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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband bought a christmas gift for another women

255 replies

Biscuits1 · 16/01/2022 09:27

So I found a Next parcel receipt from December for a leopard print animal dressing gown not in my size and which I never received as a gift. After much questioning and denial about buying it. He admitted it was for his mate's wife as a 'joke' as he says she always wears one around the house. But his mate doesn't know and I'm not to tell him either as he will 'get the wrong end of the stick'.

The back story though is my husband sent drunken messages to his best friends wife (he went to school with both of them so wasn't unusual to message her) suggesting they hook up. I found the messages and obviously shit hit the fan. I forgave him but him and his friend fell out. Years have since past and he has been in touch with them again and everything was water under the bridge (or so I thought) and I have seen them a couple of times in the past few months but hubby has seen them a lot more.

To make matters worse, he ordered the dressing gown whilst upstairs isolating as he had covid and our baby was 10 weeks old at the time so we really didn't want her to catch it. I was sleeping on the sofa downstairs with the baby in the moses basket.

AIBU to feel hurt as hubby doesn't even buy his family gifts as that's my job. I also do not know if there is more to it as all I can think is that he was sat upstairs probably messaging her when he bought the dressing gown. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 16/01/2022 11:35

I expected to come.on this thread to say that men are allowed to have close friendships with either gender. But if this case it is clearly wildly inappropriate.

wildseas · 16/01/2022 11:35

If you want to be sure wait until he's in the shower or something, take his phone.
Then text her from yours asking if she liked her xmas present.
You'll be able to see what she messages him in response flash up on his phone screen.

Riverlee · 16/01/2022 11:38

And what’s the ‘right end of the stick’ for this situation?

I can’t see in any circumstances that a Leopoldo print dressing gown given to another woman behind the husbands back is acceptable. Definitely a flirtatious move.

Riverlee · 16/01/2022 11:39

@Howareyouflower

I have women friends and relatives. I don't know what they wear around the house all the time. How does he know what she wears around the house? If he's saying it's all innocent, there's no reason for you not to arrange to meet her husband for a coffee to discuss it, is there?
That’s a good point. When has he seen her walking around in said dressing gown?
BreatheAndFocus · 16/01/2022 11:40

You have a young baby and he’s busy thinking about a woman he had/has the hots for. He’s pathetic. And not just idly daydreaming about her either. He’s so immature and self-centred that he’s buying her presents and looking for attention from her because he’s a man and he just can’t cope without all the focus on him. Utterly pathetic.

I second having a nose at his phone. You don’t need evidence to LTB but, speaking from personal experience, it does help get your mind straight. Say nothing to your husband or anyone else yet. Research and keep your cards close to your chest.

If this is all as it appears, you and your baby are much better off without him. XX

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 16/01/2022 11:40

If you do decide to leave him (that obviously has to be your decision), but don't want to until you have as much sorted before hand as possible, and/or until your baby is a bit older - if he is helpful with him or her - then please tell him that he has to stop meeting them, or you will be telling his (poor) friend all about the dressing gown.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 16/01/2022 11:41

I'm so sorry OP.

He rings his friend now and tells him or your marriage is over.

If it's an innocent joke, there's no problem in telling the friend.

If not pack his shit in bin bags and throw it onto the drive.

Dillydollydingdong · 16/01/2022 11:44

I'd ask the husband if he knows anything about the gift. Surely if she wore it around the house, questions would be asked?

MorkandMandy · 16/01/2022 11:45

Him saying “Don’t tell her DH” suggests that they’ve had this same conversation between them.

Juniper68 · 16/01/2022 11:53

I'm so sorry this has happened. You could never trust him. I'd be telling the other dh.

BoodleBug51 · 16/01/2022 11:58

There's nothing remotely sexy about a fleece leopard print dressing gown...... it's very tacky if anything, so that's not something I'd be remotely worried about.

But hiding it from you and his mate? That would imply that there is something deeper than buying a jokey gift. He's a shit for behaving like this........ you need to decide what's acceptable in your marriage and what isn't. And I'd say having contact with this mate and mate's wife is a deal breaker when he can't be trusted to behave around her.

EKGEMS · 16/01/2022 12:02

That would be the last Christmas I'd waste with that son of a bitch that's for damn sure!

Juniper68 · 16/01/2022 12:04

@BoodleBug51

There's nothing remotely sexy about a fleece leopard print dressing gown...... it's very tacky if anything, so that's not something I'd be remotely worried about.

