DM can't cope financially without me, WWYD?

[ChildcareHelpGrateful]

Situation: I’m a single parent with no help from ExH in the week. My mum helps with childcare and I do pay her a small amount for this (less than after school club but enough to cover her fuel and food for DD as she does live too far from DDs school to pick her up on foot).

Recently my manager asked me to work half an hour extra every day apart from 1 (the night DD has an after school activity, mum currently takes her to this and I pick DD up after it). I discussed it with mum but she wasn’t happy to have DD for another 45 minutes per day. So I booked ASC for 4 days and asked mum to carry on with the night DD has her activity.

I’ve obviously reduced my mums pay to reflect this so she now only gets a 5th of what I gave her before.

She’s just told me that she can’t manage without that money, at all but can’t take DD for those 45 minutes.

Mum works in the day, usually 6 days a week and I know gets no UC. I get a UC topup and once I start my new hours will be better off financially as UC will pay me back 85% of my childcare and I will be slightly better off from working the extra 2 hours a week. So even though childcare will cost me more than it does now I’ll get most of what I pay now back.

If I take that money away from her she’ll have to up her hours and work more but has said she’ll still cover the activity night as she helps my sibling and sibling in law with their DC at weekends.

So WWYD? I don’t want to set a precedence and help her out but also feel bad.

I disagree that your sister paying or not isn't your business OP. That was true before, but now your mum is stating that she can't manage without your contribution it is.

@VikingOnTheFridge

I disagree that your sister paying or not isn't your business OP. That was true before, but now your mum is stating that she can't manage without your contribution it is.

It doesn't change anything though.

If her sister doesn't pay for childcare costs then that's up to DM to sort out. If she does already pay her then she's not liable to now cover what OP paid. So it's still irrelevant and none of OPs business.

OP, I'd stick with your plan for ASC and don't be guilted about your DMs lack of budgeting.

She wants a 3 bed as she says her current house is too small for her - I have pointed out I'm in a tiny flat while she has a house but she says that's not her fault, and she should be allowed to live wherever she wants and in whatever size house she wants to.

If this is her mindset, you can pretty much assume she's servicing some hefty debts.

If her sister doesn't pay for childcare costs then that's up to DM to sort out. If she does already pay her then she's not liable to now cover what OP paid. So it's still irrelevant and none of OPs business

It isn't irrelevant.

DM has basically asked OP to keep paying because she needs the money. If she's not being paid for the childcare she does for DSis, she could potentially use that time to earn more money rather than asking OP to keep paying. It would be like OP subsidising the free childcare, something which clearly would be her business. This obviously may not be the case, but that possibility is why it's relevant.

My parents both left school at 14 without a qualification between them other than pitman's shorthand (mum) they would be mortified to ask their children for financial support. I can't ever imagine being ok being financially reliant on DS. She's your mum but she's also an adult, she needs to make appropriate financial decisions. DM and MIL both look after DS both refuse money, we leave cash in a pot for days out, coffees ice cream etc and have never topped it up because they won't take it

She wants a 3 bed as she says her current house is too small for her - I have pointed out I'm in a tiny flat while she has a house but she says that's not her fault, and she should be allowed to live wherever she wants and in whatever size house she wants to.

Surely she is aware you pay bedroom tax per spare bedroom? If she is unable to manage a two bed on 37 hrs per wk, then a three bed is out of the question.

Given your last update, I really think you have made the best decision. However, I'd be suggesting your mam sees CAB about debt.

Well I don't have much sympathy for your Mum. Lots of us will have to downsize when our DC retire whether in rented or owned homes.

A large home is a want not a need.

Nor have I especially when you are a single parent OP

There's no right or wrong.

My view is, she's your mum and presumably you love her dearly. And you only get one mum.

I would help her. If you weren't getting the refund then no, but given you are, then I think even a token amount would be nice.

You don't OWE her anything. And shouldn't feel guilty if you don't support her.

But if you can, and she truly needs it, then I know I would.

My mum's a superstar and helps me out so much. I wouldn't have to think twice (unless it put me in a difficult place financially)

Musereader.
I obviously shouldnt' have bothered, so sorry to offend your way superior knowledge.
Where did I get my knowledge from ?
Running my own successful childminding business for nearly twenty years,
Oh and then being totally lied to by both council and UC. I will of course check this just for my reference. (I was trying to share something that I know a lot about with the OP. I was definitely not looking to upset or have any sort of interaction with someone who works for UC EVER) Working in a childs home and not your own makes you a nanny NOT a childminder. Please don't imply that I am a liar. I would have nothing to gain by doing that. I unfortunately know that UC is not opposed to saying what they believe will get them the results they have to insist on. Of course not you personally as I'm sure that you would not do this.

