To be freaked out by affording (older) children?

[HelpMeHiveMind]

The AIBU here is a bit misplaced- obviously IBU to not have realised children cost lots. We've purposely only had 2 (although we'd love 3) as didn't feel we could provide everything we wanted for more. I also know millions of people manage - probably with lots less than us...we are quite comfortable although live in SE where it doesn't go anywhere near as far as it would elsewhere.

My question is more how do people actually do it when they become teens / young adults and start needing:

• mobile phone contracts
• cars
• University fees
• uni accommodation
• maybe even house deposits

The really big things, basically, that they're unlikely to be able to manage alone.

We've been saving into accounts for them since babies but initially only at £25 pm (all we could afford back then), now £100 pm. It still isn't going to touch the surface of what they'll need. And there are two of them with a gap, so things like remortgaging are problematic as can't cover one and not the other. We are also mortgaged to the hilt already.

So how do folks do it?

We have 2 in the final year of sixth form

Mobiles we buy no contract and have a family package of 4 sims with our virgin package that cost £27 all in a month

Driving lessons are the big ouch but a means to an end both are currently learning and cost £200 each a month but I saved a lump sum over the years for each child to pay for the first 15 lessons

Both plan to go to university, they’ve applied to local uni’s in our city and the next city over so plan to drive and stay at home thus reducing costs as it’s £160 a week in local student accommodation. The deal is we provide the car and fuel and continue to put a roof over their head

As for a house deposit, hopefully they will save once working while still at home, and board we charge we plan to put away for their deposit. They’ve also started house ISA’s and one is dabbling in bitcoin with money they earn from writing commissions

I think though it's harder for kids these days to get traditional Saturday jobs. My first job was saturday/Sunday and late night Thursday in a department store (ie the shifts that the Monday - Friday staff didn't want) Now if you work in retail all those will be expected as part of your contract.

There's been a shift in this recently due to the recruitment crisis, but I don't know how permanent that is and before that I would agree with you. I would see people go on about how of course teens would work, but around me there just weren't those job opportunities - the things that teens used to do as part-time jobs (retail, working in hospitality) were done by adults who were required to have a level of availability that no one who is in school/college 5 days a week could possibly offer.

Since covid, many unis have virtual open days on their websites. Subject talks have often been recorded and available to view
Accommodation tours are on YouTube.
Some of them are still running live web-based events too. It's worth having a good look round the websites - they may help narrow down the number of real life open day events you want to attend.

Yes parents do have to contribute to uni costs. My dd’s accommodation first year is £8k alone. I pay her £65 a week on top which I can do as I saved for this.
Appreciate you can choose cheaper accommodation than this but don’t assume you won’t need to contribute at all!

Mine only ever had £10 cheap sims on my old handsets until they could get their own phones.

They had loans for uni.

I couldn’t afford to provide a car.

They all worked part time from 16 and through uni (DD still is and technically has 2 jobs - one part time through term and one full time in the holidays).

You simply do what you can afford. We are in the north simple.
We cover mobile phone costs as part of a family bundle think about £12 a month for loads of data.

• cars - they asked for money for christmas and birthday and we add them to insurance of our second car. The car stays at home as wouldn’t afford running costs and parking costs at uni.
• University fees - tuition fee loan free to all obviously.
• uni accommodation - ours will only qualify for minimum loan so we will have to top this up to max loan to support with Uni costs. They will also need a part time job.
• maybe even house deposits - no they will have to save for this as we did.

@HelpMeHiveMind

The AIBU here is a bit misplaced- obviously IBU to not have realised children cost lots. We've purposely only had 2 (although we'd love 3) as didn't feel we could provide everything we wanted for more. I also know millions of people manage - probably with lots less than us...we are quite comfortable although live in SE where it doesn't go anywhere near as far as it would elsewhere.

