Why are some parents so selfish !!!

[YogaRebel]

Is it just me or do some parents constantly moan about how inconvenient their children are ? In front of them too. Triggers me.

OP you are getting an unnecessarily hard time. Yes parenting is hard. Yes we all need a break and to vent.
But yes some parents are shit selfish parents who openly treat their children as an inconvenience. It is awful for those children.

Yes, it's very sad when parents make their children feel unwanted or like an inconvenience. Very occasionally though I suspect we've all been there, a thoughtless comment we don't think about but which our kids will probably remember all their lives. I catch myself with any phrase starting with "Why can't you"....it's not good for them, I know it's not, and yet trying to pack them all up when one of them won't get their shoes on AGAIN, it's hard not to be irritable sometimes.
Parenting is the hardest job of all, and yes, some people don't even seem to realise that.

Abusive parents have done this forever. It's a very effective way of instilling guilt into a child and coercing them into obedience and compliance. I'm a pensioner and my mum made very sure I knew what a total PITA I was. I was aware from a very young age that if abortion had been legal she wouldn't have had me.

She is old and frail now and is very glad to have me around. I do what needs to be done for her out of basic human decency and pity but I don't love her.

I used to joke openly about being excited about my boys going back after holidays and then recently realised they were genuinely hurt hearing me say that

I was horrified - we get on great and are very happy bunch at home

They also accused me of putting them
Into camp like a weeks horse riding or sailing as an excuse to bin them off. I was annoyed - I can’t teach them these things myself as I don’t have a horse or a yacht!

They are far more sensitive than I realised. Although I think they’re doing well spending only 2/10 weeks at camps - never mind 🙄

@ineedsun My mother was the youngest of 4, and her parents would quite regularly take all the other kids on big holidays to France (which was a big deal in the 1950s), and leave her with relatives because she was "too young". I would say my mother is not the most well-adjusted person...

My mum usedvto moan about how we never did anything to help around the house and how lazy and selfish we were, at the school gates, then take us home and yell at us to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. Some parents speaking shit about their children in front of them is not a new thing unfortunately

In a way it was good for us though, those other parents who saw through my mums bullshit made sure we were invited to a lot of sleepovers, which gave us breaks. I guess if my mum had been quieter in her shitty parenting more of it would have gone unnoticed and so we wouldnt have been invited to stay away as much?

I’ve never understood this either, I don’t mind people having a moan but the one that gets me is when parents can’t wait for the school holidays to finish. I absolutely love the school holidays and love having the kids about. It actually makes me feel like I’m the odd one and I’m sad or something for liking my kids company.

@Hadenoughofthisbullshit

There’s a world of difference between becoming a martyr to your kids and slagging them off right in front of them.

I agree, one parent of a friend of my kids, the first time I met her (in front of her kids) said ‘I never really wanted kids, did you? Were yours planned?’ I was gutted for them. Oft! That’s horrible.

Exactly! I have met parents like this. The myth that all parents want the best for their children is just that, a myth. Some parents do the basics of feeding their children, making sure they are clothed, and clean, but do not care about their emotional well being. As parents they put their emotional well being first always.

Venting or even saying to a friend you didn't want kids, or not to have kids, or that the kids are ruining your life, fine if it is private. But it is an awful thing to say in front of your kids.
Kids need to feel loved and wanted.

@sweetcheekweak

Depends on context

I have a feeling you're one of those people who thinks all babies are cute and children aren't dicks sometimes

Nope, that's not what the OP is saying. Parents running their children down out of earshot isn't great, but doing it to a third party in front of them isn't far short of character assassination of small people. It humiliates, confuses and wounds, and is a despicable abdication of responsibility. But you'll have your own reasons for not seeing it for what it is

Completely agree OP. I suffered it and it warped me. I've seen it warp kids I've worked with/cared for. Children act out when they are subtly or not so subtly bullied, deprived, neglected, misunderstood by parents/caregivers who display dereliction of duty in various ways.

@User310

I’ve never understood this either, I don’t mind people having a moan but the one that gets me is when parents can’t wait for the school holidays to finish. I absolutely love the school holidays and love having the kids about. It actually makes me feel like I’m the odd one and I’m sad or something for liking my kids company.

It's not an all-or-nothing situation. I love the first couple of weeks of the holidays and plan lots of exciting stuff for us to do. But as an introvert I find myself getting slightly frayed when I haven't had even a couple of hours to myself for weeks on end. It's not so much that I'm fed up of my DS and don't want him there - it's more that I'm a better parent when I have some time every now and again to recharge.

I’ve never understood the desperation for holidays to be over but also the flip side of those devastated their babies have to return to school. Mind you, I work so don’t spend 6 weeks with them solidly. I don’t moan much to friends but I do openly express when my dcs’ behaviour is driving me nuts to their faces. I think it’s okay for them to know the impact their behaviour has.

@sweetcheekweak do you do this to your children? Is that why your comments are so defensive?

Maybe children need to occasionally be told that not everything revolves around them?
That them forgetting bags/books etc is bloody well inconvenient because the parent is doing drop off on the way to work and doesn't have time for their faffing.
Sometimes a kid's pointless whinging is pointless and then need to hear that.
Sometimes a kid needs to hear that their mum/dad needs 10 minutes without them being at them.

Honestly I think every parent has said that and I don't think that's a problem.

