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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If a family member moves away - are you obliged to travel to them?

296 replies

BendyWendyCheesyFeet · 17/01/2022 08:15

Parent decided to relocate to another part of the country, a four hour round trip away instead of being in the same town. They can't drive, and they have since realised it's 3 or 4 trains away and a lot of travelling to get to us.

They have complained that we don't see them often enough anymore, but we have three kids in school with clubs at the weekends and it's an absolute nightmare to fit in. Meanwhile they are retired and have no commitments.

I also feel angry that they moved to a really inaccessible location in the first place and just expect us to upheave our family to see them, when they used to have us on their doorstep.

AIBU to say that if you decide to move away from your family, the onness should be on you to go see them the majority of the time.

OP posts:
CSJobseeker · 17/01/2022 12:36

I felt guilt for many years living so far

You know you have nothing to feel guilty for, don't you? You are your own person, with your own life and your own interests. Nobody owes it to their parents to always stay living locally.

Beautiful3 · 17/01/2022 12:37

I think I'd be inclined to visit in the summer holidays and make lots of calls.

Snowdropsinourforest · 17/01/2022 12:40

This reply has been deleted

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HappyintheHills · 17/01/2022 12:41

It's your parents who are being unreasonable.
Soon it will be your sibling.
In my case the DP moved from home town to next door to DSis in her new town.
I found 2hrs driving, 4hrs straight contact time with DP, 2hrs driving, all whilst DC wrangling, exhausting and found it impacted on DC at school.

Bluebluemoon39 · 17/01/2022 12:42

I guess it depends how bothered you are about seeing your parents.

People who don't drive and expect everyone to run around after them do irritate me.

I'd probably just go if a fancied a break in the school holidays but I certainly wouldn't be going down for weekends etc. Family stuff takes up our weekends and driving four hours there and back wouldn't be my idea of a good weekend.

BungleandGeorge · 17/01/2022 12:54

I hope my kids will be prepared to drive 2 hours to see me more than once a year🤷‍♀️ Most people I know do see their parents far more often than that

HyacynthBucket · 17/01/2022 13:00

It was their decision to go, OP and it sounds as though they did not think it through, at least from their offspring's point of view (yours or siblings?). But it also sounds as though this could be quite liberating for you, as in future the onus will be less on you to do everything for parent - as you may already be finding. They certainly cannot expect you to be visitng often, at that distance. I would go occasionally in holidays to keep DC's relationship with them, and your own, but in many ways you have gained from this. Enjoy your freedom to not be on call. You can still have lots of phone calls, WhatsApp etc. Let your sibling take up the slack now and in future.

LovePoppy · 17/01/2022 13:02

I mean, two hours each way is literally nothing. So YABU on that count.

That said, you’re a busy family so of course you can’t drop everything all the time to visit.

It sound like your anger at them moving is clouding your judgement

SenselessUbiquity · 17/01/2022 13:05

The issue of the other (nearer) sibling having first dibs on their time is the deciding factor I think - pretty much whatever you do, YANBU

Blossomtoes · 17/01/2022 13:07

@Hungry625f

Have they channelled their whingeing into learning to drive and make an effort themselves?

We all have choices in life, they made theirs.

That ship’s sailed, they’re too old.
Isonthecase · 17/01/2022 13:08

Sounds like they're experiencing the consequences of their own actions. If I were you I'd give them a couple of options each holiday and then book something else if they won't confirm. Show them you respect your own value and time and they might start too, but even if they don't you're better off.

SenselessUbiquity · 17/01/2022 13:11

Is it just me (and sorry if I have missed it) who is curious about the sex of the other family members?

I bet:

Preferred sibling: male (OP's brother)
OP's parent: mother (but I am less sure about this one, just taking a punt really)

Feedingthebirds1 · 17/01/2022 13:12

@BungleandGeorge

I hope my kids will be prepared to drive 2 hours to see me more than once a year🤷‍♀️ Most people I know do see their parents far more often than that
Have you read the OP's posts?

OP I don't think 'the one who moves travels' is necessarily always true, but given their behaviour and choices I certainly don't think you need to feel guilty about not seeing them. They've made their choices, now they have to live with the consequences. And if they're going to demand that you travel to them more often, but hedge when you can go, to suit them, with so many conditions, then I wouldn't be putting myself out for them in the slightest. And I agree with PPs, at some point your DCs are going to see the disparity in the way they're treated compared to their cousins.

And frankly, if they need care in their old(er) age, then it's not up to you to fill the gap your sibling is prepared to leave, especially when they've benefitted from so much free childcare because of the move. They'll have to make other arrangements.

I wonder from the tone of your posts though, if sibling has always been the golden child, have you fallen into the trap of trying always to do what they want, always trying to please them, in order to make the difference in their treatment of your sibling and yourself less? Do you still desperately want them to be more equal? I'm sorry to say it's clear they're not going to. So try to let go emotionally, concentrate on your DH and DCs, and don't feel guilty about it. They've made their choices, you have the right to make yours. Make peace with that, and if they try to demand and control what you do, feel free to say no, and do it with a clear conscience.

IncompleteSenten · 17/01/2022 13:31

@BungleandGeorge

I hope my kids will be prepared to drive 2 hours to see me more than once a year🤷‍♀️ Most people I know do see their parents far more often than that
I'm sure they will.

Just don't be like the ops parents as she describes in her post and I'm sure they'll happily travel as far as they need to to spend time with you.

