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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband bought a christmas gift for another women

255 replies

Biscuits1 · 16/01/2022 09:27

So I found a Next parcel receipt from December for a leopard print animal dressing gown not in my size and which I never received as a gift. After much questioning and denial about buying it. He admitted it was for his mate's wife as a 'joke' as he says she always wears one around the house. But his mate doesn't know and I'm not to tell him either as he will 'get the wrong end of the stick'.

The back story though is my husband sent drunken messages to his best friends wife (he went to school with both of them so wasn't unusual to message her) suggesting they hook up. I found the messages and obviously shit hit the fan. I forgave him but him and his friend fell out. Years have since past and he has been in touch with them again and everything was water under the bridge (or so I thought) and I have seen them a couple of times in the past few months but hubby has seen them a lot more.

To make matters worse, he ordered the dressing gown whilst upstairs isolating as he had covid and our baby was 10 weeks old at the time so we really didn't want her to catch it. I was sleeping on the sofa downstairs with the baby in the moses basket.

AIBU to feel hurt as hubby doesn't even buy his family gifts as that's my job. I also do not know if there is more to it as all I can think is that he was sat upstairs probably messaging her when he bought the dressing gown. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
Messilia · 16/01/2022 12:49

@WonderfulYou, no, I’m being practical. Most of the people on here telling her to LTB have likely never had to cope as a single parent on one wage. Sounds like good advice from the comfort of their homes.

I’ve raised 4 children on my own. She needs to get some money and childcare together and then fuck him off.

Juniper68 · 16/01/2022 12:51

Could she have been sent it anonymously? In a creepy way to get her dh jealous and cause a problem?

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 16/01/2022 12:51

Id say, 'ok if it isnt an issue then ill tell OWs husband'. Then do it.

WonderfulYou · 16/01/2022 12:56

no, I’m being practical. Most of the people on here telling her to LTB have likely never had to cope as a single parent on one wage. Sounds like good advice from the comfort of their homes.

I’m a single parent myself.
I would rather struggle on my own and be a good role model to my children than stay with someone for 4 years knowing they’re in love with someone else and will leave me the second they get the chance to.

whymewhyme · 16/01/2022 12:56

What a knob! Tell the husband!

BoredZelda · 16/01/2022 12:56

If it was innocent his mate would know. Presume she said she bought it herself. Why did HE have to buy it for her. They are both lying about a dressing gown which strongly suggests an affair

Or, she sent it back or gave it away or binned it. We don’t know she is a willing participant in any of this.

lucillelarusso · 16/01/2022 12:56

I'd ask her about it in front of her husband

PixelatedLunchbox · 16/01/2022 12:59

@Biscuits1 there is also the possibility that he is having an affair with someone else, and used past history with this couple as a convenient cover story, and one that you would likely buy. And you have. Sorry you are dealing with this shit, but life is too short and precious to live with a waste of space like him. My advice would be to get rid, on your own terms, and when YOU are ready to do so. It may take weeks or it may take a year, but get your ducks in a row financially, keep your powder dry for now, and make the move when it works for you. Look after yourself now and your precious little one, that's what matters. Flowers

StormTreader · 16/01/2022 13:03

Are you SURE that she's who it went to?
I'd be suspicious that the reason you're not to mention it to her DH is that they would both say "eh? we didn't get any dressing gown".

BoredZelda · 16/01/2022 13:04

Tell the husband!

Sure, blow up this other couple’s relationship perhaps for no good reason.

Let’s say you’re the woman in this scenario. Your husbands friend was sniffing about and you set him straight but it caused you quite a lot of stress and it caused a major upset in your husband’s friendship. Now the guy has sent you an unwanted gift. What do you do? Make a fuss that causes another fall out? Or say you’ve no idea where it was from or that you bought it yourself to prevent more stress?

If this woman is willingly participating then maybe tell the mate, but be careful otherwise.

The argument that if it were innocent he should have told the husband is spot on but doing so retrospectively could cause the recipient some real stress and serves no purpose.

melissasummerfield · 16/01/2022 13:06

[quote tolerable]@melissasummerfield.!!!!whit!! "never have allowed"-is that for real?
husband and presume shes swanning about in it...her fella oblivious too.
kick him out.
you dont HAVE to listened to lies,backdated excuses "making a thing about it"bollocks.He did that-sneakin.who\what other females is he purchasing coverups for..
if- and --the clues are there love. Hes blew it.ITs entirely down to HIM.
shoe no mercy.hes only sheepish cos got caught.
sometimes i pretend am level headed n quite sweet...probably....id want to nip round,throw ma keys in the fruitbowl and ask what "they"gotchu.
sorry doll.[/quote]
I have no idea what ‘whit!!!’ means, working on the basis you meant ‘what??’ , then yes i absolutely meant allowed.