@sillysmiles A child being told I am fed up of you forgetting your bag it causes x, y and z problem is fine. As long as it is age-appropriate. So no it wouldn't be okay to say that to a 5-year-old as they are being asked to do too much for their age.
But saying you don't want children, you wish they hadn't been born, you wish had never had children, never wanting to spend time with them - all you are doing is telling them are unwanted. A terrible thing to tell a child.

But saying you don't want children, you wish they hadn't been born, you wish had never had children, never wanting to spend time with them - all you are doing is telling them are unwanted.

But those are not the examples the OP gave!

The examples of the boarding school child being dumped is pretty awful.

My point is not all comments are negative. Some times kids need to be told when they are being little shits and unpleasant to be around.

It can be awful for the children involved. My exH makes our dc feel like an inconvenience - he hates reading the same books/watching the same programmes with (ASD and learning disabled) one dc, and has openly said so to them. He finds it boring, apparently.

He doesn’t arrange to do anything or take them anywhere during school ho,idays, but is also very keen to carve out his separate holiday time, away from the dc (and therefore shortening the amount of time he can see them, due to annual leave restrictions) as he ‘needs’ a holiday.

The dc feel unwanted, and another poster put it well when they said it’s about control and guilt. It’s utterly shit of him, but he’s not going to change now.

With the going back to school after the holidays thing - we all love a break, and I do lots of trips with the dc, but after the summer holidays especially (my youngest had nearly 10 weeks last summer!), we are all looking forward to school starting again, just as much as we were looking forward to school breaking up! The dc look forward to seeing their friends again - they see them in the holidays a a bit, but not the same groups/not all of them - and getting back to the bits of school they enjoy (eldest loves getting back to baking and gardening groups, middle loves getting back to music and drama groups, and youngest looks forward to computing and art - all things that can be done in some way at home, but delivered better by school and in groups).

@blameitonthecaffeine

I don't think it's common. But yes, there will always be some.

My cousin is a boarding tutor in a boarding prep school. The worst examples I've heard have come from her:
11 year old, only child, parents moved abroad. Parents asked the school to keep him over half term. School said they don't do that. Another child invited the child to go away with them. When phoned, parents said 'Great, that's that problem sorted.'

Another 11 year old. Parents brought them to school for the first time, unpacked their stuff with then told them they were getting divorced, didn't want to discuss it, would see the child in 3 weeks time and left.

Someone I know also works in a boarding school. A 13 y.o. in her second term fell ill, and was sent home, as she wished.

Promptly sent back by her parent, "we pay you to look after her - do your job".

A relative worked in pastoral care in a top boarding school. She said they had a few kids who had been dumped by uninterested parents, and the parents knew it. Holidays were largely spent in paid holiday camps or with friends families. They barely saw their parents.

Dont have a wife, they ruin your life
I never meant to get married, did ypu?
Sometimes wives need to be told they are being shits and they are unpleasant to be around

I wonder how many people defending the unreasonable comments (not the reasonable ones) on here would be happy with their partner saying the above to them/ in front of the to a third party?

I hate it when adults think its okay to have higher expectations of childrrns behaviour than adults, or think its okay to speak to a child in a way they would never accept from an adult

Telling a child they need to stop complaining about something is one thing, telling them they are little shits and unpleasant to be around is nasty

@sillysmiles okay being told as a child, no I don't want to read to you as it is boring reading books to you.
Do you really think that is okay? I dont.

Definitely.

I have an acquaintance who would forever be going on about how their child was a "little shit" or a "real arsehole" at times.

They thought it was a joke to talk about but their child is now talking and they still do it. Their child actually tells them it's not true and I find it sad a child needs to defend themselves like that at a young age.

Anything you say negatively about your child should never be in front of them.

@AllThePogs

A relative worked in pastoral care in a top boarding school. She said they had a few kids who had been dumped by uninterested parents, and the parents knew it. Holidays were largely spent in paid holiday camps or with friends families. They barely saw their parents.

Sorry typo, the children knew they had been dumped.

@HNY2022mam

Because we live in a very self centred world now and people do not grow up in extended families like they did in the past and had support/experience of young children all their lives, that’s my take on it.

Come on. I grew up in the 80’s and children were mostly outdoors playing all day so parents were easily able to get on with their own lives. My DM did a OU Degree and trained to be a teacher when I was very young. Children stay in doors mostly now due to concerns about fast traffic and safety. Parents years ago had space where they don’t now. Or children lived their lives around the parents (kids sat outside pubs in cars with a packet of crisps whilst the parents were inside drinking). Now it’s the other way round, which displays anything but selfishness in parents.

@phoenixrosehere

Because we live in a very self centred world now and people do not grow up in extended families like they did in the past and had support/experience of young children all their lives, that’s my take on it.

It’s not a new thing. I have heard parents doing this for decades. Some of you either were lucky not to experience this or have some rose-coloured glasses on about the past.

In the past, in my family, children were packed off to boarding school so they were only underfoot a few holidays each year. My father stopped the tradition. Although, when my father and mother divorced, the first thing my mother did was pack the youngest off to boarding school.

I am a person who helps others.
I watched my sister who was older go out all the time, get offered a few part time jobs , and get taken on holidays.
I had to stay home because I had younger siblings and was expected to do chores. So the house was tidy when my mum came home. Dinner was started ECT.
All I wanted my children to do was to help a bit, their rooms were always a mess . In the end I gave up and was depressed because of this.