Daughter 19 pregnant... AIBU to be upset... Read below

[Shawaddywaddeee]

Basically I'm 37 myself and feel like I've only just got my own freedom back after having my daughter at 18.

I have no spare cash and just about manage
I have to sublet my bedroom to keep a roof over mine and my daughter's head
I have slept on my sofa for over a year

My daughter has just told me she's 6 weeks pregnant.
My daughter is lazy
Unhelpful around the flat
Not with the dad (although he says he'll support her)

I am so devastated because i had her at 18 and to say it was a struggle is an understatement.
I was in an abusive relationship for the first few years and it was incredibly lonely

She wants to keep the baby but where the hell will we put it!?
She wants to stay at home for first couple of months and I don't want her to have to leave but wth are we going to do when we have no space where we live!?
It's making me feel so shit, like I'm already being a shit granny and mum

But I work full time, I know it sounds so selfish but i don't want to be kept awake all night with a screaming baby
I never had more kids because I found it so traumatic being a young, single, lonely mum

I'm so sad she doesn't want to do more with her life, I never wanted her to make the same mistakes as me, and I feel I've failed her :(
I kept asking if she was using contraception to which I was told "yes I'm going to sort it" I should've been more pushy :(

I should say my mum sadly passed away a week ago so I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed as she would know what to do :(

Any help and advice would be much appreciated x

So sorry that you have to go through this.
Don't have much advice but a suggestion, you should advise her the same which you wish you'd have got when you were 18 which might have helped you make an informed decision.
Apart from that, whatever she chooses to do is her decision and she will have to live with it and better to set realistic boundaries now so she knows what she is signing up for.
Hope things get better for you.

@MyDcAreMarvel the baby may be fine in the DDs room for 5 years, does that mean the OP gets to sleep on the sofa for another five years?

@MyDcAreMarvel

Tell her she needs to find her own accommodation for herself and the baby. You are already stretched to the limit. You don't need this. Definitely don’t take this awful advice. The baby will be fine in your daughters room until at least five years old. I am sure your dd will want to find her feet by then. Am so sorry for your loss.

This is ridiculous.

My daughter is next door and the walls are so thin that the sound of her thrashing around like a bull in a china shop keeps me awake and wakes me up. There is no way she could have a baby and for that not to take over the house entirely.

Five years of having a baby- child in the house would be the most depressing thing in the world for me to envisage.

just lost a brother to suicide and she's just lost my mum who was like a mother to her , so I think they both feel this is a blessing and a good distraction from the Grief they are feeling.
It might be, babies have a way of bringing lot's of love.
You're not a shit DM you're in a difficult situation.
Things are forever changing even financially.
I think you're in shock too knowing her life will be tough as a single mother.
Are you a home owner, I know you can't down size.

Will DD receive tax credits for childcare?
She's going to have to start saving hard over the next few months but will receive weekly tax credits too increasing the household income.
I know it's not great.

[quote rookiemere]@MyDcAreMarvel the baby may be fine in the DDs room for 5 years, does that mean the OP gets to sleep on the sofa for another five years? [/quote]
yes! what about the OP?!

Freedom was around the corner for her!

a baby in the flat for another 5 years being presented as no big deal is really taking the OP for granted.

This must be so hard. You're not a shit mum. Would your daughter qualify for social housing and any benefits?
Personally I wouldn't count on support from the dad. Yes, many of them make promises about support, but don't follow through when they realise how much children cost to bring up. I would still chase him for maintenance but would treat that as a bonus and plan things as though she would be a single mum with no support from him.

I didn’t necessarily mean that she would get housing benefit but she will get benefits and out of that she will be able to contribute. If she isn’t entirely running her own house and her mum is effectively her flat mate she will be able to share certain costs. I can’t imagine the lodger is paying hundreds weekly.

OP, if she is currently training & in employment she definitely isn’t as lazy as you think. Perhaps she doesn’t clean up after herself etc but that’s quite normal from what I see of my own DD & her friends.
Honestly she sounds like she’s a good kid. I know it’s not great timing and there’s a million things that could be better but it’s not nice that so many have written this off as a list cause already.

