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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband bought a christmas gift for another women

255 replies

Biscuits1 · 16/01/2022 09:27

So I found a Next parcel receipt from December for a leopard print animal dressing gown not in my size and which I never received as a gift. After much questioning and denial about buying it. He admitted it was for his mate's wife as a 'joke' as he says she always wears one around the house. But his mate doesn't know and I'm not to tell him either as he will 'get the wrong end of the stick'.

The back story though is my husband sent drunken messages to his best friends wife (he went to school with both of them so wasn't unusual to message her) suggesting they hook up. I found the messages and obviously shit hit the fan. I forgave him but him and his friend fell out. Years have since past and he has been in touch with them again and everything was water under the bridge (or so I thought) and I have seen them a couple of times in the past few months but hubby has seen them a lot more.

To make matters worse, he ordered the dressing gown whilst upstairs isolating as he had covid and our baby was 10 weeks old at the time so we really didn't want her to catch it. I was sleeping on the sofa downstairs with the baby in the moses basket.

AIBU to feel hurt as hubby doesn't even buy his family gifts as that's my job. I also do not know if there is more to it as all I can think is that he was sat upstairs probably messaging her when he bought the dressing gown. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
TheOccupier · 16/01/2022 10:02

Ugh! I'd send the leopard temptress' DH a copy of the receipt. As someone else said your DH is either shagging her or trying to.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/01/2022 10:04

Fuck me, he’s-a compete arsehole. If it’s So innocent why is it a secret? Why wasn’t it a gift from both of you? Does her DH know where it came from? How did it get to her, whilst you were being treated badly and sleeping on the sofa with a new born? A secret meet up? No, I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him. Baby or no baby, I would be done here.

Fluffycloudland77 · 16/01/2022 10:04

It was an error to forgive the first time. You’ve got years of this ahead of you if you forgive again.

The main problem you’ve got is he really wants to shag this woman and is still sniffing round her when he’s got a wife who loves him and a child.

He doesn’t appreciate what it is to be loved.

CagneyNYPD1 · 16/01/2022 10:04

I have a few questions @Biscuits1. What type of dressing gown? Sexy satin or cosy fleece? And what did he get you for Xmas?

KiloWhat · 16/01/2022 10:05

But his mate doesn't know and I'm not to tell him either as he will 'get the wrong end of the stick'. massive giveaway

ChargingBuck · 16/01/2022 10:06

Is your husband's OW Dorien out of Birds of a Feather?
What a classy pair she & your DH sound.

AIBU to feel hurt as hubby doesn't even buy his family gifts as that's my job

Why is it your job?
And what is this extraordinary bullshit your DH is selling you about But his mate doesn't know and I'm not to tell him either as he will 'get the wrong end of the stick'.?
It's not relevant whether he's currently shagging her - (although it seems clear he is plotting to) - he's certainly having an emotional affair.

Your DH takes you for granted to such an extent that he now has the brass neck to tell you to collude in concealing his affair from the OW's DH ... his supposed best mate!

How can you live with such breathtaking contempt?
What do you want to do about it?

KiloWhat · 16/01/2022 10:06

@Messilia

1) Id message her “selling yourself a bit cheap there luv”
  1. I’m not going to say LTB because you have a tiny baby and it’s impractical. But this man isn’t forever. For now you just live with each other, make use of the second set of hands, squirrel away some money, go back to work asap and DO NOT have another baby with him. When baby gets to school age get the fuck out of there.
Good plan
LagunaBubbles · 16/01/2022 10:07

If it was innocent he would have told you and her husband. Up to you what to do but you can't trust him.

Ohmycron · 16/01/2022 10:08

“Get the wrong end of the stick”. Totally right

spacecadets · 16/01/2022 10:09

Do you really want to be with someone who holds a flame for his best mates wife?
He's already been caught out once for bad behaviour and yet he's done it again!
Seriously, you are worth so much more than this.

AnotherEmma · 16/01/2022 10:10

If he's not having an affair, he's certainly trying to.
LTB.
Oh and stop buying gifts for his family, YABVU to say that's "your job" and to do it.

Ionlydomassiveones · 16/01/2022 10:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

onewednesdayindecember · 16/01/2022 10:12

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP. I would say that this sort of gift means it is a well established affair.

