Are WE being unreasonable?

[Vindicated2021]

Scattering FILs ashes today.

There will be MIL, me, DH and 2 DDs.
SIL, BIL, DD21, DS17, DD13.

Just getting ready to leave and SIL texts to say "Oh just to let you know DD21 is bringing along a friend for support"

I feel its inappropriate but my DH has hit the roof. No one knows this girl apart from DD21. SIL and BIL have only met her a handful of times.

DH (and I) believe it should be a private family affair without some random girl there who never knew FIL. He said it would feel "awkward". He messaged back saying very politely that he wouldn't feel comfortable and that the whole family would be there to offer cuddles and tissues.

SIL has text back saying "How dare he dictate to her how her family should grieve and that whether he likes it or not she's coming and he needs to get over it as it's not all about him" (she is known to make and like a drama).

We are now heading to what should be a lovely family time of memories and reflection, and DH is raging and I know there is going to be a horrible atmosphere.

Are we being unreasonable here?

So you’ve received the text as you’re leaving, DH now raging but you’ve stopped to post the question? More to this I suspect

@WTF475878237NC

I would hate strangers there for such a private event where the family should be able to cry together in private. YANBU.

So would I. I don't understand people saying that it's perfectly reasonable and that DH should suck it up, at his own mother's ceremony. Of course it's going to be awkward being so emotional in front of a stranger.

For your own sake, just let it go. In the end, it really doesn’t matter who attends a funeral. Focus on yourself and those who matter to you.

@Forgoatssake there's you over-identifying like a champ and telling OP that neither her MIL or SIL wanted her there, yet it transpired the MIL actually didn't want the DGC there...

1 is the friend actually more than a friend?
2 Everyone grieves differently, so you can be annnoyed but equally they could need that support.

People deal with things in their own way you can’t control people.

It's not appropriate as a last minute request. It smacks of "he didn't want to come, and his friend was over". SiL was a drama queen with the "how dare yous".

I am in two minds on this one. At my DMs funeral, my unrelated nephew (basically the son of a close friend who has called me aunty since birth and knew my DM very very well, would go round and see her when she was unwell etc) well he came to the funeral which was lovely but he also brought along his GF, I didnt mind at all but my DD was upset, she said it was wrong for someone who had never met DM to go along. The thing is this GF was the sweetest girl and she cried away at the speeches (including my DDs) and was very very supportive so although she didnt know my DM she did care very much for my nephew and was lovely to everyone at the funeral. It sort of went from wondering why she was there, to being glad she had come along

My other situation is my BF DM died last year and her DF popped an invite to the funeral through my door, basically saying as one of our oldest friends and neighbours we would be delighted if you could attend her funeral and please feel free to bring your family or a friend if you need one to help you through it. It was a lovely handwritten invite and to be honest when I think about it, the funeral is about the person thats died, of course and remembering them but its also about grieving and doing what can be done to help the living cope. If that means someone attends a funeral and shares hearing about the deceased persons life and experiences, then they will later be able to relate and help the person come to terms with their loss. Sorry rambling here, just 2 different takes on it.

If it was my funeral I would want my loved ones to have with them anyone who made them feel safe and looked after too so from that perspective i would say its OK to let someone go that doesn't know them. The vicar at my friends DM funeral was in tears and very moved by it all (and said although he didn't know her, he felt like he did)

YADNBU having been to scattering of ashes it’s a very private low key personal event, it’s not like a funeral in which it is pretty much open to anyone. I do think it should just be close family and friends that are familiar to the rest of the family attending. I think in this situation, I would ask DM if she was happy with it and let her make the final decision

@Twilight7777

YADNBU having been to scattering of ashes it’s a very private low key personal event, it’s not like a funeral in which it is pretty much open to anyone. I do think it should just be close family and friends that are familiar to the rest of the family attending. I think in this situation, I would ask DM if she was happy with it and let her make the final decision

actually I agree with this, my earlier post was about funerals, but you are correct, scattering ashes is a more private affair and not really appropriate.

It's over and one with now of course, but I think SIL/BIL should have told their DD21 to ASK her grandmother.

I don't really think anyone else's views matter much.

@Jenasaurus

I am in two minds on this one. At my DMs funeral, my unrelated nephew (basically the son of a close friend who has called me aunty since birth and knew my DM very very well, would go round and see her when she was unwell etc) well he came to the funeral which was lovely but he also brought along his GF, I didnt mind at all but my DD was upset, she said it was wrong for someone who had never met DM to go along. The thing is this GF was the sweetest girl and she cried away at the speeches (including my DDs) and was very very supportive so although she didnt know my DM she did care very much for my nephew and was lovely to everyone at the funeral. It sort of went from wondering why she was there, to being glad she had come along

My other situation is my BF DM died last year and her DF popped an invite to the funeral through my door, basically saying as one of our oldest friends and neighbours we would be delighted if you could attend her funeral and please feel free to bring your family or a friend if you need one to help you through it. It was a lovely handwritten invite and to be honest when I think about it, the funeral is about the person thats died, of course and remembering them but its also about grieving and doing what can be done to help the living cope. If that means someone attends a funeral and shares hearing about the deceased persons life and experiences, then they will later be able to relate and help the person come to terms with their loss. Sorry rambling here, just 2 different takes on it.

