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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is cheeky AF

156 replies

ByeByeNye · 12/01/2022 15:48

Brother and soon-to-be SIL are having a destination wedding. Going to cost us about £1k-£1.5k for us to go (me, DH, and kids with flights, accommodation and spending money).

Really want to be at my brothers wedding as I love him dearly. I like my future SIL, so please don't get the impression that I don't by this post. However, I can't help thinking that they're completely underestimating how much it's going to cost their guests to attend their wedding, as they've put a request for money as a gift on their wedding invitations.

I genuinely think it's very cheeky and want to tell them it ain't happening 🤣

AIBU?

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 12/01/2022 16:43

completely out of order asking for cash when people wil be spending hundreds to get there

blacklilypad · 12/01/2022 16:43

I've only been to one destination wedding and the couple specifically stated that everyone being there was their gift. Obviously some people chose to still give gifts but mostly the gifts were that everyone spent several thousand going.

Bluebluemoon39 · 12/01/2022 16:44

Oops, sorry - I've just seen that it's the request for money as a gift that's annoyed you.
Yes, they ARE total CF's to expect that!

prettyteapotsplease · 12/01/2022 16:45

It seems like a cynical ploy to me and IMHE mercenary types pull this trick. I went to the wedding of a couple who think themselves to be 'entrepreneurial' who also asked for cash - it felt like we were paying to attend their wedding. They only ever speak to us when they want something - needless to say we are LC.

user1481840227 · 12/01/2022 16:45

Definitely NBU.

Tell him!

Absolutelyguttedxmas · 12/01/2022 16:48

It's very cheeky!
We had our wedding in Thailand and no one brought a gift! Being there was gift enough.

Livpool · 12/01/2022 16:50

@Momicrone

If you can afford, i think destination weddings are a great excuse for a little holiday in what I would presume is a lovely part of the world. I would be delighted to be invited
Yes but they may not be where you want to go. I went to one in Spain and it was the middle of nowhere. And my cousin is getting married abroad next year in another place I have no interest in going.
Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 12/01/2022 16:50

Our presence is your present!
Destination wedding = no gift. If you're close enough you might want to let them know that they shouldn't expect gifts.

Floundery · 12/01/2022 16:51

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Greensmoothie1 · 12/01/2022 16:52

Give them this choice: either your family attending or a gift (item, money etc). Not both. If they say the gift then do not attend. They are cf.

mam0918 · 12/01/2022 16:53

Destination weddings are cheeky as fuck in general as is ASKING for a gift (were people raised with zero manners).

Destination elopements are great (I can see the romance of flitting off somewhere exotic) but you cannot expect anyone to shell out thousands to attend YOUR wedding and gifts are just that, they aren't an entry requirement they are a gesture people CHOOSE to give you if they want to not something you get to demand.

Frankly, I wouldn't spend £1.5k on someone else's wedding no matter who they are, my own only cost £1k ffs.

WarrickDavisAsPlates · 12/01/2022 16:55

@drpet49

I thought you didn’t give a wedding present if it was a destination wedding
I had also thought this, surely at a destination wedding the guests showing up is the gift?

I'd bring it up with your brother and suggest (in a nice and gentle way) that you cant really ask for gifts when people are spending a lot of money and using their annual leave to attend the event, it's already costing the guests a lot.

PigeonLittle · 12/01/2022 16:56

It's probably automatic for all guests. it's as cheeky as fuck but I don't think they are saying "bring cash or don't come."

IF I received that I wouldn't say anything and would still get them what I had planned, which would likely be a card and a heartfelt token gift.

KiloWhat · 12/01/2022 16:56

Just don't get them a gift. No biggie

Ohmybod · 12/01/2022 16:57

YANBU. We didn’t have a destination wedding but many friends and family had to take flights and book hotels to be there and we specifically said no gifts because of this. It’s grabby of them. It sounds naff but the gift is you all being there for them.

PurplePeculiar · 12/01/2022 16:59

I think that's ridiculous!

Dh and I got married in Malta and paid for everyone's flights and we all stayed in a big villa we also paid for. No way would I have expected people to fork out themselves!!

legalseagull · 12/01/2022 17:00

I think you should tell him. If it were my DS I'd tell her she was at risk of upsetting her friends and family by asking! CFuckerry

LampLighter414 · 12/01/2022 17:01

The cheeky monkeys!

What kind of sum of money are they expecting from each guest?

Drinkingallthewine · 12/01/2022 17:01

It's just manners to tell your guests who are spending a lot of money travelling abroad to your wedding that no gifts -cash or otherwise -are expected as you understand that it's an expense you are putting on your guests.

Someone needs to have a quiet firm word with the couple before the shit hits the fan tbh.

Beamur · 12/01/2022 17:01

The only time I have been to a destination wedding it was so expensive that the bride and groom subsidised the cost! It was somewhere they wanted to go and wanted a big group of friends to enjoy it with them. Still cost us a small fortune. No gifts were expected!

Returnoftheowl · 12/01/2022 17:01

@Momicrone

If you can afford, i think destination weddings are a great excuse for a little holiday in what I would presume is a lovely part of the world. I would be delighted to be invited
This only works if it's somewhere you would actually want to go by choice tho. Op, her husband & kids might not be able to afford it. They might not want to go to the destination the bride & groom picked. They might have to forego a family holiday to somewhere they actually want to go to attend this destination wedding.

Destination wedding are nice, if you've got the funds and annual leave from work to cover it (along which what you would actually choose to do). If you're having your main/only holiday for the year dictated to you it can be less nice.

anon12345anon · 12/01/2022 17:01

YANBU . They are as cheeky as fuck Hmm

Darbs76 · 12/01/2022 17:01

They absolutely should say no gifts due to cost of attending. I went to my brothers wedding abroad recently and when I asked what gift he wanted I was hoping (but knew he wouldn’t) he would say no it’s costing you enough for you and the kids to attend so please no gifts. He didn’t and so cost me another £100. I would certainly say no gifts

SummaLuvin · 12/01/2022 17:02

I don't know why MN insist that a bride and groom should be under the impression their guests won't want to get them gifts. It's the etiquette in the UK that if you go to a wedding or party you get the couple a gift, pretending otherwise is just daft. I don't see an issue in a couple preempting gifts (that they will get) by saying their preferences either with a gift list, linked charity, or request for cash.

IntermittentParps · 12/01/2022 17:12

@Momicrone

If you can afford, i think destination weddings are a great excuse for a little holiday in what I would presume is a lovely part of the world. I would be delighted to be invited
Me too. I've been to some amazing places for weddings (Maine, Norway, Japan…) Never been asked for money or made to feel bad for not giving a present though.