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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are some parents so selfish !!!

194 replies

YogaRebel · 13/01/2022 08:02

Is it just me or do some parents constantly moan about how inconvenient their children are ? In front of them too. Triggers me.

OP posts:
AsYouWishButtercup · 13/01/2022 09:18

*being, not meningitis (WTF autocorrect)

Charles11 · 13/01/2022 09:19

Yes, context is important but I think most of us know the difference between when we’re having a moan, or calling our children terrors but still in a warm affectionate way and hearing genuine resentment. That tone is uncomfortable to hear.

SeeMyLanyardAndWeepBitch · 13/01/2022 09:21

Triggers you? Confused

Triggers you how?

Zara2008 · 13/01/2022 09:22

Depends I think. Give examples?

I moaned to my mum about my teen yesterday in his earshot. I don't feel bad. He'd been completely out of order and had done something horrible. The boy doesn't and has never wanted for anything teenagers can be awful.

I do see parents on the school run or in the supermarket speaking to their young children like absolute shit and calling them names over nothing or for something like walking too slowly, or for chatting away. The parents just seem to have no patience.

Parenting is a hard slog at times and I don't think it hurts to have a moan.

JeshusHChr · 13/01/2022 09:24

@blameitonthecaffeine

I don't think it's common. But yes, there will always be some.

My cousin is a boarding tutor in a boarding prep school. The worst examples I've heard have come from her:
11 year old, only child, parents moved abroad. Parents asked the school to keep him over half term. School said they don't do that. Another child invited the child to go away with them. When phoned, parents said 'Great, that's that problem sorted.'

Another 11 year old. Parents brought them to school for the first time, unpacked their stuff with then told them they were getting divorced, didn't want to discuss it, would see the child in 3 weeks time and left.

That's bloody awful. Some people should just never have had kids.
blameitonthecaffeine · 13/01/2022 09:24

Oh, I missed the trigger bit. Feel bad for posting specific detail now.

Presumably, the OP suffered emotional abuse or neglect as a child and hearing things that sound similar to what she experienced upset her. Nobody shoukd have to apologise for or justify what shakes their mental health.

Hadenoughofthisbullshit · 13/01/2022 09:25

Maybe she does have an actual mental health problem?

I hate how sneery people are about mental health, and the way that the word ‘trigger’ has become a joke really disheartening when it has actually happened to you. I have trauma issues (dissociation and panic attacks) maybe the poster above does too.

Andtheyalllookjustthesame · 13/01/2022 09:25

It is important for parents to vent, ofc, but I also think that a lot of this reinforces the idea that kids are inherently wild and naughty and not naturally good, kind, polite, and considerate. This is nonsense. Kids have great capacity for positive behaviour and all these good attributes. They aren't wild animals to be tamed into submission, they are motivated by the same things that we adults are. Social acceptance and approval, love, compassion, kindness, creativity, fun, laugher, a thirst for knowledge, a desire to do well and to improve themselves. If my children behave like monsters, I don't think that that is because they are kids. I think it's sign that I need to teach them better skills for self discipline, emotional regulation and frustration tolerance. Children are brilliant at living up to our expectations. If we expect them to be monstrous, they will be. If we expect them to be the best of humanity then they will often rise to that expectation too. They are able of a lot more than a lot of grown ups give them credit for.

ppeatfruit · 13/01/2022 09:26

I'm not sure how many parents bother to get books or go on line about child development. sometimes I think that they really don't realise that their lives are going to be changed by having a baby\child.
It is sad for the children.

Lipsandlashes · 13/01/2022 09:27

I'd never do it in front of my children but I think parents have every right to moan about their kids sometimes. We're all human and pushing each other's buttons - moaning about our colleagues, parents, DH/DW. How are kids any different?

Silverswirl · 13/01/2022 09:28

@echt literally triggered by the world triggered. Brilliant 🤣

DrManhattan · 13/01/2022 09:28

It's OK to vent, to not like being a parent, to dislike your kids but why do it in front of them? It's just cruel. I don't get what the beef with the op is and some of the comments on here.

MindyStClaire · 13/01/2022 09:29

@AsYouWishButtercup

See I’m the opposite, I think it’s ok to say parenting is hard, boring and shit, and I think it should be ok to talk about it. It never did anyone any good being a Mary Poppins “I love meningitis a mum so much” tripe where people (women) hold it in and say nothing. Especially in the early days when risk of PND is so high and we are still in a world where depression is shameful for many. Let’s encourage more honest conversations - we don’t stop being human just because we’ve had children.

Triggers me

Other people not loving parenting triggers you? Well maybe that’s your problem not theirs

Exactly this. I moan about my kids all the time, as do all of my friends. Surely it heavily depends on what's said and the understanding of the children.
aSofaNearYou · 13/01/2022 09:31

@DrManhattan

It's OK to vent, to not like being a parent, to dislike your kids but why do it in front of them? It's just cruel. I don't get what the beef with the op is and some of the comments on here.
I think it's the vagueness of the OP but drama of it. Without any context it just sounds like they are being precious.
ppeatfruit · 13/01/2022 09:33

Often you hear children being told off for being children. Speaking a little loudly or exercising after a long journey or whatever.