PurpleThursdays · 16/01/2022 10:12

He is shady af. Defo planning an affair. I'd be thinking that they probably send each other pics and the like. I'm afraid I'd be dumping this one pronto.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 16/01/2022 10:12

@WTF475878237NC

Honestly OP this is awful. Congratulations on your little baby. So whilst you were managing alone and he was unwell/in isolation, he was buying a gift for someone he holds a torch for (at best), or is actively pursuing/screwing (at worst). I am all for second chances. He's blown it. I would make plans to leave. I wouldn't necessarily leave right now, with a baby you may find yourself benefitting from him help a little while whilst you get prepared...but I'd never let him touch me again and would stop believing he has your family's best interests at heart from today. You're on your own I'm afraid.
There's a lot of truth here.

You don't come first; he's been pining for someone else, even when you're doing all the work supporting him while ill and looking after a newborn. HIS newborn. What an arsehole.

Chimley · 16/01/2022 10:13

The simple fact of not wanting his mate to know suggests he knows he's done something wrong. I think a serious chat with him about the future is required.

Hertsgirl10 · 16/01/2022 10:13

Ok I wasn’t ready for all the Next hating here 👀

He’s an arse honestly let him fantasise over his mates gf the saddo but on this occasion I would be making moves to get rid of him cos he’s blown it once and is back to doing it again, with the same girl too.

So sorry you’re having to go through this with a new baby xxxx

GreetingsAndSalutations · 16/01/2022 10:14

Definitely not overreacting, and don’t let him dictate how you should feel. Add to that if you do stay with him (and ideally you won’t because you and your child deserve better) don’t let him dictate how long it takes you to get past this.

I don’t know if you should tell the mate about the gift- I would want to in the hope it all blows up in your husband’s face. He’s a crap friend, a rubbish dad and a worse husband after all.

TheVanguardSix · 16/01/2022 10:16

AIBU to feel hurt as hubby doesn't even buy his family gifts as that's my job.

YABU to not call your hubby 'Fecking Assclown of the Highest Order' and your 'job' does not include buying her some tacky-ass Next animal print dressing gown. I can only IMAGINE the whole Lipsy Look going on here. Ugh.
OP. Flowers You'll find the right solution, but what a turd he is. You've got a lot of thinking to do... and with a little baby, this is the last thing you need. I hope you have lots of real life support.

StellaGibson118 · 16/01/2022 10:16

I'd kick the f**ker out.

Sally872 · 16/01/2022 10:16

Nope yanbu. He should be thanking his lucky stars you are on board with friendship again presumably mainly so he gets best friend back. Your dh should be extremely careful to make sure you, his friend and his wife do not think he is inappropriate again. I would be surprised if he could be more than polite but distance with wife after this.

Buying her a gift especially a secret one is completely inappropriate. Do not let him tell you otherwise. If its not inappropriate why can't friend know? If he cares about friendship then why risk it if only a joke. Ltb.

ddl1 · 16/01/2022 10:17

His buying the present as such would not worry me so much, but the lying about it would. And buying it as a 'joke' is actually more worrying than a serious present: you're more likely to buy something as a joke for someone with whom you're flirting. There could still be an innocent explanation (and isolation can make people act oddly); but YANBU to be concerned about it.

Lunificent · 16/01/2022 10:17

@Messilia

1) Id message her “selling yourself a bit cheap there luv”
  1. I’m not going to say LTB because you have a tiny baby and it’s impractical. But this man isn’t forever. For now you just live with each other, make use of the second set of hands, squirrel away some money, go back to work asap and DO NOT have another baby with him. When baby gets to school age get the fuck out of there.
Either leave or do what Messilia suggests. He’s a bad person. And what a liberty, buying another woman a present and then trying to suggest that you’re dramatic. If your friend told you this had happened to her, you’d advise her to leave.
bigbeatmanifesto · 16/01/2022 10:17

I've got to be honest I'd ask her, I'd say my husbands buying you presents and hiding it from me can you explain why?
It's mid January he's had weeks to tell you he bought a 'jokey gift' it's the secret around it that makes me suspicious of him.
Given his previous I'd struggle to trust anything he said.

ddl1 · 16/01/2022 10:18

And why are family gifts 'your job'?

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