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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are some parents so selfish !!!

194 replies

YogaRebel · 13/01/2022 08:02

Is it just me or do some parents constantly moan about how inconvenient their children are ? In front of them too. Triggers me.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 13/01/2022 09:45

Now op has given examples I don't think she's being ridiculous at all. It must be awful for some children to feel like they're an inconvenience to the people they love most.
If a child is crying about going into holiday club then I'm sorry but it is really shit to make them go in.

ppeatfruit · 13/01/2022 09:46

sweetcheek That's not necessarily true , some holiday clubs are shit.

sweetcheekweak · 13/01/2022 09:47

@ppeatfruit

sweetcheek That's not necessarily true , some holiday clubs are shit.
And?

Still doesn't mean parents who utilise them are selfish

WheelieBinPrincess · 13/01/2022 09:47

You don’t have to martyr yourself totally to be seen as a good parent though (although unfortunately if you’re a woman you probably do, but you shouldn’t have to)

Some of those children’s books are boring, sometimes it’s ok to need a break on holiday, (on HOLIDAY fgs!) sometimes those kids that cry and say they don’t like it are fine and happy when they get there.

ineedsun · 13/01/2022 09:48

I agree, one parent of a friend of my kids, the first time I met her (in front of her kids) said ‘I never really wanted kids, did you? Were yours planned?’ I was gutted for them.

I also don’t understand those parents who say in front of their kids that they can’t wait for them to go back to school after the holidays / similar. I hated them going back to school after every holiday but I know some people think that makes me weird or that I think I’m superior. I just don’t get it.

I’m not triggered but as others have pointed out, it’s not hard to imagine reasons why someone might be triggered by things like this.

ppeatfruit · 13/01/2022 09:51

Well no one HAS to have children do they? if you can't stand them. There are enough examples around to get an idea about them. Maybe it's because people think that THEIR child won't be a normal child and need care and attention.

Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 13/01/2022 09:51

There’s a world of difference between becoming a martyr to your kids and slagging them off right in front of them.

I agree, one parent of a friend of my kids, the first time I met her (in front of her kids) said ‘I never really wanted kids, did you? Were yours planned?’ I was gutted for them. Oft! That’s horrible.

ineedsun · 13/01/2022 09:52

@sweetcheekweak

Did you read the rest of the words in that post because the OP isn’t saying parents who put their kids in a holiday club are selfish - there are a lot of other words in the post which give context to the mention of holiday club.

ppeatfruit · 13/01/2022 09:53

ineedsun Exactly

Chely · 13/01/2022 09:56

Judgemental rubbish

StellaGibson118 · 13/01/2022 09:57

I dont need to; my children say they are annoying without my input Grin

sweetcheekweak · 13/01/2022 09:57

[quote ineedsun]@sweetcheekweak

Did you read the rest of the words in that post because the OP isn’t saying parents who put their kids in a holiday club are selfish - there are a lot of other words in the post which give context to the mention of holiday club.[/quote]
Yep

So what if you child doesn't want to go to the club?

Mine had a fit not wanting to visit his Nan for a few weeks when younger, guess what!? He still bloody went.

Christ alive

aSofaNearYou · 13/01/2022 09:59

@YogaRebel

Parenting IS hard work and all parents need to vent / talk to other parents / mates fairly frequently to stay sane. So no I don't mean that. But do it out of earshot of your kid ? And yes - we all need a break, have others take care of our kids sometimes cos we re not bloody superhuman - so I don't think that's an issue

I mean the - ' I don't see why I should have to ...
read my child a story EVERY night - the books are so boring,

to do the school run every day - I don't like it, it so inconvenient, I get x to do it

play with my kid on my holiday - I need a rest, I'll put them in clubs even if they cry and say they don't like it

Actually know someone that in front of their kid says -don't have kids they ruin your life.

Parents that missed the memo that kids will disrupt your life and blame the kid for all their inconvenience to their life.

