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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is cheeky AF

156 replies

ByeByeNye · 12/01/2022 15:48

Brother and soon-to-be SIL are having a destination wedding. Going to cost us about £1k-£1.5k for us to go (me, DH, and kids with flights, accommodation and spending money).

Really want to be at my brothers wedding as I love him dearly. I like my future SIL, so please don't get the impression that I don't by this post. However, I can't help thinking that they're completely underestimating how much it's going to cost their guests to attend their wedding, as they've put a request for money as a gift on their wedding invitations.

I genuinely think it's very cheeky and want to tell them it ain't happening 🤣

AIBU?

OP posts:
LaBellina · 12/01/2022 15:50

YANBU! It’s grabby and unrealistic to expect that from guests after all the money they spend on just being able to attend the wedding. I would consider their presence there as a wonderful gift in itself.

Gazelda · 12/01/2022 15:56

Depending on how the request for cash was made, I'd be saying something like "oh gosh, we've prioritised our budget this year to be at your wedding, but I'm afraid we can't stretch it any more. We're Sure you understand"

AlphabetStew · 12/01/2022 15:59

What would your brother say if you offered to give the couple a £1k gift instead of attending?

Momicrone · 12/01/2022 16:11

If you can afford, i think destination weddings are a great excuse for a little holiday in what I would presume is a lovely part of the world. I would be delighted to be invited

ShirleyPhallus · 12/01/2022 16:12

This is like MN catnip isn’t it? What other phrases can you get in there to really rile people up.

Oooh, maybe it was a poem?

MorningStarling · 12/01/2022 16:13

Destination weddings are a way of getting more out of the people you've invited whilst trimming the number who will actually attend.

Their thinking is you'll realise it's better to give them £750 and not attend than spend £1000 and then have to get a gift as well.

Hotyogahotchoc · 12/01/2022 16:15

I think asking for gifts is cheeky anyway but yes definitely in these circumstances

But it is your brother

drpet49 · 12/01/2022 16:15

I thought you didn’t give a wedding present if it was a destination wedding

StoopitAutocarrot · 12/01/2022 16:16

So those who go to their wedding don’t have to buy them a gift? Or is it just the money-as-gift that’s an issue?

MrsColon · 12/01/2022 16:16

Ask your brother if he'd rather have you attend or a gift, as you can't afford both.

StumbleStumbleStumbleTrip · 12/01/2022 16:16

Either go with good grace and give a token amount or decline
You don't need to tell them anything

TolkiensFallow · 12/01/2022 16:17

I didn’t expect anyone to attend my destination wedding but they did and when they asked what I wanted for a gift “I said gosh nothing, it’s costing you a fortune to come to my wedding”.

I think some people just put “cash” to avoid being bought gifts they don’t want but don’t actually expect anything at all.

Echobelly · 12/01/2022 16:18

I actually mind 'destination' weddings (unless they're to be near an elderly relative who can't travel) more than I mind asking for cash. I think that's reasonable in itself, but a lot to ask in to of requiring such a big outlay of your guests!

MrsColon · 12/01/2022 16:20

We got married in DH's home country and told folk not to get a gift as it cost c.£150 per couple in flights + accommodation

Chloemol · 12/01/2022 16:23

Well they might get a shock as I wouldn’t be gifting them any cash. I would just give them a card and inside say the cost of us attending is their present

Sally872 · 12/01/2022 16:24

Were you planning not to give them a gift? For me for a sibling wedding would double as family holiday that year so I wouldn't mind the expense. I wouldn't go to any destination weddings other than siblings or very close friends as I couldn't justify the money.

Crunched · 12/01/2022 16:31

@Gazelda

Depending on how the request for cash was made, I'd be saying something like "oh gosh, we've prioritised our budget this year to be at your wedding, but I'm afraid we can't stretch it any more. We're Sure you understand"
This ^ and follow up with "As funds are low, can we offer you an invitation to Sunday lunch/ bar-b-q date to be confirmed, to celebrate your marriage"
GnomeDePlume · 12/01/2022 16:31

Destination wedding as a family holiday is fine if it is actually somewhere you want to go to. Otherwise it is just somewhere difficult an expensive to get to.

guardiansofthegalaxychocs · 12/01/2022 16:34

I'd just message him and say something like "so excited for the wedding, just wanted to let you know that because it's a financial stretch for us to come, I'm only able to give you a token gift. Please know I love you loads and am wishing you and Soontobesil every happiness (even if you get a tea pot for a present!)".

LethargicActress · 12/01/2022 16:34

No, they know exactly how much it will cost their guests. They’re just under the impression that they and their wedding are so special and important that there’s no way you’d want to spend your money on anything else other than attending.

The request for money is spectacularly rude and totally distasteful. They’re probably hoping that the people who they know won’t come to their destination wedding but they’re inviting them anyway and asking for cash in the hope that they’ll still get some.

Considering this is your brother and you get on with his wife, I’d quietly mention that asking for a cash gift in a destination wedding invitation is too much. Even if everyone you know is loaded.

theNumbersStation · 12/01/2022 16:35

Hypothetical for me as I now look like two pigs cuddling in a sock.

But if I were to get married again and have a destination wedding, the gift would be the attendance.

vixeyann · 12/01/2022 16:38

However much I like someone, I wouldn't pay that much money to go and, equally, when I got married, I wouldn't have expected any guests to do the same either! The added money is very cheeky.

mrsbitaly · 12/01/2022 16:39

I had a destination wedding but completely understood if family or friends couldn't make it and absolutely didn't ask for gifts or money we made that clear

irishfarmer · 12/01/2022 16:40

That is very cheeky!! I would think destination wedding = no gift. I might still give one but I certainly wouldn't like it to be implied that I should.

Bluebluemoon39 · 12/01/2022 16:42

"An invite is a request, not a summons"

Isn't that how the old MN saying goes?

They are not CF's to have the wedding they want, wherever in the world they want it - they would be CF's however to get arsey if people can't afford it.

I must admit though, £1k for flights, accommodation and spending money for 4 people plus you get a holiday sounds cheap to me!