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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Giving it all up

229 replies

strawhatblonde · 13/01/2022 22:07

New here.

Long story short - I met someone who lives in the USA. We met online been together over a year, we face time every single night for anything from 2-4 hours (7 is our record). We facetimed for 3 months and then he flew over here for 2 weeks and we fell madly in love. Then another 3 months facetime and he flew over again. Then another 3 months and I flew to the states etc...

We got engaged and I love this man. However I am posting on here because I need some unbiased advice from people who don't know me.

I am 35, I was married for 12 years but he passed away 5 years ago. I have two kids (12 and 6). I don't have any family apart from my brother (my family are toxic/abusive. My brother has severe learning difficulties and lives in supported housing with carers. I try to see him as much as I can). I worked really hard to rebuild my life. I have a career I love, friends I am extremely close to, and a house I own and love.

As much as I love DP, I don't know if moving over there is the right thing to do. Initially he was adamant he wouldn't move to the UK but now is warming to it. He rents his house in the states, has no kids, he works but his job is just a job to him, but he does have a big supportive loving family (who love me and the kids like their own!)

Time is of the essence for 2 reasons. Firstly, eldest child is in year 7 so moving much later makes it harder especially due to the differences in curriculum. Secondly, neither of us can afford the flying anymore simply due to covid tests and rising living costs. DP only gets 2 weeks annual leave (he got more last year because he changed jobs so his leave was refreshed).

I adore his family and would love to be a part of it. My kids would have grandparents doting on them and cousins to play with, extra people to love them. His family treat me so well and are really supportive of me and DP and the kids. The kids adore them. I would earn quadruple my salary over there if I worked. I'd have a lot of help with the kids (I have none atm) and I would have a good life.

However...

I own my house here outright. I love my career. I love my best friend. I worry for my brother. Since my gran died I've been visiting her best friends (because nobody else does) and I worry that they'd die while I was away (not in good health) and would miss my visits. It is a lot to give up moving away.

My kids are happy to move, they adore DP and his family.

But I don't want to make a bad decision because it's not like we can just come home... the time spent in the US would mean they lose their places in their schools (which are massively oversubscribed) and their education would be wasted (learning about US geography for example) so it's not like they could fit right back in. Getting a new job would take time...

I don't know if it's crazy to move or crazy to stay. My best friend's only concern is the cost of healthcare but this is manageable. She wants what's best for me but would obviously prefer me to stay.

Life is fast-paced here and stressful but I do love it. It's also expensive. I pay through the nose for after-school childcare because I have no family. I can't go out anywhere because I can't afford to pay a babysitter and I don't have family. So it's me and the kids 24/7. I work full time (up to 60 hours per week some weeks) and earn 21k, barely breaking even. Every single decision is on me as a solo parent. Being with DP would make life better and easier, and happier.

On the flipside, DP could work here relatively easily. I know it's a lot but the only thing he's giving up is his family, whom we could still fly over to see, but he sees them twice a month atm and speaks to them daily so they are close...

Should I expect him to move here? AIBU? or is he BU wanting me to move there?

OP posts:

Frollop · 14/01/2022 06:50

I forgot to mention my friend had a long distance relationship with a friend of her family, they had lovely holidays several times a year and then she married him and moved abroad.
He was cheating with his ex throughout...my friend divorced him and he married his ex. My friend stayed abroad as she likes the lifestyle but she misses her family and friends here.

Baileyscheesecake · 14/01/2022 06:52

Get him to move here while your kids are still at school with an agreement that once they are no longer dependent on you/at school that you will then reciprocate and spend an equal amount of time with him in the US. Then once you’ve both spent time in both countries make a decision on where you both want to settle. Your brother and best friend are as important to you as his family are to him and as you say it is a lot easier for him to relocate over here. If he’s not prepared to put your family’s needs ahead of his own then is he really the right person for you? Good luck.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/01/2022 06:54

Never in a million years would I uproot my kids lives for a man, and I'd question the relationship if he expected me to do that to be honest.

ouchmyfeet · 14/01/2022 06:54

He is of the opinion it’s a much better life over there.

