Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Giving it all up

229 replies

strawhatblonde · 13/01/2022 22:07

New here.

Long story short - I met someone who lives in the USA. We met online been together over a year, we face time every single night for anything from 2-4 hours (7 is our record). We facetimed for 3 months and then he flew over here for 2 weeks and we fell madly in love. Then another 3 months facetime and he flew over again. Then another 3 months and I flew to the states etc...

We got engaged and I love this man. However I am posting on here because I need some unbiased advice from people who don't know me.

I am 35, I was married for 12 years but he passed away 5 years ago. I have two kids (12 and 6). I don't have any family apart from my brother (my family are toxic/abusive. My brother has severe learning difficulties and lives in supported housing with carers. I try to see him as much as I can). I worked really hard to rebuild my life. I have a career I love, friends I am extremely close to, and a house I own and love.

As much as I love DP, I don't know if moving over there is the right thing to do. Initially he was adamant he wouldn't move to the UK but now is warming to it. He rents his house in the states, has no kids, he works but his job is just a job to him, but he does have a big supportive loving family (who love me and the kids like their own!)

Time is of the essence for 2 reasons. Firstly, eldest child is in year 7 so moving much later makes it harder especially due to the differences in curriculum. Secondly, neither of us can afford the flying anymore simply due to covid tests and rising living costs. DP only gets 2 weeks annual leave (he got more last year because he changed jobs so his leave was refreshed).

I adore his family and would love to be a part of it. My kids would have grandparents doting on them and cousins to play with, extra people to love them. His family treat me so well and are really supportive of me and DP and the kids. The kids adore them. I would earn quadruple my salary over there if I worked. I'd have a lot of help with the kids (I have none atm) and I would have a good life.

However...

I own my house here outright. I love my career. I love my best friend. I worry for my brother. Since my gran died I've been visiting her best friends (because nobody else does) and I worry that they'd die while I was away (not in good health) and would miss my visits. It is a lot to give up moving away.

My kids are happy to move, they adore DP and his family.

But I don't want to make a bad decision because it's not like we can just come home... the time spent in the US would mean they lose their places in their schools (which are massively oversubscribed) and their education would be wasted (learning about US geography for example) so it's not like they could fit right back in. Getting a new job would take time...

I don't know if it's crazy to move or crazy to stay. My best friend's only concern is the cost of healthcare but this is manageable. She wants what's best for me but would obviously prefer me to stay.

Life is fast-paced here and stressful but I do love it. It's also expensive. I pay through the nose for after-school childcare because I have no family. I can't go out anywhere because I can't afford to pay a babysitter and I don't have family. So it's me and the kids 24/7. I work full time (up to 60 hours per week some weeks) and earn 21k, barely breaking even. Every single decision is on me as a solo parent. Being with DP would make life better and easier, and happier.

On the flipside, DP could work here relatively easily. I know it's a lot but the only thing he's giving up is his family, whom we could still fly over to see, but he sees them twice a month atm and speaks to them daily so they are close...

Should I expect him to move here? AIBU? or is he BU wanting me to move there?

OP posts:
Adeleskirts · 14/01/2022 10:55

Most people rent over there apparently

No they don’t. It’s the same percentage as the uk. Did he tell you that? He either doesn’t know or he’s lying, I’m sorry. But home ownership over there is like here, approx 65 percent. Are you sure he is financially stable?

ThreeLittleDots · 14/01/2022 10:57

it's like it all got too much and he backtracked

Sounds like cold feet. Wait it out and don't make any decisions. You obviously can't force him to move here for a while and he also shouldn't be leaning on you to move there either.

GlitterBiscuits · 14/01/2022 11:04

I don't think life is better in the US.
There have been lots of threads on MN over the years.
Racism
No health service, poor sick leave, holiday leave, maternity leave.
Car culture
Gun Ownership

And even if the USA was all milk and honey I'd say you have too much to lose by moving there.
He could move here and if it works out you could move to the US for the children to go to college.

His reaction wasn't the one I'd expect of a man with little permanence who was head over heals with you

Bin85 · 14/01/2022 11:05

Whereabouts is he based?

CocktailNapkin · 14/01/2022 11:09

The ultimate test for any long distance cross-border relationship is the visa and moving situation. There is no "living together" visa so he has to either qualify on his own or you have to marry him and even that would be challenged due to lack of relationship durability. And let's say yes, he can qualify, is he going to be willing to put up for the costs, the time, the application stress?

And once he gets here, you ARE his support system - a lot of people can't take the loneliness, confusion over a new way of life, finding a new job, fitting in with a strange accent. If he has that tight knit of a family he probably hasn't ever moved far and maybe doesn't have the coping skills to undertake a long-distance move. That would stress any relationship, never mind a relatively new one.

