DM can't cope financially without me, WWYD?

[ChildcareHelpGrateful]

Situation: I’m a single parent with no help from ExH in the week. My mum helps with childcare and I do pay her a small amount for this (less than after school club but enough to cover her fuel and food for DD as she does live too far from DDs school to pick her up on foot).

Recently my manager asked me to work half an hour extra every day apart from 1 (the night DD has an after school activity, mum currently takes her to this and I pick DD up after it). I discussed it with mum but she wasn’t happy to have DD for another 45 minutes per day. So I booked ASC for 4 days and asked mum to carry on with the night DD has her activity.

I’ve obviously reduced my mums pay to reflect this so she now only gets a 5th of what I gave her before.

She’s just told me that she can’t manage without that money, at all but can’t take DD for those 45 minutes.

Mum works in the day, usually 6 days a week and I know gets no UC. I get a UC topup and once I start my new hours will be better off financially as UC will pay me back 85% of my childcare and I will be slightly better off from working the extra 2 hours a week. So even though childcare will cost me more than it does now I’ll get most of what I pay now back.

If I take that money away from her she’ll have to up her hours and work more but has said she’ll still cover the activity night as she helps my sibling and sibling in law with their DC at weekends.

So WWYD? I don’t want to set a precedence and help her out but also feel bad.

I don’t see there’s a problem if she can increase her hours at work?

Paying your mother to mind her grandchildren is an absolute minefield and having done it for a number of years i would advise against it.

IME a grandparent looking after a grandchild only works if it’s for free or expenses / token money.

My DC did very well out of my DM looking after them but it altered our relationship massively. My DM was paid approx 600 per month for 3 afternoons a week and holidays etc. It was always made clear to me that this wasn’t enough, she was still doing me a favour etc.

DM was wonderful and I was truly blessed in that DC were happy, dinners were made, house was tidy etc but ultimately it created a tension that never shifted and I am not sure the trade off was worth it.

Now that we are WFH and my youngest is approaching secondary we don’t need the childcare and this is a very hard thing to do to your mother. DM wants to start looking after my DC when we return to the office but ultimately they are getting big, but after 15 years of childcare my DM relies on the cash and its difficult to stop.

So think carefully as to what decision you make

Op I agree you can’t pay your mum for something she doesn’t do. I think posters probably don’t realise the very low benefits a single person is entitled to and as for downsizing there aren’t the one bedroom properties available because the bedroom tax doesn’t marry up with the social housing stock. Low paid single people really do struggle . Charities don’t support this demographic and charitable support is a sticking plaster anyway.

Just give her £15 for the activity night? A nice compromise I would have thought, if she’s struggling.

Did she expect you to just not take the extra hours when she said she wouldn't do the childcare?

You need to put you and DD first. If the extra hours put you in a better financial position, you'd be crazy not to do them.

You gave your mum the option, she said no, so you found other childcare. She made the choice not to take on the extra 45 mins, she can't then moan that you're taking the money away from her.

You can't (and shouldn't) pay twice - that's absurd.

At some point the arrangement would have naturally stopped anyway so what was your DMs plan then?

You have to do what is best for you.

You are not paying her though are you? You said in your first post that you give her enough to cover expenses so she is doing it for free despite your claim "I don't expect anyone to look after my child for free"

Like a PP has said, the amount you would pay for ASC is an absolute bargain as even a baby sitter costs me £8 an hour!

@Lougle

Do you have a good relationship? You seem to be viewing this purely financially but I do feel for your Mum a bit. She works 6 days per week, 6¼ ish hours per day, and looks after children 7 days per week, willingly. Now you've completely removed that because she doesn't want to do an extra 45 minutes each night.

@Lougle Unfortunately I had no choice, I live in fear that my UC will be stopped or I'll be sanctioned, if it was just me I wouldn't be bothered but there's DD to think about.

I already get £0 from her dad, I couldn't cope financially without UC.

@GrandDuchessRomanov

You are not paying her though are you? You said in your first post that you give her enough to cover expenses so she is doing it for free despite your claim "I don't expect anyone to look after my child for free"

Like a PP has said, the amount you would pay for ASC is an absolute bargain as even a baby sitter costs me £8 an hour!

@GrandDuchessRomanov I can get a babysitter for £10 for 2 hours so it must just be my area.