Does he realise he'd get a minimum of 4 weeks A/L if he got a job in the UK?

I wouldn't move, you have far more to lose than he does if this doesn't work out. You have DC that you need to prioritise. If my mum had uprooted me from my friends, family and everyone I know for the sake of her love life I don't think I would have forgiven her as a teen/tween.

Darbs76 · 14/01/2022 06:55

No I wouldn’t move my kids. He could come to the U.K. and consider moving to the US when the kids are 18

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/01/2022 06:56

@ouchmyfeet

He is of the opinion it’s a much better life over there.

Does he realise he'd get a minimum of 4 weeks A/L if he got a job in the UK?

My mum did it to me and I've never fully forgiven her for it. It fucked my life up and I went off the rails. Got my shit together now but I wonder what my life would have been like if I'd had more stability as a teen.

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 14/01/2022 07:00

I wouldn't move. I grew up in the UK but spend a year in the US when I was at school. I cannot stress enough how different it is. The subjects, the way they learn, what they learn, how education is viewed and assessed, friendships, how friends are made, priorities, even what you have for lunch are all different. I was a complete outsider there who did very badly. Here, I did well and was popular. I love the US and I love visiting it, but there is no way I would choose for my kids to grow up there.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 14/01/2022 07:00

I agonised over moving my dc 40 miles away from their home with my oh I'd known for 4 years. Moving to a different continent with a man you barely know. Absolutely no way on this planet!

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/01/2022 07:03

The main thing is don’t burn your boats. You are very much at the honeymoon phase of your relationship. It all sounds great, but it may or may not turn into a long term relationship.

I think it’s in you and your kids best interests that you know the relationship will work before you move them. I’d want him to come here for 18 months to test that.

If it does, great - you can get move to the states (rent your UK house for a year till you are sure you like it). This also gives you time to sort out visas, work permits, hopefully agree a year sabbatical at work. If you moved to the US when you eldest was 13 she’d still have time to adapt to the system, and would still only be 14 if you came back. You could also look at international schools if you could afford it.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with making the jump and going to the states first if you want to, as long as you sort out all your paperwork, and are clear with the kids it’s just for a year initially.

LondonWolf · 14/01/2022 07:04

I’d get him to move here with the commitment that if it all works out you’ll seriously consider a move to the US after your kids finish their education.

SixDinners · 14/01/2022 07:07

I can see why you are desperate for this to work but it's all very romanticised. " adore" "madly in love" " love them like their own" etc. You don't actually know any of these people! Only snapshots, not in real life. Definitely do not move your kids over there. If he is as wonderful as you think, he can come here.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 14/01/2022 07:10

He needs to come here first so that you can trial living together without uprooting the kids, it would be too risky to move the kids out there before you’ve even tried living together.

If after a year living together things are still going well and he gets on with the kids etc that’s when you start to think about whether you all want to move to the US together. But it would be foolish to think of that before you’ve even trialled living together in the place the kids are settled.

tiredanddangerous · 14/01/2022 07:16

Uproot your dc for a man you've met 3 times? Hell no.

SleepQuest33 · 14/01/2022 07:19

It sounds like a big pull for you is the close extended family he appears to have in the USA.

Your family are your children. They are your priority.
One year in you are still in the honeymoon phase! The reality of day to day living together may be different.
Whatever you do please DO NOT sell your house!

If he is serious he needs to come to the UK and needs to work and look after himself.

Suretobe · 14/01/2022 07:20

I haven't read the whole thread so apols if I am repeating someone else's advice. But look at cost of living carefully. Fixed costs in the US can be very high - health care in particular - which can very quickly make the salary increase not such an exciting draw.
I'm with everyone else that he should come over to the UK. If he his feelings for you are genuine and deep he would see that is the obvious way to build your relationship.

Elsielouise13 · 14/01/2022 07:22

How can you know him truly if you have in reality only met a few times?

