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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are some parents so selfish !!!

194 replies

YogaRebel · 13/01/2022 08:02

Is it just me or do some parents constantly moan about how inconvenient their children are ? In front of them too. Triggers me.

OP posts:
Original poster
YogaRebel · 13/01/2022 12:48

For all those that think I ve been abused - nope I haven't. My parents took care of me really well thanks.

For all those that think I'm some sort of martyr Pollyanna that thinks you must never complain or moan about parenting - and endlessly devote yourself to your child's needs above and beyond having any yourself - nope don't be daft. Not that.

For those that think Im super sensitive overly judgemental dick ..maybe I am in your eyes. But my guess is you re prob the selfish dick that prompted the post lol

The selfish parents I'm referring to - They routinely think of themselves before their kid then justify their selfishness behind what sounds reasonable. Lurking behind their justification is just a horrible. Yes that triggers me.

More examples -my daughters friend, aged 7 cried in my house about how she wasn't good enough and her mum didn't like her ... because her mum had a new boyfriend . So the 7 year was sent to her room alone, every single evening at 6 pm so that the new couple could watch TV together undisturbed by her. She was shouted at if she came downstairs and told she needed to learn to entertain herself. Door was then locked. I heard her saying how her daughter needed to learn that she needs alone time / kids need to get bored to be creative.

Another mother kept her kid in daycare / then a childminder collected her 7 am- 7 p,m 5 days a week. Often she was home but just wanted some time to ' unwind ' from stressful job then complained that her kid was always tired and cranky and wouldn't go to sleep straight away - it was such an effort, isnt parenting hard ?

Another sent her kid to his room, took away his toys, cancelled him attending friends bday parties for really minor behaviour stuff - like not putting on shoes fast enough .. for not being a nice neat little cute robot. Justification - you have to set boundaries and be consistent.

I work full time - used clubs plenty and discipline my kids appropriately! I talk to friends about frustrations I have but looking after my kids is not an inconvenience and I would never treat them like that and call it good parenting. I just don't get how people can be so misguided.

OP posts:
MabelsApron · 13/01/2022 12:57

@Emerald5hamrock

Meh my DM regularly described us as terrors and had a good moan, didn't hurt us, we knew she loved us with every piece of her even if we did regularly drive her around the bend. Parents are human you're only seeing a snippet.
I agree that context is important. My mum did this as well but I knew she meant it - she resented our intrusion into her life and considered the whole business of child-rearing a total and utter inconvenience to her.

Problem is, if it's said around the children, you don't know whether you've got a mum like yours, or a mum like mine. I don't know what the answer is but if people do it around me with their kids present I change the subject immediately. And, yes, I have witnessed it too.

Emerald5hamrock · 13/01/2022 13:07

Problem is, if it's said around the children, you don't know whether you've got a mum like yours, or a mum like mine. I don't know what the answer is but if people do it around me with their kids present I change the subject immediately. And, yes, I have witnessed it too.
My DC are very sensitive I couldn't say these things even if I wanted too, their hearts would break.
I think my DM considered it small talk but you're correct isn't fair to say mean things to little people and can become a habit.

AllThePogs · 13/01/2022 13:10

@YogaRebel I have seen parents on MN saying they send their kids to their bedroom so they can get alone time as a couple every night. Their kids aren't ready to go to sleep, they are just expected to entertain themselves. I was pretty shocked at that and the justifications.

This reminds me of the discussions there used to be about hitting a child. And similarly, if you verbally abuse or hit a child once or twice, it probably won't be a long term issue. But if that is how you treat your child regularly, then yes you are being abusive.

I don't agree with the martyr approach to motherhood where a child has to be entertained every minute of the day. But I agree that the reaction against that partially justifies and excuses emotional abuse.

Potatopotate · 13/01/2022 13:17

Hmm. From those examples it could be that those parents do loads of stuff with their kids (maybe without much kid free time, hence speaking in there presence) and genuinely do need a few hours' break on holiday. It's hard to know the tone by reading, and without knowing these parents more generally. But not that unreasonable for one person to dislike kids books, another to want some kid free time on holiday etc. Not convenient feelings perhaps but few feelings are!

