Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is cheeky AF

156 replies

ByeByeNye · 12/01/2022 15:48

Brother and soon-to-be SIL are having a destination wedding. Going to cost us about £1k-£1.5k for us to go (me, DH, and kids with flights, accommodation and spending money).

Really want to be at my brothers wedding as I love him dearly. I like my future SIL, so please don't get the impression that I don't by this post. However, I can't help thinking that they're completely underestimating how much it's going to cost their guests to attend their wedding, as they've put a request for money as a gift on their wedding invitations.

I genuinely think it's very cheeky and want to tell them it ain't happening 🤣

AIBU?

OP posts:
pictish · 12/01/2022 17:15

Destination weddings are cheeky AF anyway, even if they’re a common theme now. Just because lots of people do it doesn’t mean it’s not a monstrous ask. It is. These things can and often do cost friends and family ££££s.
Expecting prezzies on top of guests’ holiday budget and annual leave is bloody greedy. It’s a wedding, no one found the cure for cancer. Big white dress, matching suits, an unremarkable meal and a duff party with terrible music. They’re all the same. I certainly wouldn’t blow the family holiday to go to one.

pictish · 12/01/2022 17:18

To add…just got in after a right toil of a day and have come home to dirty dishes and no milk. Am cross. The very idea of a destination wedding made me feel very sour there. Apologies.

SailingNotSurfing · 12/01/2022 17:18

I wouldn't expect people to gift me cash after expecting them to shell out on flights and hotels and spending money to attend my destination wedding.

It's a wee bit greedy of them but perhaps they are unaware of how much it is costing people to attend?

pictish · 12/01/2022 17:18

Even if I meant it.

FreedomFaith · 12/01/2022 17:20

God they are cheeky. My wedding is just far away in the UK from family, but because of hotel costs etc I've told them we aren't bothered about gifts/money. If they want to they can but it's not gone on the invitations that they must.

BeeDavis · 12/01/2022 17:26

I don’t think they’re being cheeky to want a destination wedding but to ask for a gift too… is! I say this as someone who paid 4k to go with my fiancé to a friend’s wedding abroad - they have split up 3 years later as the guy cheated on the girl. 🙄

WitheredfromtheLake · 12/01/2022 17:27

'two pigs cuddling in a sock'

Smile
BliainNua · 12/01/2022 17:31

Put a tenner in a card, say that's all you can afford!

latetothefisting · 12/01/2022 17:33

But unless the wedding is in North Korea or something, usually a destination wedding is somewhere people would actually like to go to. You're not spending £1k (which I agree isn't terrible for 4 people) actually ON the wedding are you? You're spending it on a holiday for your family. The wedding is just the reason for that specific destination. If it was somewhere I definitely didn't want to go, I would just say no.

I mean I wouldn't be spending another grand on a present but yes, for my own sibling for a presumably one off significant event I'd be buying a nice bottle of champagne, or putting £100 quid towards a treat for their honeymoon (or whatever gift they prefer).

Momicrone · 12/01/2022 17:36

Don't go then, stay and home and watch netflix, life's too short to visit interesting places and have fun

Hemingwayzcatz · 12/01/2022 17:39

Requesting money is always rude but in this situation it’s beyond rude. I’d tell them now that you can’t afford to give them money because it cost 1.5k just to attend.

Daisy95 · 12/01/2022 17:40

It's super cheeky, we had a destination wedding. (Due to losing grandparents just after we got engaged and us and our parents needed cheering up, everyone fully on board) however never ever expected presents/cash or any other people to come. That said we had a celebration party when we got back and specifically said no presents to that too, so I think couples are either people who want presents or don't.

I'd just say you attending the wedding is their present

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 12/01/2022 17:42

Putting the invoice in their wedding card should be acceptable

.

Blossom64265 · 12/01/2022 17:43

Since it is a sibling, I would attend if at all possible. However, I would not feel any obligation to also provide a gift, especially since a destination wedding is often an excuse to shift the cost of the wedding to the guests.

