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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is cheeky AF

156 replies

ByeByeNye · 12/01/2022 15:48

Brother and soon-to-be SIL are having a destination wedding. Going to cost us about £1k-£1.5k for us to go (me, DH, and kids with flights, accommodation and spending money).

Really want to be at my brothers wedding as I love him dearly. I like my future SIL, so please don't get the impression that I don't by this post. However, I can't help thinking that they're completely underestimating how much it's going to cost their guests to attend their wedding, as they've put a request for money as a gift on their wedding invitations.

I genuinely think it's very cheeky and want to tell them it ain't happening 🤣

AIBU?

OP posts:
Faevern · 13/01/2022 18:26

I have never given a wedding gift at a destination wedding, my gift is me paying to be there.

Bugbabe1970 · 13/01/2022 18:29

Destination weddings 🙄
Pain in the ass!

marktayloruk · 13/01/2022 18:35

I wouldn't go - full stop.

saraclara · 13/01/2022 18:46

Is everyone choosing to ignore this bit?

"Don't feel the need to buy a gift, but if we want to get them anything money would be appreciated to put towards their honeymoon."

They've said that a gift is not necessary. But they'll be aware that some people will still want to give something (especially those who can't make the wedding) so they've left that option open on the invitation.

alienalan · 13/01/2022 18:49

In agree. It should have said your presence is enough, presents not needed.

But how much of a destination is it to only cost £1k for a family of 4

saraclara · 13/01/2022 18:50

@alienalan

In agree. It should have said your presence is enough, presents not needed.

But how much of a destination is it to only cost £1k for a family of 4

They HAVE said that presents are not needed.
Rrrob · 13/01/2022 18:52

I’m going to a destination wedding which will cost us at least as much, and they are asking people to pay for their own brunch on the day after the wedding……..

Insanelysilver · 13/01/2022 18:56

I honestly think destination weddings are great if they are in a position to pay for their family and other guests, but expecting people to pay for flight and accommodation seems very selfish to me, especially when the B&G get funny about people not attending.
For your DC and DSIL TB to ask for. money too seems a real P*ss take to me !

Maireas · 13/01/2022 18:58

@theNumbersStation

Hypothetical for me as I now look like two pigs cuddling in a sock.

But if I were to get married again and have a destination wedding, the gift would be the attendance.

😂😂😂 When I read "two pigs cuddling in a sack" I laughed so much, then I realised it was the inimitable Sheldon by another name! Brilliant!
Notreallyhappy · 13/01/2022 19:05

CFrs...destination weddings are a complete mugging!!! Family member dd had a small do,, 80 people turned up cost the dad £15k for the day plus the holiday cost.

Russelhobskettle · 13/01/2022 19:10

Now that you've posted what they actually said - you are being massively unreasonable. They aren't begging for money at all.

AnnaSW1 · 13/01/2022 19:17

I agree it's poor form on their part.

LawnFever · 13/01/2022 19:21

@Rrrob

I’m going to a destination wedding which will cost us at least as much, and they are asking people to pay for their own brunch on the day after the wedding……..
When we were getting married abroad some of the people on FB groups/wedding forums were crazy - some couples were expecting guests to pay the day fee for the hotel they’d chosen if they weren’t staying there, and asking people to pay for their own meal as well.
saraclara · 13/01/2022 19:25

@AnnaSW1

I agree it's poor form on their part.
Read OP's later post. On the invitation they said that a gift is not necessary. They simply gave an option for those who do want to give a gift.

OP was massively economical with the details in her first post. And every seems to have ignored the later one.

TheRemotePart · 13/01/2022 19:27

We had a destination wedding. But in a cheaper destination , and everyone got 18+notice.
We didn’t ask for any gifts ot money. And made sure our guests were not paying for drinks for best part of day

LawnFever · 13/01/2022 19:27

@saraclara

Is everyone choosing to ignore this bit?

"Don't feel the need to buy a gift, but if we want to get them anything money would be appreciated to put towards their honeymoon."

They've said that a gift is not necessary. But they'll be aware that some people will still want to give something (especially those who can't make the wedding) so they've left that option open on the invitation.

They really should say no gifts full stop, it’s not difficult, we did it and told everyone repeatedly no gifts of any kind and we never got any.
theNumbersStation · 13/01/2022 19:32

Ach now I’m lost.

A honeymoon after a destination wedding?

How would you want to do that?

They can always nob off to the other side of the island/town/country if they wanted away from everyone. Double bubble.

I’d be buying them a ticket to the village next door to their home town if they wanted a change of scenery so badly.

They may not be asking for money but to want a honeymoon on top? It just seems unnecessary.

THEDEACON · 13/01/2022 19:51

I would never not give a gift I paid for my sister's outfit and contributed to costs of wedding and still bought a gift I don't entertain requests for cash though

saraclara · 13/01/2022 20:01

@THEDEACON

I would never not give a gift I paid for my sister's outfit and contributed to costs of wedding and still bought a gift I don't entertain requests for cash though
It's the people who say that they would never not give a gift, that are the reason that people end up saying '..but if you want to' on their invitations, like the OP's brother has (and my daughter did - and no hers wasn't a destination wedding)

My DD's original draft for her invitations said 'please, no gifts, we just want your company'. But she was persuaded to change it by relatives who said 'but we can't not give you a gift - we want to!' And as she and my son in law didn't need any household items (they already had their own home, and it was tiny so they didn't have room for 'stuff') they ended up with something along the lines of the couple in this story.

Bertiebiscuit · 13/01/2022 20:02

Certainly far too cheeky, bang out of order - be busy that day

Jaxxy · 13/01/2022 20:04

@Gazelda

Depending on how the request for cash was made, I'd be saying something like "oh gosh, we've prioritised our budget this year to be at your wedding, but I'm afraid we can't stretch it any more. We're Sure you understand"
THIS
wentworthinmate · 13/01/2022 20:05

@MrsColon

Ask your brother if he'd rather have you attend or a gift, as you can't afford both.
Absolutely this. Expecting both is just rude.
saraclara · 13/01/2022 20:24

@wentworthinmate @MrsColon @Bertiebiscuit the invitation says that no gift is needed. The honeymoon cash is simply an option for those who are determined to give something. OP managed to avoid telling us that until she was pushed. Check out her further post.

Original poster
ByeByeNye · 13/01/2022 20:39

[quote saraclara]**@wentworthinmate* @MrsColon* @Bertiebiscuit the invitation says that no gift is needed. The honeymoon cash is simply an option for those who are determined to give something. OP managed to avoid telling us that until she was pushed. Check out her further post.[/quote]
As previously stated, I feel as though they should have said "No gifts", or simply not mentioned gifts (as I thought it went without saying that our gift is us paying so much to be there).

The fact that giving them money was mentioned puts pressure on people to give money, as they may feel that the expectation is there, as I have.

OP posts:
saraclara · 13/01/2022 20:46

The fact that giving them money was mentioned puts pressure on people to give money, as they may feel that the expectation is there, as I have.

That's your interpretation. If you choose to ignore them saying that gifts are NOT needed, then that's your choice. But it doesn't make them cheeky or grabby. They may well have been persuaded, as my DD was, that some people will insist on giving something (especially if they won't be travelling to the wedding) and that it's preferable to give those people some guidance.

What part of 'gifts are not needed' do you not get? As you are a sibling who is paying a lot to take the whole family to the wedding, and you like them both (so they must be nice people) I find it highly unlikely that they want or expect you to give them any cash.

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