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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband bought a christmas gift for another women

255 replies

Biscuits1 · 16/01/2022 09:27

So I found a Next parcel receipt from December for a leopard print animal dressing gown not in my size and which I never received as a gift. After much questioning and denial about buying it. He admitted it was for his mate's wife as a 'joke' as he says she always wears one around the house. But his mate doesn't know and I'm not to tell him either as he will 'get the wrong end of the stick'.

The back story though is my husband sent drunken messages to his best friends wife (he went to school with both of them so wasn't unusual to message her) suggesting they hook up. I found the messages and obviously shit hit the fan. I forgave him but him and his friend fell out. Years have since past and he has been in touch with them again and everything was water under the bridge (or so I thought) and I have seen them a couple of times in the past few months but hubby has seen them a lot more.

To make matters worse, he ordered the dressing gown whilst upstairs isolating as he had covid and our baby was 10 weeks old at the time so we really didn't want her to catch it. I was sleeping on the sofa downstairs with the baby in the moses basket.

AIBU to feel hurt as hubby doesn't even buy his family gifts as that's my job. I also do not know if there is more to it as all I can think is that he was sat upstairs probably messaging her when he bought the dressing gown. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
Santahasjoinedww · 17/01/2022 10:57

Absolutely cal him out to his mate and the dw.. Ask about the gown..

SarahBop · 17/01/2022 12:26

Urgh. Right, so from your update....maybe the wife is innocent in all this too and is trying to bat your Hubby away. Telling him he's drunk and he'll regret it etc.

Sounds to me like he's a fucking lousy friend though, as he clearly fancies this woman and is being a crappy friend to the husband; by trying to entice his wife.

I vote you just cause some carnage. What have you go to lose?
Message the husband and ask if he's aware your husband bought his wife a dressing gown, and you just wanted to check as you found it a bit unsettling that Hubby seemed to want to keep it secret from you.
If it does cause chaos, the husband should thank you for exposing your husband as a sneaky two-faced shit of a friend...so you'll actually be doing him a favour.

Your husband needs to learn some boundaries; this is not healthy to be manipulating someone elses wife.

Toanewstart22 · 17/01/2022 12:30

@SarahBop

* I vote you just cause some carnage. What have you go to lose? *

Because when children are involved, unfortunately carnage often ultimately causes problems for them

Justilou1 · 17/01/2022 14:37

I have come back to say that you deserve better than someone who insults your intelligence by minimizing such a sleazy move and blame-shifting to cover his own shittiness is so very low… How dare he try and imply that you’re “hysterical” for reacting negatively to his awful behaviour!

preperri · 17/01/2022 14:43

If they've known eachother since school and are still friends now, then they must be close
it's far fetched to say that he is trying to have an affair or is based on a gifted leopard dressing gown
I'd understand if it was a more intimate gift

Hemingwayzcatz · 17/01/2022 14:47

He obviously has a crush on her hence the messages in the past and he’s still trying to chase her even though it caused a major rift between him and his mate and also him and you years ago. It’s a bit pathetic of him really. The wife might like him too if she was up at 3am messaging him, I don’t buy that he deleted the messages because he didn’t want to upset you at all. If it was a harmless message asking for his key why would it be sent at 3am and why would it be deleted? Also, why wouldn’t he ask his friend rather than his wife? He’s full of shit.

I doubt he’s having an active affair but I think he would if the chance arose, sorry OP.

ChargingBuck · 17/01/2022 15:06

@preperri

If they've known eachother since school and are still friends now, then they must be close it's far fetched to say that he is trying to have an affair or is based on a gifted leopard dressing gown I'd understand if it was a more intimate gift
FFS. There's "close" & there's trying to get your leg over your best mate's wife ...

The back story though is my husband sent drunken messages to his best friends wife ... suggesting they hook up.

The dressing gown in a red herring.
They are texting, they are sending/receiving presents, & they are concealing this from their spouses.

girlmom21 · 17/01/2022 15:11

@preperri

If they've known eachother since school and are still friends now, then they must be close it's far fetched to say that he is trying to have an affair or is based on a gifted leopard dressing gown I'd understand if it was a more intimate gift
He previously tried to hook up with her. They fell out for a very long time. Now he's buying gifts and keeping it secret from both of their partners. They're not just friends are they.
Tallyhodavey · 17/01/2022 15:16

I think you already know what is going on here. Either he is cheating, or trying hard to start cheating. If someone else’s husband bought me a present- I wouldn’t accept it- alarm bells would be ringing massively.