I've moved back and forth multiple times between the US/UK and EU and its never been easy, never been cheap, and something never goes right.

You actually have more assets in this relationship - a house owned outright and what sounds like a transferable career that would pay well anywhere else, especially post Covid, and without being tied to a man. Don't get starry-eyed about his big extended family, you don't know their background and its easy to look and act a certain way for a few hours without full emotional commitment. Protect what you have for the long term and give this relationship a bit more time to develop.

dreamingbohemian · 14/01/2022 11:13

OP I think you know what the right thing to do is. I totally understand how the big lovely family would be tempting but deep down you know it's a bad idea to move over.

If you need another reason, your children would lose eligibility for home fee status for UK universities, and US universities are crazy expensive.

What kind of work does he do? They have updated the shortages lists, could he get a work visa?

I think you definitely need to spend a lot more time physically together before getting married and making permanent plans about moving.

dreamingbohemian · 14/01/2022 11:14

@Adeleskirts

Most people rent over there apparently

No they don’t. It’s the same percentage as the uk. Did he tell you that? He either doesn’t know or he’s lying, I’m sorry. But home ownership over there is like here, approx 65 percent. Are you sure he is financially stable?

There are parts of the US where everyone DOES rent, mostly big cities where housing costs are insane. There is nothing weird about this.
dreamingbohemian · 14/01/2022 11:16

Also I agree that even if you meet the income requirements, you are unlikely to get a spouse visa for him because the Home Office will not consider your relationship legitimate if you've only met in person three times. You need to be together much longer and spend much more time together.

GuardsGuards · 14/01/2022 11:19

We've moved a lot, all over the country and abroad but once the eldest started secondary school that stopped as we felt that moving at this time would be detrimental to their education.
In your position I wouldn't move and certainly not to the US. He should move.

Roosk · 14/01/2022 11:20

He does earn good money over there, and rents out of choice. Most people rent over there apparently. He earns at least triple what I earn. However his job isn't his passion and he could easily do the same job here.

Ironically when we talked about this last night and I asked what was keeping him in the US, when we list his vs mine it is almost ridiculous to consider me moving.

I am annoyed because he was the one saying we could visit his family, he could sell his car and give up his house and job... then it's like it all got too much and he backtracked and wants me there "for a better life"

Do you have documented proof of his earnings being triple yours? I ask because his declaration about most Americans renting is as a pp said completely inaccurate -- did you say he was in his 40s? This

www.statista.com/statistics/1036066/homeownership-rate-by-age-usa/

suggests that just under 70% of US 45 to 54 year olds own their home s-- would make me wonder what other guff he's feeding you.

And that is one of they key reasons why you simply can't know someone when you've spent only a tiny bit of time in the flesh together -- phone or Skype or WhatsApp conversations don't necessarily reflect their socio-economic reality.

(The other thing I noticed is that you say he can't afford to keep flying to the UK to see you? Why not? I get that he gets minimal annual leave, but you said he can't afford to. Surely he must have comparatively few outgoings if he lives in his parents' basement, has no children, and earns triple your salary?)

And as other posters have said, in no circumstances would a man who really had you and your children's best interests at heart insist that you should be the ones to move to the US.

I get that his Waltons-style family is making you feel bad you don't have a big extended family to love your children, but that's your own desire to give your children the best life you can think of talking, and is not a reason to move to another continent.

Malkukupad · 14/01/2022 11:24

Moving to the US and being dependent on an, albeit apparently kind man, is:

  • Naive
  • Irresponsible
  • Selfish

I'm nor trying to be rude OP but you don't know this man, even though you feel you love him. But that's not the point, it's an incredibly bad idea to leave your and your kids' lives behind and go to the US where healthcare only exists for those who work, you'd have few rights, lose your support network in the UK and anyways, is this super duper nice man unable to find a partner in the whole of the US?

Hmm
dreamingbohemian · 14/01/2022 11:33

The home ownership rate is only 30-40% in places like New York, DC and San Francisco. What a weird thing to get suspicious about.

Butchyrestingface · 14/01/2022 11:41

but he does have a big supportive loving family (who love me and the kids like their own!)

How many times have they met your kids?

neverbeenskiing · 14/01/2022 11:53

I am annoyed because he was the one saying we could visit his family, he could sell his car and give up his house and job... then it's like it all got too much and he backtracked and wants me there "for a better life"

I don't blame you for being annoyed. He wants you to uproot your life, not to mention your DC's lives, and slot nicely into his. Of course he does, that way all the commitment and risk is on your end. In that scenario he stands to lose absolutely nothing if it doesn't work out. But he's trying to make out that he's only thinking of you and that it will be a "better life" for you. I would find that patronising and rather cowardly to be honest.

