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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What age is too old for a first baby, in your opinion?

258 replies

AbsentmindedWoman · 12/01/2022 16:30

Obviously, there's a wealth of information out there in terms of studies and research. Everyone knows fertility does decline with age, and that risks of things like miscarriage increase.

But women are also having first babies later and later. I'm 37, and because of health issues, have never been in the place to be able to ttc. I don't know if it's just part of the grieving process or not, but I'm not quite ready to fully let go of the idea of a child of my own - I can't accept that it would, realistically, be too late to start trying even if my doctors did miraculously give me the go ahead next year.

Posting in AIBU as people are frank and honest here, without much sugar coating! What do you privately feel is probably too late for a first baby?

OP posts:
KarlUrbansWife · 12/01/2022 17:51

Generally speaking, I'd say 45 ish, but it's very much personal choice. I think health and general fitness also play a large part. I am 40 and have all the DC I'm ever going to, I just couldn't cope now. A far fitter woman than me could have no trouble.

AliceS1994 · 12/01/2022 18:00

I can only speak of my personal preference and would not want a first baby after 35, ideally I will be finished having all my kids by then. This is only my preference and for sure I would feel differently if in another life I wasn't in a position to have children until later. My thoughts are that I wouldn't be able to handle the stress of trying to conceive and other risks associated with age, for others it would be worth the extra worry of course!

Hellolittlestar · 12/01/2022 18:01

Just my opinion, older than 42 is probably pushing a bit.

sazzy5 · 12/01/2022 18:02

40 would be my cut off, but it is no ones business but your own.

lioncitygirl · 12/01/2022 18:02

45

Cyw2018 · 12/01/2022 18:05

Post Menopause, so long as you are prepared for the slightly higher risks involved, but since there is risk involved in pregnancy and childbirth at any age, then any couple TTC should consider the possibility of things not going to plan whatever their age.

shinynewapple21 · 12/01/2022 18:05

I has my only DC at 37.

At the time we decided not to try for another as I wanted to leave a couple of years gap and considered over 40 may be a bit too old, especially with a toddler. A few years later having observed a colleague having two children in her early 40s I wondered should we have tried for a second after all.

Siameasy · 12/01/2022 18:07

Personally 45 (my age) but if I fell pregnant accidentally I would feel torn. If I was 45 and had never had a kid I would keep trying until I had one! I wouldn’t care about my age. But I have had one so it’s easy for me to say!

Tayegete · 12/01/2022 18:08

Totally dependent on your circumstances but having seen friends who had them older and younger I think 35 for the last one is about right. If you are 37 now I would go for it (if your circumstances allow). Personally at 45 a pre-teen and teenager are more than enough I couldn’t deal with a baby/toddler. Although obviously everyone has different levels of health/fitness.

NumberTheory · 12/01/2022 18:09

I was 40 and I really wish I had done it 5 years earlier. We have managed and everyone's fine but if I had my time over and got to that point without kids for whatever reason, I wouldn't do it again. I was not the main driver behind us having kids though, so your own judgement on what's worth it may be quite different.

Almostwelsh · 12/01/2022 18:09

Menopause. Unless you want more than one, in which case late 30s, as you don’t know how long it will take to conceive

Isthatthebestyoucando · 12/01/2022 18:14

I don't think there's a cut off for a first and only. I felt older when my child was small than I do now and I had him at 32.

I feel old and tired when I'm carrying weight, when I'm indoors more and when I don't see adults as much. I'm 41 now, my child has some independence, sleepovers hobbies etc, I can run out for errands without him and he doesn't want me to play with him as much as he used to. I feel very much in myself like I did pre child.

My friend is early 50's and has tweens, we spoke about this once and she had a ten year flagging due to having two and dragging the young child period out longer, she's enjoyed the last few years though.