Doubledoorsontogarden · 17/01/2022 13:33

I moved and do the lion share of the travel as a result

EllaDuggee · 17/01/2022 13:33

Having read your updates the fact that they won't confirm you can visit unless the other GC's won't be around is just unkind. I don't think it's the distance that's the problem it's your parent. You could easily see each other every month-6 weeks if you took turns to visit/met half way when you had less time. But as they have said they will not visit you and will only see you if they don't get a better offer from other GC's, I wouldn't be making much of an effort.

MargosKaftan · 17/01/2022 13:33

I think you have spent your life trying to keep them happy and are realising they don't appreciate you.

I would be clear and spell it out "I've been thinking about you saying we don't see you enough. The problem is the kids are in school now, so we cant see you in the week and they have weekend activities, and as you live a 2 hour drive away, we cant fit in seeing you before/after those. So what we can do is book in a visit at your house each of the shorter school holidays and a couple in the summer - but we will have to set these in advance. If you want to see us inbetween, you are always welcome at our house."

Then keep repeating "we cant go to you during term times. You are always welcome here."

Let go of the guilt. The problem isnt who has moved- the problem is one side has moved, and still expects the other side to spend as much time with them as before they moved without making any more effort than they made before.

MargosKaftan · 17/01/2022 13:36

@BungleandGeorge

I hope my kids will be prepared to drive 2 hours to see me more than once a year🤷‍♀️ Most people I know do see their parents far more often than that
Depends - will you refuse to let them plan ahead when they can come to see you, just in case you have a better offer?
ExConstance · 17/01/2022 13:38

Count yourselves lucky! my mother used to live a 2 hour drive away from me and she insisted I drive up and collect her and take her back when she came to stay - so 2 x 4 hour drives. Whilst this was a bit of an irritation, as she could have travelled by train (but was frightened of getting lost if she had to change at Birmingham) but refused to do so.

chaosrabbitland · 17/01/2022 13:39

they made their choice and no i wouldnt be twisting myself inside out to do more than the occasional visit with my family if its that far ,
you have pointed out the drawbacks .but they went ahead and moved anyway .

id be dealing with any moaning by pointing out to them that it was their choice to move that far away .
and as they are retired yes id assume the onus would be on them to do the traveling alothough i expect if its that much distance they would have to stay over

Gilly12345 · 17/01/2022 13:39

This happened to a friend of mine, her in laws moved away (approx 3 hours away) and had busy lives with their children, jobs, clubs etc.

The in laws moved away from 2 grown up children, spouses and 4 Grandchildren.

My friend and her husband visited his parents probably 3 times a year and had weekly phone conversations, she always said that that was all they were prepared to give as it was the in laws decision to move away from them all and apparently the move was so they wouldn’t be asked to help with childcare.

Dacquoise · 17/01/2022 13:41

My DM moved to another county to live near her DB when she ran off with husband to be number three. Her DB was also cheating on his DW so I suppose they gravitated to each other for support.

My DB, the golden child, shortly after moved practically next door to my DM. I did try to warn him but he dismissed me . Ten years later he is NC with her and moved away so the favouritism doesn't always work out. He is the least likely person to provide elder care, similar to the Ops sibling, so perhaps this whole dynamic will blow up at some point.

Triptinratbat · 17/01/2022 13:46

@BendyWendyCheesyFeet

Not knowing where they have moved so don’t know the nearest town / city.

Instead of 4 train journeys is there an option to be dropped at the nearest town of the second / third leg of the journey to make it easier ?

Your sibling could drop them or perhaps a cab assuming it’s workable. It’s not as if train fares are cheap so perhaps the option to minimise the changes can offset the expense ?

If it’s only a 2 hour journey one way, they can’t be too far off from from a town or city half way ?

Warblerinwinter · 17/01/2022 13:50

My DS lives 3 hour train from me. He moved when he started work as that’s where jobs are.
Last year I saw him tow ice when he came to stay . I know very well if I want to see him more I need to travel there because I’m retired and have time, vs him having to take a day off work or use all his weekend time up.
However, as I have got older ( and I’m not old) I am more hesitant - I don’t enjoy train travel and am nervous of going on my own, I have some mobility and other health issues which also make me anxious about public transport and long journeys. I know I would manage in reality but it makes me hesitate in just suggesting coming to visit.
Added to that he has limited accommodation- I’d end up on the couch or them on couch. There’s one bathroom. Lack of privacy . Whereas if he comes here they get their own room and we have 2 bathrooms, and everyone is more comfortable. Again I know I can put up with t for a couple of nights, but it doesn’t get me excited about going to stay with him.
So, maybe your parents are finding the same, it all seems a different kind of inconvenience to stay with you even though you aren’t wrong that you are also massively inconvenienced.
I suggest you all sit down and explore reasons why it is difficult for you to travel to each other. See if any solutions can make that a bit easier both ways. Then Agree that you’re both not relishing the idea of travelling but you’ll do x visits to each other each year as its important to see each other.
Yes, I know they made the choice to move…but sometimes you don’t know all the reasons why actually overall this is a better life for them and this is a minor issue in comparison, or they just made a bad decision.

FunnysInLaJardin · 17/01/2022 13:54

we moved 800 miles away from family and we sometimes go there and they sometimes come here. Always has to be for a few days as its an hour on a plane, but that is fine too!