Page 9 | Are WE being unreasonable?

Vindicated2021 · 2022-01-16T09:34:12+00:00

Scattering FILs ashes today. There will be MIL, me, DH and 2 DDs. SIL, BIL, DD21, DS17, DD13. Just getting ready to leave and SIL texts to say "Oh just to let you know DD21 is bringing along a friend for support" I feel its inappropriate but my DH has hit the roof. No one knows this girl apart from DD21. SIL and BIL have only met her a handful of times. DH (and I) believe it should be a private family affair without some random girl there who never knew FIL. He said it would feel "awkward". He messaged back saying very politely that he wouldn't feel comfortable and that the whole family would be there to offer cuddles and tissues. SIL has text back saying "How dare he dictate to her how her family should grieve and that whether he likes it or not she's coming and he needs to get over it as it's not all about him" (she is known to make and like a drama). We are now heading to what should be a lovely family time of memories and reflection, and DH is raging and I know there is going to be a horrible atmosphere. Are we being unreasonable here?

TurquoiseDragon · 16/01/2022 14:04

@PinkWaferBiscuit

If the niece wants the company of a friend whilst scattering her GPs ashes it seems fine to me. I'm at a loss to understand why it should be an exclusive event.

Have you ever been to the scattering of someone's ashes it's not a free for all it is absolutely an exclusive event which should be soley for close family unless the family have expressed otherwise.

Absolutely.

When my mum died, of course my DC were at the funeral, along with many other people, some I didn't know.

When it came to scattering her ashes, my Dad requested just me and DBro to attend with him. As much as I had lost my beloved mum, I was heartbroken for my Dad.

It was intensely private, and a stranger would have totally ruined that last moment for my Dad, as he said his last goodbyes to his wife of 52 years.

It didn't last long, about 15 minutes tops. If the DD can't cope without her friend for that long, she should stay away.

And when SIL went on about OP's DH not dictating how her family grieved, she was being a hypocrite, doing exactly that to MIL, DH and OP.

I also suspect the vote is skewed here. Too many people thinking this is the funeral, not the scattering of the ashes, as they only skimmed the OP. I bet they'd change their vote if they actually realised it was about scattering the ashes.

olivehater · 16/01/2022 14:09

I think it was nasty of you sil to send such a horrible response back knowing that it would make everyone uncomfortable. Why even bother sending the initial text.

EmmasMum12 · 16/01/2022 14:12

Generally funerals and weddings are public events, held in public buildings/areas

Generally Internments are private family events and whoever is organising the Internment (or in this case scattering) sends the invitations / choose who is to be there

EmmasMum12 · 16/01/2022 14:13

*interment not internment

EmmaGrundyForPM · 16/01/2022 14:13

this happened with my Dad. His ashes were interred and my Mum asked the minister who had conducted the funeral service, and who'd been a friend of my Dad's, to come along and read a particular psalm and say a prayer. She made it clear it was just going to be her, me and my sister there.

He turned up with his wife. My mum knew her but they weren't friends as such. After he had said the psalm and prayer, Mum, sister and I all said a few words but it felt really odd saying them in front of a stranger. The ministers wife then announced she was going to read a poem, and read out some Godawful verses that my.dad would have hated.

My Mum was too polite to say anything, it was horrible though.

Given that it is too late to do anything I think you'll just have to get through it as best you can.

WinnersDinner · 16/01/2022 14:15

@WeAllHaveWings

Glad it all appeared to work out on the day, emotions would have been running high, but hitting the roof was unreasonable. Your niece wanting to bring a friend wasn't unreasonable.

It changed the idea your dh's had fixed in his head of what he wanted for the day, but he wasn't the only one grieving and he could have compromised.

Why should he have to compromise?

The niece was extremely unreasonable.

ddl1 · 16/01/2022 14:19

If they had changed it to a big group without your agreement, it would be reasonable for you and your dh to be angry. However, I think one extra person should be accepted, if that's what's needed for your dn to cope.

Your SIL's response was OTT and rude, but I think that it is a bit U for your dh to expect that everyone else should obey him on the matter.

Ultimately, as others have said, it should be up to your MIL.

ESGdance · 16/01/2022 14:20

@WeAllHaveWings

Glad it all appeared to work out on the day, emotions would have been running high, but hitting the roof was unreasonable. Your niece wanting to bring a friend wasn't unreasonable.

It changed the idea your dh's had fixed in his head of what he wanted for the day, but he wasn't the only one grieving and he could have compromised.

All the DH did was politely and gently state his preference when plans were changed - he did it with focused compassion to the DN (even though he was personally angry) - it was the SIL who kicked off in a rage.

SIL is allowed her opinion. DH is allowed his opinion. He expressed his in a calm dignified way - she let rip.

He is allowed to FEEL angry then process that feeling into an assertive and sensitive behaviour via his communication.

The SIL also felt angry when he communicated his preference but she doesn’t have the emotional skill set to translate her feelings of anger into a constructive calm dignified dialogue.

It’s basically emotional regulation and the difference between being an evolved mature adult looking to collaborate and negotiate a compromise or a dysfunctional volatile person who dominates others and controls situations with their anger.

