DM can't cope financially without me, WWYD?

[ChildcareHelpGrateful]

Situation: I’m a single parent with no help from ExH in the week. My mum helps with childcare and I do pay her a small amount for this (less than after school club but enough to cover her fuel and food for DD as she does live too far from DDs school to pick her up on foot).

Recently my manager asked me to work half an hour extra every day apart from 1 (the night DD has an after school activity, mum currently takes her to this and I pick DD up after it). I discussed it with mum but she wasn’t happy to have DD for another 45 minutes per day. So I booked ASC for 4 days and asked mum to carry on with the night DD has her activity.

I’ve obviously reduced my mums pay to reflect this so she now only gets a 5th of what I gave her before.

She’s just told me that she can’t manage without that money, at all but can’t take DD for those 45 minutes.

Mum works in the day, usually 6 days a week and I know gets no UC. I get a UC topup and once I start my new hours will be better off financially as UC will pay me back 85% of my childcare and I will be slightly better off from working the extra 2 hours a week. So even though childcare will cost me more than it does now I’ll get most of what I pay now back.

If I take that money away from her she’ll have to up her hours and work more but has said she’ll still cover the activity night as she helps my sibling and sibling in law with their DC at weekends.

So WWYD? I don’t want to set a precedence and help her out but also feel bad.

I think you should looked at it long term and do what’s best for you and your child financially, then figure out a way to help your mum get more money independently. Can you help her find a better job, or more hours, link her in to government support, charity services etc? It’s too precarious to have her relying on you for money and if losing £20 a week leaves her financially vulnerable then that’s dangerous as an older person moving forward.

I would be having a word with your sibling and see if you could both help your Mum out a little bit. My dh helps his Mum out a bit since his Dad died last June. She is over 80 and can care for herself but does not want to move out of her home.

I feel bad for you. My adult dd helps me financially, and practically. But in your mum's position, if I'd needed the money, I'd have taken on the extra minutes. I didn't have to help my parents - they were modestly well off and still helping me when I was single-parenting, but I do all my dad's housework and shopping now he's too old for that. I don't think our children should have to help financially. But it seems to be happening. I think you made a sensible practical decision and your mum overlooked the effect it would have on her income.

If she’s working 6 days a week, only feeding herself, presumably gets paid for weekend childcare, runs a car - how and why is she broke that she can’t cope without £20 a week - esp as a portion of that was spent in food for your DD and her petrol so she’s probably only £10 a week down.
It doesn’t make sense.
You say you’re £15 better off so maybe give her £10 for the day that she goes have DD?

If she is paying bedroom tax presumably she is on social rent which is quite a bit lower than market, so she may well be a bit trapped where she is housing wise.

It's a tough one. On the one hand, she's your mum. On the other hand, its not your responsibility to sort out the finances of another adult when you are presumably likely not rolling in it yourself.

She needs to be applying to swap/downsize asap. If her budget is tight now, electricity price hikes are going to hurt.

Has she got any prospect at all of better pay? Presumably at her age she is experienced in her job, many people manage to move off minimum wage and into supervisor roles etc when more experienced - any chance she can increase income that way?

@JustLyra

If she's renting and on UC has she looking into a discretionary housing payment to help with the shortfall? Obviously very dependant on circumstances, but worth looking into.

Councils won't give DHPs as anything more than a short term solution to under-occupation. OP's mum needs to look at downsizing if she wants to improve her financial situation. Is her home privately rented or through the council/housing association?

@FAQs

But you wasn’t paying her? You was covering her expenses (yours) and not actually covering her time.

This

You mother has a choice, do the extra 45minutes for you or not

She has chosen not, you have to find someone to look after your child, it now costs more, ok you get some of it back but you still have to c9ver childcare

I would be looking with your mother on why she can’t manage on her current income, and what she could do for that

I would offer £10 for the one day to help her out.