On trains in France you hear some parents making more noise 'hissing' at the children just to stop normal level talking, than their repressed kids are making.

I get the feeling they are afraid of losing control of them.

shouldistop · 13/01/2022 09:36

@ppeatfruit

Often you hear children being told off for being children. Speaking a little loudly or exercising after a long journey or whatever.

On trains in France you hear some parents making more noise 'hissing' at the children just to stop normal level talking, than their repressed kids are making.

I get the feeling they are afraid of losing control of them.

They're probably afraid of the judgement of other people to be honest. How often have you read threads on here talking about 'badly behaved' children in public or 'performance parenting'. Parents mums can't get it right.
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/01/2022 09:37

Presumably, the OP suffered emotional abuse or neglect as a child and hearing things that sound similar to what she experienced upset her.

I thought this too! How awful for pps to be sneering and laughing at the word “triggers” without knowing the full story.

It could be someone misusing the word, or even a journo looking for stories, however it could also be someone should had a genuinely abusive or difficult childhood and can’t bring themselves to say more.

Lipsandlashes · 13/01/2022 09:39

@ppeatfruit

Often you hear children being told off for being children. Speaking a little loudly or exercising after a long journey or whatever.

On trains in France you hear some parents making more noise 'hissing' at the children just to stop normal level talking, than their repressed kids are making.

I get the feeling they are afraid of losing control of them.

I don't think it's so much about losing control of them but more about being judged by other people on bad parenting, because your child is a bit loud or over-excited. I think a lot of parents are really self-conscious of their child being perceived as anything less than perfect in public.
sweetcheekweak · 13/01/2022 09:39

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Presumably, the OP suffered emotional abuse or neglect as a child and hearing things that sound similar to what she experienced upset her.

I thought this too! How awful for pps to be sneering and laughing at the word “triggers” without knowing the full story.

It could be someone misusing the word, or even a journo looking for stories, however it could also be someone should had a genuinely abusive or difficult childhood and can’t bring themselves to say more.

Or they could equally be one of the many posters on here who spit their dummy out when someone describes their child as an asshole on a mumsnet post.

They exist, the drama in the post makes this just as likely.

Hemingwayzcatz · 13/01/2022 09:39

Depends. If you mean calling them a pain in the arse every so often then this is pretty normal I’d say, children are a PITA sometimes. If you mean actually bullying them with constant put downs and making them regularly feel unwanted and unloved then of course you have a point.

3scape · 13/01/2022 09:40

I presume them to be the same ones who drive their kids to school and park on the zig zags or double yellow lines. They probably grow into the retired people who put cones and bins on the road outside their houses. Certainly listening to these two tribes mudslinging every morning must make their children feel very insignificant.

ppeatfruit · 13/01/2022 09:40

Shouldistop Yes it's true . You hear it in England too both parents do it not just mums but it's not so prevalent here.

Original poster
YogaRebel · 13/01/2022 09:40

Parenting IS hard work and all parents need to vent / talk to other parents / mates fairly frequently to stay sane. So no I don't mean that. But do it out of earshot of your kid ? And yes - we all need a break, have others take care of our kids sometimes cos we re not bloody superhuman - so I don't think that's an issue

I mean the - ' I don't see why I should have to ...
read my child a story EVERY night - the books are so boring,

to do the school run every day - I don't like it, it so inconvenient, I get x to do it

play with my kid on my holiday - I need a rest, I'll put them in clubs even if they cry and say they don't like it

Actually know someone that in front of their kid says -don't have kids they ruin your life.

Parents that missed the memo that kids will disrupt your life and blame the kid for all their inconvenience to their life.

OP posts:
PinchOfVom · 13/01/2022 09:40

I’ve heard countless patents berating their children at the school gates, nearly always because the child has dropped or left something behind or been late. It’s always about the parents inconvenience. I do wonder if working full time just adds so much pressure that there isn’t any reserve for patience. My child leaving a sports bag at home is irritating but not the disaster it would be if I were about to head to an airport for business.

sweetcheekweak · 13/01/2022 09:42

@YogaRebel

Parenting IS hard work and all parents need to vent / talk to other parents / mates fairly frequently to stay sane. So no I don't mean that. But do it out of earshot of your kid ? And yes - we all need a break, have others take care of our kids sometimes cos we re not bloody superhuman - so I don't think that's an issue

I mean the - ' I don't see why I should have to ...
read my child a story EVERY night - the books are so boring,

to do the school run every day - I don't like it, it so inconvenient, I get x to do it

play with my kid on my holiday - I need a rest, I'll put them in clubs even if they cry and say they don't like it

Actually know someone that in front of their kid says -don't have kids they ruin your life.

Parents that missed the memo that kids will disrupt your life and blame the kid for all their inconvenience to their life.

So as expected

You're being ridiculous

Putting kids in holidays clubs isn't negative