Are WE being unreasonable?

[Vindicated2021]

Scattering FILs ashes today.

There will be MIL, me, DH and 2 DDs.
SIL, BIL, DD21, DS17, DD13.

Just getting ready to leave and SIL texts to say "Oh just to let you know DD21 is bringing along a friend for support"

I feel its inappropriate but my DH has hit the roof. No one knows this girl apart from DD21. SIL and BIL have only met her a handful of times.

DH (and I) believe it should be a private family affair without some random girl there who never knew FIL. He said it would feel "awkward". He messaged back saying very politely that he wouldn't feel comfortable and that the whole family would be there to offer cuddles and tissues.

SIL has text back saying "How dare he dictate to her how her family should grieve and that whether he likes it or not she's coming and he needs to get over it as it's not all about him" (she is known to make and like a drama).

We are now heading to what should be a lovely family time of memories and reflection, and DH is raging and I know there is going to be a horrible atmosphere.

Are we being unreasonable here?

It's a bit odd to have asked a friend to come to such a personal family event. I didn't take my husband to my gf funeral . If I was the friend I'd be very uncomfortable. Whatever is going on that that caused her to take someone who's a stranger to the family scattering of gf ashes, your dh will need to bite his tongue till it's over, and try not to fall out with his Sis. Try not to channel the grief into a fight.

If a thread is too long to read all of it, the simple way to find out what happened after page 1 is to click on "see all" under the opening post. That shows you all the posts made by the OP, who may have answered whatever question you want to know about in (say) page 4.

Glad all went well op.

@WTF475878237NC

I would hate strangers there for such a private event where the family should be able to cry together in private. YANBU.

This.

I voted YABU, good for you that you all have each other for support, but not everyone finds that within a family. Why the cloak and dagger affair about it all, it’s not something shameful and secret, surely people see this as a way of saying goodbye - you can do that with someone else’s support person thete

@AsYouWishButtercup

I voted YABU, good for you that you all have each other for support, but not everyone finds that within a family. Why the cloak and dagger affair about it all, it’s not something shameful and secret, surely people see this as a way of saying goodbye - you can do that with someone else’s support person thete

Wtf?

@woowoowaa

YABU Definitely nothing to do with you. Your husband is bringing YOU for support. For all you know other members of DH will feel inhibited by you being there.

Such a bizarre response, comparing a wife who'd have been present at family events and involved in family life to someone that the family hasn't met 😂

Your husband is bringing YOU for support

Really?

Or OP is attending as a loved daughter-in-law and part of the family for years.

No your not being Unreasonable, I don’t think this is the time or the occasion to bring a friend. I’ve recently had my own experience of this only worse!!
Brother in law died tragically very young, 2 teenage boys 16-18. Their girlfriends were there when he died but not his parents?! ( they wanted to be) Absolutely mental behaviour from wife and to make matters worse the girlfriends went in the mourning car at the funeral and not the parents?! My own family were in utter disbelief when I told them what was happening. Teenage son has already moved on to the third girlfriend since this happened 1 year ago.

How interesting! Can’t believe how close the vote is! I think you are being unreasonable. It’s up to individuals how they grieve and who they need for support. Whilst texting you on the morning was bad, it’s not right to regulate any one’s response to death. In my thinking the death of a person is more than a family event. It can touch people you may not know and those who you do know relate to it personally in the way that is best for them. X

Perhaps their daughter needs some support from her friend. I recently attended the funeral of a close friends' mother to give support to my friend. Although the funeral in question was bigger, than your FIL's funeral, my friend's sister said to her, 'Who are those people [ie me and a couple of other friends)? Why are they here?!' At the time my friend was single and needed her buddies around her. I don't think anyone except for a close friend would come to a funeral. In some cultures it's very usual for people close to the mourners to attend out of respect and concern for their friends even if other family members don't know them.

I guess it's up to MIL, DH and SIL. It's going to happen so DH will just have to accept it. However, I would feel the same as your DH.

@dcthatsme

Perhaps their daughter needs some support from her friend. I recently attended the funeral of a close friends' mother to give support to my friend. Although the funeral in question was bigger, than your FIL's funeral, my friend's sister said to her, 'Who are those people [ie me and a couple of other friends)? Why are they here?!' At the time my friend was single and needed her buddies around her. I don't think anyone except for a close friend would come to a funeral. In some cultures it's very usual for people close to the mourners to attend out of respect and concern for their friends even if other family members don't know them.

It wasn't the funeral and it's all done now. The friend didn't go.

I think your DH needs to grow up and stop causing drama. From my point of view it wouldn't be ideal to have someone I didn't know there, but people grieve in different ways and need support. Just because your DH doesn't know them doesn't mean they can't support someone surely. At 21 they are just a young adult, if they want someone there then why on earth not. Just concentrate on what you need to do not make dramas with someone else. Sorry but I think YABU.

Sounds like your dh likes drama too

@mommyisbest

How interesting! Can’t believe how close the vote is! I think you are being unreasonable. It’s up to individuals how they grieve and who they need for support. Whilst texting you on the morning was bad, it’s not right to regulate any one’s response to death. In my thinking the death of a person is more than a family event. It can touch people you may not know and those who you do know relate to it personally in the way that is best for them. X

I think it's quite close because a lot of people missed the fact that it wasn't the funeral!

And anyway, all sorted now. It was the special time the family wanted and the friend didn't go.

Incredible how many people either don't know the difference between a funeral and the scattering of the ashes, or don't bother to read the posts properly.

I think it’s quite out of order , should just be family !

Your husband is grieving and rightly so doesn’t want some random girl there , men find it hard enough to show emotions to people close to them , never mind some stranger ! I think it was careless sil and her dd!

Hope it went ok in the end ❤️

@Vindicated2021

Well...here's a development and a half......!

I text SIL just to ask how she was doing and she replied, "yes I'm OK. Just having a drink to Dad. Still can't get over mum not wanting the grandkids to be there though. There was no way in hell my kids would miss saying their final goodbyes to their Grandad!"

I sent a diplomatically reply back, but this was the first I had heard about no grandchildren!!!

Why didn't the MIL want the GD there? That sounds very bizarre.

Not read the full thread and I know it is done now but no I wouldnt have been happy a friend is coming it is not a day out and only close people should be there

How come your DH didn't know about his Mum's wishes not to have grandchildren at the scattering of the ashes?

Everyone grieves in their own way, but I do find this a bit peculiar. It is clearly a closed family event, so for it to be suggested and then demanded that a stranger come is definitely weird. I would feel SO uncomfortable if I were the friend! I wonder is she knew what she'd been invited to?!

Seen your updates, glad it all went well and that your DH and SIL had a good moment together.

I remember burying my dad. Mum didn't want me to bring my fiancé, even though my family had known and adored him for years. I don't know why it had to be that way. My siblings were all invited to bring wives, husbands, kids. I sat alone. I was so sad about my dad that I don't know if it would have made a difference having someone for "support". I sucked it up and now I am glad I didn't fall out with anyone over it.
Grief makes people behave in strange ways, but whatever happens, allowing it to cause a family argument would not be what FIL would want.

It is done now. Probably best to let sleeping dogs lie than discuss it further with anyone else.

Really out of order. Scattering a loved ones ashes is not something you want to do with a stranger!
I wouldn’t want to be sharing memories feeling vulnerable and emotional, maybe crying in front of a random person I didn’t know. Particularly hard for the guys to be showing emotion at the best of times. I think DSIL should be apologising !