If shes going to struggle without the money, then she shouldnt have said she couldnt do the childcare you needed. She cant have it both ways

Does your sibling pay her anything for childcare?

It's clear that you can't afford to help her out, you receive UC for a reason.

Your Mum is an adult and needs to sort her finances out if she can't cope on say £10 less per week - you will be giving her £5 instead of £25 but she's not longer paying out for as fuel or food is she? So she's saying £10-£15 per week will be a massive financial issue.

Either she's in a massive financial mess or she's trying to bully you into what she wants for some reason.

OP "If I take that money away from her she’ll have to up her hours and work more but has said she’ll still cover the activity night as she helps my sibling and sibling in law with their DC at weekends."

So if she ends up working more, is it better to go back to her doing the extra time for you?

I'm not clear if she fully understood what would happen when you initially asked her.

No one's fault. Just thinking what would keep everyone afloat money wise.

Did your DM think that if she said no to the extra 45 minutes childcare, you would turn down the extra hours at work? It sounds like it to me. Presumably she just wanted to carry on as before, and didn't expect to lose the 'job' altogether.

Maybe when you said she could say no, she thought she could just keep the status quo.

I don't know what the answer is now, but I do know it doesn't involve you paying her for something she's not doing. Would she rethink doing the longer childcare one or two days a week? Does she need to find some extra work to make up the difference?

You are a single parent, that gets no CMS from your eXDH and you are being given UC for a reason.

You asked and she declined (which is her right) and now she’s complaining about not being able to survive without the money you give her…

OP, you need to put you and your daughter first. You can’t afford to give her that money per month and pay for ASC!

Unless I'm missing something surely if anything your mum is surely in a better financial position than you? Albeit still not a pleasant one.
If you have one child, no maintenance and work full time I can't imagine any benefit top ups actually cover the extra costs of having a child, compared to your mum with just herself to support. I'm not suggesting she's ok financially but I would suspect still in a better position than someone also raising a child. Whether you're on nmw or slightly over it wouldn't make any difference to your total income because the benefits would be adjusted.

Can you go over and have a proper chat? Is she in debt?

I would not pay her extra but I would suggest that perhaps she should speak to CAB about her financial situation. It is not tenable long term.

She needs to look at her finances as a whole , work out where she can cut back (house drop is a good idea) and whether she is entitled to any benefits.

Swop. Not drop

We don't discuss money, she never asked for money off me I offered and she accepted as I don't expect anyone to do my childcare for free.

I'm not sure if she's in debt, possibly. I think her house is Housing Assocation, but she won't move, she refuses to go smaller than 2 beds and actually wants a 3 bed. She's got a bigger place than me as I'm in a tiny 2 bed flat, and manage and there's 2 of us but she says her place is too small.

I agree downsizing would help her.

@Londoncallingme that 6 days still only adds up to 37 hours so a standard/slightly smaller than standard working week. The hours are just spread over 6 days instead of 5. If she is struggling she would be better off increasing hours or getting a second part time job, than the small amount she has been getting from childcare.

Could you start work 30 mins earlier?

@Fredstheteds

Could you start work 30 mins earlier?

@Fredstheteds then I'd need breakfast club for 45 minutes so the extra half hour doesn't make sense then financially.

Do you have a good relationship? You seem to be viewing this purely financially but I do feel for your Mum a bit. She works 6 days per week, 6¼ ish hours per day, and looks after children 7 days per week, willingly. Now you've completely removed that because she doesn't want to do an extra 45 minutes each night.

I don't think that you should feel bad at all for changing the childcare setup. However, if your mum's finances are as precarious as she suggests that they are can you perhaps as a one-off offer to help her to check she is claiming all benefits she is entitled too and perhaps help her to budget?

Or, as others have suggested, support her in going to the CAB to get some help as appropriate? Or even think about her work/whether she could get a job that pays better. (I've no idea what her situation is there.)

If this isn't appropriate for your and her relationship, perhaps think laterally is there any other way you can support her.