PanettoneMoly · 12/01/2022 18:15
  1. I had one at 40 and I think my personal cut off is also influenced by friends and locality. My NCT group of 8 people were all 34 years and over, average maternal age at my local hospital was late 30’s, and only one of my wider friendship group had their first under the age of 30.
runningfromtheoutlaws · 12/01/2022 18:15

40 plus

kitcat15 · 12/01/2022 18:16

Its very very individual.... me personally I wanted my first baby by 25 ( now 57) ....any older seemed too old to me....30 still seems very old to me for a first baby ( my first born is in 30s now) ..... my DD had her first at 21....2nd at 24 .... now she is 28 she says she is far too old for more babies.... its a very individual decision

runningfromtheoutlaws · 12/01/2022 18:17

My own personal number was 34, thats when I had Dc 4

Waxonwaxoff0 · 12/01/2022 18:19

It's hard to say. I was finished having children by age 22. That's just how my life worked out.

I shudder at the idea of having a baby past 40, but would I feel that way if I hadn't had children so young? Who knows.

I do think 45+ is too old, for both men and women.

soupmaker · 12/01/2022 18:28

I had my first at 37. Was just how life turned out. I didn't meet DH until I was 34 and hadn't wanted to have children with previous partner. I fell pregnant quickly and loved being pregnant.

I went on to have another DC just before I turned 43. I had 2 MC at 12 weeks and more than likely a third in very early days before conceiving her.

Honestly, I'd get going as soon as you can. If I'd got to 40 and hadn't managed to successfully conceive by then I'd have given up. But, each to their own, and best of luck.

yourestandingonmyneck · 12/01/2022 18:29

I think there's such a mismatch between what's biologically best and what now suits our lifestyles and the way we live.

I see some young mums (late teens / early 20s) and hugely admire their energy and the fact that they don't seem to overthink things (the way I did) and how they just get on with it. They seem to cope with the tiredness very well and their bodies weather the storm very well. Biologically I think that's the optimum age. It can also offer a long relationship with grandparents.

Socially, I can see that by time a woman has travelled and lived and has a career and is financially stable, later in life can be better. The biggest drawback I can see to this is not having parents (or grandparents) in their life for as long.

But, as with everything, so much of it depends on personal circumstances. Someone in good health and who is hugely wealthy could have a baby quite late on I think (for example, 50s). They can hire help and also provide financially for their child for the rest of their lives.

For normal people, in my opinion, personally, I would say maybe 42ish, but I wouldn't judge anyone who did it later.

MummyMe87 · 12/01/2022 18:31

I would say 43 due to risk factors, but it’s very individual. There are some very fit and healthy 44:45yr olds and some very unhealthy 20 somethings

Chely · 12/01/2022 18:32

I think the body let's you know how old is too old, not a specific age.

Personally have always said I want to be done by 40 though. I coped as well with pregnancy at 36/37 with our youngest as I did at 20/21 with our eldest. I was still doing heavy lifts in the gym at 35wks pregnant last year and was back in the gym 10 weeks post c-section (fitter now than in my youth). My age did tick a box for risk factors, hadn't with our twins at 30.

PaperMonster · 12/01/2022 18:34

@Nomoreusernames1244

We have this thread fairly regularly Hmm.

Personally I think too old is when you’ve been through menopause and can no longer naturally get pregnant.

Tbh probably 40 at a very push 45 I just think how knackered I would be at that age trying to run around after toddlers

If you keep fit and heathy there’s absolutely no reason you’d be any more knackered. I’m 50, work shifts, lift weights, run, and have way more energy than many of my younger colleagues who don’t exercise and spend their evenings drinking wine.

Everyone seem to assume older=tireder, but I disagree.

Absolutely agree with this. Had mine at 42. Always been a very tired person which stood me in good stead for having a baby!! 52 now and, shock horror for some, have a child still in primary school! And I have a lot more energy than I had when I was child-free!
Viviennemary · 12/01/2022 18:34

I think before 40 is best. Wouldn't even consider trying at 44. Too risky. But everyone needs to decide for themselves.

MopaniTree · 12/01/2022 18:36

Very hard to put a specific age as life doesn't just run to plan. If ivf is required then I would keep going till about 45 as long as my mental heath could take it. I wouldn't want to go much past that age for a first baby but that is subjective.

caringcarer · 12/01/2022 18:37

When you can't conceive naturally. I don't mean those who can't conceive naturally at all should never have a baby but imho if you could have had a baby when you were younger but chose not to then when you go through menopause you are too old to have a baby.