AllThePogs · 13/01/2022 13:20

@Potatopotate we all dislike reading the same kids books again and again. But we do it because we love our kids - although we might try and encourage them to listen to something new. Or say we are only going to read it once each night.
Good parents do not say - I am fed up with reading you that book, so I am not reading it again.

Potatopotate · 13/01/2022 13:21

@YogaRebel

For all those that think I ve been abused - nope I haven't. My parents took care of me really well thanks.

For all those that think I'm some sort of martyr Pollyanna that thinks you must never complain or moan about parenting - and endlessly devote yourself to your child's needs above and beyond having any yourself - nope don't be daft. Not that.

For those that think Im super sensitive overly judgemental dick ..maybe I am in your eyes. But my guess is you re prob the selfish dick that prompted the post lol

The selfish parents I'm referring to - They routinely think of themselves before their kid then justify their selfishness behind what sounds reasonable. Lurking behind their justification is just a horrible. Yes that triggers me.

More examples -my daughters friend, aged 7 cried in my house about how she wasn't good enough and her mum didn't like her ... because her mum had a new boyfriend . So the 7 year was sent to her room alone, every single evening at 6 pm so that the new couple could watch TV together undisturbed by her. She was shouted at if she came downstairs and told she needed to learn to entertain herself. Door was then locked. I heard her saying how her daughter needed to learn that she needs alone time / kids need to get bored to be creative.

Another mother kept her kid in daycare / then a childminder collected her 7 am- 7 p,m 5 days a week. Often she was home but just wanted some time to ' unwind ' from stressful job then complained that her kid was always tired and cranky and wouldn't go to sleep straight away - it was such an effort, isnt parenting hard ?

Another sent her kid to his room, took away his toys, cancelled him attending friends bday parties for really minor behaviour stuff - like not putting on shoes fast enough .. for not being a nice neat little cute robot. Justification - you have to set boundaries and be consistent.

I work full time - used clubs plenty and discipline my kids appropriately! I talk to friends about frustrations I have but looking after my kids is not an inconvenience and I would never treat them like that and call it good parenting. I just don't get how people can be so misguided.

I don't think these things are appropriate parenting, they're a lot worse than your earlier examples of parents just saying slightly unpleasant things
Potatopotate · 13/01/2022 13:23

[quote AllThePogs]@Potatopotate we all dislike reading the same kids books again and again. But we do it because we love our kids - although we might try and encourage them to listen to something new. Or say we are only going to read it once each night.
Good parents do not say - I am fed up with reading you that book, so I am not reading it again.[/quote]
I don't think that's true. I think if you're a generally good and attentive parent, it's not the end of the world to say 'not that book today, let's read another'. Not perfect but not awful!

sweetcheekweak · 13/01/2022 13:30

@YogaRebel

So your first examples were pretty mild, been told than and now miraculously come back with far worse examples, some of which you should potentially report to SS

Convenient

Goldenbear · 13/01/2022 13:40

So is the threshold here just social services, everything seems is ok? I don't get it why be unpleasant at all particularly with young children who don't have the understanding of whether it is a tired, old joke or your parents are fundamentally a bit resentful of you and don't like you.

Goldenbear · 13/01/2022 13:40

Everything else is ok that should read

Butchyrestingface · 13/01/2022 13:44

It never did anyone any good being a Mary Poppins “I love meningitis a mum so much”

What was that supposed to say?

Butchyrestingface · 13/01/2022 13:45

Ah, maybe it's ME seeing things!

AllThePogs · 13/01/2022 13:50

Young children don't understand sarcasm or venting jokes, they just take you literally.

sweetcheekweak · 13/01/2022 13:54

@AllThePogs

Young children don't understand sarcasm or venting jokes, they just take you literally.
What do you count as 'young' as it's been shown that children of 5/6 understand sarcasm
Original poster
YogaRebel · 13/01/2022 14:20

Ah so glad I posted because there are some absolutely awesome people on here that have restored my faith in decent parenting ! Thank you - so good to know you are out there !It's bloody hard work parenting but the kids make it worth every time.

