Giving it all up

[strawhatblonde]

New here.

Long story short - I met someone who lives in the USA. We met online been together over a year, we face time every single night for anything from 2-4 hours (7 is our record). We facetimed for 3 months and then he flew over here for 2 weeks and we fell madly in love. Then another 3 months facetime and he flew over again. Then another 3 months and I flew to the states etc...

We got engaged and I love this man. However I am posting on here because I need some unbiased advice from people who don't know me.

I am 35, I was married for 12 years but he passed away 5 years ago. I have two kids (12 and 6). I don't have any family apart from my brother (my family are toxic/abusive. My brother has severe learning difficulties and lives in supported housing with carers. I try to see him as much as I can). I worked really hard to rebuild my life. I have a career I love, friends I am extremely close to, and a house I own and love.

As much as I love DP, I don't know if moving over there is the right thing to do. Initially he was adamant he wouldn't move to the UK but now is warming to it. He rents his house in the states, has no kids, he works but his job is just a job to him, but he does have a big supportive loving family (who love me and the kids like their own!)

Time is of the essence for 2 reasons. Firstly, eldest child is in year 7 so moving much later makes it harder especially due to the differences in curriculum. Secondly, neither of us can afford the flying anymore simply due to covid tests and rising living costs. DP only gets 2 weeks annual leave (he got more last year because he changed jobs so his leave was refreshed).

I adore his family and would love to be a part of it. My kids would have grandparents doting on them and cousins to play with, extra people to love them. His family treat me so well and are really supportive of me and DP and the kids. The kids adore them. I would earn quadruple my salary over there if I worked. I'd have a lot of help with the kids (I have none atm) and I would have a good life.

However...

I own my house here outright. I love my career. I love my best friend. I worry for my brother. Since my gran died I've been visiting her best friends (because nobody else does) and I worry that they'd die while I was away (not in good health) and would miss my visits. It is a lot to give up moving away.

My kids are happy to move, they adore DP and his family.

But I don't want to make a bad decision because it's not like we can just come home... the time spent in the US would mean they lose their places in their schools (which are massively oversubscribed) and their education would be wasted (learning about US geography for example) so it's not like they could fit right back in. Getting a new job would take time...

I don't know if it's crazy to move or crazy to stay. My best friend's only concern is the cost of healthcare but this is manageable. She wants what's best for me but would obviously prefer me to stay.

Life is fast-paced here and stressful but I do love it. It's also expensive. I pay through the nose for after-school childcare because I have no family. I can't go out anywhere because I can't afford to pay a babysitter and I don't have family. So it's me and the kids 24/7. I work full time (up to 60 hours per week some weeks) and earn 21k, barely breaking even. Every single decision is on me as a solo parent. Being with DP would make life better and easier, and happier.

On the flipside, DP could work here relatively easily. I know it's a lot but the only thing he's giving up is his family, whom we could still fly over to see, but he sees them twice a month atm and speaks to them daily so they are close...

Should I expect him to move here? AIBU? or is he BU wanting me to move there?

No, no, no. In reality you barely know this man. Do not uproot your children and sacrifice your financial security for him. There is no time pressure except the one in your head. Everything practical can be worked out. Your kids come first. He can come here. Do not gamble with their stability.

The more I read your posts the more I despair. You actually think your children at 6 and 12 years old have the critical thinking to make these kind of decisions? Be a damn grown up and put them ahead of your love life. I don't care if I'm being "harsh", I was the child in your scenario and it's messed my life up.

Thanks for the replies. I think like i think I I said in the original post I’m just looking for someone to confirm what I already think - that I shouldn’t move.

I think the pull for me is having the family support and family feeling because I’ve never had that.

I’m not sure how he can move here and rent, I’m sure it’s possible but I think he would want to live together. We will have to work this out.

I don’t think my kids decision would be taken at word - they’re just happy to be with me, I don’t think they understand the significance of moving, their only concern is being with me as we’re very close. I wouldn’t move just because they said they wanted to… I’m not stupid

Neither of us planned on meeting a foreigner so it’s all new and complicated

I know it's hard for you to see but you're not acting in the best interests of your kids as you're all starry eyed and love struck (comes across clearly in your posts).
In reality, to us impartial readers, you have met this man 3 times. 3 times. You have not even lived together. Moving your family would be crazy.
If he's serious he'll move to you.

My mom was you, 20-odd years ago. Met a man online, phoned and emailed regularly, met face to face once, got engaged and moved us to England to live with him. I thought it was a bit of a lark at the time (teen naivety) but she actually completely disrupted the course of my life and leaving the States meant I ended up walking away from a free degree (I had a "free ride" offer from a state University).