CharlotteGoldenblattYork · 12/01/2022 17:44

That's beyond cheeky! Who the hell has a destination wedding that costs a fucking fortune to go to AND expects fucking cash gifts on top?! Probably the same sorts of people that have Stag or Hen 'holidays' that cost thousands to attend, too! And don't even get me started on people who send evening only invites with a demand for cash. I refuse to attend evening-only wedding receptions let alone give them money for going and standing in a function room, buying my own drinks and not even being greeted by the bride and groom because they're already busy with their 'daytime, A List' guests.

IncompleteSenten · 12/01/2022 17:45

Message them saying attending the wedding will cost you over a thousand so would they like you to attend or would they prefer the cash because you can't afford both.

NeverChange · 12/01/2022 17:47

If he's your brother can you not just say it to him.

Tell him you are really looking forward to going but after pricing the flights and accommodation, your budget won't stretch to a present but that if he would prefer a present over you being there you'll understand.

I think anyone having a destination wedding and is expecting a present is deluded.

cantbelieveit2022 · 12/01/2022 17:48

I think any request for money as a gift is rude. I've heard of people actually saying to guests they want money as they want a new kitchen!! Happy to spend over £30k on a wedding but want guests to pay for their house renovations... cringe.

Gardeningdream · 12/01/2022 17:50

I think it’s polite to get someone a gift if attending their wedding, I do not feel my presence is their gift, nor how much it costs me will decide if they should get a gift. I can’t see the difference between money and a list of gifts really.

ShirleyPhallus · 12/01/2022 17:50

All these replies saying “tell him you can’t afford a gift”. Terrible advice. Why do you need to say anything?! Just give him a nice card and don’t mention the money, there is NO WAY he will say “I noticed you didn’t give us any money for our wedding”

As an aside, the hatred for overseas weddings is so boring. Honestly no one is forcing you to go, if you don’t want to go then don’t

CharlotteGoldenblattYork · 12/01/2022 17:50

@cantbelieveit2022

I think any request for money as a gift is rude. I've heard of people actually saying to guests they want money as they want a new kitchen!! Happy to spend over £30k on a wedding but want guests to pay for their house renovations... cringe.
I totally agree!

Also when they're having a really extravagant honeymoon on top of a very extravagant wedding and expect guests to foot the bill for the honeymoon

CharlotteGoldenblattYork · 12/01/2022 17:51

@ShirleyPhallus

All these replies saying “tell him you can’t afford a gift”. Terrible advice. Why do you need to say anything?! Just give him a nice card and don’t mention the money, there is NO WAY he will say “I noticed you didn’t give us any money for our wedding”

As an aside, the hatred for overseas weddings is so boring. Honestly no one is forcing you to go, if you don’t want to go then don’t

Well judging by lots of the threads on here about the subject, lots of friends/family members get in a right strop if someone can't/won't attend their overseas wedding. So I can totally see how people feel railroaded into going even though they don't want to or cannot afford to.
cantbelieveit2022 · 12/01/2022 17:54

I think go to the wedding, make it a holiday for your family. You'll enjoy it, it'll be beautiful.

In regards to the gift. Say nothing. Give what you can afford. If that's a picture frame, who cares. If it's £50 in a card, who cares. You don't need to justify your gift to them.

ShirleyPhallus · 12/01/2022 17:55

Well judging by lots of the threads on here about the subject, lots of friends/family members get in a right strop if someone can't/won't attend their overseas wedding.

That’s not my impression at all. Lots of posters say that people will get the hump from not going but there are barely any examples of anyone actually having the hump from someone not going and personally I’ve never experienced it IRL

latetothefisting · 12/01/2022 17:57

@IncompleteSenten

Message them saying attending the wedding will cost you over a thousand so would they like you to attend or would they prefer the cash because you can't afford both.
Would you really give them £1k as a wedding gift if they said they'd prefer the cash though?
Swipe left for the next trending thread