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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DM can't cope financially without me, WWYD?

158 replies

ChildcareHelpGrateful · 15/01/2022 19:00

Situation: I’m a single parent with no help from ExH in the week. My mum helps with childcare and I do pay her a small amount for this (less than after school club but enough to cover her fuel and food for DD as she does live too far from DDs school to pick her up on foot).

Recently my manager asked me to work half an hour extra every day apart from 1 (the night DD has an after school activity, mum currently takes her to this and I pick DD up after it). I discussed it with mum but she wasn’t happy to have DD for another 45 minutes per day. So I booked ASC for 4 days and asked mum to carry on with the night DD has her activity.

I’ve obviously reduced my mums pay to reflect this so she now only gets a 5th of what I gave her before.

She’s just told me that she can’t manage without that money, at all but can’t take DD for those 45 minutes.

Mum works in the day, usually 6 days a week and I know gets no UC. I get a UC topup and once I start my new hours will be better off financially as UC will pay me back 85% of my childcare and I will be slightly better off from working the extra 2 hours a week. So even though childcare will cost me more than it does now I’ll get most of what I pay now back.

If I take that money away from her she’ll have to up her hours and work more but has said she’ll still cover the activity night as she helps my sibling and sibling in law with their DC at weekends.

So WWYD? I don’t want to set a precedence and help her out but also feel bad.

OP posts:
violetbunny · 15/01/2022 19:29

What's the bigger picture of her finances here? Does she own/rent? Is she definitely claiming all the benefits she's entitled to? What's her plan for retirement?

DiscoGlitterBall · 15/01/2022 19:30

So what does she want? She can’t do what you asked (fair enough) and you need childcare for the extra hours and have made arrangements (fair enough). So far all good.

What she is upset about is losing the money so she is asking that you pay her for something that you no longer need (ridiculous) or you don’t do the extra hours (ridiculous if you want to do them).

Sadly this is the difficulty when you pay friends and family in these situations and need to change but they don’t want change.

Solution? Save a small amount each week and give her some cash for her birthday or Christmas 🤷🏼‍♀️). But there isnt a solution where it’s win-win.

caringcarer · 15/01/2022 19:31

You have not paid your Mum you simply covered the cost of fuel and food for dd. She has been caring for your dd to enable you to work and now she has told you she will struggle without that money. Why not pay her £10 for day she is having dd. You can't claim it back but your dd will enjoy seeing her Nan and it will be good continuity for her. Too many hours at ASC are exhausting for a child.

A4513 · 15/01/2022 19:34

You cannot afford to subsidize her or arrange yourself financially to go for what's best for her and not you.

I would be looking to simplify the relationship further after this. Time to pay for childcare and let gran be gran - mixing up finances in a fragile way like this long term is going to do both of you no favours.

And if she's working legally for minimum wage 6xdays a week, she may not need more cash, she may need help budgeting according to her situation... Like the rest of humanity. It's not your problem to solve how she organises her financial affairs.

Original poster
ChildcareHelpGrateful · 15/01/2022 19:36

@violetbunny

What's the bigger picture of her finances here? Does she own/rent? Is she definitely claiming all the benefits she's entitled to? What's her plan for retirement?
@violetbunny She works 37 hours a week across 6 days currently but will go up to 42 or more hours if she increases her hours.

She doesn't get UC because she rents a 2 bed house and lives alone so her work plus the bedroom tax cancel out UC for her apparently (I don't know enough about it to know).

So her wages have to cover; food, bills, fuel for work, fuel to get DD from school and to her activity. She doesn't have any pets or anything. Not sure what she earns but I'd guess NMW.

OP posts:
Bringonsummer19 · 15/01/2022 19:37

Have you got to the bottom around why your mum works 6 days a week and needs the £25, does she have debt you don’t know about? That would worry me more to know what’s going on

Boombastic22 · 15/01/2022 19:38

Your sibling can afford to pay a nanny (say £20 hour yes) and can’t give your mum £5 per week just so your mum is not financially in poverty.

WTAF?

Though presumably you mum can downsize her house?

WonderfulYou · 15/01/2022 19:38

I feel for you both.
But you need to put yourself and finances first.

I would encourage her to become a registered childminder.

Hankunamatata · 15/01/2022 19:38

Crikey our afterschool is £25 for 3-6pm.

Original poster
ChildcareHelpGrateful · 15/01/2022 19:39

@caringcarer

You have not paid your Mum you simply covered the cost of fuel and food for dd. She has been caring for your dd to enable you to work and now she has told you she will struggle without that money. Why not pay her £10 for day she is having dd. You can't claim it back but your dd will enjoy seeing her Nan and it will be good continuity for her. Too many hours at ASC are exhausting for a child.
@caringcarer because she can now only do the activity night. I need an extra 45 minutes per day childcare apart from the activity night and mum won't cover it on any night.

For clarity, the activity starts at 4.30pm so she actually gains about an hour on that night. School finishes at 3.30pm, so I'd be paying her £10 for 1 hour a weeks childcare? That's more than I pay for 3 hours a night at ASC which I can claim back.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 15/01/2022 19:39

If she's renting and on UC has she looking into a discretionary housing payment to help with the shortfall? Obviously very dependant on circumstances, but worth looking into.