If it was my funeral I would want my loved ones to have with them anyone who made them feel safe and looked after too so from that perspective i would say its OK to let someone go that doesn't know them. The vicar at my friends DM funeral was in tears and very moved by it all (and said although he didn't know her, he felt like he did)

Oh FFS! It wasn't the funeral, so this has nothing to do with it.

YANBU
I’d HATE this - especially for those getting teary and emotional with some random girl who has no connection to the deceased standing there gawping at a family at their most vulnerable.

Dh's brother rocked up to our wedding with a girl he'd literally just met on Tinder. I was just as fuming! Invited by MIL i might add!

Your SIL sounds like an idiot. I agree with your DH but I suspect you're going to have to just suck it up.

Personally I'd be fuming. DD21 does not need to bring a bloody friend for support - needs to grow up and be there with her actual family.

Hi op, I think these occasions are difficult so I try to be kind to everyone including myself. By kind I mean behave as though we are all bare skinned and tremulous and needy and just be gentle. Everyone does indeed grieve in their own way. Try to support your dh to concentrate on his feelings of loss, not those of anger? Xxxxxx

When I first read this I thought that maybe friend is staying over and they feel bad saying sorry but you can't come. Especially as it is so last minute.
It is odd but there isn't much you can do.

Glad the day went well OP

Reading your development, I have a suspicion that your MIL ‘worked’ your SIL. Good for her, but terrible she had to do it. She may have said something about how maybe it’s best not to bring any young people at all if it’s so traumatising for them that they need friends for moral support. SIL makes appreciative remarks but knows her DM is saying “if friend comes, no DGC come”, so tells her niece is actually fine and no she doesn’t really need to bring a friend as SIL will be there. MIL ‘reluctantly’ agrees to SILs DC coming.

Sounds like MIL didn’t tell you your DC couldn't come.

Your SIL’s text is stirring. She wants you to know that your MIL was ready to exclude her DC which would obviously have meant your DC too. She’s hoping you will raise it with MIL, who will say “I really didn’t want that unknown girl there” so that SIL can say “everyone is against me - my DM, my DB. Everyone! Nobody cares about me and my children, I’m just trying to be a good mum, we’re the real victims here!”.

Shoddy behaviour at a time like this. But, sadly very familiar to me.

I guess this isn't the same as scattering ashes but I brought my partner to my grandfather's funeral, he was supporting me and my dad. My father's brother's family went completely mental when we met them at my granddad's house before the funeral because my partner had never actually met my grandad. It caused a nasty fight between my mother and cousin. There turned out to be loads of people's partners at the funeral who hadn't met my grandad and they didn't say a word to any of them. I think scattering ashes is more personal but I don't think your DN is trying to upset anyone hopefully and what would your FIL have wanted? Probably not his family to get upset or fall out over something like this. It's an emotive time and stressful. Hope everyone gets on ok.

I thin yabu I’m afraid. It’s not for you to say who someone needs for support I’m afraid

I would think MIL should be the one to decide. Grief is not a spectator sport. You are definitely not being unreasonable

At that age friends are so important. Grief is very personal-probably knows what she needs. I would encourage him to not take the focus off the ceremony as it would affect others too. It is a sensitive time for him too so probably needs lots of support. Sorry for your loss x

@ThisMustBeMyDream

YANBU. Having a stranger there observing your grief makes me very uncomfortable. It's a private moment. The friend should be there to support away from the group, after the event. SIL sounds like a dick.

I agree. If it was a funeral, it would be fine of course, but at such a tiny personal thing for just family i would hate it if a total stranger pitched up who had never met my Dad.

Sorry for your loss

DD21 is an adult so this friend is presumably their partner? Either way, why don’t one or both of you actually speak to your D niece and find out the situation and why she would like extra support.

It might seem unreasonable but sometimes the first bereavement a younger person experiences can hit hard.

The text about “lots of cuddles” does sound a bit patronising tbf and aimed more at a 12 year old. But you SIL may well be blowing it out of proportion as you say.

I think you are being overly optimistic to expect an event involving scattering a loved ones ashes to be full of sharing happy memories. All these things tend to be fairly grim with everyone running on adrenaline to get through the ordeal.

Perhaps you as an individual family unit can make a special trip at some point in the year to commemorate in a way that you are more happy with. The actual scattering with wider family does have to be a compromise I’m afraid as long as the deceased’s final wishes are being honoured.

It says something about your SIL if her daughter feels she needs at outsider rather than her mother for support, to me.

Very torn as at that age friends form such a gigantic part of a support network but yes, your mils decision. I can see why people would want it only family