parental support when they have kids. MANY people do. (In fact, some people need parental support even when they don't have kids!)

Now do yourself a favour, and DO read posts properly in future before barging in with arsey comments, because it makes you look ignorant and silly.

@GoodnightGrandma

Yep, they moved not you. Imagine how this is going to be when they are old/ill and need help from you.

Exactly! Don't move to another country and then whinge that no-one comes to you. YOU moved away. You can't expect people to go out of their way to travel 100s or 1000s of miles, and spend 100s and 100s of pounds getting to you, and also use holiday leave on top!

Just accept that you have pretty much fucked up the relationship you had. No WAY can a relationship be the same when you're in different countries, whether you're friends, partners, or family.

@Forrandomposts

Where are on earth are they that 2hours driving is 3 or 4 trains?! How bizarre they would move somewhere so unconnected from you without considering that it might make it tricky to get back!

I wondered this too. 3 or 4 trains would suggest OP lives in Inverness and her parents moved to the arse end of Cornwall. '2 hours drive' would normally be 2 to 3 hours by train, and not more than one change.

Also, I agree with previous posters that it's very odd and unusual for both people in a couple to not be able to drive, and especially unusual for a man. Very few men I know can't drive. And the few that can't have a partner/wife who can. OR they live in the same town they grew up in and work in and where all their family and friends are, and where there's good, regular public transport.

Seems weird - when none of you can drive - to move 100s of miles away from everything and everyone you know, and where the public transport is clearly shit (as it takes 3 or 4 trains to get back to where they left their family!)

No not obliged especially if one sided.

When I lived miles away my family did visit often especially my DM she'd travel by bus, they'd stay overnight.

I moved away and have never expected family or friends to visit, although it's lovely when they (infrequently) do.

OP
Just in case it's any use to you

Is it possible that they are just moaning because they think it will mollify you in some way - like "oh I'm sorry I can't see you more often".

Please don't feel guilty about not going out of your way to see them. I hope you are okay

It's 3 trains to see some family , or 2 for others we do the travelling as often as we can afford. The ones farthest away come to us inbetween our visits. It's not fair though to penalise your children because you can't be arsed to visit.

I would usually think to be more understanding towards the one that moved, as they may have needed to move, for work, housing etc.
But this sounds like a ridiculous decision and the person who moved is being quite absurd complaining about it now!

@Forrandomposts
@HelloFrostyMorning

Wellingborough to Bristol is 3 and 1/2 hours, 4 trains (costs £160). It takes 2 hours to drive. Multiple changes and long journey time is normal when attempting to cross country by train.

I found this out when DD was looking at universities.

My dad moved to Australia when I was 18. I lived with him at the time and was still at school, but it was very clear that I wasn’t included in the plans. He complains that he doesn’t know what we are up to or speak to DS all that often.

I ring weekly, but the time difference limits when this is possible and it does impact on our weekends.

I find it hard as dad not wants to be involved, but I sometimes want to point out that I wasn’t important enough to keep him in the U.K., so he may need to appreciate that my priorities are my own family!

@BendyWendyCheesyFeet i wouldnt be facilitating any sort of relationship re children. They upped and moved, which is their right to do but you reap what you sow. They need to make good on travelling to you and you'll do next time!

I wondered this too. 3 or 4 trains would suggest OP lives in Inverness and her parents moved to the arse end of Cornwall. '2 hours drive' would normally be 2 to 3 hours by train, and not more than one change.

Not necessarily. There are places on the south coast of England that are fairly close to each other by road but a nightmare by train. Everything there tends to lead into London. Fine if say you want to go from Weymouth to Basingstoke but Portsmouth to Exeter is more of a pain because they're on completely different lines, both going into London. And that's just the bigger places, not the villages where it would be better to get to a mainline station and change from there on to a fast train.

@BertramLacey yes, there is the same issue when going east/west in the Midlands.

I don't understand why people move without thinking it through. But I get the same feeling when I watch Escape To The Country. Llama farming/holiday lets/craft businesses may seem like fun at 60 but all too much at 75. That's only 15 years.

My parents moved 400 miles away when I was in my early 20s. It's always been a massive undertaking to visit especially when our four kids were young.
Now they need care but we can't help so they are in a care home so we also have to book an air b nb to visit.
I do feel resentful and would not do this to my kids: happy for them to move away but as their parent it won't be me moving far.

A friend of mine and her DH emigrated from the UK to another European country about 15 or so years ago. They now have two DC and up till Covid hit, made regular visits to the UK and family visited them often, sometimes providing childcare (one down side of moving far away is not enough holiday to be off when people visit). They have also both provided help to elderly parents back in the UK - financial and also emotional and practical (ringing up to make medical appointments etc). There is some resentment from one of the siblings back in the UK however as one of the parents has needed more care. However, it's not all gloom and doom and relationships have survived well. Covid has really thrown a spanner in the works though.

I think usually a "massive drip feed" is seen as a negative, but in this case well done for trying to keep the OP neutral.

I didn't think you were unreasonable before the extra info, and I'm even more on your side now!