WeAllHaveWings · 16/01/2022 14:25

Why should he have to compromise?

Because he wasn't the only one grieving.

WinnersDinner · 16/01/2022 14:27

@WeAllHaveWings

Why should he have to compromise?

Because he wasn't the only one grieving.

His feelings trump the niece

Losing a parent is far worse than a GP

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 16/01/2022 14:34

@WeAllHaveWings

Why should he have to compromise?

Because he wasn't the only one grieving.

I think we can be reasonably sure that he was grieving a lot more than the random friend who hadn't known the deceased would have been if she had turned up.

WeAllHaveWings · 16/01/2022 14:46

His feelings trump the niece
Losing a parent is far worse than a GP

Grief isn't a competition, I know full well what losing a parent is like as I have lost both of mine, one during covid lockdown in horrendous circumstances I would not wish on anyone.

I could grieve that loss with a maturity my niece doesn't have, I can feel compassion and be concerned about my for niece grieving a very much loved grandmother too, and I would not have hit the roof when she wanted something simple that would help her such as support from a friend. The OP has asked for opinions and I have shared mine, people have different opinions, I don't see why you think I have to justify that opinion to you.

TatianaBis · 16/01/2022 14:50

@EmmaGrundyForPM

this happened with my Dad. His ashes were interred and my Mum asked the minister who had conducted the funeral service, and who'd been a friend of my Dad's, to come along and read a particular psalm and say a prayer. She made it clear it was just going to be her, me and my sister there.

He turned up with his wife. My mum knew her but they weren't friends as such. After he had said the psalm and prayer, Mum, sister and I all said a few words but it felt really odd saying them in front of a stranger. The ministers wife then announced she was going to read a poem, and read out some Godawful verses that my.dad would have hated.

My Mum was too polite to say anything, it was horrible though.

Given that it is too late to do anything I think you'll just have to get through it as best you can.

How bizarre, I would have stopped her mid poem and said my dad had good taste in literature and this was crap.

Darbs76 · 16/01/2022 14:51

I wouldn’t allow my children to bring friends along to something like that no. So no you’re not BU

WinnersDinner · 16/01/2022 14:52

@WeAllHaveWings

His feelings trump the niece Losing a parent is far worse than a GP

Grief isn't a competition, I know full well what losing a parent is like as I have lost both of mine, one during covid lockdown in horrendous circumstances I would not wish on anyone.

I could grieve that loss with a maturity my niece doesn't have, I can feel compassion and be concerned about my for niece grieving a very much loved grandmother too, and I would not have hit the roof when she wanted something simple that would help her such as support from a friend. The OP has asked for opinions and I have shared mine, people have different opinions, I don't see why you think I have to justify that opinion to you.

When your nieces request will impact someone else's grief they have a say

DN doesn't get to ruin it for others, she is one person, her decision impacted multiple other people.

It would have been better for her not to attend than attend with someone who would ruin others experience.

I'm glad they didn't have the gaul to bring them in the end and the OP and the family could grieve in private

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/01/2022 14:53

Grief isn’t a competition
No it isn’t. Yet an adult should be able to understand their wants don’t trump the needs of other family members. I lost a parent whilst I was a child and a 21 yo scattering the ashes of the GP can well do without support of a random for the sake of everyone else.

twominutesmore · 16/01/2022 14:59

I'm glad it all went well op.

FWIW, since it's all sorted, I find it odd that DN needs support from a friend when she is surrounded by family, I find it odd that the friend wants to attend such a private family moment, and I think your SIL should have asked you if the friend could attend, not told you it was happening and then become angry when your DH objected.

It sounds as if common sense prevailed in the end.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 16/01/2022 15:04

Had the deceased's wife actually been told her niece planned to bring a stranger with her? I can't find that in the OP's posts.

If SiL was sending a text just as OP was setting off, perhaps after she got the "please don't, it will upset me" reply she thought "oops, maybe I'd better tell Ma too", and the person who has the most say of all on an occasion such as this simply told her not to?

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 16/01/2022 15:24

Glad it all worked out for you OP and FIL is in a beautiful place.

pictish · 16/01/2022 15:32

Good God I would HATE for a random teenager to be brought along to a personal, private moment like that. I’m so glad they came without the pal. Sod having her as an audience, whoever the fuck she is.
Absolutely inappropriate.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 16/01/2022 15:50

I'm glad it went ok.

Did DN actually attend the funeral and cope without her friend there? If so, I don't understand the need for a friend today. It seems odd to me.

Roselilly36 · 16/01/2022 15:53

@Mischance

I do not see a problem at all. Why cause a family row over nothing at all.

This ^

ivykaty44 · 16/01/2022 15:55

It’s not all about the granddaughter and how she needs a random friend to grieve, which upsets the next generation

Not on

Original poster

Vindicated2021 · 16/01/2022 15:55

@StarbucksSmarterSister

No, the friend didn't.

OP posts:

Mydogmylife · 16/01/2022 15:57

@ConsiderablyRicherThanYow

A 21 year old woman can, of course, bring a single friend for support to a funeral. It is very unreasonable for another attendee to suggest otherwise and to rage about it.

It's not the funeral though , it's the scattering of the ashes which most people feel is a much more private affair