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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What age is too old for a first baby, in your opinion?

258 replies

AbsentmindedWoman · 12/01/2022 16:30

Obviously, there's a wealth of information out there in terms of studies and research. Everyone knows fertility does decline with age, and that risks of things like miscarriage increase.

But women are also having first babies later and later. I'm 37, and because of health issues, have never been in the place to be able to ttc. I don't know if it's just part of the grieving process or not, but I'm not quite ready to fully let go of the idea of a child of my own - I can't accept that it would, realistically, be too late to start trying even if my doctors did miraculously give me the go ahead next year.

Posting in AIBU as people are frank and honest here, without much sugar coating! What do you privately feel is probably too late for a first baby?

OP posts:
Rubyyyy · 12/01/2022 21:17

I think up until 45 is fine, people are much more active these days.

AliasGrape · 12/01/2022 21:17

[quote PurpleRainlnTheSky]@AbsentmindedWoman

Anything over 36/37 is too old for a first baby. Ignore the posters saying 45.. That's ludicrous.[/quote]
Noted.

I’ll send DD back then will I?

MsMeNz · 12/01/2022 21:18

What would make me raise my eyebrows.. probably around 46-47 for first.

What I could cope with given how I have felt at certain ages I couldn't imagine having my first after 34/35. I just couldn't do it after that physically too tired n slower to recover etc.

I had mine in my mid to late twenties for reference.

Scbchl · 12/01/2022 21:18

44+

CleanUpTime · 12/01/2022 21:19

Its really so individual to you so when you are ready to start and stop is right

For me I always said I wouldn't want to be older than 30.
I had my only dc at 26- im almost 32 now. Between 28-30 i desperately wanted another baby but dh didnt want anymore and I accepted that.

Mil was 37 when she had dh and he always felt she was too old (!!) But I think being 37 in 1984 is a bit different to 37 now somehow

PurpleRainlnTheSky · 12/01/2022 21:22

@AliasGrape The OP asked for peoples opinions.

I gave mine.

What's your problem? I don't see you getting sniffy and huffy with anyone else.

I am entitled to my opinion, just like anyone else. Not my problem if you are offended by it.

I had mine in my late 20s/early 30s. If someone said that was too young, or too old, I wouldn't give a shit because I am happy with the age I had my kids.

You are clearly not happy with the age you had yours, and are projecting.

As you were..........

Ladywinesalot · 12/01/2022 21:25

After 38
In your 40’s and your selfish
You’ll be 50 when your dc is 10

That would have been grandparent age a generation ago

And yes women do have a biological clock

cjpark · 12/01/2022 21:27

Personally and ideally, before 30 for me, but I understand women trying up to 45.

Ladywinesalot · 12/01/2022 21:27

Think ppl are mental for having first dc at 45!
Womens bodies change a lot post 40
We should enjoying our lives not running around!

Offmyfence · 12/01/2022 21:30

In fairness @PurpleRainlnTheSky you were asking OP to ignore posters you stated 45 as acceptable.

What makes you think you're right and they are wrong?

FYI I had my Dc long before age 45, but I don't think that gives me the right to tell OP to ignore their opinions.

So not sure why you're given @AliasGrape a hard time, she's clearly had a DC at 45 and I'd happy.

Offmyfence · 12/01/2022 21:32

@Ladywinesalot

Think ppl are mental for having first dc at 45! Womens bodies change a lot post 40 We should enjoying our lives not running around!
Mental??? What an awful word.

Jesus I thought that vile type of generalisation wording had stopped..... but obviously not!

Ponoka7 · 12/01/2022 21:34

My Mum had me at 40, she was exceptionally fit and healthy. She worked in a physical job until 76 and did childcare for me up until 79. But she was really out of date with how the world had moved on. She had no understanding of the opportunities available to me on leaving school. If that isn't an issue, then I'd say 44. But the women in my family live healthily until 80's.

Phrowzunn · 12/01/2022 21:34

I always wanted to be done by 35 (which I will be, pregnant with my 3rd and final at 33) BUT I was extremely fortunate and met my wonderful DH when we were very young and had no fertility problems, so had the luxury of being able to control that. I think in reality if I found myself childless at 35, I would probably push it to 40, and if I found myself childless at 40, who knows. Although obviously I think you have to be prepared for it to be a (potentially, although not definitely) more difficult process. Good luck to you whatever you decide Flowers

notyouagainn · 12/01/2022 21:35

I had one at 37 would not want to be any older but for others I would say early forties.

