Husband bought a christmas gift for another women

[Biscuits1]

So I found a Next parcel receipt from December for a leopard print animal dressing gown not in my size and which I never received as a gift. After much questioning and denial about buying it. He admitted it was for his mate's wife as a 'joke' as he says she always wears one around the house. But his mate doesn't know and I'm not to tell him either as he will 'get the wrong end of the stick'.

The back story though is my husband sent drunken messages to his best friends wife (he went to school with both of them so wasn't unusual to message her) suggesting they hook up. I found the messages and obviously shit hit the fan. I forgave him but him and his friend fell out. Years have since past and he has been in touch with them again and everything was water under the bridge (or so I thought) and I have seen them a couple of times in the past few months but hubby has seen them a lot more.

To make matters worse, he ordered the dressing gown whilst upstairs isolating as he had covid and our baby was 10 weeks old at the time so we really didn't want her to catch it. I was sleeping on the sofa downstairs with the baby in the moses basket.

AIBU to feel hurt as hubby doesn't even buy his family gifts as that's my job. I also do not know if there is more to it as all I can think is that he was sat upstairs probably messaging her when he bought the dressing gown. What would you do in my situation?

@Biscuits1

Thanks for your advice. Yes its the same woman. I have said that I can't trust him but he's just telling me it's innocent and then I feel like I'm being dramatic because he hasn't actually had an affair (or one that I know of).

Secrets are not innocent though, are they..

He's talking shit. Why is a leopard print gown a 'joke', what's so funny about it?

Trust your gut op. So sorry.

It is quite clear where he is trying to get the wrong end of his stick

I know who needs to be sleeping on the sofa now...

You poor woman.

@WTF475878237NC has nailed.

He's scum.

Suit yourself, until you are sorted but don't waste your future on such a loser.

Definitely tell his friend when the time is right.

He is the definition of a loser.

You deserve so much better.

Reach out to family and friends for support.

Given his history with her, he shouldn't be buying her sod all. He even knows its wrong as the first thing he said was to not tell her husband! This would be the last straw for me, he's a shady fucker and you deserve better.

Clearly there's something going on or she would have returned the dressing gown and told him in no uncertain terms to do one.Wonder how she's explained it to her OH, probably told him it was a bargain in the sales. Sorry you and your little one are in this situation.

If he's prepared to tell her DP/ his friend about it, then I'd be more inclined to believe his 'innocence'. But sorry OP his behaviour sounds really shifty- he's hiding something from you. Be prepared for more to be revealed.

Congrats on your baby 💐

at first i would have thought ah no big deal... but a leapard print dressing gown 🤔🙄🙄 so a sexy item no thanks. i would be horrified if someone i wasnt sleeping with got me that for xmas and if he really isnt having an affair then hes just stupid beyond belief but i believe he is at least trying to get it on with her and would be telling her husband as well, see how much he likes the joke

at first i would have thought ah no big deal... but a leapard print dressing gown
A sexy dressing gown? Sexy? Really? Im currently wearing my sexiest of bed-socks too.

Op, what do you want from this thread? Do you want advice on staying with him and moving past this, or advice on leaving? Having done a back search, will your oldest child’s schooling actually stop you from having any options?

Arrange a coffee with the woman and just bloody ask her. She may be totally innocent, he may be just a git

But his mate doesn't know and I'm not to tell him either as he will 'get the wrong end of the stick'.

He doesn't get to decide whether you tell anything to his friend or not. And he doesn't get to decide how his friend should react to it. If it is innocent then he will have no problem telling (or you telling) his friend about the gift. If you do decide to stay with him (you shouldn't) make this a condition of re-building trust. He won't do it because you can't trust him.

I would kick him out and also tell his friend what they’ve been up to! The lies start as soon as they get caught out, you wouldn’t buy a dressing gown as a joke! Maybe they are having an emotional affair?

I have women friends and relatives. I don't know what they wear around the house all the time. How does he know what she wears around the house? If he's saying it's all innocent, there's no reason for you not to arrange to meet her husband for a coffee to discuss it, is there?

Imagine thinking you can steal a woman off her husband (your best mate) with a leopard print dressing gown. What a prize idiot.
He’s taking the piss out of you, her and his mate.

I'm as gullible as they come but jeez. He bought leopard print nightwear for a woman he actively pursued before and he has made up the flimsiest lie ever to cover it up.

"It's a joke!" yeah, okay. What a jolly jape. I bet her husband will laugh and laugh when he hears this joke, too.

If this is all innocent, surely she would have told her husband anyway? If a male friend randomly sent me a dressing gown I would think it was bloody odd and I would mention it to my DH?
He’s full of shit here op and I think you know that, but quite understandably you don’t want to go there again, particularly with a small baby. I’m sorry, what a wanker he is!!!!

Tell him to tell her husband or you will.

Not ok OP— it’s up to you what you do but I think this deed will stay mentally with you even if you stay— he clearly has quite the thing for this woman and I don’t think I would feel like staying if I wasn’t number 1 and the only one- in husbands thoughts and behaviour

@Biscuits1

Thanks for your advice. Yes its the same woman. I have said that I can't trust him but he's just telling me it's innocent and then I feel like I'm being dramatic because he hasn't actually had an affair (or one that I know of).

Years later he's trying to get it on with the SAME woman, if it hasn't happened between them already. There's an entrenched pattern of behaviour here and he's trying to gaslight you into making you feel as though you are overreacting that he bought a slinky (presuming that?) leopard-print nightgown for his best friends wife who he previously propositioned. And he didn't while you were downstairs with your baby.

LTB and don't look back.

Firstly I'd be talking to the woman and telling her husband. We don't even know her side of it yet!

Secondly, I'd be making quiet plans to leave as he clearly has very little respect for you (and his friends!) to be so blatant about pursuing this woman over the years! Please don't just accept his lies, make plans for you and your babies future. He doesn't deserve anything.

He’s in love with her.

I don’t think those feelings will ever change and I don’t think I could be with someone who’s in love with someone else.

Telling her or his friend is not going to stop his feelings.

Me and my male friends get each other presents so I was ready to say YABU but reading your post YADNBU - it’s worse that there’s also a back story.

It it also IS the gift. I would say a dressing gown is an intimate present, DH wouldn’t buy his friends wives dressing gowns SECRETLY because it’s weird. If the wife hasn’t told her DH (guessing not otherwise it would have hit the fan by now..) then I would say they’re having an affair. What other explanation is there?

Is it for the same friend that he was messaging about "hooking up"? I would tell the woman's husband too