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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is cheeky AF

156 replies

ByeByeNye · 12/01/2022 15:48

Brother and soon-to-be SIL are having a destination wedding. Going to cost us about £1k-£1.5k for us to go (me, DH, and kids with flights, accommodation and spending money).

Really want to be at my brothers wedding as I love him dearly. I like my future SIL, so please don't get the impression that I don't by this post. However, I can't help thinking that they're completely underestimating how much it's going to cost their guests to attend their wedding, as they've put a request for money as a gift on their wedding invitations.

I genuinely think it's very cheeky and want to tell them it ain't happening 🤣

AIBU?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 12/01/2022 17:59

How did they phrase the request on their invite?

IncompleteSenten · 12/01/2022 18:00

Well tbh I was assuming they were decent people who'd simply got caught up in their wedding plan and hadn't stopped to think about the practicalities and that if the op asked they'd be horrified, come to their senses and tell guests they don't want money.

It's possible I'm just over optimistic.

glassofbubbles25 · 12/01/2022 18:00

But it’s just saying don’t buy presents

You don’t have to give anything?

Or was the poem:
You must come to our wedding
Your presence is our present
But also give us money
I’m aware that doesn’t rhyme

RaginaPhalange · 12/01/2022 18:02

Yanbu! My dh is not from where we live so most of his guests were from 300 miles away. We made no such requests as we knew it would cost a fair bit of money to come to our wedding for them. Yes they were kind enough to give money but we certainly didn't expect it.

pictish · 12/01/2022 18:03

My bil hasn’t spoken to us for four years because we declined to attend his destination wedding in South America. His wife sent me a ridiculous nasty message about it too…even though he’s dh’s brother not mine.
Pair of twats. They can fuck off.

AliceS1994 · 12/01/2022 18:10

Yes it's cheeky! I would go to the wedding and give a little sentimental present instead. If they have any grace then they'll put two and two together, but of they asked why you didn't give them cash I would straight up say the wedding was so expensive to attend you didn't have anything left over for a gift.

hopeishere · 12/01/2022 18:18

Just get them a present. Spend what you can afford. If they're ungrateful then you have the measure of them.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 12/01/2022 18:25

We got married in a different part of the UK which wasn't doable as an overnighter so most people had to stay at least 3 nights. Even though we said we didn't want gifts because we appreciated people coming, some people insisted they still wanted to give us something so we said money.
Genuinely would rather people had come and not given us a gift than struggled to do both

TurquoiseDragon · 12/01/2022 18:38

@latetothefisting

But unless the wedding is in North Korea or something, usually a destination wedding is somewhere people would actually like to go to. You're not spending £1k (which I agree isn't terrible for 4 people) actually ON the wedding are you? You're spending it on a holiday for your family. The wedding is just the reason for that specific destination. If it was somewhere I definitely didn't want to go, I would just say no.

I mean I wouldn't be spending another grand on a present but yes, for my own sibling for a presumably one off significant event I'd be buying a nice bottle of champagne, or putting £100 quid towards a treat for their honeymoon (or whatever gift they prefer).

You would be surprised at the number of people who don't want to go wherever the destination wedding is to be held.

I declined an invitation to a wedding in Jamaica, it's not somewhere I'd like to go, and my budget was already stretched, so I couldn't afford it.

Hankunamatata · 12/01/2022 18:41

Have they asked for money or if you are thinking of getting us a gift we would pref money?

WonderfulYou · 12/01/2022 18:47

YANBU - if people want a destination wedding they need to expect people to not come and no way ask for gifts from those that do.

I think it’s very selfish to have destination weddings anyway.
Have a private ceremony abroad and then have a reception at home where people don’t need to choose between going or paying bills.

LawnFever · 12/01/2022 19:17

Yanbu, we got married abroad and told everyone if they wanted to come on holiday to x destination they were welcome to come to the wedding.

We didn’t stress if anyone said no (tbh, we wanted to keep costs/numbers down!), we told everyone no gifts whatsoever and we paid for everything on our wedding day - transport/drinks/meals etc.

This is cheeky AF to ask for a cash gift as well as what the holiday will cost everyone.

Original poster
ByeByeNye · 12/01/2022 21:18

@girlmom21

How did they phrase the request on their invite?
Something to this effect........

They've been together a long time, already live together, and have everything that they need.

Don't feel the need to buy a gift, but if we want to get them anything money would be appreciated to put towards their honeymoon.

I just feel like money/gifts should not have been mentioned, as it makes people think they really should, as other guests might? Maybe I'm wrong But what other way do couples normally ask for money? Clearly they're hoping people will give them money? Otherwise they would have stated no gifts.