Lanique · 12/01/2022 21:35

For me personally, 37.

In terms of others, I would raise my eyebrows at post-43ish. Not in a disapproving way but more in a 'wow, you're brave' kind of way!

DukeofEarlGrey · 12/01/2022 21:36

I think there are too many variables to be absolute. There are no guarantees for any of us, but I think if a healthy woman of 46-48 can naturally conceive a child then fair play to her. Many women of that age are healthy, financially secure, emotionally mature and may well live healthily into their 80s.

Lanique · 12/01/2022 21:36

Bit of a cross post there @notyouagainn ... great minds Smile

fantasmasgoria1 · 12/01/2022 21:37

I think it depends on the person. If I had not had a baby by 30 I probably would never have but generally 40 or thereabouts.

SockFluffInTheBath · 12/01/2022 21:38

For me personally, no judgement or concern for anyone else, I wouldn’t have wanted any- first, second, third- after 40. I’m 43 and there’s no chuffing way I’d cope with the sleepless nights, constant on the go, stress and health complications now.

Darhon · 12/01/2022 21:39

After 38. In your 40’s and your selfish. You’ll be 50 when your dc is 10

Actually until contraception they were more babies born to women in their 40s than there are now. It’s only very recently with the trend to later motherhood that population figures are catching up.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 12/01/2022 21:42

Think ppl are mental for having first dc at 45!
Womens bodies change a lot post 40
We should enjoying our lives not running around!

You could say that about any life stage.

Kids at 20! You should be out partying and enjoying yourself not bogged down in nappies!

Kids at 30! You should be getting your career established, not going part time and ruining your earning potential!

Kids at 40! You’re too old! You should have had your kids and be getting your life back!

Not had kids! Oh you’ve missed the boat and will never get to experience that love for a child. Your life is worthless.

Women can’t get it right whatever they do. There’s always someone who’ll judge and say you’ve done it wrong and should have done what they did.

My body is fine post 40, thanks, and hasn’t changed much at all. No more so than any other life stage.

People seem to think women hit 40 and are suddenly exhausted all the time, their ovaries are shrivelling into infertility, and generally past it. Not to mention wrinkly and saggy Hmm

AliasGrape · 12/01/2022 21:42

@PurpleRainlnTheSky

Whatever, I’ll bite - only once more though.

You pronounced that over 36/37 was too old - not qualifying that it was in your opinion or that it would have been too old for you/ your circumstances, but stated like a fact. And you called other people ludicrous for having a different opinion so seems weird to get all precious about being challenged on your own post but oh well.

I’m projecting nothing love. I had my daughter at 40. She’s perfect. My pregnancy was a breeze and I’m absolutely loving every minute. I’d have thought it hugely insensitive to post about how happy you are with when you had your children without acknowledging that an awful lot of women don’t get the luxury of making that choice - infertility being a real fucker and all - but great that it all worked out for you within the approve timeframe.

To OP - I really do wish you the best of luck. Honestly I don’t think there is a ‘too old’ except that which your own health and circumstances dictate. These threads will always get people talking about how tired you are in your 40s but generally they’re people who already had kids - it’s the having kids that’s knackering, not the turning 40 part! I’m honestly no more tired than any other mum I know. The later you have your first the more likely it is that there might not be another - that’s something I did think I was ok with before I got pregnant but has become more of a sadness now DD is here, but as a PP said - the idea that I’d miss out on genuinely the best thing that ever happened to me and the incredible little person I get to love every day because of it, or because I might SHOCK HORROR be 50 when she’s in year 6 is totally ludicrous. 50 is really not that big a deal either.

My mum was 40 when I was born too - for the record. She was awesome and I wouldn’t have swapped her for the world. Advantages and disadvantages both ways.

Staryflight445 · 12/01/2022 21:43

35 imo.

Patapouf · 12/01/2022 21:43

I think after 42 is really just a bit too old but I'd never judge anyone for wanting and trying after my own arbitrary cut off.

46 and older is dipping into the realms of selfish though because she'd be elderly by the time the child finished uni but I think the desire to have children doesn't make us reasonable and rational it's a deep biological need.

Ponoka7 · 12/01/2022 21:43

@Ladywinesalot
"You’ll be 50 when your dc is 10"

So?