I'm obviously invested as my family did this with bells on.

My sister moved her whole family abroad, our parents moved over to be near them. Complained massively when we didn't go all the time to visit, but every visit to us was either full of passive aggressive comments about having to make the trip, or talked about loudly but never eventuated.

We moved away, so we were in yet another country.

Sister moved back to UK, hotly followed by parents. Now we're the black sheep for moving away

It's not the moving, it's not the trains. It's your bloody parents.

I don't understand why people move without thinking it through. But I get the same feeling when I watch Escape To The Country. Llama farming/holiday lets/craft businesses may seem like fun at 60 but all too much at 75. That's only 15 years.

I do get that at 60, if you've had a long-term dream, you might be thinking 'it's now or never' and decide to go for it. But some people just seem to make their lives difficult for no good reason. Their decision making process is completely off kilter.

IME when relatives first move it's fine. If they are somewhere nice you can have some lovely holidays relatively cheaply. However, after ten years of holidaying in the same place and needing to take annual leave every time you go to see your parents, it wears a bit thin. I get that people need to live their own lives. But then they also need to accept the consequences of that.

Some people on this thread have given good reasons for moving and are aware of the flipsides of this. I don't think the OP's parents are in that category. They're just unreasonable.

Is it just me who’s finding this thread a bit depressing? People raise a family, work till retirement and then are expected to sit on their arses for 15 years in the same place they’ve always been in case anything ever happens to them so that their kids can visit them in a care home without too much disruption.

What about all those hopes and dreams people have had about no longer having the commitment of work and families to raise? Those people who stayed in an area that they’re not overly keen on for the stability of the family. Don’t they get to think about themselves for a while?

@ineedsun

Is it just me who’s finding this thread a bit depressing? People raise a family, work till retirement and then are expected to sit on their arses for 15 years in the same place they’ve always been in case anything ever happens to them so that their kids can visit them in a care home without too much disruption.

What about all those hopes and dreams people have had about no longer having the commitment of work and families to raise? Those people who stayed in an area that they’re not overly keen on for the stability of the family. Don’t they get to think about themselves for a while?

I agree. My parents moved abroad when they retired… it was their dream. And I visit them because I love them and want to see them.

@ineedsun - er, that's not what this is! Equally, if it was, your children don't ask you to do and make the life choices you do, and to expect them to attend like a Balmoral Christmas is a touch presumptuous. You can hope they they then make choices that include you, but the more you raise them with this expectation, the more likely they'll find an exit plan perhaps.

OP, I missed a couple of pages somehow, so now want to add, the reason your sibling isn't interested in doing anything now to help is because of the way they were raised.

Look up narcissistic parents and the whole Golden child/ scape goat thing that others are talking about. It may give you enormous insight into the dynamics of your family.

A relative moved to an impoverished island state, one of the poorest in the world, then complained that no one in the family had been to visit them. What with rampant typhoid and cholera (issues with getting it treated locally), frequent natural disasters such as earthquakes and hurricanes and political instability, topped off by the sheer cost and time taken to get there, it wasn’t top of anyone’s list to visit.

Those people who stayed in an area that they’re not overly keen on for the stability of the family. Don’t they get to think about themselves for a while?

Of course they do. But they should accept the trade-off - that they'll see a lot less of family and that they'll need to make a lot more effort if they do want to see them - with good grace. I 'went away' from 18 to 32, and then 'came back' and they have really different pluses and minuses but you have to accept them both for what they are.

YANBU, and I say this as someone who has lived a 5 hour drive from family in the UK and also in countries a 12+ hour flight away. Of course I would love people to visit, and I have paid for my mum to visit in the past, but I have to accept that I can't see them as much as I would like (friends, too) and my children are missing out on some relationships because of this.

Covid has made it much worse, obviously, but it is what it is. I planned to go back to the UK this summer, first time in 4 years, but I'm now aiming for next year as restrictions here make the possibility of a very complicated and expensive return too likely for me. I'm not in a position to risk being stuck in the UK and then paying thousands in quarantine fees etc for all of us.

We suck it up.

Just to be clear, I’m not talking about the OP, there are clearly other issues there in terms of inequity etc.

But there are lots of posts on here about how ridiculous it is for people to move away from family or to somewhere rural in their 60s because it won’t be long till they’re frail and need support. Someone even said that they expected their parent to move back to a care home near them if they became unwell because it was so ridiculous that they had moved in the first place.

As for ‘your children don’t ask you to make the life choices you do’ well of course they don’t. But we do things for our kids - I remember my mum telling me years after we’d grown up that she didn’t really have her own friend group that she would have chosen because they were all mum friends and until that point I genuinely never thought of the compromises that she had made.

I’m so desperate to move to another area but can’t because my kids are settled here, I don’t regret that for a moment but this isn’t my home and I don’t want to stay here forever just because it’s where my kids might choose to be later on.

I guess I may have a different perspective from some because as kids we lived about 4 or 5 hours from grandparents and managed to stay in contact and between us, care for them in their old age without any drama. I suppose it’s different if you’ve only ever all lived in the town you grew up in.