Her take-home pay is about £1200 a month. In many places, 1 bedroom places are expensive flats. And of course, she does not want to live in a room in a shared house at her age. Her finances will be tight.

@RandomMess

Well I don't have much sympathy for your Mum. Lots of us will have to downsize when our DC retire whether in rented or owned homes.

A large home is a want not a need.

You would downsize to a room in a shared house?

I'd happily downsize to a one bed on my own or a roomy one bed with DH if I needed to. Obviously I'd like to stay in our family home but once the DC aren't contributing anymore doubt we can afford it.

Over 25 UC will support an adult renting a one bed home rather than a house share.

@ChildcareHelpGrateful

Situation: I’m a single parent with no help from ExH in the week. My mum helps with childcare and I do pay her a small amount for this (less than after school club but enough to cover her fuel and food for DD as she does live too far from DDs school to pick her up on foot).

So basically you're not paying her! You refund her petrol and supply your DDs food.

@AllThePogs

Or ask for a single bedroom flat/house/bungalow?

Or with the £4500 tax free allowance rent out the current second bedroom if allowed by the landlord/association?

I think OP needs to investigate, kindly, what her mother's finances are. And speak to her sibling. And get DM to CAB escorting her in person if she can find the time, so someone other than the OP can explain the problems.

Many places only have expensive flats, You pay more where I live to rent a flat than to rent a 2 bedroom terraced house.
If privately rented you are usually not allowed to sublet.

And don't assume the mother does not understand benefits. I find on MN people often have no idea the people without dependent kids have to be on an incredibly low income to get benefits. The entitlement is very low. And from what OP has posted I am not surprised she is entitled to no help. I wouldn't expect her to be.

I assume your child’s father works, as you said he doesn’t get paid on paper. I would look into this more, and try to prove he does work. It’s not fair that he doesn’t contribute anything at all.

I’m with you OP.

You are a single parent working PT without addition CMS from DC’s Father.

Your DM works FT but seems to not be managing her finances well. Your DM offered to help you with childcare. You accepted and offered her money to cover her food and fuel costs. I’m assuming as you knew that it would leave her out of pocket?
IMO, GP should not have to be paid to look after their own GC. How is your DM ‘helping you out with childcare’ if you are having to pay her to do so but you’d be financially better off using an ASC instead?

If an adult child can and feels the need to financially support their parents than they should do so if they wish.

Your DM needs to get financial advice from the CAB and downsize. Sounds like she living above her means and being difficult. You said she bounces from disaster to disaster or something along those lines. She can’t remain living in a 2-bed property if she can’t afford to. Why does she need a 3-bed?

You are not financially responsible for your DM, but you and your DSis should be helping her to sort out her finances.

To PP who think that £15 pw is not that much - Losing £15 pw is a lot of money for some people. Remember, the reduction of the UC uplift is £20 pw and I’m sure every one is aware of the issues re. that.

Your mum's story doesn't really add up. Even on minimum wage, her monthly take home pay is almost £1300. Rent and council tax will probably halve that, sure, but that still leaves enough for a single person to afford reasonable outgoings for the month.

@NorthernLighting

I assume your child’s father works, as you said he doesn’t get paid on paper. I would look into this more, and try to prove he does work. It’s not fair that he doesn’t contribute anything at all.

@NorthernLighting He works in his parents or grandparents company (don't know if its changed hands since we were together), is down as a volunteer so earns nothing at all. He does drive a a nice 2020 plate car and own his own home but thats not in his name either.

So he earns nothing and has no assets. And yes his family think he's dad of the year.

Gosh I think you are very good at holding your tongue. The temptation to tell your mother that she can rent out her spare room or downsize to a one bed and that that will solve her problems, and then to tell your ex's mother that he doesn't pay a bean in child support would overwhelm me.
You don't have enough money to subsidise anybody on top of raising your daughter and she has to be your first priority. You are doing quite right.

Why can't your ex do some childminding or his family or are they not trustworthy?

@woodhill

Why can't your ex do some childminding or his family or are they not trustworthy?

@woodhill There's a court order, he only gets EOW for 24 hours and 1 extra day at Christmas with DD, any other time is my responsibility and his family won't help me out.