Darbs76 · 15/01/2022 19:40

Not sure how much you pay her but if my mum was really struggling for money I’d want to help her out. That said she could continue to get the money from you by doing the extra time but sounds like she’s exhausted doing 6 days a week plus this

Original poster
ChildcareHelpGrateful · 15/01/2022 19:40

@Hankunamatata

Crikey our afterschool is £25 for 3-6pm.
@Hankunamatata I'm in the midlands if that makes any difference, it's actually one of the more expensive clubs around, most are £5-6 for 3 hours but it's at DDs school so there's her friends and she loves going the few times she's been.
OP posts:
HardbackWriter · 15/01/2022 19:41

You have not paid your Mum you simply covered the cost of fuel and food for dd. She has been caring for your dd to enable you to work and now she has told you she will struggle without that money

But these things can't both be true? If OP had only covered her mum's expenses then her mum would be no worse off not having her DD. Clearly she was 'profiting' - I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but OP was paying her.

Why has she said she can't do the extra 45 minutes? Is it that she actually can't, either because of another commitment or because it's just too much for her, or that she doesn't want to?

violetbunny · 15/01/2022 19:41

It sounds like she would be better off finding an after school childcare position or other position) that will give her enough hours then, and considering downsizing her flat to a single room. It seems crazy that one person is paying tax on a bedroom they don't strictly need when they're struggling to make ends meet, although I appreciate that swapping properties isn't that easy. However, how is she going to cope on retirement? If she will struggle to fund rent once she retires she might be better off to bite the bullet and downsize now.

Original poster
ChildcareHelpGrateful · 15/01/2022 19:43

@Darbs76

Not sure how much you pay her but if my mum was really struggling for money I’d want to help her out. That said she could continue to get the money from you by doing the extra time but sounds like she’s exhausted doing 6 days a week plus this
@Darbs76 ASC is £8 for 3 hours (3.30pm-6.30pm but I can pick up from 4pm, I usually get DD about 5.30-5.45pm from mum school I might be slightly earlier) so I give mum £5 a day.
OP posts:
Motnight · 15/01/2022 19:44

I think that you have made a reasonable decision Op and need to stick to it.

Your mum's finances are worrying.

ladygracie · 15/01/2022 19:45

If she can’t manage without the money from you then what you paid must have more than covered her expenses which is what some people are suggesting.
She will have fewer expenses now as she is only having your dd one day a week and you are paying her for that.

1AngelicFruitCake · 15/01/2022 19:47

I know you’ve quoted the hours and money but have I missed it where you’ve explained why your mum is struggling so much? Does your sibling help your mum financially at all? You seem to view it as a transaction (which I know it was) but as another poster said you don’t seem to have any emotional response to your mums situation.

Original poster
ChildcareHelpGrateful · 15/01/2022 19:47

@HardbackWriter

You have not paid your Mum you simply covered the cost of fuel and food for dd. She has been caring for your dd to enable you to work and now she has told you she will struggle without that money

But these things can't both be true? If OP had only covered her mum's expenses then her mum would be no worse off not having her DD. Clearly she was 'profiting' - I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but OP was paying her.

Why has she said she can't do the extra 45 minutes? Is it that she actually can't, either because of another commitment or because it's just too much for her, or that she doesn't want to?

@HardbackWriter She didn't say, and I didn't push as I didn't want to fall out with her, I just said "I've been asked to consider working until 5.30pm so you'd have (DD) until 6.15pm, it's ok for you to say no" and she said "No" so I arranged ASC, then she came back to me and said she couldn't cope financially, so assuming she wanted me to not take the hours.
OP posts:
woodhill · 15/01/2022 19:48

Do,what's best for you OP.

Why won't she do another 45 mins?

Presumably she's worn out?

BoredZelda · 15/01/2022 19:49

Surely if she will struggle with losing such a small amount of money in a month, she should be claiming UC

Beamur · 15/01/2022 19:52

You're Mum is being a bit unreasonable here. Refusing the extra time is fair enough, but she can't expect you to pay twice.
Can you be more generous with the amount you do pay for the evening she looks after DD?
It sounds like her financial issues are deeper than this though. If she's struggling to afford her home perhaps that needs looking at?

WhyYesYABU · 15/01/2022 19:52

I was going to say what @HardbackWriter said. Either you were just covering her expenses and therefore she won't be any worse off, or the £5 was making a difference.

I'm not really sure what to suggest. I feel sad that both of you are struggling so much that you even have to have these conversations.

Reallycantbesarsed · 15/01/2022 19:57

I find it incomprehensible that your poor Mum is so financially distressed that she can only make ends meet by earning £5 a day looking after her grandchild….am not having a go at you but WTF that people live so hand to mouth!
It makes the last few days of the government shitshow even harder to swallow!
I look after my granddaughter for 24 hrs a week and it wouldn’t even occur to me to charge my daughter…am shocked that this is what your Mum has to do as well as working full time !

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