Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving it all up

229 replies

strawhatblonde · 13/01/2022 22:07

New here.

Long story short - I met someone who lives in the USA. We met online been together over a year, we face time every single night for anything from 2-4 hours (7 is our record). We facetimed for 3 months and then he flew over here for 2 weeks and we fell madly in love. Then another 3 months facetime and he flew over again. Then another 3 months and I flew to the states etc...

We got engaged and I love this man. However I am posting on here because I need some unbiased advice from people who don't know me.

I am 35, I was married for 12 years but he passed away 5 years ago. I have two kids (12 and 6). I don't have any family apart from my brother (my family are toxic/abusive. My brother has severe learning difficulties and lives in supported housing with carers. I try to see him as much as I can). I worked really hard to rebuild my life. I have a career I love, friends I am extremely close to, and a house I own and love.

As much as I love DP, I don't know if moving over there is the right thing to do. Initially he was adamant he wouldn't move to the UK but now is warming to it. He rents his house in the states, has no kids, he works but his job is just a job to him, but he does have a big supportive loving family (who love me and the kids like their own!)

Time is of the essence for 2 reasons. Firstly, eldest child is in year 7 so moving much later makes it harder especially due to the differences in curriculum. Secondly, neither of us can afford the flying anymore simply due to covid tests and rising living costs. DP only gets 2 weeks annual leave (he got more last year because he changed jobs so his leave was refreshed).

I adore his family and would love to be a part of it. My kids would have grandparents doting on them and cousins to play with, extra people to love them. His family treat me so well and are really supportive of me and DP and the kids. The kids adore them. I would earn quadruple my salary over there if I worked. I'd have a lot of help with the kids (I have none atm) and I would have a good life.

However...

I own my house here outright. I love my career. I love my best friend. I worry for my brother. Since my gran died I've been visiting her best friends (because nobody else does) and I worry that they'd die while I was away (not in good health) and would miss my visits. It is a lot to give up moving away.

My kids are happy to move, they adore DP and his family.

But I don't want to make a bad decision because it's not like we can just come home... the time spent in the US would mean they lose their places in their schools (which are massively oversubscribed) and their education would be wasted (learning about US geography for example) so it's not like they could fit right back in. Getting a new job would take time...

I don't know if it's crazy to move or crazy to stay. My best friend's only concern is the cost of healthcare but this is manageable. She wants what's best for me but would obviously prefer me to stay.

Life is fast-paced here and stressful but I do love it. It's also expensive. I pay through the nose for after-school childcare because I have no family. I can't go out anywhere because I can't afford to pay a babysitter and I don't have family. So it's me and the kids 24/7. I work full time (up to 60 hours per week some weeks) and earn 21k, barely breaking even. Every single decision is on me as a solo parent. Being with DP would make life better and easier, and happier.

On the flipside, DP could work here relatively easily. I know it's a lot but the only thing he's giving up is his family, whom we could still fly over to see, but he sees them twice a month atm and speaks to them daily so they are close...

Should I expect him to move here? AIBU? or is he BU wanting me to move there?

OP posts:
EishetChayil · 13/01/2022 22:07

Move!

sunlovingcriminal · 13/01/2022 22:13

I'd move. I was an expatriate child. The other life skills that your children would gain are invaluable. Could you rent your house out and still have an affordable life?

haveagohero · 13/01/2022 22:17

OP, I am in a much similar position to you - although I can work in the US. Are you confident that you will get a visa? Something to consider is that you cannot work for the six months your application is being processed for a green card - can you afford this? The US is super expensive (but we are in Florida) and sadly these days you have to consider what your position would be if you separated. Would you stay/could you go back? My eldest is independent, and my youngest at boarding school, but I can't make the psychological shift in giving it all up in the UK. So I continue to to hedge my bets and say 'I'll make a decision soon', but it's been 18 months and I can't get past the idea of having nowhere to go if it all went wrong. It's so hard. What state would you be moving to? 60K here would not see you with a better standard of living than you have now

sarah20212021 · 13/01/2022 22:19

I don't think it's in your children's interests for you to move. A year isn't very long, particularly if you've only met in person on a few occasions and always in slightly novelty holiday mode? (Versus having to eg be aligned on kid discipline, taking the bins out etc.)

It'd be smoother for him to come here, and you could benefit from his friends and family during extended holidays. If in eg 5-10 years it's all going grand, your children will be older and more deeply attached to your partner, so you could relocate then if you wish.

Notimeforaname · 13/01/2022 22:26

No, not with kids. He moves here if anything.

Imagine you dragged them over there..it didn't work out..they've only met him what...3 times??
I think it's insane.

jrek · 13/01/2022 22:26

Could you fly over with the kids for the summer? Take some time off work? Just to trial it?

LouLou198 · 13/01/2022 22:28

I would go!

Corcory · 13/01/2022 22:33

I'd look into how he can get a visa to work here and live with you. With your combined wages you would be able to get a babysitter and get out on your own. You might even be able to go out with your BF whilst he looks after the kids and he can go out and make his own friends too. Life would be so much easier.

oviraptor21 · 13/01/2022 22:34

I don't think you know each other well enough to make such a life altering commitment either way.

