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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are WE being unreasonable?

337 replies

Vindicated2021 · 16/01/2022 09:34

Scattering FILs ashes today.

There will be MIL, me, DH and 2 DDs.
SIL, BIL, DD21, DS17, DD13.

Just getting ready to leave and SIL texts to say "Oh just to let you know DD21 is bringing along a friend for support"

I feel its inappropriate but my DH has hit the roof. No one knows this girl apart from DD21. SIL and BIL have only met her a handful of times.

DH (and I) believe it should be a private family affair without some random girl there who never knew FIL. He said it would feel "awkward". He messaged back saying very politely that he wouldn't feel comfortable and that the whole family would be there to offer cuddles and tissues.

SIL has text back saying "How dare he dictate to her how her family should grieve and that whether he likes it or not she's coming and he needs to get over it as it's not all about him" (she is known to make and like a drama).

We are now heading to what should be a lovely family time of memories and reflection, and DH is raging and I know there is going to be a horrible atmosphere.

Are we being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
dizzygirl1 · 16/01/2022 15:57

Your DH has you for support, why is DN not allowed anyone for support? I think you're being unreasonable, she's not asking for a massive party, she's bringing a friend for support.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/01/2022 16:02

[quote WinnersDinner]@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea

Based on the OP this was also supposed to be a private family event

Hence the reaction and the small guest list[/quote]
Was that known by all involved though? SIL didn't seem to know that it was exclusively for family? I had assumed SIL to be the DH's sister but may be wrong.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 16/01/2022 16:03

@dizzygirl1

Your DH has you for support, why is DN not allowed anyone for support? I think you're being unreasonable, she's not asking for a massive party, she's bringing a friend for support.
She had her family there for support and surprise surprise she seemed to cope absolutely fine.
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/01/2022 16:04

@PinkWaferBiscuit

That's unfair. There isn't a blanket rule saying that it should or shouldn't be a private family affair. Just because that's your view on it doesn't mean that applies for other people.

Its not just my view though and it's not unfair Confused. It's quite a widely held view that the scattering of someone's ashes is exactly that a personal and private family event.

By unfair I meant it's unfair to make that assumption.

I've scattered ashes of more people than I wish, and some of those occasions have been close family only and others have not.

I don't see why people would assume it is always a family only event unless specified otherwise.
I would assume it was invite only though and it seems the SIL gave her DD permission to invite her friend.

Original poster
Vindicated2021 · 16/01/2022 16:10

Well...here's a development and a half......!

I text SIL just to ask how she was doing and she replied, "yes I'm OK. Just having a drink to Dad. Still can't get over mum not wanting the grandkids to be there though. There was no way in hell my kids would miss saying their final goodbyes to their Grandad!"

I sent a diplomatically reply back, but this was the first I had heard about no grandchildren!!!

OP posts:
WinnersDinner · 16/01/2022 16:12

@Vindicated2021

Well...here's a development and a half......!

I text SIL just to ask how she was doing and she replied, "yes I'm OK. Just having a drink to Dad. Still can't get over mum not wanting the grandkids to be there though. There was no way in hell my kids would miss saying their final goodbyes to their Grandad!"

I sent a diplomatically reply back, but this was the first I had heard about no grandchildren!!!

Sounds like it wasn't their decision not to bring the friend in the end then, more forced on them.

Good for your MIL

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2022 16:14

@Vindicated2021

It really was beautiful. Never realised how heavy ashes are (if that makes sense?!) He was always watching his weight when he was alive so a couple of jokes were made. Was absolutely perfect and the sun was shining 😌
Yes, it's really surprising isn't it?

I'm glad it was such a lovely day. It made all the difference when we did this for our friend.

1forAll74 · 16/01/2022 16:31

I would not see it as awful,or a problem, if an extra person attended a scattering of ashes occasion.

MintJulia · 16/01/2022 16:36

I can't see the issue. As long as the friend is respectful, I don't understand why it is a problem. DD21 is an adult, she is old enough to know who she wants by her side.

Yabu and a bit controlling IMO.

blyn · 16/01/2022 16:44

The friend may be more than a friend.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 16/01/2022 16:46

@Vindicated2021

Well...here's a development and a half......!