YANBU about any of those things, they aren't nice. But I think you're framing it wrong. These parents are just unpleasant, and I don't get the impression this is a big trend. "Why are parents selfish" just reinforces the notion that parents should be martyring themselves by default.
shouldistop · 13/01/2022 09:59

Mine had a fit not wanting to visit his Nan for a few weeks when younger, guess what!? He still bloody went.

You can't see how visiting a close family member is different than going into a holiday club with strangers?

3mealsaday · 13/01/2022 10:00

I agree with you to some extent, OP, but I was walking my 4 yo to nursery this morning and talking about what we were going to do at the weekend, and he turned to me and said, "Mummy, I'd really like some peace and quiet. Could you stop talking?" Confused.

Why is it unacceptable for me to say this to him sometimes or to moan about it to another parent? He clearly understands (at least insofar at it applies to him) that sometimes we just need a break from those around us (even those we love).

So I think it's fine to moan that you need some time to yourself or can't wait for schools/nursery to go back after an otherwise enjoyable but full-on holiday even if your kids can hear you. Calling them 'little shits' or otherwise constantly belittling them is another matter entirely. But it's not a bad thing for kids to learn that parents need alone time too and we all need to recharge. And that the universe doesn't revolve around them.

user33323 · 13/01/2022 10:02

I must be one of those parents! I know a couple of parents who I just really struggle to casually chat to because they don't ever vent or seem to struggle. Eg, once I was late to some sort of toddler class because there had been an all morning string of insane toddler behaviour and I was almost on the verge of tears I was so stressed out. With a friend I'd list these things and they'd share similar and say how hard their morning was or we'd laugh about it, but this parent just said 'Oh POOR darling (to my toddler) it's SO hard for them isn't it'. And literally everything her child did was pure joy. There is a parent of a child in my daughter's reception class exactly like this too, she is very full on and takes up a lot of the teachers time with over the top concerns for her child.

ChipButtyCurrySauce · 13/01/2022 10:02

My sister did this all the time with her kids. Regularly told them she was going to send them 'to live with their sperm donor fathers'. I'd pull her up on it and get told to fuck off.

ineedsun · 13/01/2022 10:03

Was he on his own?

I can’t comprehend a situation where I would send my child away for a few weeks. Even if they were happy about it. But if he was unhappy about it?

I work with adults all the time who are still affected by experiences like this. My mum is in her 70s and was sent away to family and friends while her parents travelled. She’s so deeply affected by it still. Feels massively abandoned.

I’m sure there are people who haven’t been but for me, I can’t get my head around it.

Aimee1987 · 13/01/2022 10:05

I mean the - ' I don't see why I should have to ...
read my child a story EVERY night - the books are so boring
Kids books are boring. Especially when you have read them so many times you know them off by heart. Me and DP alternate bed time which I would say is normal but if one parent is doing every bed time could see that being annoying. Saying it in front of a child could damage their self esteem if said in conjunction with alot of other stuff listed.

to do the school run every day - I don't like it, it so inconvenient, I get x to do it
But that's logistics of life especially if both parents working. Me and DP split this aswell, one does drop off one does collection. Depends on what's said in front of child and how. Mummy needs to get to work so daddy is dropping you to school - fine.
Ahh why is it always my problem to deal with school - not so fine.

play with my kid on my holiday - I need a rest, I'll put them in clubs even if they cry and say they don't like it everyone needs a break including parents. My DS is always apprehensive if he tries something new ( including camps) the ones we send him to he instantly comes out asking when he can go again. So hugely depends on child and circumstance.

Actually know someone that in front of their kid says -don't have kids they ruin your life.
This one I agree with. Way to ruin your kids self esteem.
Parents that missed the memo that kids will disrupt your life and blame the kid for all their inconvenience to their life.
Yes but there is a balance. I think the pendent has swung too far toward kids being on a pedestal which is not healthy for them. I read another thread where a woman was told she was putting too much stress on a 12 by asking them to pop a slice of toast on for breakfast and walk 15 minutes to school Hmm. He needed his breakfast served and get driven to the school gate.