OP posts:
SummaLuvin · 12/01/2022 21:35

I just feel like money/gifts should not have been mentioned, as it makes people think they really should, as other guests might? Maybe I'm wrong But what other way do couples normally ask for money? Clearly they're hoping people will give them money? Otherwise they would have stated no gifts.

But people buy wedding gifts. I wouldn't show up to a wedding empty handed, the cultural norm in the UK is to buy wedding gifts - so I don't think it's rude to them to anticipate this, especially given they stated there was no need to buy one - I don't think they could have worded it better.

MN hate people asking for money for weddings and call it 'grabby' but I don't see things the way. Traditionally there would be a gift list - is it any more grabby to ask for money than a very specific toaster? In my book no. Historically wedding gifts were generally household things as the couple wouldn't have lived together before, but now the vast majority of couples already have a home together so don't need household items. By saying give money it means that people who do want to give know what to do - as an attendee I love it, makes it easy for me and I don't get it wrong.

For my wedding my husband and I did not mention anything about gifts, and said to anyone who asked that we didn't want/need anything. Most people still got us something and I'll be honest some of it is really annoying tat we don't need in our small flat, but feel obligated to keep and display - so maybe we should have pre-empted this by saying if you want to give please give money, not because we need the money but because we could do without the (well intended) crap.

whynotwhatknot · 12/01/2022 22:08

It gets better they want money for a honeymoon after a destination weddng

CharlotteGoldenblattYork · 12/01/2022 22:16

It's beyond fucking cheeky that they are expecting everyone to pay wads to attend their wedding and then pay for a honeymoon for them too!

Brigante9 · 12/01/2022 22:28

They’re taking the piss wanting money as a gift when you’re forking out for a destination.

givemepiece · 12/01/2022 22:40

A friend of mine had a destination wedding. I was a poorish single mum at the time so saved up quite a while. The invite asked for money (and gave account details) and I awkwardly spoke to her and said how any money I would send would feel embarrassing as I was so skint.... and she was marrying a pro footballer !

She replied "oh whatever you can afford, honey xx"

Grin I went to the wedding, had a blast, snogged the best man.... didn't send any money tho! Haha

Elsielouise13 · 12/01/2022 22:45

I had a destination wedding. But didn’t invite anyone or ask for any gifts. Perfect. We did always intend to have a party at home but somehow failed to do even that. Maybe for our 15th wedding anniversary coming up this year…

Pinklemonade1 · 13/01/2022 17:39

We got married in Greece and I specifically stated in the invitation that their 'presence' was the best gift we could have had and didn't want anything buying for us!

PearlD · 13/01/2022 17:45

They're not underestimating the cost. They know. If you can afford it, suck it up and do it, as not giving the gift is just going to cause aggro, and that's the deal they're offering you, cheeky or not.

OR tell them you'd really love to be there with them but having added up all the costs including the cash gift, it's not going to be possible to attend the wedding. They can then say, don't worry about the gift, or stick to their guns. Either way you'll see what their priorities are.

Cacklingwitch · 13/01/2022 17:52

We had a destination wedding. There was no expectation on anyone to attend (we were delighted with the number that came, it was way more than we anticipated and had to get a bigger reception venue) and there was never an expectation of gifts. At the time no one had kids so travel was a lot easier in this regard.
Even when we had a party at home for our friends and family who couldn’t come, I wouldn’t dream of requesting cash gifts. We had no expectation of gifts at all.
It’s very grabby to ask for people to give you cash to pay for the wedding you chose to have.

Mandyjack · 13/01/2022 17:55

@AlphabetStew

What would your brother say if you offered to give the couple a £1k gift instead of attending?
He'd probably say sorry you can't come!
meganorks · 13/01/2022 18:06

They are just saying they would prefer money than gifts. I think that is OK. It's only not on Mumsnet! They have said they don't expect gifts so take them at their word.

We didn't want gifts for our wedding. I deliberately didn't mention gifts in the invite. All that happened was that people bothered us/our relatives asking about gifts. Regardless of what you think, some people will want to buy gifts.

We did have a generic website thing (sounds wanky but was mostly for RSVPing for people who can't be arsed with letters and had extra details around directions and places to stay etc) I did put on there that a similarly worded we don't want gifts, but if you really want to give something money would be best. I then specifically stated (because on Mumsnet!!) that I know some people are uncomfortable giving money and that is fine, but please don't think you have to get a gift. Still got some gifts!!

2Gen · 13/01/2022 18:11

Well, I certainly couldn't afford that and I'd say I'm not the only one. I do think they're asking too much in today's uncertain economic climate anyway, as even those who still have jobs and a reasonable income need to be saving rather than splashing out now.
YANBU. Why don't you tell them you either can't afford it or can't justify spending that amount on a few days away, and just send them some money, your congratulations and best wises instead? You could always offer to have a bit of a do for them when they come home instead. A much cheaper one!!!