My question is more how do people actually do it when they become teens / young adults and start needing:

• mobile phone contracts
• cars
• University fees
• uni accommodation
• maybe even house deposits

The really big things, basically, that they're unlikely to be able to manage alone.

We've been saving into accounts for them since babies but initially only at £25 pm (all we could afford back then), now £100 pm. It still isn't going to touch the surface of what they'll need. And there are two of them with a gap, so things like remortgaging are problematic as can't cover one and not the other. We are also mortgaged to the hilt already.

So how do folks do it?

How did my parents do it? I was taught from a young age about saving money and budgeting. I saved most of my birthday and Christmas money and also a lot of any pocket money - and though I can't recall how much pocket money I got I do remember I got less than most of my friends. I was also encouraged to work and got a job as soon as I could at 16 in the summer holidays and then alongside my school work for A levels. I saved a lot of that.

So how did my parents afford the things you said?

mobile phone contracts

• I had a pay as you go phone. The phone was bought for Christmas. I then had to ensure it was topped up. It always was.

Cars

• I saved my own money and bought myself a car for £350 (this was in early 2000s but to be fair you can get equivalent cars cheap now as it was old and a runaround type thing). I paid for my own car insurance, petrol, tax, lessons etc with some contributions for birthday.

University fees

• I took student loans. Though parents weren't on a lot I didnt qualify for grants. I worked during university first year and some of second as well as every year throughout summer when others were going on trips around the world (a lot of private school kids with money at my uni). My parents helped by paying £200 pcm to me so I could get shopping and pay bills to be topped up by me

Uni accommodation

• my parents bought a house using savings they had and we paid the mortgage. This is massively privileged but didn't cost my parents anything in the end as we covered the mortgage. We couldn't get one of our own though and it was cheaper to do this than pay extortionate landlord rent. They then sold it after I finished uni and it was an investment for them.

maybe even house deposits

• I saved for my own house deposit with my partner. My parents gave us £1k towards solicitor fees but the rest we did ourselves. I was on a minimum wage job when we bought and my partner was on £30k so we got a mortgage on that basis. We bought in 2011 so obviously house prices cheaper than now but we bought in the SE which is more expensive than where we moved from (for work).

My parents didn't save the amount for me you have managed to which is excellent. They gave me £200pcm during uni instead (as I say above) and £1k solicitor fees for house (also as above).

Out of your list, the only thing I'd pay for is the phone! The others have to be self funded. I'd pay for driving lessons, but not an actual car. I didn't buy a car until I had a full time job! Public transport does exist!

Phones for birthdays (every other year max) else they buy their own.
PAYG on something like Giffgaff - and encourage them to learn to ask for the wifi code at friend's houses.
I've got lots in my phone from all the places that I go to over the years. Public transport has free wifi usually too.

Don't spend what you can't afford. That'd be foolish. Children need to learn the value of money and the importance of where money comes from.

Ds 21 bought his first car from his Saturday job money, he saved for ages. We do pay the insurance. We also pay for his phone and give him a small amount of money each week while he is at uni. He works as well. We do not pay for anything else.

4 DCs. 3 big (20s) 1 little (primary)

I found the most expensive part is when they are old enough to need a phone, eating adult sized meals, coming on holiday with us, doing/seeing cultural things, needing clubs paid for, outings with their peers paid for, choosing their own clothes and toiletries ect, but not old enough to earn any income for the house. So 13/14/15/16 ...

After that they can work part time and save and pay for their own driving lessons OR the car. Pay for their phone ect. Pay for their own clothes. We're there for back up in emergencies.

Uni ? - loan
Mortgage deposit ? - ha ha ha

2 of my big ones have saved for their own deposit by living at home till their mid 20s. (boyfriend living with them) The bigger problem is earning enough monthly for the bank to actually lend them a mortgage! No.3 (the highest earner) doesn't seem to ever actually want to leave leave home. Which is fine by us. She pays rent and she's lovely company :)

Well Uni costs are funded by student loans which are means tested.

