Daughter 19 pregnant... AIBU to be upset... Read below

[Shawaddywaddeee]

Basically I'm 37 myself and feel like I've only just got my own freedom back after having my daughter at 18.

I have no spare cash and just about manage
I have to sublet my bedroom to keep a roof over mine and my daughter's head
I have slept on my sofa for over a year

My daughter has just told me she's 6 weeks pregnant.
My daughter is lazy
Unhelpful around the flat
Not with the dad (although he says he'll support her)

I am so devastated because i had her at 18 and to say it was a struggle is an understatement.
I was in an abusive relationship for the first few years and it was incredibly lonely

She wants to keep the baby but where the hell will we put it!?
She wants to stay at home for first couple of months and I don't want her to have to leave but wth are we going to do when we have no space where we live!?
It's making me feel so shit, like I'm already being a shit granny and mum

But I work full time, I know it sounds so selfish but i don't want to be kept awake all night with a screaming baby
I never had more kids because I found it so traumatic being a young, single, lonely mum

I'm so sad she doesn't want to do more with her life, I never wanted her to make the same mistakes as me, and I feel I've failed her :(
I kept asking if she was using contraception to which I was told "yes I'm going to sort it" I should've been more pushy :(

I should say my mum sadly passed away a week ago so I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed as she would know what to do :(

Any help and advice would be much appreciated x

@Poundlick

She said she’s keeping it so knows that option already.

What’s the point in bringing that up?

It sounds tough all round. You are not a shit mum or granny for voicing practical concerns. She is an adult and needs to sort her housing for her and baby. I’d help her get sorted but all living in a tiny flat doesn’t sound viable better to be honest now. Can she speak to her midwife who should be able to help sign post her in right direction.

So sorry to hear about your Mum. You sound overwhelmed, which is understandable.

Explain that you will not be the child’s mother, she will.

^^
This will bells on. She may think you will step in and do nights etc. Make it clear you absolutely won’t as you are working. Use earplugs to get your sleep and have a lock on the sitting room door at night.

19 yos are much better able to cope with sleepless nights and the demands of a newborn that older women. I know you had a hard time b it physically it’s an ideal time to have a baby.

Can you reframe this a bit? She will be the mum and do the hard slog. But having the baby in your house could be a really positive thing, allowing you to be close to your grandchild and see life going onwards?

Surely the baby sleeps in the room with Dd?

@sweeneytoddsrazor

I would not even be contemplating suggesting abortion however gently. Other than to say it is an option. You cannot expect her to take it in any other way than mums life would have been better without me.

You can't know that she will take it that way and that she'll see it as an insult if she does. My mum has forever expected me to be grateful that she didn't abort me and do you know what my response is every time? You were 16 and pregnant and the father had stuck two fingers up at you, abortion would have been an understandable choice. My mum's life WOULD have been better had I not come along, that's not even up for debate.

[quote Hertsgirl10]@Poundlick

She said she’s keeping it so knows that option already.

What’s the point in bringing that up?[/quote]
The point in bringing it up is that the decision to keep her baby, if it fact it was a 'decision' at all, has been made in the context of the DD knowing her mother had her at the same age, and the OP understandably wanting to make her advice and her reluctance to begin to raise another baby after spending her entire adult life being a sole parent -from a very young age not sound as if she's saying her daughter was a 'mistake'.

Two people are possibly tiptoeing around one another's feelings in a situation which is too important and potentially life-altering to be fuzzy about.

I'd be especially interested in why a teenager the OP characterises as 'lazy' and 'unhelpful around the flat' despite the fact that her mother doesn't even get to sleep in a bed in order to keep a roof over their heads! has apparently decided to continue an accidental pregnancy.

I was 21 when I fell pregnant. My parents were disappointed and sad I think, and did talk to me about abortion, but I knew I wanted to keep the baby. My parents made it clear that I couldn't live there with the baby, but they would always be there for me. She's nearly 16 now and I have talked to her about contraception and she knows it was hard raising a baby with no money. I wouldn't want the same for her, I'd like her to have a career and life experiences first, but if it happened I'd support her 100% to take care of her baby.
Op I'm sorry about your Mum. I lost both my parents when I was 33, it's devastating. I'm 38 now and wish I could ask them for advice.
Having money doesn't make you a good Mum, but support and love does.

Also a young Mum here, 20, daughter now 24. I just wanted to send some strength your way.
My first thought was that your daughter considering life as a young mother probably means that you have done a great job of bringing her up and obviously made her feel that young single motherhood isn't something to fear.
I am sure you'll work through it all. FWIW I moved home from uni pregnant and stayed until my wee girl was 2 and it gave us a great start and I contributed my benefits to the family pot. Good luck!

'make the same mistakes'... lovely way to look at your child.

