Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM can't cope financially without me, WWYD?

158 replies

ChildcareHelpGrateful · 15/01/2022 19:00

Situation: I’m a single parent with no help from ExH in the week. My mum helps with childcare and I do pay her a small amount for this (less than after school club but enough to cover her fuel and food for DD as she does live too far from DDs school to pick her up on foot).

Recently my manager asked me to work half an hour extra every day apart from 1 (the night DD has an after school activity, mum currently takes her to this and I pick DD up after it). I discussed it with mum but she wasn’t happy to have DD for another 45 minutes per day. So I booked ASC for 4 days and asked mum to carry on with the night DD has her activity.

I’ve obviously reduced my mums pay to reflect this so she now only gets a 5th of what I gave her before.

She’s just told me that she can’t manage without that money, at all but can’t take DD for those 45 minutes.

Mum works in the day, usually 6 days a week and I know gets no UC. I get a UC topup and once I start my new hours will be better off financially as UC will pay me back 85% of my childcare and I will be slightly better off from working the extra 2 hours a week. So even though childcare will cost me more than it does now I’ll get most of what I pay now back.

If I take that money away from her she’ll have to up her hours and work more but has said she’ll still cover the activity night as she helps my sibling and sibling in law with their DC at weekends.

So WWYD? I don’t want to set a precedence and help her out but also feel bad.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 15/01/2022 19:01

If you've given her the choice - extra 45 minutes and she gets money, or no childcare and you have to spend the money on childcare elsewhere - I can't see what else you can do.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 15/01/2022 19:03

Honestly you have to do what is right for you and your child. And it sounds like you know what that is. If your Mum wants to be paid for looking after her grand daughter she gets paid for the hours she does. Same with any other job.

ChrissyPlummer · 15/01/2022 19:04

Gosh, it sounds like she must be really struggling if she works 6 days and the money you pay here will leave her not managing.

However, it would be crazy to pay twice (DM & ASC) as you don’t need her. It also sounds like she gets very little downtime, work, childcare for you and your sibling. It sounds quite sad really. I suppose one benefit is that she won’t be needing to use the car, so she’s not actually ‘losing’ anything that way.

BigYellowHat · 15/01/2022 19:05

Agree with @SuperLoudPoppingAction

Original poster
ChildcareHelpGrateful · 15/01/2022 19:08

@ChrissyPlummer

Gosh, it sounds like she must be really struggling if she works 6 days and the money you pay here will leave her not managing.

However, it would be crazy to pay twice (DM & ASC) as you don’t need her. It also sounds like she gets very little downtime, work, childcare for you and your sibling. It sounds quite sad really. I suppose one benefit is that she won’t be needing to use the car, so she’s not actually ‘losing’ anything that way.

@ChrissyPlummer it is absolutely DMs choice to help me and my sibling with childcare, I've always offered to put DD in ASC. Sibling had a nanny until my DN was 6, only stopped as DM offered but would happily employ one again to cover the small amount of childcare they need.
OP posts:
Didiusfalco · 15/01/2022 19:08

Could you offer her a slightly higher rate for the evening she does i.e to match the after school cost? You can’t pay her for the evenings she isn’t doing. If you’re being topped up by uc too, I honestly can’t imagine you have much spare.

Original poster
ChildcareHelpGrateful · 15/01/2022 19:11

@Didiusfalco

Could you offer her a slightly higher rate for the evening she does i.e to match the after school cost? You can’t pay her for the evenings she isn’t doing. If you’re being topped up by uc too, I honestly can’t imagine you have much spare.
@Didiusfalco The only reason I never paid her the ASC rate is because she's not registered so I can't claim it back. I'll actually be slightly better off financially once I can claim those 4 days childcare back but not much, we're talking £15 a week if that.
OP posts:
FAQs · 15/01/2022 19:12

But you wasn’t paying her? You was covering her expenses (yours) and not actually covering her time.

WorriedGiraffe · 15/01/2022 19:13

I’d pay her slightly more for the once night she does do (maybe the same amount you pay after school club), but explain that you can’t afford to pay both her and after school club for the other days.

KatieKat88 · 15/01/2022 19:15

@FAQs

But you wasn’t paying her? You was covering her expenses (yours) and not actually covering her time.
This - I'm confused
LizzieSiddal · 15/01/2022 19:15

I too think you should pay her properly for the hours she looks after Dd and you should have been for the whole time she’s had her.

