Page 3 | Giving it all up

needmoreshinys · 14/01/2022 02:10

If I was single, could get a greencard and rent my house here out, then I would do it in a heartbeat, if it goes badly wrong, it would still be a great adventure and I would be free to come back as and when.

Throw kids into the mix and then there is no way at all

PurpleMarie · 14/01/2022 02:13

K1 fiancé visas are taking 12-18 months to be issued right now. You’re not going anywhere quickly regardless what you decide.

expat101 · 14/01/2022 02:36

How did you get to touch base online when both of you are reluctant to want to move o/s? Surely this would have been something at the beginning that would raise enough concern it might not be worth connecting further over?

IMO, your post sounds like an abbreviated summary from a romance novel, there isn't a lot of real-life happening, and you are spending a lot of time on the computer and working so I wonder how much do you have left to give to your children right now to know what they really would like? Perhaps they are just happy to see Mum happy too?

Either or, the last 3 ? years have been absolutely extraordinary for every single one of us and perhaps this is the new norm.

As others have said, 1 year with very little real-life interaction as a family unit, I think it's far too soon to make the decision to move overseas while you have children to consider.

"if'' anyone is going to do the moving, it should be him. If it doesn't work out, easier for him to go back home than for you to try and re-settle your children for the 2nd time back into new schools and countries.

If he wants to be with you, then so be it, but see out the children's schooling where they are, with the friendship groups they have. If you are still together by the time they finish school, then you will know this person a lot more thoroughly, stinky socks and all, than you do now. Make the big decision then.

backtolifebacktoreality · 14/01/2022 02:38

Our friend moved abroad and rented their house out in the uk in case things didn't work out. Unfortunately it all went wrong but at least she had somewhere to come back to.

Move and enjoy x

Kelly7889 · 14/01/2022 02:50

OP: My suggestion was that he moved here for a year or so, tries it out. If it fails he can go back and stay with his mum (her basement is bigger than my house!) and his type of job is easy to come by but even if it took a while he has his mum to help. He admits it’s a good idea so I don’t see what his problem is tbh!

Discord and a hint of resentment in that statement. This isn't going to work is it?
You have money problems - of-course you would like your new lover to leave everything and move here to be with you and your kids. The shine will very soon wear off when he gets here and has to be part of the domestic drudge and penny pinching. He will miss his family desperately, probably on a physical level. Americans I have met who have moved here have been desperately homesick - it is massively different and people seem unfriendly and cold to them.

If you didn't have kids, go - why not? To be honest you don't have much here anyway. But your kids! And how are you going to live in the USA without a ton of money to take with you? Or are you going to rely on the kindness of strangers?

Your hormones are thinking for you.

Happyhappyday · 14/01/2022 02:55

I think this is a non starter because of immigration, you don’t earn enough to sponsor him to come to the UK (and processing can take a year) and you would need to marry in the US and then you return to the UK. he would need to bring you over on a finance visa, whereupon you’d need to marry within 3 months. You wouldn’t be able to work during that time, I don’t believe your children would be entitled to free education and you likely would not be able to be added to his health insurance policy. You also wouldn’t be able to work while the next step in the visa process was being handled, and you would not be eligible for a green card for at least 2 years so your immigration status would be precarious. I’m not sure if there are income requirements/complications from an immigration stand point to you bringing your children over but it’s very likely there would be. I’d also say you’d face a fair degree of scrutiny by US immigration as to your relationship being legitimate. And frankly the UK as you have none of the evidence (joint bills etc) generally required. You’re also likely looking at minimum 5k to get the job done in either direction with immigration and legal fees.

I also really wouldn’t get excited about your salary going that far in the US, what city/state would you be in? $90,000 as a parent of two children is not a lot in an urban center.

Happyhappyday · 14/01/2022 02:58

I’ve done the immigration in both directions (me to UK, lived 15 years, met married husband, had baby) and then a few years later we moved back to US with him immigrating.

