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AIBU?

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Original poster

What age is too old for a first baby, in your opinion?

258 replies

AbsentmindedWoman · 12/01/2022 16:30

Obviously, there's a wealth of information out there in terms of studies and research. Everyone knows fertility does decline with age, and that risks of things like miscarriage increase.

But women are also having first babies later and later. I'm 37, and because of health issues, have never been in the place to be able to ttc. I don't know if it's just part of the grieving process or not, but I'm not quite ready to fully let go of the idea of a child of my own - I can't accept that it would, realistically, be too late to start trying even if my doctors did miraculously give me the go ahead next year.

Posting in AIBU as people are frank and honest here, without much sugar coating! What do you privately feel is probably too late for a first baby?

OP posts:
MangoLipstick · 12/01/2022 19:49

For me personally, 38.
I conceived Dc no.1 at 33, recently turned 36 and ttc another.
My mum and 2 older sisters all had babies late 30’s and early 40’s (but not their 1st dc) and we’re all healthy/had no complications.

It’s all down to the individual though, isn’t it.

My younger sister had her 1st dc aged 20 and although she has no regrets, and her and dc are super close, she found it difficult being that young and said ideally she would have liked to have been 10 years older.

AppleButterfly · 12/01/2022 19:50

For me personally my cut off is 30 ish, for first or last baby. I wouldn't want to be 50+ by time they're 18.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 12/01/2022 19:51

Depends how many you want. I was 40, and she's my only one, and I think that is my limit for ANY child, because of the increased risk to the baby. That was already risking the baby's health to my maximum, I paid for extra tests to check baby during pregnancy to do my best to ensure that she was ok. Lots of other considerations too as PP have said, and I'm already regretful that I'll be X old when she is X old sort of thing.....
But if more children are planned, I would say 35. Problems can be encountered that delay things, or prevent having children altogether.

5128gap · 12/01/2022 19:55

I genuinely don't think there is a set one if the woman is able to cope and can do so safely, either naturally or with intervention. We've long since moved away from our biology dictating our parenting situations, and there are so many factors that influence how suited we are to the role, and the impact on our children, our age being just one of them.

Freecuthbert · 12/01/2022 19:55

I don't think 37 is too old at all! I wouldn't judge a woman whatever age she wants to try for a baby, obviously women are limited by menopause and declining fertility as they age but at 37 it shouldn't be a big concern. I think if you wanted 5 kids it would be unwise to wait until your 40s for example, because then you'd only disappoint yourself as it's unlikely you'll be able to have 5 kids during that time. But I think it's fine to wait until 40 to try for one or two, and many women do this nowadays. It's none of my business though, I think all I'm trying to say it's whenever a woman feels ready while at the same time managing her own expectations and being realistic.

BrambleRoses · 12/01/2022 19:58

I had my first and to date only baby aged 40. I’ve never been happier and the idea I might have missed this because (gasp) I’ll be in my fifties when he is in his teens is just crazy.

Triphazards · 12/01/2022 20:13

104

TheHairyDinosaur · 12/01/2022 20:16

@AppleButterfly

For me personally my cut off is 30 ish, for first or last baby. I wouldn't want to be 50+ by time they're 18.
I'm the same as you. I couldn't imagine being 45 with a newborn personally.

I however accept I am in a privileged position that I had my son at 24. My first and only as he wasn't planned. I'm now 32 and would never ever consider having another baby now, I personally feel too old now to be going through pregnancy and the newborn stage. I think I'd die of tiredness. I've also built a lively career for myself and I'd hate to jeapordise it.

But I can completely understand others saying 40+ as they may well feel that's fine, and I don't disagree, we are all different.

Sodullincomparison · 12/01/2022 20:17

I had my first at 39. I often think I would do much more energy if I was dealing with a preschooler ten years ago but ten years ago I was having a very exciting life.

The good thing about being in our forties with established careers and a bank of amazing adventures means we were ready for some quieter times.