When I had my baby there was a lot of judgment. Lots of sarky comments from older people. My Mum’s friends relished in telling me how much I’d messed up. All these years later I know they must cringe because life turned out very well for me. Much better than it has for them. Be careful because misery loves company. I am sure you will all be fine and you will feel anything is possible when you meet your lovely grandchild.

Lost cause not list!

You say you are subletting your bedroom currently, are you buying or renting? If you are renting then are you breaking your tenancy agreement. Your daughter going to the council could potentially open up a whole can of worms. If she does go to the council, then you are most likely to have to be literally kicking her out and she will be put in temporary accommodation for a while until something more permanent becomes available. You won't be able to claim overcrowding if the lodger shouldn't be there.

It will be a good idea to talk to her and establish firm boundaries in terms of her moving out and how much, if any, you can help out.

I mean this kindly, but i don't think you can critisize her... You did the exact same thing. No point thinking why did she do this - same reason as you. Or saying she could have done better for herself - so could you. The exact same factors acting on you acted on her. You'd probably say life happened... Well it happened for her too.

@Spreadingtheword

I just seen you’re upset she doesn’t want to do more with her life. I think that’s a bit of an unfair statement; despite me agreeing with the majority of your post.

You say she’s never been one for clubbing and is a home bird, that’s very much me too. I’ve always known I won’t travel the world or have any goals I can’t complete without being settled with children. - Me and DP brought our first house when I was only 20, and starting trying for our first baby at 21, has her at 22 and it’s been the light of my life. I am much happier being a parent than I was just working and dawdling around doing nothing, we started trying for our second baby a couple years later and he’ll be due in the next couple of months now. I’ve always worked full time, I went back to work after maternity leave, I’ll do the same this time except I will be part time when I return this time around - but only because we’ve sorted out finances, brought a bigger house for our expanding family and can afford for me to go part time and spend more time with my children and still being in a comfortable income and not have to worry about our finances.

It’s ok for DD to not want to ‘do more’ with her life before she has children.. but ideally she needs to be responsible before baby comes, she can’t be lazy with a baby - it just won’t work. She’s going to find it very difficult otherwise. Each to their own on what age they have their babies as long as their emotionally and financially able to provide for them.

Well this girl hasn’t bought a house with her DP has she? She’s got pregnant with a young man who doesn’t want to be with her but says he’ll ‘support her’ and is living in a house without enough bedrooms for everyone who lives there.

A bit of ‘dawdling about’ might have been prudent before getting pregnant in this case. Or as I call it, working towards financial independence.

Not that I think the mum can force the girl to terminate or anything, but no point comparing a young single woman with no means of supporting herself with a young woman living in her own home with her husband/partner supporting her.

And as for ‘the baby will be fine in dd room for five years until she finds her feet’ the ‘baby’ will be in reception by then! Where will all his toys go? Who’ll be watching him while his mother presumably tries to work? Why on earth will she need five years of coddling until she ‘gets on her feet?’

It’s not practical. If she’s making the choice to become a mum she needs to be looking at how she will actually work it, and living in her mum’s house sharing a bedroom with her child for five years until she’s 24 isn’t practical.

Can she get some counselling to work things through (pref with the father involved). Whilst the idea of a baby may seem like it will be a happy event that lessens the pain of the bereavements/ MH issues etc the reality is often that it can exacerbate MH problems. I think there’s a perception that some services are linked to abortion but actually they aren’t and they are impartial. Best to let her work through things with a neutral party and come to her own decision.
I think potentially she and especially the father are going to need some ongoing support/ counselling if they decide to keep the baby. Might be worth looking into whether there are any support services for young people now