@Thistooshallpsss

Op I agree you can’t pay your mum for something she doesn’t do. I think posters probably don’t realise the very low benefits a single person is entitled to and as for downsizing there aren’t the one bedroom properties available because the bedroom tax doesn’t marry up with the social housing stock. Low paid single people really do struggle . Charities don’t support this demographic and charitable support is a sticking plaster anyway.

Councils round here are very happy to assist with house swaps for people who want to downsize. Huge numbers of tenants are overcrowded - 2 kids in a bedroom and mum and dad on the sofa.

Tell your mom to do another UC calculation and check if she’s entitled to council tax support.
You need to do what is best for you and your daughter, she can’t rely on you to top up her income.
What if you were sick/on holiday and didn’t need her help that week. Would she expect you to pay her £5 per day.
Those that are saying pay her more on the one day. That wouldn’t be fair on yourself. Increase in hours at work means your uc will be less. So you may just break even with finding the extra on top of the 85% for childcare fees.

Does not make sense, even on min wage she is getting £1200 per month in wages, when I was single I was getting that much and paying 475 for a flat about 300 in bills and had 400 for food and spending.

She would be entitled to 324.84 + (rent -14% lowest is 324 in scunthorpe up to 695 in bristol I have excluded London and most of the southwest at the top of the list UC lha rates here www.gov.uk/government/publications/universal-credit-local-housing-allowance-rates-2021-to-2022) for UC so about 600 to 1000 in most of the country.

The taper rate changed in December from 63% to 55% and while it would have been wiped out by wages before (unless at the top of the range) even at the lower end she will get a top up now.

You have not done anything wrong, but I would have a chat with her and try to establish why she’s so desperate for money. Could you also have a chat with your sibling? Does your sibling pay for the child care your mum provides for her child? If they were able to afford a nanny, are they able to give your mum a bit of money to help her out?

I think your mum needs to work the hours she was offering you childcare. I'm assuming that though she works six days a week, she's not full time. It might mean you need to make other arrangements for the afternoon your DC has an activity, but you can't have it all ways.

If my Mum (and I dont have a good relationship with her at all) told me this I would just give her the money if I at all could.
She did raise you and paid everything for you for many years...

@ChildcareHelpGrateful, you can't get sanctioned on UC if you are Working. Most sanctions are about not doing work search or not turning up for appointments which you don't need to do if you are working, you could get sanctioned for leaving a job for no reason, but they usually do accept any reason for leaving.

So youbused to okay her £25 per week but reduced it to £5 per week? But she's still picking up your child from school?! How's that fair?

@Lougle

Do you have a good relationship? You seem to be viewing this purely financially but I do feel for your Mum a bit. She works 6 days per week, 6¼ ish hours per day, and looks after children 7 days per week, willingly. Now you've completely removed that because she doesn't want to do an extra 45 minutes each night.

OP has no option but to remove that. If her mum can't do the extra 45 minutes, DD has to go to ASC. There's no other option for OP. It's not like her mum can do her usual amount of time and then take DD to someone else.

@Beautiful3

So youbused to okay her £25 per week but reduced it to £5 per week? But she's still picking up your child from school?! How's that fair?

She isn't. DD is going to have to go to ASC and DM is only having her one day. Have you even read the OP's posts?

@Loki01

If my Mum (and I dont have a good relationship with her at all) told me this I would just give her the money if I at all could. She did raise you and paid everything for you for many years...

OP is a single mum on UC and receives nothing from her ex. Come on now...

Ahh so it's reduced because she's only doing one day per week now. In that case, it is fair. She can't expect to keep a weeks worth of money, if she's only doing one day.

You don't say how old she is but she is an adult responsible for her own finances and living situation. You are not responsible for your mother. The only person you are responsible for is your daughter and giving your mother money is depriving your daughter. I cannot understand other people's viewpoint. From the perspective of a single independent woman in my 60s on a low income, I would never take a penny off my children.

@Mossstitch

You don't say how old she is but she is an adult responsible for her own finances and living situation. You are not responsible for your mother. The only person you are responsible for is your daughter and giving your mother money is depriving your daughter. I cannot understand other people's viewpoint. From the perspective of a single independent woman in my 60s on a low income, I would never take a penny off my children.

Yes, if anything I would be giving them money as my dm tends to do to me as an adult

@saraclara
Yet she doesn't say that would be impossible.

This is a sad situation all round. Both sides not having much to spare at the minute.

Have you spoken to your mum about the extra 45minutes since cancelling her? Are you offering her more money for the extra 45 minutes as presumably you will be paid more?