So many posts but I love the one that turned it around - you wouldn't talk or treat any adult you cared about like the examples I gave or others on here. Bang on.

I often wonder if the selfishness is a copycat of their own upbringing ( lots of 70 's and 80 's references ) or they were so spoiled they don't know how to care beyond themselves ?

OP posts:
teatime9999 · 13/01/2022 14:23

If they're moaning about their baby in front of their baby (eg shit sleeper), fine, but if the kids are old enough to understand, that's just awful.
Kids internalise things. If you TELL them they're "bad" or "nuisances" etc, it's a self-fulfilling prophesy and obviously awful for the kids' self esteem. If they repeatedly hear about their good qualities, they start seeing themselves that way and acting accordingly.

Original poster
YogaRebel · 13/01/2022 14:29

[quote sweetcheekweak]@YogaRebel

So your first examples were pretty mild, been told than and now miraculously come back with far worse examples, some of which you should potentially report to SS

Convenient [/quote]
??? Rude. It's not a competition, it's discussion thread. People didn't get me, asked what I meant - I clarified.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 13/01/2022 14:35

@wheelybinprincess, a tyrant, that is a bloody brilliant name for a baby that won't sleep. Ha ha

AllThePogs · 13/01/2022 15:01

@sweetcheekweak I think kids of 5/6 are too young to really understand sarcasm.

AllThePogs · 13/01/2022 15:05

I agree that if the kids cant say the same to you, or say the same about you to others in front of you, then don't do it to them.
And I have never heard a child say to another adult in front of their parent - yes my mum is a total arsehole.
If you want your children to grow up speaking to you with respect, you have to speak to them with respect.

Kennykenkencat · 13/01/2022 17:58

[quote EarlGreywithLemon]@Kennykenkencat so sorry about your childhood, but amazing to hear how you’ve changed all that with your own child. You sound like a warm, loving and strong person, and your children are very lucky to have you as a mother.
I agree with you - I’m very grateful to be a mother and I love being one. My daughter has hugely enriched and improved my life. I don’t find her boring, or an asshole, or an inconvenience- it saddens me hugely when people think that way of their kids. Where the reason behind it is poverty or other difficult circumstances, I feel even sadder for all involved.
It’s become almost fashionable now to see parenthood as a hardship and a chore. I understand that’s a reaction to the fact that complaining in any way about parenting was a taboo for so long. But I’m not sure the current trend is that helpful either.[/quote]
I don’t think there is any excuse for calling your children names.
Even if you are in complete poverty politeness and respect towards your children cost nothing.

If you have a problem with something your child has done then a quiet word in private and a solution to put things right would do more good than telling the world what they have done wrong and name calling
Calling a child a “little shit” is nasty especially if it doesn’t actually refer to anything and is just a mothers feelings in general towards her child.
It doesn’t matter how much you love your children it is the chipping away of someone’s self esteem that has life long consequences.

Goldenbear · 13/01/2022 18:15

Yes, I agree it is 'respectful parenting' and I think it is pretty immature to not be able to contain the name calling. Lets face it most people will not name call if they scared of someone so it is pretty cowardly as you know you are in a position of power over them.

HappyDays40 · 13/01/2022 18:23

My sons friends mum is constantly going on about how hard work her three very standard and lovely children are calling them "dicks" etc. It's not just on hard days it's every day, saying they are ungrateful little fuckers etc. She is nice to their faces but talks awful about them behind their backs. I have a rant sometimes don't we all but yesterday I'd had enough and I said well they can't be that bad if you are having a fourth can they?

HappyDays40 · 13/01/2022 18:25

I found he baby being referred to as a tyrant funny. I can just imagine him/ her sat there thinking up ways to push mum over the brinkGrin