Oh this is a tough one with the other issues you mention.
I think your number one priority is not to do anything that causes irreparable damage to your relationship.
Make clear you are not disappointed in her but for her because you understand how much harder she is making life. That said it is her life and her choices.
She needs to step up. Focus on getting through the apprenticeship. Can she do this before baby comes? It is actually a decent choice as it is more flexible than a lot of employment options but she needs the qualifications.
Then you need to sit down and help her work out the financial side. What maternity pay might she get, what benefits etc. She makes the calls but you can point her in the right direction.
Be completely open about the financial side with the lodger. This money has to be replaced.
I know it's not going to be easy but it may not be as bad as you fear.
A young mum is better than a daughter pushed into abortion who is then plagued by mental health difficulties.
If she didn't have the other health factors, I may not feel like this but deciding to abort would be much more complex for her and it sounds unlikely to be an option she's consider

You will need to talk to your daughter and lay out all her options, let her know how difficult and lonely it is being a single mum. She & the father will probably start off full of good intentions, but are they dependable & mature enough to have this responsibility? As you well know only too well that life is never your own when you have a child.
I think as she is only a few weeks on a termination would be the best choice.

I’m sorry about the loss of your dear mum.

There's worse things that happen than a teenage pregnancy.... it doesn't mean you'll be transported back to your baby days either if you put hard boundaries in place

I'd be telling her you'll support her emotionally throughout, but she needs to understand that the baby is her responsibility, she needs to pay her way, make up the loss of earnings because of the lodger pay additional rent, or get herself another place, plus you won't be a live in babysitter, so if she works she has to arrange childcare. I'd also put a deadline date in as to when she needs to move out by. It sounds harsh but you'll need to, to protect your own mh

I would not even be contemplating suggesting abortion however gently. Other than to say it is an option. You cannot expect her to take it in any other way than mums life would have been better without me.

YANBU and you are not a shit mum. I think your daughter needs to have a conversation with you about the realities of having a baby and a support network and also about not making decisions while HALT - hungry, angry, lonely or tired (or indeed, grieving)

Does she realize the pressure of a pregnancy or baby?
Does she realize the struggle you had and she will have?
Does she want to be tied to the father of the baby for at least the next 18 years?
Does she realize her life will essentially be on pause, if not until baby goes to school but at least the first year? Crèche and nursery fees, nappies, milk, clothes...
Does she realize that you are actually not in a position to support her? That you don't have spare cash, that you still have to work to survive yourself and that you cannot and will not be able to be a babysitter?

With her mum working and needing the money and her baby's father having his own MH struggles and they're not together, where will she have her support network? (I'm not criticizing you at all, the reality is she will probably really have to manage quite a lot on her own and support herself and her baby at the same time.)

I feel for you OP.

I mean this kindly, but i don't think you can critisize her... You did the exact same thing. No point thinking why did she do this - same reason as you. Or saying she could have done better for herself - so could you. The exact same factors acting on you acted on her. You'd probably say life happened... Well it happened for her too.

Reading between the lines here, it sounds as if OP's mum put pressure on her to keep the baby when she would have terminated. She says as much really.

And now here OP is, at 37, sleeping on the sofa in her own flat with her lodger having her own room, so that she can keep a roof over the head of that same child. Looking forward to finally, at nearing 40, being free of the situation that the decision to keep the baby cost her, maybe live some life for herself, maybe begin to become more financially stable now that dependant child is soon going to be able to support herself.

Oh no, sorry. Whoops! There's going to be another baby! Big snake, right down to the bottom of the board, because guess what? The daughter who isn't even yet supporting herself is going to keep the baby, and they're now going to need X more years of support, childcare, space, money.

OP, I would tell her absolutely honestly that if she wants to keep this baby she will need to do it as an adult, independently of you, because if you don't achieve some freedom from caring and supporting to focus on yourself, you will crack. Secondly, there is no choice anyway as without the lodger there will be no roof over anyone's head, and it is simply NOT GOING TO HAPPEN that a two bedroom flat can house a lodger along with one adult on a sofa and the other room housing a mother and a newborn. Honestly - I'm surprised that this is working as it is anyway. There is essentially no living space, you're completely overcrowded already.

