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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband bought a christmas gift for another women

255 replies

Biscuits1 · 16/01/2022 09:27

So I found a Next parcel receipt from December for a leopard print animal dressing gown not in my size and which I never received as a gift. After much questioning and denial about buying it. He admitted it was for his mate's wife as a 'joke' as he says she always wears one around the house. But his mate doesn't know and I'm not to tell him either as he will 'get the wrong end of the stick'.

The back story though is my husband sent drunken messages to his best friends wife (he went to school with both of them so wasn't unusual to message her) suggesting they hook up. I found the messages and obviously shit hit the fan. I forgave him but him and his friend fell out. Years have since past and he has been in touch with them again and everything was water under the bridge (or so I thought) and I have seen them a couple of times in the past few months but hubby has seen them a lot more.

To make matters worse, he ordered the dressing gown whilst upstairs isolating as he had covid and our baby was 10 weeks old at the time so we really didn't want her to catch it. I was sleeping on the sofa downstairs with the baby in the moses basket.

AIBU to feel hurt as hubby doesn't even buy his family gifts as that's my job. I also do not know if there is more to it as all I can think is that he was sat upstairs probably messaging her when he bought the dressing gown. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 16/01/2022 09:46

What is your communication like with her and her H? Are you all "friends"? If so I would text her about it and ask if she likes the gift. Her reply will tell you a lot

Messilia · 16/01/2022 09:47

  1. Id message her “selling yourself a bit cheap there luv”

  2. I’m not going to say LTB because you have a tiny baby and it’s impractical. But this man isn’t forever. For now you just live with each other, make use of the second set of hands, squirrel away some money, go back to work asap and DO NOT have another baby with him. When baby gets to school age get the fuck out of there.

TracyMosby · 16/01/2022 09:47

You cannot trust him. Mainly because he cannot be trusted, but that is actually not the point. The point remains you cannot trust him. You can leave your relationship because your husband is trying to have an affair. That's perfectly acceptable. You dont have to wait until be actually does.

Whatever you decide to do at this stage, stop buying presents for his family. That’s his responsibility. Dont act like his staff, or that is how he will treat you. No reminders. No responsibility taken at all. It is his job.

Tooshytoshine · 16/01/2022 09:48

Ugh.

You must feel heartsick. This is something you can choose to put down to banter, but you know given the history that it isn't. At best it is inappropriate and at worst it's a man besotted with another woman.

You can lie to yourself and play happy families, and hope this will pass again, or you can boot him out of the door.

I would hope I would do the latter.

TracyMosby · 16/01/2022 09:48

1) Id message her “selling yourself a bit cheap there luv”
Wtf?! What did she do wrong?!

2Rebecca · 16/01/2022 09:49

If it was innocent his mate would know. Presume she said she bought it herself. Why did HE have to buy it for her. They are both lying about a dressing gown which strongly suggests an affair

Restart10 · 16/01/2022 09:49

He's treating you as a fool, so don't fall for it. He's proven that he can't be trusted so I'm not sure what else anyone can tell you. People who are in a committed, loving relationship do not do this. He is always passing these things off as a joke, is he a clown?

edenhills · 16/01/2022 09:49

Can I ask what he got you for Christmas?

girlmom21 · 16/01/2022 09:50

OP the other thing is that at some point he's seen her, gifted this dressing gown and discussed not telling her husband or you. That's not something he can do in a minute or two while her husband pops to the toilet. Dressing gowns aren't small and easily hidden.

Glitterazzi · 16/01/2022 09:51

@Biscuits1

Thanks for your advice. Yes its the same woman. I have said that I can't trust him but he's just telling me it's innocent and then I feel like I'm being dramatic because he hasn't actually had an affair (or one that I know of).
You aren't being dramatic. There is history there. Trust your gut.
girlmom21 · 16/01/2022 09:51

@TracyMosby

1) Id message her “selling yourself a bit cheap there luv” Wtf?! What did she do wrong?!
At the very least encouraged his behaviour and agreed to lie to her husband and the OP.
Mamamamasaurus · 16/01/2022 09:51

@PiffleWiffleWoozle

He is either having an affair or trying to.
This. In buckets. He's a prick.
SuspiciousScully · 16/01/2022 09:53

So, he bought this present knowing it was risking his marriage and his friendship.