As someone who was a 19-year-old parent myself, I couldn't disagree more with you... my child MADE my life (best thing I ever did and got me on a much better life path) not ruined it and being a parent at any age is hard (I did teens, 20s and 30s all have challenges - the HARDEST part of being a teen mother was attitudes and judgments like yours honestly) so while you may feel that way about your own experience it doesn't mean your daughter will carry a grudge against her own child.

Get her on housing benefit and get her her own place, you don't have to raise her baby but putting your personal and bias feelings onto her life choices isn't fair.

@ChangeMustCome

Also a young Mum here, 20, daughter now 24. I just wanted to send some strength your way. My first thought was that your daughter considering life as a young mother probably means that you have done a great job of bringing her up and obviously made her feel that young single motherhood isn't something to fear. I am sure you'll work through it all. FWIW I moved home from uni pregnant and stayed until my wee girl was 2 and it gave us a great start and I contributed my benefits to the family pot. Good luck!

This. A million times over. I get the distinct impression that OP is a really good mother & her daughter a nice girl. Makes me sad to see so much negativity toward a family that need reassurance not a good sprinkle of salt.

OP, your DD has decided she wants to keep her baby. Don’t mention abortion.
I think you should also let her enjoy her pregnancy the way any other woman should. Not that I think you won’t but the many suggestions to bombard her with negatives is unhealthy for a pregnant woman. When I was heavily pregnant Someone once told me I looked lovely. I was nearly in tears because I’d had no words of encouragement until then. If this is going to be her only pregnancy she should enjoy it.

@Poundlick

In the original post she says that her daughter wants to keep the baby, so she knows that abortion is an option, no point then suggesting… well you should get an abortion cos I’m not gonna be help, it was bad enough having to keep and raise you now my time is up.
I know that’s not what she would say but come on, imagine all the years later that will be in your mind thinking I told my mum I’m having a baby she said get rid of it, you won’t forget that.

OP has to deal with the facts she’s got now, she needs to tell her she won’t be losing her new found freedom and I’m sorry but why does anyone need to sublet to pay their bills? It’s actually OP’s fault that she’s on the sofa she doesn’t need a lodger, is subletting even legal?
She’s in a 2 bed place, bedroom her her and her daughter, not a lodger. Yes I get times are hard but to leave yourself on a sofa, and people to blame the daughter, she was already on the sofa before baby came. I think maybe OP should take some responsibility here too.
Don’t want to sound harsh to the OP but what if the lodger wasn’t there what would she do for money?
Working full time and not being able to pay the rent surely you would get some help with that in a top up?

She is 19 working 2 jobs and studying, OP made her sound like a bum, I think maybe the girl would be better off in her own place cos it seems like she’s been a burden on her since the day she had her, and thinks her grandchild would be too, maybe her daughter doesn’t see it as that and wants a family of her own.

She’s 19 not 13 she can go to the council and move out, or would that cause a bedroom tax element for you OP?

It's not as simple as some people want to make it. I was 32 when i had my first. 35 when i had my last. It was their father who was my mistake. I probably made it look easier than it was too but it is not a small thing to start at the beginning again when freedom finally looms. I would cry my fucking eyes out if my dd got prg.
Our tiny shabby house has thin walls, its always a mess, i work full time and we get by.
I cant afford to set up a prg dd in her own place. This took every cent i have. I couldnt afford to help her move out. Id have to buckle in for another 25 years???

@UserBot999 how could you ever be in this situation if you had children in your thirties?

In the original post she says that her daughter wants to keep the baby, so she knows that abortion is an option, no point then suggesting… well you should get an abortion cos I’m not gonna be help, it was bad enough having to keep and raise you now my time is up. I know that’s not what she would say but come on, imagine all the years later that will be in your mind thinking I told my mum I’m having a baby she said get rid of it, you won’t forget that.

That's exactly why I made the point I made, @Hertsgirl10 -- it seems to me perfectly possible that the possibility of terminating the pregnancy has not been properly put on the table by the OP because she's worried it will sound as though she wishes she hadn't had her daughter.

The fact that the OP got pregnant in her own teens shouldn't be clouding the issue here out of misplaced awkwardness about the circumstances of her daughter's conception. They should be able to discuss whether this pregnancy should be terminated regardless of that. It's far too life-changing a decision for the OP's logic to be 'Oh, I'd better not advise that she inform herself about termination and consider it seriously before making a final decision in case she thinks I mean I didn't want her and regret her', or to hold back on telling her daughter precisely how difficult it was to be a very young mother in her own experience.

I think it's really important OP to step back and allow yourself to feel all those emotions.

But equally, so must your DD.

She is only 6 weeks pregnant. It's very very early days.
It may be that her first instinct is to keep the baby.
But in a week or more, the reality may set in.

She is training for a job that does not have a great income- a beauty therapist. She will be looking at a future of being self employed or working for a salon or maybe a spa. Both jobs will not pay much more than a minimum wage for a long time (and ok, she might get tips.)