Lipsandlashes · 13/01/2022 10:05

@YogaRebel

Parenting IS hard work and all parents need to vent / talk to other parents / mates fairly frequently to stay sane. So no I don't mean that. But do it out of earshot of your kid ? And yes - we all need a break, have others take care of our kids sometimes cos we re not bloody superhuman - so I don't think that's an issue

I mean the - ' I don't see why I should have to ...
read my child a story EVERY night - the books are so boring,

to do the school run every day - I don't like it, it so inconvenient, I get x to do it

play with my kid on my holiday - I need a rest, I'll put them in clubs even if they cry and say they don't like it

Actually know someone that in front of their kid says -don't have kids they ruin your life.

Parents that missed the memo that kids will disrupt your life and blame the kid for all their inconvenience to their life.

With these examples then no, you are definitely not BU! This is all basic parenting!
ineedsun · 13/01/2022 10:06

@3mealsaday

I agree with you to some extent, OP, but I was walking my 4 yo to nursery this morning and talking about what we were going to do at the weekend, and he turned to me and said, "Mummy, I'd really like some peace and quiet. Could you stop talking?" Confused.

Why is it unacceptable for me to say this to him sometimes or to moan about it to another parent? He clearly understands (at least insofar at it applies to him) that sometimes we just need a break from those around us (even those we love).

So I think it's fine to moan that you need some time to yourself or can't wait for schools/nursery to go back after an otherwise enjoyable but full-on holiday even if your kids can hear you. Calling them 'little shits' or otherwise constantly belittling them is another matter entirely. But it's not a bad thing for kids to learn that parents need alone time too and we all need to recharge. And that the universe doesn't revolve around them.

What your son said is totally different from ‘I can’t wait till they go back to school’ ‘I wish he’d just shut up’
Onairjunkie · 13/01/2022 10:07

@sweetcheekweak

Depends on context

I have a feeling you're one of those people who thinks all babies are cute and children aren't dicks sometimes

Yes. My toddler is a total dick sometimes. Total. Some people get really upset that I would say that. I still love, adore, and essentially serve him like a slave, so why can’t I call him out (behind his back) when he’s a dick? 😇
gallumph · 13/01/2022 10:08

Oh yes, my mother has always gone on about how awful I was as a kid, how much she gave up, how she never wanted kids, how she doesn't like children, etc.

Made me feel just great.

hivemindneeded · 13/01/2022 10:13

@blameitonthecaffeine

I don't think it's common. But yes, there will always be some.

My cousin is a boarding tutor in a boarding prep school. The worst examples I've heard have come from her:
11 year old, only child, parents moved abroad. Parents asked the school to keep him over half term. School said they don't do that. Another child invited the child to go away with them. When phoned, parents said 'Great, that's that problem sorted.'

Another 11 year old. Parents brought them to school for the first time, unpacked their stuff with then told them they were getting divorced, didn't want to discuss it, would see the child in 3 weeks time and left.

Wow. Some people are horrific.

I knew a girl from US who went to boarding school and then was sent on 'educational trips' around Europe all summer long and on skiing holidays at Christmas, basically so her parents never had the faff of looking after her. When I first met her I thought she was a brattish teenager but then realise dhow unhappy she was.

One summer a lovely boy from another US state fell in love with her and really looked after her, and she softened and blossomed. Next summer I bumped into her by chance and asked if she was still in touch with him. 'Who?' she said, genuinely baffled. She probably had attachment disorder from being passed around professional adults and never cared for by her parents.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/01/2022 10:18

I don’t think most parents moan like the OPs example- if my child left her book bag at home I would roll my eyes and give a non harsh “telling off”- more a mini lecture on remembering. Judge away!