Now, I'm settled here, but looking back it was absolutely bonkers of her to do that. We were utterly and completely dependent on a stranger, basically. My high-school education wasn't easily translated here and I ended up never going to uni. I would never, ever do this to my own DC.

Even after living here for longer than I have in the States, I still feel like a fish out of water and don't quite fit in. It's part of who I now and I don't dwell on it, but emigrating with children changes their lives permanently.

I think if anyone moves, it needs to be him coming here.

Your children have lost their father (I presume?) which is tragic and will no doubt have had a huge impact on them. They are settled in schools,with friends and a secure home.

To uproot them to another continent, in my opinion, would be very unfair. The US education system is very different, so that is something to consider.

I'm.sorry that you lost your husband and I can understand you wanting to build a life with a new partner, but I think it needs to be based around your life here.

Definitely do not move. Please think of you me children and yourself and prioritise them over a relationship with someone you don't really know.

Tbh spending hours on FaceTime sets alarm bells for me anyway.

Sorry OP I wish you happiness but I'd take things very slowly and not make any major changes.

If he comes here first to live with you, and it works out fine. I'd plan on moving there for when the oldest starts US high school not UK high school. First grade is age 5 final year of high school is 17/18 high school is 4 years. So you have time before needing to move over.
Lots of kids move s cool districts for high school, so there will be other new kids.
Dh moved there for first year of high school his sisters were younger. All did well.

@strawhatblonde

Thanks for the replies. I think like i think I I said in the original post I’m just looking for someone to confirm what I already think - that I shouldn’t move.

I think the pull for me is having the family support and family feeling because I’ve never had that.

I’m not sure how he can move here and rent, I’m sure it’s possible but I think he would want to live together. We will have to work this out.

I don’t think my kids decision would be taken at word - they’re just happy to be with me, I don’t think they understand the significance of moving, their only concern is being with me as we’re very close. I wouldn’t move just because they said they wanted to… I’m not stupid

Neither of us planned on meeting a foreigner so it’s all new and complicated

OP, respectfully, you didn’t say you wanted people ‘to confirm what you already knew’ — that you shouldn’t move — in your first post. You said that in a later post, after large numbers of posters had told you it would be unwise and irresponsible, and you backtracked somewhat.

Your actual OP asked was it ‘crazy to go or crazy to stay’, debated both sides, said your best friend was only worried about the cost of US healthcare, and talked about how ‘time was of the essence’ because of your older child’s education and because neither you nor your fiancé could afford to keep flying in for visits.

I think people’s replies have been as strong as they have because you initiallyseemed genuinely open to the idea of moving your children to the US for a man you don’t yet know, and because you agreed to marry him after a few widely-spaced holiday visits, despite the fact he was at the beginning ‘adamant he wouldn’t move to the UK’.

You’re now doing a version of the same ‘now or never, make or break’ thinking about how, even if he moved to the UK, he wouldn’t be able to rent his own place and would ‘expect’ to live with you. Again, would you really move a man you’ve only met a few times in with your children? And what does it say about him if he ‘expects’ to move straight in with you because he’s grudgingly agreed to move to the UK?

If he doesn't understand that it's really inappropriate to move in with young children he barely knows, he is not cut out to be a stepfather

The only thing i disagree is “you don’t know him”. I understand because we haven’t physically spent a lot of time together that it is different if we do.

However we spend more time together than most couples, we do nothing but talk. We have talked more than the “real life” couples I know. Most people don’t sit there for hours and hours every night talking, no tv, nothing else. I’ve seen him in every kind of mood etc

However my kids have not. And I do appreciate that because they’re in bed when we talk they don’t even have that. So I do agree moving him in would be crazy.

I’ll talk about it with him tonight, it’s all a bit overwhelming at the moment.

I do appreciate all the advice.

@strawhatblonde, but talking as you do (one-on-one, both in your own home environments with no one else around), is very much removed from both your daily realities. You haven’t seen one another enraged and stuck in traffic when late, scrambling to get out the door in the morning or how you are getting in after a day at work where nothing went right, interacting with friends, managing money, parenting (in your case) or disciplining your children, dealing with conflict etc etc.

I’d also be wondering what the other person would normally have been doing in the 2 to 4 hours (or 7!) of nightly FaceTiming — have they given up friends, hobbies, sleep?

Perhaps we can say you know him in a vacuum. You know him in this Facetime cocoon that you've built. But you won't truly know him until you spend much more time together and you see him in everyday life.

I'd 100% move!

I have moved countries a few times, once for a man and other times for fun / my career, so I am not speaking from a position of ignorance. Do not move over there. You, or more rightly, your children, would be the ones assuming all the risk. If things didn't work out his life would be exactly the same, yours would be in tatters and your childrens' education would be massively disrupted.