You have done your time.
You can tell her how incredibly hard it was for you.
You should also tell her that there is no space and you will absolutely 100% HAVE to make her homeless so that she gets housed as the alternative is, you'll lose the lodger (either because of noise or overcrowding or both) and then EVERYONE will be in the shit.

I really really hope that she chooses to terminate and if I were you I would be very upfront about what her choices will mean for everyone ASAP so she has time to consider.

OP

You've said she's lazy and I think many people take that as she's a lay about. Yet you've confirmed she's working and doing an Apprenticeship so not that lazy.

You don't have to stay with someone to raise or have a child.

She can’t be that lazy if she’s doing an apprenticeship for crap money and working, she seems to be responsible in that sense.

You’re not a shit mum I think you’re comparing yourself and your pregnancy to hers now, it’s not the same.

Getting pregnant isn’t the end of the world, some replies on here are quite dramatic and insulting to some young ladies that have got pregnant young.
Not all teens care about partying like life’s over cos of that.

Might well be the making of her.
I can’t ever imagine throwing my daughter out for this, it’s not 1930, yes there’s a financial issue but it can all work out?

Are you in a council house?

It’s not ideal but it’s not like life is over for her, she can do anything, literally anything.
If she wants she can go to uni or get a job once baby is here, there’s help for this.
My friend was 15 when she had her baby and spent years educating herself and now has an amazing job.

@sweeneytoddsrazor

I would not even be contemplating suggesting abortion however gently. Other than to say it is an option. You cannot expect her to take it in any other way than mums life would have been better without me.

See, I think this would be deeply irresponsible if the OP and her daughter left this important option undiscussed purely because they were tiptoeing around one another's feelings about the fact that the OP had her DD at the same age, and struggled.

@Ilady

I can understand why you feel disappointed in your daughter being pregnant. I sit down and ask her what she is going to do for money and ask her where she plans to live? I tell her then that if she wants a baby that your not in a position to give up work. Tell her the cost of nappies, baby milk, clothes ect and tell her your not in a financial position to support you her and a baby. I tell her that since she got pregnant she can talk to her boyfriend and she and him can start to figure out how they can afford to move out and afford to bring up a child. I also tell her that her boyfriend might never give her money or even mind the child despite what he told her. In fact in her case I tell her to have an abortion as she in not in a good position to bring up a child. I also say to her that her friends will move on with to their lives, go to college, go abroad on holidays, buy a car ect and that she will be stuck with a baby/child. I know it hard dealing with this on top of your mother's death. Unless you lay down the law with her and get her to have an abortion your going to end up in a worse position.

Tell her to have an abortion? Lay down the law and get her to have an abortion? Disgusting.

I'm sorry for what your going through I understand its hard . But its your daughters baby and body. If she was pushed into abortion over guilt and regretted it she has to live with that for the rest of her life . She may also resent you if you push her to hard. It's not fair to put your past struggles on to her.

She does not have to stay at home. But it does not have to be done in a bad way that strains your relationship it can be done in a supportive way. You could sit with your dd tell her that having a baby in the house would just not work . So she will have to move out . But she can get help with that . (You ) will need to give her a letter to give to the Council giving her 28 days to move out. Probably better to wait till a bit later in her pregnancy to give the 28 day notice.
Some councils will help her find a private rent where they will help her with the deposit. And she can then claim universal credit/housing benefit for the rent. This is to prevent homelessness. Or they could put her into temporary accommodation and she will then begin to bid on social housing.

That way she keeps the baby (if she wants to) you get the home to be baby free . And hopefully you can have a proper gedroom fir yourself. You can still support dd but at arms length.

I think you need to set out what you will and will not do in terms of help and support so that she can make an informed decision on how she is going to tackle the pregnancy and looking after and financing the child, her accommodation etc in the future.
By fully understanding that you are employed and will not be babysitting at every opportunity, financing her upkeep and accommodation then she can make an informed choice as to whether she is going to change and step-up to being a mother or if she and her partner are unable to fulfil these roles in which case she should explore other options.