But hiding it from you and his mate? That would imply that there is something deeper than buying a jokey gift. He's a shit for behaving like this........ you need to decide what's acceptable in your marriage and what isn't. And I'd say having contact with this mate and mate's wife is a deal breaker when he can't be trusted to behave around her.

Where does it say fleece? Might be silky?
Spudina · 16/01/2022 12:05

Could you meet her face to face and ask her straight if she is having an affair with your DH. Don’t pre warn her that’s what the conversation is about.
Or tell the husband. Either way, don’t do nothing.

PurpleMauve · 16/01/2022 12:12
  1. Ask the Wife about the dressing gown
  2. Tell the Wife’s Husband
  3. Kick him out
Houseofvelour · 16/01/2022 12:17

@PurpleMauve

1) Ask the Wife about the dressing gown 2) Tell the Wife’s Husband 3) Kick him out
This.
MummyGummy · 16/01/2022 12:23

YABU having a baby with someone that had already tried to cheat on you. Don’t waste anymore time with him.

SunshineCake1 · 16/01/2022 12:24

Think about it. Why does she need another one if she has one?

You can't tell him what to do or dictate his life but you can make your own decisions.

He's acting in a way that is unacceptable and you need to decide what you will do about it.

I'd give him one chance to tell the truth and when he doesn't I would ask him to leave, for space, then file for divorce and tell her husband exactly how your husband has been behaving towards his ex friends wife.

WallaceinAnderland · 16/01/2022 12:27

his mate doesn't know and I'm not to tell him either

This tells you that he is giving this gift secretly.

Sorry OP.

DrSbaitso · 16/01/2022 12:33

Perfect example of why it's pointless to blame the OW. There's no value to fidelity if the only reason for it is lack of a willing participant. He'd cheat if he could and he's trying to.

A leopard print dressing gown is a relatively intimate gift. As for his friend getting the wrong end of the stick, how was it supposed to be explained when the husband saw her wearing it?

I think I'd find the insult to my intelligence hardest to take.

SunshineCake1 · 16/01/2022 12:35

@Messilia

1) Id message her “selling yourself a bit cheap there luv”
  1. I’m not going to say LTB because you have a tiny baby and it’s impractical. But this man isn’t forever. For now you just live with each other, make use of the second set of hands, squirrel away some money, go back to work asap and DO NOT have another baby with him. When baby gets to school age get the fuck out of there.
Why sacrifice another four years with him ? Hmm.
crochetmonkey74 · 16/01/2022 12:36

Honestly OP I think he is lying . I would contact the woman's husband. What you really need is more people to know or to help as these men rely on confusing you and keeping it all locked down. Other people are the key here. I know it feels embarrassing and humiliating but that shame is his, not yours. Be open and get help

WonderfulYou · 16/01/2022 12:40

1) Id message her “selling yourself a bit cheap there luv”

2) I’m not going to say LTB because you have a tiny baby and it’s impractical. But this man isn’t forever. For now you just live with each other, make use of the second set of hands, squirrel away some money, go back to work asap and DO NOT have another baby with him. When baby gets to school age get the fuck out of there.

WTAF!
This man is obsessed with this women yet it’s apparently the OWs fault.

Not only are you blaming this women who could be completely oblivious to it all, but you also think OP should just put up with it for 4 years just because she has a baby!

LostMyLastHatfulOfWords · 16/01/2022 12:42

No it is not innocent.
If it was , it would not be secret from you or her DH.
You are being gas-lighted.

If innocent

  • he might have been browsing generally and seen ad for leopard-pattern nightwear.
-he might have thought: 'friends wife would love that- just her style and a great joke. Shall I suggest it to my DW our Christmas-present-buyer?'
tolerable · 16/01/2022 12:46

@melissasummerfield.!!!!whit!! "never have allowed"-is that for real?
husband and presume shes swanning about in it...her fella oblivious too.
kick him out.
you dont HAVE to listened to lies,backdated excuses "making a thing about it"bollocks.He did that-sneakin.who\what other females is he purchasing coverups for..
if- and --the clues are there love. Hes blew it.ITs entirely down to HIM.
shoe no mercy.hes only sheepish cos got caught.
sometimes i pretend am level headed n quite sweet...probably....id want to nip round,throw ma keys in the fruitbowl and ask what "they"gotchu.
sorry doll.

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