Cocomarine · 13/01/2022 22:34

Absolutely no bloody way.
How many times have you been together? The “etc” is unclear. But it’s single fingers.
His family do not love your kids like their own! The most you can say is that they’re welcoming people keen to include them.
Saying you have a “record” 7 hour FaceTime makes you sound like my teenager.

You have children, so he needs to move to the UK. That doesn’t have to be permanent - as a couple, you can then move to the US (visas permitting) later. You need a REAL relationship with him before uprooting your family. Sounds like your a nurse with that kind of income plus the possibility to quadruple it there. So great, if you have options. But it’s not either or. Test your relationship in the UK, and only move when you have a tried and tested real relationship.

TheHoptimist · 13/01/2022 22:35

You met a year ago online
Your children have been to the USA multiple times so that they adore his family?

How?

SparklyLeprechaun · 13/01/2022 22:36

I'd only consider it if I had the green card and a job lined up. Moving abroad with kids to be completely dependent on a man you've known for a year and met a few times - no way.

AlexanderArnold · 13/01/2022 22:37

There is absolutely no way I would upend my life and my children's lives or expect someone else to move countries, for the sake of a relationship that has mostly existed online. No matter how much everybody appeared to adore each other in this situation.

Notimeforaname · 13/01/2022 22:37

I'm surprised all the people saying "yes uproot your children from all they know to move to another continent with a man they've met..3 times ? And his family they have met one?!
Utter madness.

Cocomarine · 13/01/2022 22:38

“Initially he was adamant he wouldn't move to the UK“ which tells you his level of commitment to the right decision for your children.

MomentToThink · 13/01/2022 22:38

Moving countries is really disruptive to kids’ emotional and educational development. There’s so much research on this. They say they’re happy to move but they don’t fully understand what it entails.

Hankunamatata · 13/01/2022 22:42

I'd want a job lined up before moving everything to the states, being financially independent. Would he agree to move here for a couple of years then you could move to states together?

phishy · 13/01/2022 22:42

I’d ask him to move here.

1 year is not long enough to uproot your life for someone.

You can always move in a couple of years’ time.

What is his financial situation? I’d be wanting to protect my assets for my kids.

BeetyAxe · 13/01/2022 22:44

I wouldn’t move in these circumstances. Your children need stability and your only guarantee of giving them that is by staying and protecting your own financial interests. The children can enjoy long holidays in the USA but you need to keep them here. I also think you’re underestimating the impact of leaving your brother, I think that would be much more difficult than you think.

Cocomarine · 13/01/2022 22:46

I think there’s a difference too in:

  • we talk a lot of the phone, and from what I’ve seen of him his family are lovely and welcoming
  • we’ve got a record 7 hours and his family love like their own!

The first sounds like a woman who’d make rational decisions. The second… doesn’t.

Moonface123 · 13/01/2022 22:54

Absolutely no way.
Be very careful, younger widows can attract scammers who dont give a toss what you or you family have been through, they just want your money.
He needs to come here, you've got alot more at stake if things don' t work out.
l would see how things work out here for now.

Cocomarine · 13/01/2022 22:59

@Moonface123

Absolutely no way. Be very careful, younger widows can attract scammers who dont give a toss what you or you family have been through, they just want your money. He needs to come here, you've got alot more at stake if things don' t work out. l would see how things work out here for now.
Indeed, nothing like life insurance paying off the mortgage to get a scammer excited. Please, be very careful here OP.
Chloemol · 13/01/2022 23:01

I wouldn’t move

It may sound exciting-to start with, but it will change. You haven’t actually lived together, how do you know it will work? You have only been on ho,I day, that’s not the same as living there full time. Families argue, they won’t be on your side then.

I would stay, he can come here, see if it works, he can FaceTime his family if he is that close to them, of he gets a job here he will have more holiday. I certainly wouldn’t be able to leave my brother in your instance

Talking on the phone /FaceTime or whatever is not the same as the humdrum of normal living

Then in a few years if you are still together and can get visas and move do it then

KeepingTheWormsQuiet · 13/01/2022 23:05

If you had no children and could work there then it would be fine to go as an adventure.

How are you planning to get a working visa? Are you planning to get married to get a visa? That's not easy even with a marriage. Then there is the extra expense of divorce if it doesn't work out. Can you afford to support yourself there while waiting for a visa?

What are you going to do with the house you own outright? That house provides security a lot of people don't have. I wouldn't sell it.

If he's so keen he could move to the UK. Can he get a working visa? Is he in a job where there is a shortage in the UK? You wouldn't want to end up supporting someone who can't work.

You have children. You need to put them first and not disrupt their lives for the sake of a fantasy.

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 13/01/2022 23:07

There's not a chance in hell that i would uproot my children for the sake of some bloke and give up all my, and their security. No. You can't possibly really know this man.

Swipe left for the next trending thread