You say he didn't want to move to the UK because if you moved back to the US you'd 'start with nothing'. He's already starting from nothing! He rents, doesn't care about his job, and $60k is really not a high salary in the US, unless he lives in a rural backwater. You keep talking about how poor you are, so I'm sure the pull of his family support and a second wage coming into the house is very tempting, but you own your own house. That's a huge asset.

In the same message you wrote:
Break up? We are planning on getting married!
And
the house is mine (he doesn’t automatically get rights to it until he’s lived here a certain length of time or we marry

Why would you consider marriage in this situation when you have so much to lose? You'd be giving this random guy who you barely know rights to your house, your children's inheritance. The entire thing is madness.

You don't know him, despite all your protestations of hours on Facetime. It's not the same as real life, it's just not. You are in the 'crazy in love' honeymoon stage, which is fun and exciting, but it's not real life. Plus who has 2 hours a day to spend on facetime? He isn't trapped in the house by sleeping children. That's a sign that somebody has no life at all, and another glaring red flag.

One of my relatives moved to the US after meeting their spouse online. It was the same as you, with snatched visits and hours of Skype calls, protestations of love and a quickie wedding in Vegas because 'we just need to be together'. Now said relative is stuck living in the boonies in a flyover state, in a desperately unhappy marriage, which they can't leave for various family and financial reasons. If you were young, free and single (like your boyfriend is) then sure, go ahead, it's an adventure. But you personally have far too much to lose.

@Roosk I have seen him in all of those situations to be fair.

With the time difference and his job role I’ve often seen him ranting in traffic or running late, seen him in all kinds of moods and when he’s getting home etc.

In all honesty he doesn’t do much other than work. He sees his family and he sees his friends but they live an hour away in opposite directions.

I still see my friends just as much as I always have, I just call him at a different time or for less length when I’m with friends. But then I have more friends than he does and I’m closer to my friends than he is to his.

We basically live our lives while on FaceTime, we talk while he makes his tea (which is 10/11pm to me so kids in bed) for example

But I have taken it all on board and I won’t be moving there. Whether or not he moves here is up to him

How did you see him ranting in the car ?

Absolutely do not move a man you have met only 3 times into your home with your young DC. No matter how well you think you know him from the calls, you just don't.

I don't think your moving yourself and your children to USA would be a good idea.
Too many unknowns and potential upsets for both you and them.
Perhaps he could come over to UK at some point, and see how you all got on irl.
You, and they have too much to lose, imho, if you don't proceed with all caution at this point.

How much time have you actually spent with him? How many days or weeks together?

Seen him ranting at traffic because he’s a driver, him and another trucker take it in turns to drive. He hates traffic whether he’s driving or passenger. Seen him getting home from work as he used to call me as he was putting his key in the door lol til he changed jobs and the new job hours changed slightly. Also, he was working some of the time while I was there so I’ve seen him come home from work.

We’ve spent about 2.5 months together total, over 3 trips. My trips are longer as I obviously have more annual leave.

Granted 2.5 months is not a long time.

However how else would it ever work unless someone moved.

I can’t take a year out to try it because I have kids, wouldn’t be able to get them back into their schools if I had to come back. Also wouldn’t have a job or money to come back to.

He can potentially try it for a year as it’s much easier for him to get a new job. He also has savings and a supportive family he can stay with while he looks for a new house.

It’ll either be him moving here on a trial or him moving here permanently.

Also when I said he wouldn’t want to move here because he’d have to start again from scratch if he went back / that is true if wr all wanted to go over there together. We’d be starting with nothing

You wouldn’t be starting with nothing. You’d start your visa process, and when the timescale was sufficiently progressed, he’d go back alone and sort out a new job for him, and a rental property near to good schools and where you find work. You’d only go over when it wasn’t “nothing”.

Can’t believe that a mum would even consider this after a year of knowing someone and seeing each other for not that long.

I wouldn’t even want him in my house with my children after so little time let alone pack up and leave the country with him.

I can see how easily women get scammed now though.

Don’t do it.

Ok so it would be difficult for him to come here on his own on a work visa, he's not qualified to drive lorries here and they are only doing these weird short-term schemes.

You are really unlikely to get a spouse visa even if you get married, and you would have to live together immediately which is not a great idea for your kids.

This may just be a case where the realities of immigration and family responsibilities means the relationship can't really progress, I'm sorry but this is so common in expat LDRs.

Would not be worth the risk for me I'm afraid. Just you...fine do as you like, but with 2 young children, would you really have him move in?
I'm with the many PP who say you don't know him. Because you don't.