PinkDahlias · 14/01/2022 03:16

Do not uproot your life and move so far away. Living together is very different to talking on the phone everyday. You learn a lot about someone when you live with them, and imagine if this relationship wasn’t as you expected it to be once living together and doing life together? I think the best thing to do to really see if it could work, is for him to move here for a minimum of 12 months. Could you rent out your house and find a new home together to rent so you both feel like you are starting afresh? He might feel reluctant to move here because he could feel a huge expectation to fill the boots of your husband (very sorry for your loss by the way). Him moving here for a year or two will show you if you can move to the US long-term. Your children will still be fairly young so do not let that concern you. The prospect of a new life sounds very exciting, but you have to be sensible. He needs to show you that he can commit to being with you and your children, and he has to do that by moving here on a temporary basis. A year will fly by if you are happy together. If it doesn’t work out, you haven’t had to upheave yours and your childrens lives. I wish you the very best!

Justilou1 · 14/01/2022 03:35

If you are a nurse, you could potentially sit your NCLEX Exams and work over there and earn a buttload. You earn more with each extra qualification you have. I’d go. (Also better conditions.) Which area???

notangelinajolie · 14/01/2022 03:42

Move
Rent your house.
Don't me marry him.

FluffyBooBoo · 14/01/2022 03:53

I wouldn't. You have too many ties here, and America isn't known for being generous with time off work for holidays. I think just two weeks is the legal minimum.

1forAll74 · 14/01/2022 04:06

I would take a lot of time to really think this over, as you cant properly know this man after such a short time. It is quite an early type of relationship at the moment. I think it would also matter, which state in the USA it was for living there permanently.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 14/01/2022 04:09

@FluffyBooBoo

I wouldn't. You have too many ties here, and America isn't known for being generous with time off work for holidays. I think just two weeks is the legal minimum.

They’re not legally entitled to any holiday. Most companies do offer it but it’s certainly not mandatory.

BookFiend4Life · 14/01/2022 04:18

I don't think I would uproot your lives and move. Some financial considerations though are: depending on the area you can usually find a good school with extracurriculars for free (not sure if you're currently paying) once you have a visa if you work full time your Healthcare should be relatively inexpensive or free through your employer, if not there are plans you can buy which are not exorbitantly expensive. Jobs here tend to be higher paying, unless you're doing very menial work your salary would almost certainly be higher. I would never ever move to an inland red state for financial and cultural reasons but that is my preference. Most coastal and blue states will have a broader political diversity and higher paying jobs. I really wouldn't move to Arkansas, Missouri, Mississippi, Kentucky, Kansas, Nebraska, Iowa, Ohio, Idaho, Utah, Wyoming or either of the Dakotas, there just aren't as many job opportunities there.

blisstwins · 14/01/2022 04:26

You have so much more to lose, your children have only you, and your brother would be very vulnerable. You give up financial security and maybe that is the right thing to do, but face time and 2 week visits are not real life. Why doesn’t he come and stay with you and work for a year or two and then you reassess. I am American and a teacher and your children would be fine adjusting here in terms of schools if he lived with you for a year or two, you were still in love, but he really wanted to move back. Your history and level of day to day knowledge is just not long or deep enough. He should be willing to move to you as you are considering a move for him.

Mermaidwaves · 14/01/2022 05:02

The very fact he seems reluctant to come here and would be happy to uproot your kids lives says a lot, he puts himself first. Also his family may well be welcoming, that doesnt mean anything! People are usually nice when you meet them, you talk as if your children will have a ready made family over there but I think you are assuming a lot.

Men come and go but your children's security need to be your priority here, he needs to be the one to make the sacrifices if it's meant to happen.

notyouagainn · 14/01/2022 05:37

Whilst you have been together a year you have only spent a short amount of time in each other's company. Moving country is a massive step but even more so with kids. I'd ask him to move to you for a year and then if you are both happy move to America.

Twocrabs30 · 14/01/2022 05:44

No way. Don’t move. Stay where you are established and have stability.

If it is meant to be, he will move for you. You have too much to lose if you move and it doesn’t work out; not least, the impact on your children.

girlmom21 · 14/01/2022 06:15

He needs to move. Even then he shouldn't immediately move into your home.

Do you have contact with your late husbands family?

