If a family member moves away - are you obliged to travel to them?

[BendyWendyCheesyFeet]

Parent decided to relocate to another part of the country, a four hour round trip away instead of being in the same town. They can't drive, and they have since realised it's 3 or 4 trains away and a lot of travelling to get to us.

They have complained that we don't see them often enough anymore, but we have three kids in school with clubs at the weekends and it's an absolute nightmare to fit in. Meanwhile they are retired and have no commitments.

I also feel angry that they moved to a really inaccessible location in the first place and just expect us to upheave our family to see them, when they used to have us on their doorstep.

AIBU to say that if you decide to move away from your family, the onness should be on you to go see them the majority of the time.

Also I am the 'golden child'. My parents hadn't so far moved to be near me. As I moved away from hometown and sister stayed within 45 mins drive

Whilst my sister was alive and lived near them (they visited her each month) , my parents wouldn't have moved!!!

They are only considering moving nearer me, as most of their friends have died or moved away, they don't see as much of their own siblings anymore, and my sister died.

I find it strange that your parent moved when their 'golden child' said they were considering relocating again in the future! But that was their choice!

2 hours isn't far at all. You could leave at 9am, be there at 11am, leave at 4pm (5 hours later!), and still be home for dinner. In this sense you are being very unreasonable.

That said, you don't need to visit if you don't want to.

The 'onus' to travel shouldn't be on anyone, regardless of who's moved where. But if a person lives hours away from you, and you have full time jobs and dc then chances are, you'll see them less. Same goes for if you don't drive, if family and friends live miles away you won't be able to see them as often. Doesn't matter if you've moved or they have.

"They moved to be near their favourite child when they had kids, this left us feeling second best so maybe some bitterness there perhaps as our kids had good relationships with them but it feels like it was just a placeholder for them until the better grandkids were born."

OP I've been in exactly the same position. GPs moved from 30 mins to 6 hours' drive away to be near the favoured grandkids. We visit them two or three times a year (they have not travelled down to us since they moved). To be fair they don't complain about us not going more often. And where they live is nice, so I see it as a free holiday a couple of times a year.

I am sad that the DC have less of a relationship with the GPs but try to see it from the point of view of the sibling who until they moved, was the one who had to do the 6hr road trip. I have also pointed out that when they are infirm and need more frequent care/dropping off shopping etc it won't be practical for us to help with that.

I’m going to give a different view to the majority here. I think it’s different if they moved far away outside U.K. etc but 2 hours drive there and back isn’t that far.

For context, and I’m probably a little biased for this reason, me and DP moved away from the towns we grew up in after Uni (we stayed nearby when we both got work). I live 2 hours from my family now and DP’s live about an hour in the opposite direction. We were always visiting family every other month or so for a day or a weekend it was very one sided but then we slowed it down a bit. Now my parents will come and stay a few times a year yet DP’s have never visited despite continually promising. No disability, no issues with mobility, they both drive, in fact DP’s dad will drive further to watch the football. It makes us feel like we aren’t important and if we didn’t visit them we’d never see them.

I know we are the ones who moved but moving for work isn’t really a choice. I understand this isn’t the case here but I’m just giving another side to the discussion

"- We can't just go up whenever we are free, as we have to wait to see if preferred grandkids are available first, and parent doesn't like all to be there at the same time for some reason (I think because it's harder for them to be controlling but perhaps I'm cynical). When we go up there we try to see my sibling, but they are never free!"

Fuck me, but that's APPALLING! I would genuinely struggle to not tell them that they've made their favouritism so very plain that they can not expect a visit from me any time soon.

"- They moved to be near their favourite child when they had kids, this left us feeling second best so maybe some bitterness there perhaps as our kids had good relationships with them but it feels like it was just a placeholder for them until the better grandkids were born."

That's so sad, that their favouritism makes you feel that way.

"I feel they will become isolated at some point, and expect us to travel to look after them as my sibling has never had to do that side of it until now and isn't the most giving person in terms of their time."

Don't you dare! They've made it very clear who they value. Do not make them your priority when you are just an option to them. Their Golden Child can deal with their care - and if your sibling chooses not to, it is still not your responsibility.

@GnomeDePlume

Isn't this the reality of Escape To The Country? A lovely (?) rural idyll but the public transport is non existent, the doctor's surgery is 10 miles away and the local shop only sells short dated milk.