Marvellousmadness · 17/01/2022 21:48

He has a crush on her. And has had it for years. But you already knew it. But choose to look the other way. And now you have to lay in the bed you made for yourself.

SpookyScarySkeletons · 17/01/2022 21:50

He's shagging his mates wife. Sorry.

FlasherMcGruff · 17/01/2022 22:00

Lie after lie after lie after lie. Let’s write them all down:

  1. repeatedly lying that he didn’t buy a dressing gown at all
  2. the woman has to lie about where she got the gown
  3. he wants you to lie about knowing where she got the gown too
  4. lying to you about his feelings for the women because he invited her for a hookup when you thought he was faithful

Of course you can’t trust him. He’s a liar. He’s buying secret gifts for a woman he tried to pull behind your back and now wants you to cooperate in not telling her partner because he thinks the partner will find it inappropriate.

Surely you see the pattern? The two of them hide inappropriate behaviour from their partners because it is not innocent.

Tell him to sling his hook. Absolute piss taker to do this a second time.

WTF475878237NC · 18/01/2022 09:13

How are you doing with it all OP?

BootySOS · 18/01/2022 18:03

Why would he buy her a present if they weren't fucking. They obviously are.

ThirdElephant · 18/01/2022 18:49

@BootySOS

Why would he buy her a present if they weren't fucking. They obviously are.
Because he wants to get in her pants?
StopStartStop · 18/01/2022 19:49

A man told me 'We don't buy presents before...'

ThirdElephant · 19/01/2022 21:01

@StopStartStop

A man told me 'We don't buy presents before...'
I dislike the idea that, because one man said something once, it must be true of all men ever.
pinkyredrose · 19/01/2022 21:04

man told me 'We don't buy presents before...'

Before what?

AnotherEmma · 19/01/2022 21:11

Before having sex with a woman for the first time. Thought that was obvious.

pinkyredrose · 19/01/2022 21:18

No not to me. I've had more gifts prior to being fucked tbh.

3Daddy31982 · 19/01/2022 21:19

@Stellaroses

It’s pretty obvious he is either having and affair or wants to, what other explanation could there be?
I'd be worried about this. Sorry OP
MsDogLady · 19/01/2022 22:43

Biscuits, I’ve been wondering how things are going for you.

As I reread the thread, I realized I’d missed that your H’s Friend works away during the week, so when H dropped off the dressing gown, he was 1:1 with this woman.

I’m curious about the recovery structure that was agreed upon when you forgave H’s previous betrayal. Under what parameters did you move forward? It’s mind-boggling that he has been visiting her 1:1, has knowledge of her dressing gown customs and needs, has ordered and gifted one and conspired to keep that secret, and is texting/deleting with her at 3:00 a.m.— all done either during your pregnancy or during your baby’s first weeks of life. She is in his head, even when he is suffering with Covid.

I hope this thread has helped you process your thoughts and feelings, Biscuits.

DrGoogleSaysSo · 20/01/2022 20:09

I would kick him out. No way I would stay with a cheater and a liar.

StopStartStop · 20/01/2022 22:56

@pinkyredrose

man told me 'We don't buy presents before...'

Before what?

That's what I asked. But he meant 'before sex'. I didn't want his gifts, he had too many people to buy for.
Original poster
Biscuits1 · 13/08/2024 00:07

So obviously a very old thread but I came across this by accident as had used my other email address. I just wanted to update for anyone maybe reading old posts. So everyone was right and I’m the biggest fool going. Last year I found out it was a full blown affair. He has been gaslighting me for years. STBEXH was one of the most charming men and so nice to everybody - a real family man! I swallowed all of his lies for years. I’m normally such a strong character but It’s like I’ve woken up from a trance and I’m so shocked I’ve fallen for it all these years. Moral of the story is trust your gut or trust the advice of mumsnet 🙂

OP posts: