Giving it all up

[strawhatblonde]

New here.

Long story short - I met someone who lives in the USA. We met online been together over a year, we face time every single night for anything from 2-4 hours (7 is our record). We facetimed for 3 months and then he flew over here for 2 weeks and we fell madly in love. Then another 3 months facetime and he flew over again. Then another 3 months and I flew to the states etc...

We got engaged and I love this man. However I am posting on here because I need some unbiased advice from people who don't know me.

I am 35, I was married for 12 years but he passed away 5 years ago. I have two kids (12 and 6). I don't have any family apart from my brother (my family are toxic/abusive. My brother has severe learning difficulties and lives in supported housing with carers. I try to see him as much as I can). I worked really hard to rebuild my life. I have a career I love, friends I am extremely close to, and a house I own and love.

As much as I love DP, I don't know if moving over there is the right thing to do. Initially he was adamant he wouldn't move to the UK but now is warming to it. He rents his house in the states, has no kids, he works but his job is just a job to him, but he does have a big supportive loving family (who love me and the kids like their own!)

Time is of the essence for 2 reasons. Firstly, eldest child is in year 7 so moving much later makes it harder especially due to the differences in curriculum. Secondly, neither of us can afford the flying anymore simply due to covid tests and rising living costs. DP only gets 2 weeks annual leave (he got more last year because he changed jobs so his leave was refreshed).

I adore his family and would love to be a part of it. My kids would have grandparents doting on them and cousins to play with, extra people to love them. His family treat me so well and are really supportive of me and DP and the kids. The kids adore them. I would earn quadruple my salary over there if I worked. I'd have a lot of help with the kids (I have none atm) and I would have a good life.

However...

I own my house here outright. I love my career. I love my best friend. I worry for my brother. Since my gran died I've been visiting her best friends (because nobody else does) and I worry that they'd die while I was away (not in good health) and would miss my visits. It is a lot to give up moving away.

My kids are happy to move, they adore DP and his family.

But I don't want to make a bad decision because it's not like we can just come home... the time spent in the US would mean they lose their places in their schools (which are massively oversubscribed) and their education would be wasted (learning about US geography for example) so it's not like they could fit right back in. Getting a new job would take time...

I don't know if it's crazy to move or crazy to stay. My best friend's only concern is the cost of healthcare but this is manageable. She wants what's best for me but would obviously prefer me to stay.

Life is fast-paced here and stressful but I do love it. It's also expensive. I pay through the nose for after-school childcare because I have no family. I can't go out anywhere because I can't afford to pay a babysitter and I don't have family. So it's me and the kids 24/7. I work full time (up to 60 hours per week some weeks) and earn 21k, barely breaking even. Every single decision is on me as a solo parent. Being with DP would make life better and easier, and happier.

On the flipside, DP could work here relatively easily. I know it's a lot but the only thing he's giving up is his family, whom we could still fly over to see, but he sees them twice a month atm and speaks to them daily so they are close...

Should I expect him to move here? AIBU? or is he BU wanting me to move there?

I’m also not sure why he thinks it’s so much easier in the states when he can’t even afford to buy, and is even talking about living in his parents basement. I’m assuming he’s

Sorry posted too soon, I am assuming he’s quite a low earner? What does he do and what would he work as here?

I think if anyone moves, it has to be him. You have children who are stable and in education. I don't think it's fair to uproot them for a guy who you've been seeing for over a year.
Whilst it sounds like an awesome fairy tale, you won't truly know until you get there and it would be hard to go back to your old life.

@Contactmap

My kids are happy to move, they adore DP and his family. Of course they do. The kids on MN always 'adore' mum's new boyfriend that they hardly know. Never just like them. Always adore.

Absolutely this. Much as my point about the “loving them like their own” overblown nonsense that OP has backtracked on.

My children “adored” every holiday club or PGL instructor they ever met.

Seems to me there is only one thing that you truly know is real about this man… he won’t just instantly agree that a move to UK temporarily, in the interests of your children, is the better option.
So there you go. That’s his level of commitment to them.

@Cocomarine

Seems to me there is only one thing that you truly know is real about this man… he won’t just instantly agree that a move to UK temporarily, in the interests of your children, is the better option. So there you go. That’s his level of commitment to them.

Oh - and THAT is what loving a child like your own really means. Putting them first.

@Harlequin1088

Move. You’ll regret it if you don’t.

Yeah, never mind the kids.

Are u in lalaland??? If this was a script for a movie/book it would be unrealistic!
Can't believe you are considering this for yourself never mind with children.....
You know nothing about this person really.....how do your dc love him? That's a nonsense ..... facetime is not real....holidays are not real but being as couldn't travel to the USA much over the last couple of years can't be that much real time..

2nd the previous poster he moves here as has no career there and you try a real relationship with him not living with your children...far too soon to force that....then see how it goes....
Rose tinted glasses are all well and good if you're young free n single but irrespective of finances this could be very damaging to your DC

You hardly know this man. Don't uproot your kids for him.

He had less to lose - he should move here. But I'd agree with him beforehand how you'd split the bills, that he would not be entitled to your house, etc.

You have no idea how his family would treat you or your dc if you actually lived there. You barely know them.

Don't get carried away.

Ntrft but I don't think it's so hard to move into the US school system in a couple of years for your eldest. It's harder moving back to the UK system after year 9 but moving to the States is not so bad.
I think sometimes you do know that this person is right for you and, if that's the case, that's great. There's still no chance I would consider moving for at least 2 years - I would ask him to come here for that period of time and then reconsider moving there when your eldest would be starting GCSEs here or, if you so still feel that's too early, when she'd be starting sixth form.
If it doesn't work out then you've not lost anything except your hopes for what might have been. If it does work out then he's not lost anything at all but gained experience of living in another country/culture.
If you move there and it doesn't work out, you don't sound as though you have the support structure to make getting back here easy.
Oh - and I wouldn't have a child with him until proper long term decisions are made...

@Happyhappyday

I think this is a non starter because of immigration, you don’t earn enough to sponsor him to come to the UK (and processing can take a year) and you would need to marry in the US and then you return to the UK. he would need to bring you over on a finance visa, whereupon you’d need to marry within 3 months. You wouldn’t be able to work during that time, I don’t believe your children would be entitled to free education and you likely would not be able to be added to his health insurance policy. You also wouldn’t be able to work while the next step in the visa process was being handled, and you would not be eligible for a green card for at least 2 years so your immigration status would be precarious. I’m not sure if there are income requirements/complications from an immigration stand point to you bringing your children over but it’s very likely there would be. I’d also say you’d face a fair degree of scrutiny by US immigration as to your relationship being legitimate. And frankly the UK as you have none of the evidence (joint bills etc) generally required. You’re also likely looking at minimum 5k to get the job done in either direction with immigration and legal fees.

I also really wouldn’t get excited about your salary going that far in the US, what city/state would you be in? $90,000 as a parent of two children is not a lot in an urban center.

^ This. Instead of thinking about what would be preferable, you need to think about what is actually, legally, possible. Unless this man has a British passport or is in the kind of job where he could get a working visa for the UK, it's very unlikely he'll be able to move. Contrary to what many think, being married is in itself not enough for someone to get a visa to move to the UK, there are other requirements (such as income) that you need to meet.

He moves. You can all visit his family for a month each summer. No way would I give up what you have compared to what he has.

Given that property is so much cheaper in the US I would be wondering why he rents.

You run the increased risk of having adult children living on separate continents to you if you move your children to the USA.

Of course, grown children can emigrate of their own choice when they're adults but splitting their childhoods between two countries will make it far more likely that they'll do this if they prefer one country over another.

At first I thought it was a 50/50 decision but reading some of the other posts I now think you ask him to move over. There's nothing to stop you moving to America in a few years (the kids would cope) when you're relationship is further in, but for now, for the kids I'd stay. He should get a lot more holiday if he moves here so you could all have big family holidays in America in the meantime.

You dont know this man
His family do not know you
Your kids dont know him or your family
Think with your head

He moves here with a decent commitment to long visiting USA with you and your family.

You have dependents with your kids and your brother. He has the flexibility

@MysteriousMonkey

At first I thought it was a 50/50 decision but reading some of the other posts I now think you ask him to move over. There's nothing to stop you moving to America in a few years (the kids would cope) when you're relationship is further in, but for now, for the kids I'd stay. He should get a lot more holiday if he moves here so you could all have big family holidays in America in the meantime.

Agree with this.

Ask him to move here on the agreement that you will reconsider moving to US in a few years when kids are older.

A year is no time at all to uproot your whole life, if you were single I’d be saying go for it but with two kids and the having never spent any real significant time with this man - a few weeks at a time spread over a year isn’t enough in my mind.

The fantasy is lovely but the reality is different, it’s it meant to be and the relationship is strong then he will put your (the kids) needs first for now

@BeetyAxe

I wouldn’t move in these circumstances. Your children need stability and your only guarantee of giving them that is by staying and protecting your own financial interests. The children can enjoy long holidays in the USA but you need to keep them here. I also think you’re underestimating the impact of leaving your brother, I think that would be much more difficult than you think.

I agree with all of this. I would not move in your position.

@MyOtherProfile

He moves. You can all visit his family for a month each summer. No way would I give up what you have compared to what he has.

Given that property is so much cheaper in the US I would be wondering why he rents.

Renting is not looked down on in the US as it seems to be in the UK. High property tax, maintenance etc often make renting a more viable option. Home ownership is not the Holy grail that it is in the UK. I know people who rented all their working lives and bought property (cash) on retirement.

You say your children are "happy to move" but that's why 12 and 6 year olds aren't generally trusted to make massive, life-altering decisions. They will naturally be caught up in the novelty and excitement of it all without considering any of the practicalities or pitfalls, because they're children. You are supposed to be the adult who looks at the cold, hard facts but it's clear from your OP that you are viewing this entire situation through rose-tinted glasses.

You've known this man for a year. Most reasonable people would consider your relationship to be in the early stages even if he lived down the road and you'd been meeting up regularly during that time. As it is, you describe him as your "DP" when you have never spent more than a couple of weeks at a time in his company and your relationship has never been tested in "real world" conditions.

You talk a lot in your OP about having no help with the kids and that's obviously a strain given how hard you work. I can see why the idea of his large, close extended family is appealing. But again, you do not know these people! They absolutely do not "love" your DC "like their own" after meeting them once. There is no evidence for your assertion that if you moved your DC would have "involved grandparents" and you would have "a lot of help" from them. The most you can honestly say about his family is that you've met them and they seem nice.

You need to accept that this man does not "love" your DC and is not in a position to know what's best for them. He may well like them and have enjoyed the very limited time he has spent with them, but he doesn't really know them and he knows nothing of the reality of being a step-parent. The fact that he wants you to uproot their lives, knowing full well they have already lost their Father, when he could easily move himself speaks volumes IMO. He's not going to put them first, but you as their parent need to.

Not a chance in hell would I move my children over there in this situation. Love is not enough. You have to be cool-headed and practical. All the talk of 7-hour record calls and his family loving your DC and this Waltons fantasy of your DC playing with the whole clan. You've hardly spent any time IRL with this guy. Either of you moving is far from straightforward work/visa wise and relationships break down all the time, even more so with all the stresses of moving to a new country with kids. You have an excellent set up and and so much to lose if it tanks. If anyone moves, it has to be him. But really, it's too early for any of this.

You simply can't make any serious decisions in this honeymoon period. You don't know him fully until you live together, so the logical conclusion is he comes over here for a year or so at least.

If he refuses then you have your answer. It isn't reasonable to expect you & DCs to come to him and definitely don't marry him for a visa's sake!

You need to protect your home and assets.

Do not take your children to America. Children at that age just want to please Mummy.

If you got pregnant any child would be a US citizen, if you wanted to return to England good luck trying to take that child out of the US.

You don’t really know him, you say you met online, what kind of site?

No way should you move to be with a man you do not know, you think meeting someone 3 times you know them. It is absolute Madness he should move here in my opinion

Thank you again everyone.

Just to be clear - I would never ever sell my house in any circumstance even if I did move. Also, no future children as I am sterilised.

I think the idea of him coming here for a year is the best one. I disagree that we don't know each other, you can't not know each other after talking so much (we talk about anything and everything, the only difference is it's on the phone not in person). However knowing someone and living with them is entirely different.

I wonder if the pull of his family is what was swaying me - I don't have any family and felt so happy being there with his. I guess I also feel guilty that my kids only have me, like they're missing out.

I'm not stupid or naive - I'd have moved already if I was. I think I just wanted someone to confirm what I was already thinking, that this isn't the right thing to do.

To sponsor him to live here, I would only need to earn £18,600 - I have looked into it. So I earn enough on paper. In reality another mouth to feed would be tricky unless he worked (which he would once allowed)

I'll admit I haven't looked into US visas much because I was stuck not wanting to give up everything to move. I know he meets the income requirements though.

He does earn good money over there, and rents out of choice. Most people rent over there apparently. He earns at least triple what I earn. However his job isn't his passion and he could easily do the same job here.

Ironically when we talked about this last night and I asked what was keeping him in the US, when we list his vs mine it is almost ridiculous to consider me moving.

I am annoyed because he was the one saying we could visit his family, he could sell his car and give up his house and job... then it's like it all got too much and he backtracked and wants me there "for a better life"

I think I need some real time to think this through!