Original poster
ChildcareHelpGrateful · 15/01/2022 19:16

@FAQs

But you wasn’t paying her? You was covering her expenses (yours) and not actually covering her time.
@FAQs basically that was my intention but how she used it was her business.

Say for arguments sake ASC is £8 for 3 hours (3.30-6.30pm but I can pick up anytime from 4pm) I'd give her £5 a day, so now she only gets £5 a week rather than £25.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChildcareHelpGrateful · 15/01/2022 19:18

@LizzieSiddal

I too think you should pay her properly for the hours she looks after Dd and you should have been for the whole time she’s had her.
@LizzieSiddal Say for arguments sake ASC is £8 for 3 hours (3.30-6.30pm but I can pick up anytime from 4pm) I'd give her £5 a day, so now she only gets £5 a week rather than £25.

I couldn't claim it back as she's not ofsted registered so paying her £128 a month was a huge amount for me. To not get back.

I get 85% of ASC back from UC, so it does make a small difference to my finances.

OP posts:
FAQs · 15/01/2022 19:21

£5 a day and out of that is has to cover girl and food, do you think you was possibly taking advantage of her!

FAQs · 15/01/2022 19:21

Fuel

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 15/01/2022 19:22

@FAQs

But you wasn’t paying her? You was covering her expenses (yours) and not actually covering her time.
This. She's been doing the actual childcare for free.

I get that you aren't well off yourself, but you seem quite unmoved by what your mum is telling you about her own dire finances. Is there some background to that?

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 15/01/2022 19:23

Also, what contribution is your ex making to the childcare costs for his child?

Original poster
ChildcareHelpGrateful · 15/01/2022 19:25

@FAQs

£5 a day and out of that is has to cover girl and food, do you think you was possibly taking advantage of her!
@FAQs but what was I supposed to do? It's only £3 more expensive a day at After School Club and thats registered so I can claim it back from UC.

I never ask her for childcare help at any other time, and I offered to put DD in ASC before, but she said she wanted to help me out.

OP posts:
redastherose · 15/01/2022 19:25

It was an arrangement that she was happy with but actually financially disadvantaged you because you couldn't claim the cost. It no longer works so you pay her for the day she does if she still wants to do it. You aren't a charity if you're on UC and you cannot afford to sub your mum just because. As sad as that may be. People saying you should pay her properly are missing the point, you can claim back asc and you couldn't claim back when she was doing the childcare. The extra £3 was what you would have received in benefits had your dc gone to the club all along.

Original poster
ChildcareHelpGrateful · 15/01/2022 19:25

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

Also, what contribution is your ex making to the childcare costs for his child?
@Skiptheheartsandflowers £0, but thats a whole other thread - on paper he earns nothing at all, no wages, no benefits, nothing, so i can get nothing from him. I've been to CMS who told me he earns nothing.
OP posts:
BrieAndChilli · 15/01/2022 19:26

Could she do 1 or 2 nights a week so you only need ASC for 2? Means she isn’t having a late night every day and also wouldn’t lose as much money?

IncompleteSenten · 15/01/2022 19:26

You've been giving her £5 a day?

She must be really desperate for that £25. That's really sad.

Well, not 25 is it? 25 before fuel so, what maybe 15?

If you're going to be 15 a week better off then I'd go with the after-school care and give her the 15 for the one day.

Thatsplentyjack · 15/01/2022 19:28

If she was spending the 25 a week on fuel and food for dd, then how will her not getting that money impact on her finances? She won't need fuel or food for your dd now.

Original poster
ChildcareHelpGrateful · 15/01/2022 19:29

@BrieAndChilli

Could she do 1 or 2 nights a week so you only need ASC for 2? Means she isn’t having a late night every day and also wouldn’t lose as much money?
@BrieAndChilli She won't do the extra 45 minutes, so will only cover the activity night. I'm working half an hour longer on every night apart from the activity night.
OP posts:
JustLyra · 15/01/2022 19:29

She can’t expect you to pay for ASC and her. That’s just ridiculous.

If her finances are so tight that the loss of less than £20 a week (since she’d only have what was left over from food and fuel out of that) then it was never a long term solution for her anyway - what would happen when your DD was at high school or didn’t need minding anymore?

You can’t afford to do both and your mum can’t expect you to do that.

Swipe left for the next trending thread