My aunt and uncle moved out of the city, four hours away to their rural retreat. Kept telling my parents they were mad to move closer to the city In their retirement.

My parents live in walking distance of their doctors, chemist and dentist. They have shops, bars and restaurants on their doorstep- a beautiful city park round the corner and can easily walk to visit their children:

My cousins need to take a full weekend to visit their parents - they need to take days of work to take them to medical appointments and check in. There is constant guilt about how often they see their parents - who are struggling with their remote and isolated lifestyle now they are older, only one can now drive, and only during daylight.

What seemed lovely in their sixties is now a distasteful in their late seventies, which is putting huge strain in their children.

But they refuse to move back. Say they love the tranquility???

We moved 4 hours away from all family. Sometimes we go to them, sometimes they come to us. People are usually happy to come and visit us, as we live in a beautiful part of the country which is a popular holiday destination. Our parents are getting older now and find the drive a bit much, but they can easily come by train.

@WhereYouLeftIt

Thanks for your understanding. I totally take what you say on board. I often feel triangulated with my sibling and my parent, and guilt tripped into doing stuff I don't want to do. I can imagine it being this way around any kind of care needed in future, as my sibling has already moaned about having to drive them to medical appointments etc. I used to do this for them but it was never discussed with my sibling so they clearly didn't realise the implications. Now I feel like they have made a bed for themselves. And I feel that as a few people have called out, perhaps I'm using the fact that they have relocated, and the sense of freedom that has come with that, hide the deeper issues that exist.

Thanks all. I do appreciate your feedback, good and bad, and have taken it all on board.

@MooseBreath

2 hours isn't far at all. You could leave at 9am, be there at 11am, leave at 4pm (5 hours later!), and still be home for dinner. In this sense you are being very unreasonable.

That said, you don't need to visit if you don't want to.

It's not about the driving time, it's about the fact they work and the kids have school in the week and they have commitments at weekends. It's easier to fit in when people live locally, you can pop round for half an hour. A 4 hour round trip is less easy.

But there are bank holidays and school holidays, so I would do it then.

I feel they will become isolated at some point, and expect us to travel to look after them

no. They chose to move away, they'll have to pay for taxis and a cleaner when they need help to get to appointments and around the house.

my sibling has already moaned about having to drive them to medical appointments etc

I'd moan too if neither of my parents drove and moved somewhere where they couldn't just hop on a bus, train or tram.

Given your updates, I say fuck em.

Whining about not being the favourite sibling and a 4 hrs drive; and prioritising clubs over a relationship with GPs looks pretty petty from here

Gosh. Is a relationship with GPs who prefer your cousins so important?

@notthatonethisone

I think the distance, where they've moved to, location etc are all irrelevant

The point is you feel your kids are second best to the golden child sibling.

You have wait to find out whether your siblings children will be seeing your parent before you can arrange anything.

Your parent doesn't want you and your sibling and grandkids there at the same time.

Your sibling won't see you.

These are the relevant points. I would ease off. Don't beat yourself up, schlep your kids around and make your life difficult for someone who has made it clear you and your family are not their priority.

I would go low contact. If only because your kids will pick up on this inferiority. It's not healthy for them to know they're second best.

But sorry it sounds like you have a thoroughly shit family. I'd enjoy the space you don't have your toxic family living nearby any more!

I 100% agree with this. I think you would have got different responses to your OP if you had put the update up front. Your kids will benefit from not being around that energy, and so will you. Most people have assumed you have a nice parent and are basing their responses on that, but you don't, sorry.

@ChonkyDonkey

Thanks, you're totally right but it's really hard to accept your parent is not a nice person. I need more than this from them and I'm tired.

I should have put more detail up front, I didn't mean to drip feed that but it didn't seem relevant to begin with, now I realise it's all about that.

I had a family member move abroad for a year and she was so offended when friends / family didn't come to visit as she expected everyone would be bursting to come over on holiday, but I think she missed the fact that people want to use their holiday time to go to a place they want to go and enjoy themselves, not feel obligated to go to a place they may not be interested in. If someone has decided to move to a rural location with poor transport links, that is their decision but they also have to factor in that it may not be so easy for friends / family to visit them.

They moved to be near their favourite child when they had kids, this left us feeling second best so maybe some bitterness there perhaps as our kids had good relationships with them but it feels like it was just a placeholder for them until the better grandkids were born.

You need to let this go and make a decision whether you want to see them more or not. Making excuses to further your bitterness won't help. I assume you didn't regularly travel to see your sibling either?