Life for her as a single mum will be one of relying on benefits far more than someone who is training to be a nurse, teacher, dr, dentist, lawyer, engineer- whatever.

She needs to face the reality of who will care for her baby while she continues her training, or stops, limiting her prospects even more.
Life on benefits is no picnic. She might make a success of it- women do- but it's not a route anyone would recommend.

I don't think you are, for a moment , saying you wish you'd terminated your pregnancy simply by suggesting she considers that. You are now at 37 and still scrimping and scraping to make ends meet. This is what she needs to see and understand.

I used to teach sec schools girls. Some did become pregnant. They kept their babies as they had nothing else much in their lives to look forward to. The baby was almost a 'toy' as someone who would love them when no one else did, so they thought.

You clearly love your daughter and are a good mum.
Make her see the reality of what lies ahead while there is time to change her mind.

My daughter also has a condition which means falling pregnant could potentially be difficult and the possibility of miscarriage is high, so what if this turned out to be her only chance?

Well falling pregnant doesn’t appear to be difficult so this is a red herring. She’s not in a position to have a child and you don’t want to facilitate her - I wouldn’t either, so it’s up to her to sort it out. Don’t fall prey to emotional blackmail, a baby now is not a blessing at all it’s really bad news for both of you.

@PinkTonic that’s just an awful thing to say. Truly awful.

It's not an awful thing to say - if you can get pregnant via a one off one night stand it can't be that difficult for you!

I wouldn't drag my daughter down the abortion clinic but I would say - you will have to move out and get your own place. I will not be able to offer full time childcare so you will have to either quit your placement and your job or figure out how you will afford private childcare. Your one night stand has said he will support you but do you know him enough to trust him? What if he leaves you? You will not be able to carry on living like you do and your life will be consumed by a baby: you will not be able to meet another man as easily. Bearing all this in mind do you want to continue the pregnancy.

If she says yes I'd ask her why. That's all you can do.

And I agree with @pinktonic - circumstances are never perfect for a child but these couldn't be much worse

I don't think @PinkTonic's point is an 'awful' one, either. I don't think the rationale should be 'I need to continue this pregnancy in deeply un-ideal circumstances, in case I can't ever conceive again'.

It’s an awful comment because OP has said that her DD & the father consider this baby a blessing. That’s what they feel about their child. It’s definitely awful to tell them it isn’t a blessing.
She may have a condition that will worsen with age so it’s best not to comment on how fertile she is or will be in the future. People fall pregnant after twenty years of trying or once very easily and then never again. OP has only touched on that so we should respect that she knows more about that than we do.

There are definitely poorer circumstances. People decide to continue with pregnancies when they lnkw their child will be very sick for example. The value of a child does not depend on the judgment of strangers on the internet.
This woman is struggling with grief and now this and all this sticking the boot in is quite unsettling. Imagine telling someone their life is the worst possible scenario to be born into. Children are born during wars. It’s a very melodramatic, heavily judgmental statement to make.

My daughter has only just got the apprenticeship 1 week ago and hasn't started the 2nd job yet..

Before this she worked in a pub PT but doesn't do anything at home. Literally nothing which is an on going issue.

I sleep on my sofa because our rent is extremely high (over £1000) that's not including bills, food etc

It may be wrong to sub let but we would have nowhere to live if I didn't..
Trust me it's no fun and incredibly embarrassing to say I sleep on my sofa but I am just trying to survive and provide x

And before you say move somewhere cheaper our whole life is here (work, friends etc) including my dad and younger siblings who needs us more than ever right now since the loss of mum X

I really do appreciate all the words of support and advice, I think the bottom line is she will have to move out as the flat is already cramped

I just feel sad I can't support her in the way I'd like to be able to x

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum and then this shock on top.i also think you should work together over the next few months to find her her own place as I can imagine the person who is subletting your room will also not take kindly to being woken by crying baby and you will lose that income,you will also finally be able to have a bedroom again which is important,I've had to share with dd for 5 years and have another 2 to go so know how horrible it is without own space.

I’m so sorry
Your daughter will find her own way.

Everyone judges but it's not about that - we're looking at the facts op has presented. Op's daughter is not living in a war and the ethics and moral dilemmas around giving birth to children who may not survive do not apply here. A 'child is a blessing' statement is just that - a meaningless statement.

Every point you've made about keeping the child is adult focussed - their blessing, their grief. No thought for the child.

Having been someone who has fallen pregnant easily and who now faces IVF - there is NO REGRET at having an abortion for me when young. How stupid to have a child 'just in case' I couldn't have one in the future. Again totally adult focussed with no consideration for the child brought in to heal my grief or whatever. Just no sense.

You are not a bad person for feeling this way.
Unfortunately, you may have to give her some tough love. She will have to apply for housing benefit/council housing.