I text SIL just to ask how she was doing and she replied, "yes I'm OK. Just having a drink to Dad. Still can't get over mum not wanting the grandkids to be there though. There was no way in hell my kids would miss saying their final goodbyes to their Grandad!"

I sent a diplomatically reply back, but this was the first I had heard about no grandchildren!!!

Perhaps MIL confided this to her daughter that she'd rather the kids weren't there and she talked her out of it? If that was the case why would you know about it?
WinnersDinner · 16/01/2022 16:46

@MintJulia

I can't see the issue. As long as the friend is respectful, I don't understand why it is a problem. DD21 is an adult, she is old enough to know who she wants by her side.

Yabu and a bit controlling IMO.

It's up to MIL who attends

Not any of those invited to bring extras

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 16/01/2022 16:54

@Vindicated2021

Well...here's a development and a half......!

I text SIL just to ask how she was doing and she replied, "yes I'm OK. Just having a drink to Dad. Still can't get over mum not wanting the grandkids to be there though. There was no way in hell my kids would miss saying their final goodbyes to their Grandad!"

I sent a diplomatically reply back, but this was the first I had heard about no grandchildren!!!

So SiL had over-ruled the widow once already, and perhaps realised that bringing along a random stranger as well would be pushing her luck?
FilledSoda · 16/01/2022 16:55

But the grandchildren were there weren't they ?
The niece is a grandchild .

PinkWaferBiscuit · 16/01/2022 16:57

@FilledSoda

But the grandchildren were there weren't they ? The niece is a grandchild .
I read the OPs message as that the MIL didn't actually want the grandchildren there for the scattering of the ashes but SIL had overridden her and brought her children anyway?
AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 16/01/2022 16:58

@FilledSoda

But the grandchildren were there weren't they ? The niece is a grandchild .
Just so. The wishes of the mother/grandmother had been ignored and the grandchildren were there in spite of her having said she didn't want them.

Clearly it wasn't up to MiL who attended.

KarmaStar · 16/01/2022 16:58

Yanbu.It's an extremely personal family time,a time to reflect,laugh and cry together.
If they want an outsider there they should arrange their own personal memorial.
I assume by now you have scattered the ashes,I hope all went smoothly with no I'll feelings.Flowers

ancientgran · 16/01/2022 17:01

So did you DH know his mother didn't want the GC there?

LittleGwyneth · 16/01/2022 17:13

I am 10000% with your DH. If everyone was allowed to bring someone else then that would be a different matter. You can't just decide that it's an open event and bring someone without asking the rest of the family. I think the niece is being incredibly selfish, especially as it's your DH's parent and her grandparent.

dapsnotplimsolls · 16/01/2022 17:18

So SIL trampled all over MIL's wishes? Nice.

ESGdance · 16/01/2022 17:22

@Vindicated2021

Well...here's a development and a half......!

I text SIL just to ask how she was doing and she replied, "yes I'm OK. Just having a drink to Dad. Still can't get over mum not wanting the grandkids to be there though. There was no way in hell my kids would miss saying their final goodbyes to their Grandad!"

I sent a diplomatically reply back, but this was the first I had heard about no grandchildren!!!

Sounds like shit stirring to get back at you both. If so that’s really low on a day like today.

Don’t get drawn in.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 16/01/2022 17:31

it is over now, and the friend didnt come
it is the kind of thing my dd would do

i am glad the day went ok, best wishes op

BlondeDogLady · 16/01/2022 17:44

Glad it went well in the end. But fwiw, I think your DH was 100% in the right here. Nobody wants a stranger turning up to a family thing like this. You would feel like you were grieving in front of an audience. Entirely inappropriate!!

caringcarer · 16/01/2022 17:46

Only other thing you could do is split ashes into 2 parts and your family release your half and sil's family release other half with the random.

caringcarer · 16/01/2022 18:00

OP I had a disagreement with my dear sisters ahead of my dear Mum's funeral. All of their DC, some adult and some much younger, wanted to attend the church service then go on to the wake. 2 of my adult DC wanted to attend the cemetery for burial too. I don't know why but my sisters just wanted us children and our spouses to attend and no dgc. I asked why but none of them could give any explanation. I insisted my 2 adult DC should be allowed to attend if they wanted to. 1 of my adult DC did not want to attend. It did cause some bad feeling. They also got angry with me because I stood at graveside next to my 2 dear sons and DH. They stood together and one sil did not go either.

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