Amelion · 14/01/2022 11:56

I think he should move here, you spend a year or two living together and see if it works. Then reassess and move to the US if things are going well. Like others have said meeting a few times in person doesn’t meant things will work out in reality - the day to day living together, chores, shared parenting, it’s very different from visiting each other for a week or two.

Motnight · 14/01/2022 12:05

I wouldn't be moving my family for a relationship of around a year that has been conducted primarily on line.

It's all really fast. Of course it's fab now it's the honeymoon phase.

Dumblebum · 14/01/2022 12:45

I don’t think I’d be moving a man who was a virtual stranger into my home if I had kids. I get you both talk a lot on video, but real life is very different and you’ve only really had three in the flesh visits.

As he doesn’t really like his job, has no kids and no real assets, he should come here and rent if he’s serious about you, and then if it works look to move in. But you don’t know him well enough in real life to move him in with your kids. I know it feels like you do due to the video calls but you don’t.

BookFiend4Life · 14/01/2022 13:29

OP if he's a high earner he should be able to bring some money with him to support himself, why would you be footing the bill? What does he do (this high paying job that is not a career) and where is he based? I'm not sure he should move to you if you're going to struggle to support him and are already working 60 hours!

Original poster
strawhatblonde · 14/01/2022 14:03

A lot to reply to so sorry if I miss anything or don’t tag the posters

He doesn’t live in his mums basement, he rents his own place, what I said was if he moved here and it didn’t work he can move back to the states and live in his mums basement while he looks for a new place, sorry for the mixup

He earns about 60k, I’ve seen his tax return and a couple of his pay cheques because he was settling his car finance while I was there. It’s a good income and he does have savings (albeit not a lot but definitely more than me which is zero lol)

I’ve suggested to him he comes here for a year or so, see how it goes, save some money and then make plans.

It’s either that or breakup because I don’t want to keep doing the travel and I can’t afford it, plus he can’t travel due to no vacation time

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 14/01/2022 14:06

Talking isn't how you find out who people really are. Quite the opposite. You see who people really are by their actions, when they're under pressure. You know who he is at his best, but have no idea beyond that. Again, the way you talk about knowing him so well is redolent with the romance of this honeymoon period, which is lovely, but nothing to base a big lifestyle risk on. I'm glad that at least you're strongly favouring him coming here (and hopefully ruling out you and the DC going there). His backtracking at the idea of him being the one to uproot is the first glimpse of what I'm talking about - who he really is when push comes to shove. It's easy to declare undying love on Facetime or on a holiday, but not so much to make an actual real life sacrifice to be together. His talk of you all going there "for a better life" smacks of "for an easier life" for him and shows his total disregard/lack of understanding of how much more complicated your commitments are. It's a sign that he prioritises himself, so take note of it as you adjust from the fantasy him to the man you might have to live with.

Dragongirl10 · 14/01/2022 14:14

I think it would be incredibly selfish to take your children away from school family and friends, you don't know him very well!
This relationship could fall apart easily.

He should come over, live independently of you, ( no way should your young children have a strange man foisted on them in their home)
Get a job and date you gradually getting to know each other in REAL LIFE!
If it fails he can easily move back, and your children's lives have not changed.

forinborin · 14/01/2022 14:36

To sponsor him to live here, I would only need to earn £18,600 - I have looked into it. So I earn enough on paper. In reality another mouth to feed would be tricky unless he worked (which he would once allowed)
I think you also need to add several thousands for every dependant you have, somewhere around £6K for two children if I remember correctly.
And, OP, $60K in the US is not a good salary, unless he's somewhere really remote and rural. It's not a mortgage territory.

LuaDipa · 14/01/2022 14:38

I think your instinct is absolutely right. He should move here in the first instance, and if things work out you could look to move over there in a few years.

I absolutely would not move my children to another continent to be with a man that had not lived with us. Stick to your guns, you are absolutely right that you have more to lose.

Maximum71 · 14/01/2022 14:41

Try it. But keep your house. You can always move back. Life is about having adventures right? Xx ps don't expect him to be / act like a real dad to the kids- that's asking for trouble x

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 14/01/2022 14:41

I’ve suggested to him he comes here for a year or so, see how it goes, save some money and then make plans.

It’s either that or breakup because I don’t want to keep doing the travel and I can’t afford it, plus he can’t travel due to no vacation time

Has he ever insisted on paying half the costs of your travel to go and see him? Or how are costs split when you get there?