If it were me I'd go as often as I could. Covid stopped me seeing my parents for a year and it was pretty crap for all of us. I wouldn't want that again.

@BendyWendyCheesyFeet

Ofc you don't have to visit to take your parent to medical appointments. Or to do their housework shopping or whatever as they get older. You can set things up online and manage online shopping from afar. (social worker)

People tell you this is expected as "they are your parents" but actually even the professionals don't anticipate family who live 2 hours drive away who work with young children can do this unless they choose to and feel able to. Mind you adult social care won't do this either as that's down to health service for medical appointments. And they'll offer meals on wheels and suggest family do online shops and that the person gets a cleaner/ gardener etc, as legislation is written such that it expects use of community & private resources. Bc public funding is a scarce resource.

Local family usually take relatives to medical appointments or GP surgery arrange hospital transport when the older or disabled person are longer able to do public transport. Or people use their attendance allowance or local transport (/even may be a local borough council project always worth checking) when they can no longer drive to GP surgery.

There's so much that isn't adult services job to arrange but neither is it yours as you don't live close.

I would recommend suggesting they set up LPAs (power of attorney) for finances and property ahead of time (can be done from online forms for cost of court application for each LPA and each older person) and share that 'jointly and severally' with your sibling so that you can act individually. (Never do a solely joint arrangement where you both have to be there. !!)

If you choose to move away, you have to accept people may not come to see you. After all, it’s your decision to move not theirs. My brother moved to the US and it’s unlikely we will visit. We don’t have the finances and it’s not an area of the country I would choose to holiday, even if we did. We see him when he visits our parents who are too elderly to travel that distance.

At this point in both your lives, and given they moved away, I'd say the onus is on them to visit you. They could book airbnb / hotel for a week and catch up with other friends at the same time. Or stop somewhere enroute for a mini-break to make the trip more about them.

I definitely wouldn't be disrupting family life with three kids / activities / school etc to run round after them if they are commitment free and able to travel, no matter how inconvenient they've made it for themselves.

It’s bizarre that they are only finding out now that it’s hard to visit you

Make it clear to them that you can only visit in school holiday for the reasons you stated

Why did they move ??

Given your updates I don't think it's of paramount importance to maintain a relationship with a grandparent who obviously favours other grandkids. It's damaging and that sort of dynamic should be reduced as much as possible.

You've got this golden opportunity to step back from all the golden child shit and get on with your life without this toxicity. Grab it! If it were possible, I'd stay in a hotel nearby for a couple of days during the holidays so it's more like a getaway, and then see your parent during that time for a couple of hours. Then the focus becomes 'we're having a mini break! How exciting! Oh and just so happens Grandparent is going to see us!' rather than waiting to hear when you're allowed to pop by after travelling for fucking hours.

Take control of the narrative, do it all on your terms.

We will go visit them, and we have already tried to make plans to meet them in a central location for a day out. That is how this conversation came about as they want us to go all the way. But you're right once we have visited them next we will return the invitation and see if they can be bothered.

It's not about distance - have family like this even with relatives coming from other side of the globe.

We've lived near them and far away - we saw more of them nearer but all on their terms still.

Have IL who dont drive and live much further away (aren't always easy to get on with for me ) and they see kids regualarly where ever we've been and via vdieo call in pandemic- they do let us stop with them and they have a smaller house.

When we moved down here took years to get through to my family can't just jump on a train - tickets way more expensive hotels rooms need booking up.

Now ill health has caught up and I think they wish they had been a bit more flexible - they could get to nearby places before as they wnet when it suited them but not to help us see them - now they really can't.

Interestingly they stopped as siblings were close by with favoured GC but they had always wanted to live elsewhere - now ill health caught up that's not possible they also see less of nearby GC and they regret not moving and being happier - so there is some bitterness creeping in with them.

We tend to do visits spaced out - and with pleanty of tourist things planned but does need saving for and thus isn't frequent event.n Tend to ignore any comments about not seeing us these days - did used to talk about future plans but they were never right - found it best to say we'll be here x day.

I think a lot of times people do get quite offended when parents move nearer one sibling and it snowballs. Perhaps they just like that area more. And your sibling will end up doing more of the care as they get older so might not be such a bad thing for you. Whether they are reasonable to complain really does depend how often you are going? Just suggest a date with a reasonable amount of notice and make it a take it or leave it? Or have them to stay with you?