Not sure there is a perfect age or a cut off point as everyone’s circumstances/ health/ fertility differs. It’s not something all of us can make happen as planned.

miltonj · 12/01/2022 20:22

It's different for everyone. My cut off for myself is 35. But would feel differently if I didn't have my kids by then. I think in general around 43 ish is pushing it a bit far but that's just my opinion and wouldn't look down on anyone for doing differently.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 12/01/2022 20:32

I don't think there should be any cut off for a much-wanted first baby. I'd just keep trying until I couldn't try any more!

OP you are only 37! I didn't have my one and only I till I was 42. Having a baby was the best thing I ever did.

I would have accepted no baby if I'd tried and it didn't happen. I could never have accepted not having a baby if I hadn't tried.

If you want a baby, don't let the thought of 'a certain age' put you off. Just do it!

I hope your Dr gives you the go ahead. Good luck Thanks

Greenblue12 · 12/01/2022 20:34

If you’d really like a child it’s up to you and personal preference.

Depends on circumstances. A person at 45 might have lots of family in their area to help or finances to hire help. This would be massively easier than someone 30 with neither.

If you’d really like a baby you can make it work any time.

I thought I’d reached the perfect time in my life, then the pandemic came. There’s never a right time to have a baby.

sweetcheekweak · 12/01/2022 20:36

For me personally my cut off was 35 as I wanted more than one

MarshaBradyo · 12/01/2022 20:38

You are not too old

I have big age gaps so started at 30 then 3rd in 40s

GettingItOutThere · 12/01/2022 20:39

IMO 45 is too old.

My cut off is 35, still not old but its exhausting as is, I could not imagine being in my 50's with primary age kids!

tillytoodles1 · 12/01/2022 20:42

I had my second child at 24 then my H had a vasectomy. We didn't want to be older parents so it was the right time for us. By the time I was forty, one was an adult and the other one was almost 16.

MrsMo21 · 12/01/2022 20:50

For me, about 33 but I’m a terrible pregnant person and suffer horribly - having babies seems to completely destroy my physical health.
I think you should take into account any physical health issues in your decision but I don’t think there’s any age that’s too old if your body and mine can handle it!

Redheadsturnheads · 12/01/2022 20:55

There are advantages as an older mother as well as disadvantages.

I had my first at 39. I was in a financial position to be able to go part time for the first 3 years and spend lots of time with DD without too much of a dent in our financial position.

We had managed to have the ‘forever’ family home by the time she arrived and because we hadn’t had childcare costs etc when we were younger and we had managed to pay down our mortgage. We also were both at very senior positions in our career because we were both able to work all the hours god sent which we couldn’t if we had a child younger.

The disadvantage is that we will probably only be able to have one child. I also should add I was very lucky and had a great pregnancy and a healthy baby.

TheFlyHalfsMum · 12/01/2022 21:00

In my view, if you still can conceive, it’s not too late. With the exception perhaps if taking extreme measures to get there after the menopause…

PurpleRainlnTheSky · 12/01/2022 21:02

@AbsentmindedWoman

Anything over 36/37 is too old for a first baby. Ignore the posters saying 45.. That's ludicrous.

Rubyupbeat · 12/01/2022 21:04

Over 35

pussycatunpickingcrossesagain · 12/01/2022 21:09

35 max.

puffyisgood · 12/01/2022 21:15

"first baby" is pretty meaningless imo because it could be your last or it could be your intention to have more.

purely based on gut feel rather than anything meaningful, but my instinct is that if age means you need donor eggs to conceive (of course I understand that some women may need this sort of treatment even in their early 20s), your body is sending you a pretty clear message. so in practice I suppose I tend to view 43-45 ish as the very final outbuildings of the last chance saloon.

Rubyyyy · 12/01/2022 21:15

My mum didn’t have me till she was 35 and my cousin didn’t have her baby till 35 either, infact both struggled to get pregnant until they reached mid 30s, seems we get more fertile later in life!?
I’m 30 and have been trying for a while il probably be the same, DH is already 36.

FuggyPidding · 12/01/2022 21:16

First could also be last...

For me, I wouldn't want a baby at 40 or over.