Frollop · 14/01/2022 06:33

I would only move knowing that there is a risk things may not work out as planned... could be relationship split, job situation not going as I thought, children not liking new set up or yourself etc. If I decided I could cope and deal with this things if they occured then i may make the move. I just think there are no guarantees in life as we all know, relationship breakdown is common and I think you have more to lose if things don't work.

Heartburnkillingme · 14/01/2022 06:36

If 90 day fiancé has taught me anything it’s that this is a bad idea. Especially with children. It never ends well.

CurtainTroubles · 14/01/2022 06:38

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

phishy · 14/01/2022 06:41

I met my ex online, he was in the UK but in opposite of country.

Talking online for hours, occasional meet ups / holidays etc is not enough of a basis to move for him.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 14/01/2022 06:46

Don't uproot your whole life and that of your children for someone you've spent less than 2 months with. You can't possibly know them or trust them that much.

Have you thought about what college will cost you if your kids attend it in the US?

The 10 days off a year?

The hassle that is the private health insurance and the outrageous costs?

mjf981 · 14/01/2022 06:47

@strawhatblonde

New here.

Long story short - I met someone who lives in the USA. We met online been together over a year, we face time every single night for anything from 2-4 hours (7 is our record). We facetimed for 3 months and then he flew over here for 2 weeks and we fell madly in love. Then another 3 months facetime and he flew over again. Then another 3 months and I flew to the states etc...

We got engaged and I love this man. However I am posting on here because I need some unbiased advice from people who don't know me.

I am 35, I was married for 12 years but he passed away 5 years ago. I have two kids (12 and 6). I don't have any family apart from my brother (my family are toxic/abusive. My brother has severe learning difficulties and lives in supported housing with carers. I try to see him as much as I can). I worked really hard to rebuild my life. I have a career I love, friends I am extremely close to, and a house I own and love.

As much as I love DP, I don't know if moving over there is the right thing to do. Initially he was adamant he wouldn't move to the UK but now is warming to it. He rents his house in the states, has no kids, he works but his job is just a job to him, but he does have a big supportive loving family (who love me and the kids like their own!)

Time is of the essence for 2 reasons. Firstly, eldest child is in year 7 so moving much later makes it harder especially due to the differences in curriculum. Secondly, neither of us can afford the flying anymore simply due to covid tests and rising living costs. DP only gets 2 weeks annual leave (he got more last year because he changed jobs so his leave was refreshed).

I adore his family and would love to be a part of it. My kids would have grandparents doting on them and cousins to play with, extra people to love them. His family treat me so well and are really supportive of me and DP and the kids. The kids adore them. I would earn quadruple my salary over there if I worked. I'd have a lot of help with the kids (I have none atm) and I would have a good life.

However...

I own my house here outright. I love my career. I love my best friend. I worry for my brother. Since my gran died I've been visiting her best friends (because nobody else does) and I worry that they'd die while I was away (not in good health) and would miss my visits. It is a lot to give up moving away.

My kids are happy to move, they adore DP and his family.

But I don't want to make a bad decision because it's not like we can just come home... the time spent in the US would mean they lose their places in their schools (which are massively oversubscribed) and their education would be wasted (learning about US geography for example) so it's not like they could fit right back in. Getting a new job would take time...

I don't know if it's crazy to move or crazy to stay. My best friend's only concern is the cost of healthcare but this is manageable. She wants what's best for me but would obviously prefer me to stay.

Life is fast-paced here and stressful but I do love it. It's also expensive. I pay through the nose for after-school childcare because I have no family. I can't go out anywhere because I can't afford to pay a babysitter and I don't have family. So it's me and the kids 24/7. I work full time (up to 60 hours per week some weeks) and earn 21k, barely breaking even. Every single decision is on me as a solo parent. Being with DP would make life better and easier, and happier.

On the flipside, DP could work here relatively easily. I know it's a lot but the only thing he's giving up is his family, whom we could still fly over to see, but he sees them twice a month atm and speaks to them daily so they are close...

Should I expect him to move here? AIBU? or is he BU wanting me to move there?

Where in the US? This is important. For me, New England or Seattle - maybe. Mississippi or North Dakota - absolutely no way.