Either he did such a huge risky thing for a silly joke...or because he is having or trying to have an affair with the woman.

OP, it's obviously the second one isn't it?? Of course he wouldn't do such a stupid, hurtful, risky thing for a bit of banter. That would be utterly absurd!!

He did it because he fancies or possibly loves his mate's wife and has good reason to think she feels the same.

If you stay with this man he will make your life miserable.

sprite25 · 16/01/2022 09:54

As others have said I know it's hard when you have a little baby but he's showing no respect to you or the husband of the woman he's trying to sleep with. Whether she's an active participant in his attention to her or not, he obviously has deep rooted want for her as he's still persuing her after all these years. I'm guessing he's gaslighting you into thinking your being ott and that it's just a joke cos he knows it's wrong but wants to have his Cake and eat it. He's a worm and you and your baby deserve better

TracyMosby · 16/01/2022 09:54

At the very least encouraged his behaviour and agreed to lie to her husband and the OP.
The op didnt say any of that. She said he ordered it online while he was isolating. He could have easily had it delivered directly to her. He could be relying on her feeling so uncomfortable she doesn't want to upset her dh's relationship with him.

Theres been nothing said by op YET that her dh's interest in this woman has ever been reciprocated.

Flickflak · 16/01/2022 09:54

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

SarahBop · 16/01/2022 09:55

Yeah he's a creep. Even if he's just "being friendly"...did he buy her Husband a pressie? And why a dressing gown...it's like he's trying to give her something that reminds her of him, daily [the fact she wears one around the house]

He definitely is acting inappropriately. I'd be inclined to message her and say you found out about the dressing gown, you're embarrassed for your H and hope her husband doesn't mind. See how she reacts

BliainNua · 16/01/2022 09:55

Sounds very suspicious, sorry OP.
Do you have the kind of relationship with her where you could call her up and have a chat?

Blankscreen · 16/01/2022 09:55

If it was all above board he would have told you and it would have been a joke present from you both and her dh would know. But it was a secret present from him to her and that is the issue.

Of course he will deny it you will think you are going mad

You know what you know and you aren't comfortable otherwise you wouldn't be posting on MN for validation of how you are rightfully feeling.

The woman might not be interested in your partner and for all you know it might be awkward for her .

I think I would have to message her and say something like, Hi X how's the dressing gown? Don't tell your partner

You'll then be able to gauge what is going on by how your partner reacts. If he finds out about your message you now they are in contact and
the present was meant to be a secret

You'll know from the responses and reactions

knittingaddict · 16/01/2022 09:55

I have to say that he's "explanation" is almost more insulting than the affair he is having/wants to have. I would be furious that he thought I was fool enough to buy that pile of steaming nonsense.

KatherineJaneway · 16/01/2022 09:56

@PiffleWiffleWoozle

He is either having an affair or trying to.
I agree Sad
Cakecakecheese · 16/01/2022 09:58

Of course you're not being dramatic, it's a woman he has history with and his first reaction when you brought it up was to lie about it, not exactly trustworthy is he?

Justtobeclear · 16/01/2022 09:58

You were generous to forgive the first time round but he has broken your trust again to suit himself. IME (personal unfortunately) the more you forgive/accept the lies the more they do. The fact that it’s a secret from her DH as well suggests she is very invested and there is more to this than you are likely to be told. Listen to your gut/instinct. Take time and really think about what YOU want. You are vulnerable with a newborn but if LTB is what you want you will be able to do it with careful planning and advice from the right places.

NYnewstart · 16/01/2022 09:59

He’s crossed a boundary. I’d be telling both the woman and her husband and getting rid of him to boot.

If he’s not having an affair, then he would if he could.

GoodnightGrandma · 16/01/2022 10:01

You need to kick his arse out the house. He is a liar.
He will always be a liar, and he will string you along for as long as you let him.

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