Heres how it would have gone for me

DH - hey wife, remember than woman I was trying to fuck a few years ago that you so graciously chose to forgive me for? I Think it would be a really good idea to get back in touch.

Me - yeah sure, after you have arranged a meet up, get your bags packed and fuck off. Oh and your gonna need a divorce lawyer too

peachesarenom · 16/01/2022 13:06

Mate, I'm so sorry! He sounds a bit obsessed with this woman. Long term you're better off without him. I agree take your time though, everything in your own time.

I hope you find the love you deserve soon.

P.S I may be the petty kind but I'd defo tell her husband, I think your husband deserves to deal with the fall out. I guess we have no idea of her level of involvement, I'm guessing minimal because the original texts got out, I guess she told her husband herself.

Lalliella · 16/01/2022 13:07

Tell her husband

Esspee · 16/01/2022 13:07

LTB

Itsalmostanaccessory · 16/01/2022 13:08

You're a placeholder. He has been after this woman for years. He got caught trying it years ago and has now gone back for another shot and it sounds like she isnt putting him off.

You're just a placeholder for him.

StrandedStarfish · 16/01/2022 13:09

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP.

I imagine that the woman already knows you have found the receipt and they are getting their stories straight. I would bet the dressing gown itself is currently being disposed of, and text messages are being deleted.

There is a question I think you should ask yourself which might help you decide how to proceed. If your husband’s friend’s wife had bought a dressing gown for your husband as a jokey gift, would you want to know? I’m sure I would.

GettingStuffed · 16/01/2022 13:20

From experience when someone says the wrong end of the stick they mean totally the one you have but it's the wrong end from their point of view.

Munchyseeds · 16/01/2022 13:21

If it's all so innocent and just a joke no reason not to tell the husband is there??

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 16/01/2022 13:27

@Munchyseeds

If it's all so innocent and just a joke no reason not to tell the husband is there??
Exactly my thought
CambsAlways · 16/01/2022 13:33

It makes me feel sick to the stomach for you op, you have a young baby and your husbands doing this behind your back, he already tried once before years ago to hook up with this woman, then trying again this time buying her a tacky leopard print dressing gown, he’s showing you no respect at all, and seems to be obsessed with this woman! I take it she has accepted it and hasn’t given it back to him! So to me she’s as bad as him, I would be telling her husband, and my husband would have his bags put outside the front door pronto, no explanation see ya ! He’s lying to you that would be enough for me, I wouldn’t forgive that

Lollipopopop · 16/01/2022 13:38

Was it a dressing gown for her or her pet? (You called it a leopard print animal dressing gown). If it was for a pet I could understand it being a jokey present but not if it was for her as there’s nothing jokey about that. I don’t understand why it would be a secret though.

Also, it sounds like he never buys presents normally, so this is definitely suspicious. Why would he make the effort to order something like this if he expects you to buy his other presents?

What did he buy you for Christmas op @Biscuits1?

It would definitely ring alarm bells for me I’m sorry to say. I think I would probably bring it out in the open and casually mention it to the other couple. I would not have agreed to keep it quiet.

lazarusb · 16/01/2022 13:40

I would be asking to see his text messages/emails etc. Then calls to both the woman and her husband in very close succession so she can’t muddy the waters (assuming she is complicit).

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 16/01/2022 13:40

But his mate doesn't know and I'm not to tell him either as he will 'get the wrong end of the stick'.

Tell the mate.

BlondeDogLady · 16/01/2022 13:43

He sounds like my first H. Always minimising and making me doubt myself. But the plain fact was, that he was propositioning other women for our entire relationship. I had to face it when a mutual friend spelled it out to me just what he had been doing behind my back. Even then, he carried on, knowing I knew and knowing that it could make me leave. It was usually when he had had too many beers, which was often. I left after 20 years and have never looked back. He got into another LTR after me and cheated on her. He is now living with another (lovely) woman, and I'm 99% sure is cheating on her.

Anyway, I would tell the husband what's going on. And honestly, if you can afford to, I would think of chucking him out.

Lollipopopop · 16/01/2022 13:44

I’ve just realised it says “not in my size”, so it must be a women’s dressing gown.

No excuses for this as far as I can see.

Either it should be open and up front or it is suspicious.

I’m interested in what he bought you, if anything as a comparison.

I would definitely bring it out in the open.

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