What about hard times, illness, work problems, the difficulties of life? He doesn’t have children you do. The risk would be too high for me to take for my children’s long term security and happiness.

At least you need to set up an interim situation you can get out of.

I say this as someone who was adamant I loved my then partner 20 years ago, living in Aus, couldn’t live without him yada yada.

We had met IRL, been together three years. I had to leave cos of my visa OR get married - but we both felt too young for that commitment. Logistics were awful and it was all very sad.

Much water and many bridges.. I would have a coffee with him now but my life hasn’t stopped without him. And he was a decent guy. My point being you may think he’s the love of your life. But life goes on and sometimes love isn’t everything.

Your children’s security must come first and every ‘what if’ should be considered before you take even the first steps.

The world is full of people who will tell you they’ll give you the world to get what they want. Not saying this is the case for you but you talk about loving his family, them loving you etc

They don’t love you like their own. I’d bet money if they had to pick a side they would. Sorry.

stayathomer · 14/01/2022 07:38

So sorry but you have so much more to lose than he does. I definitely don't think you should make such a huge move, I'm thinking mostly of your kids, brother and all the people you help, also the Visa thing people mention above. Best of luck op

Overitallnow · 14/01/2022 07:52

How can you possibly know this after a year when people were unable to travel due to covid? He's not your DP, he's some bloke you talk to online. Think about your kids for goodness sake.
Also, you cannot just move to the US, it doesn't work like that.

Peppermint81 · 14/01/2022 08:04

Stay. It can be temporary, he only rents and can easily get a job here.

See how you get on living together etc if all going well you can consider moving over there is few years, 5 years, 10 years etc or if he doesn't like it he can easily go back.

You have a lot to give up and he doesn't.

Colderthanever · 14/01/2022 08:13

I think that as it seems this has been a year and you’ve only met this man on three visits I’d not be upheaving your childrens life like this. All the words of love, how your kids love him, how his family love them, how you’d love to be part of his family, is all very excessive, you hardly know these people. It sounds like you have both got carried away in a fantasy. Even the fact that you can earn so much there, like it’s easy.

If you need to do anything then he should come here and rent a seperate property and you get to know each other properly.

It would be different if it was just you throwing it all away for some bloke, but very different to bring your children into it, give everything up, and I think uou know that.

DressingPafe · 14/01/2022 08:17

Happyday makes some very valid points about immigration. It isn’t as simple as he moves here or you move there. There are so many expensive hoops to jump through. Have either of you researched that fully? You would need to be earning more than you are for him to be able to come here. I’d wager they’re even stricter in the States.

I’ve had a taste of this in the past with a foreign partner and it was hell. The expense, the stress, and he wasn’t allowed to stay in the end. For that reason I would never become romantically involved with someone from abroad again, unless they already had full rights to be here.

I suggest you research all the rules fully before you think any further. At a minimum you’re going to have to get married. To someone you barely know. Who will then have a claim on your home, your children's inheritance.

Tal45 · 14/01/2022 08:27

He needs to move here. Whatever you do please don't sell your house. This has potential disaster written all over it - you've met 3 times. You and your kids need the stability of being here and owning your own home. Please don't marry him until you have lived together for a couple of years.

If he wouldn't at first consider moving when he doesn't own his own house and doesn't have a job he cares about but expected you and your children to be uprooted from their whole lives you have to question just how great he really is IMO.

Harlequin1088 · 14/01/2022 08:31

Move. You’ll regret it if you don’t.

HollowTalk · 14/01/2022 08:34

You don't seem to be factoring in visas into this do you? Do you realise how hard it is to get a green card or for him to get a Visa to work here?

I'm not sure why he thinks the cost of living and so on is better there where you have a house here and he doesn't have one here. Also think of medical insurance. Do you realise how much that would cost over there? Also think of university, if your kids want to do that.

If he isn't prepared to make the effort then that tells you everything.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 14/01/2022 08:36

@Harlequin1088

Move. You’ll regret it if you don’t.

What's to say she won't regret it if she did move? The stakes are much higher

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