Phone contracts are quite cheap if you lump them in together as a family.

Car - kids can fund themselves. If they are old enough to drive they are old enough for a part time job.

You are saving a decent amount per month, make sure it's invested in a stocks and shares ISA not a cash ISA and that will give them enough to reinvest in a Lifetime ISA when they are 18 which will take care of the house deposit.

I didn't get any of that and in fact, I paid board as soon as I had an income (before I left home at 21).

I get that things have changed and I'd hate to think that other young people got reminded on a daily basis of how much they cost and told they should feel grateful, but where did it become written that parents need to stump up for cars let alone house deposits?

Really?

My kids are 19, 16, and 14.

We will pay for basic smart phones and basic contracts.
They got their phones as Christmas/birthday presents.

Ds (now 19) has always earnt money. He dog walked a friends dog and ran a small business selling poundland cookies to other kids at school) Then at 16 he got a proper part time job. He worked every sat and Sun (not my favourite due to school work) and then loads of days in the holidays.
He bought an amazing phone, and then started saving for a car, bought his own car and paid for his own insurance. he is now at Uni and works at Dominoes 3 nights per week, which pretty much funds uni.

dd1 got a job at 16, and has saved and saved an then spent all the money. She worked hard, again sat and sun and holiday days. She doesn't wnat a car.

University - you are supposed to top up their money to the same as a full maintenance loan, and even that may not be enough. But again, they can work too.

I look at my nieces and nephews, whose parents have paid for eveything, and my ds, who has gone out and earnt it all, and I suspect that ds will do better in the long run in managing money etc

I was put out of home at 17. I won’t do that to my kids and I haven’t but at the same time I’m not a bank to fund their lives.

There’s a happy medium.

They'll have to do it all on their own? And wait for their inheritance when a bit older. 🤷‍♀️ These things are not obligatory.

- University fees
have been saving from very young to allow for minimal student loan

Everyone gets the same loan for tuition fees (assuming it's their first degree). That's why universities aren't allowed to charge more than £9,250 pa.

It's only maintenance loans that are affected by parents' income.

Not sure why the OP thinks she has to pay university fees.

I had none of those things from my parents and I've managed fine. Most people can't afford those things for their kids.

My parents were fairly well off compared to friends parents. They gave me a house deposit and some extra for uni but I was expected to work and save up for things. Never had lavish gifts, my own car, loads of new clothes etc. I had to wait and save (house deposit was a shock, they didn’t tell me so I’d work). I’m so glad they made me work!

I have a 15yo dd.

Her phone is £10 a month, I bought her a reconditioned iPhone for Christmas a couple of years ago which is fine.

I give her £25 a month pocket money.

As soon as she's 16 she'll look for a part time job.

The biggest cost is food as teens eat a lot!!

She has a trust fund to help with uni or any after school plans she has. I'm not sure she'll go to uni, I think she'll want to work and travel after college.

@Laiste these were my thoughts too, paying for teenager meals and things like school trips etc...

Currently feeding a 2 and 4 year old so doesn't break the bank?

@MoiraNotRuby

I'm torn between encouraging them to get part time jobs, to afford the luxury things they want now, and encouraging them to focus on studies and get into a well paid career.

I had a Saturday job and have always paid my own way in life, but enjoyed having wages too much, went straight into full time work after a levels, didn't do uni and don't earn very much now.

Also-

HotUKDeals
MoneySavingExpert

I worked from 16 but still went to a good uni and am in high paying job in top 5%. I think a lot of friends liked earning wages and ended up getting full time jobs but if your child has ambition and drive for a career that is well paid then the lure of money from a minimum wage job now, which feels like a lot when you aren't paying all the bills, won't dissuade them.

If you think it would dissuade them, and you want to persuade them otherwise, charge rent and bills contribution for them to pay out of their wages (which you save for them) to demonstrate how little they would be left with on that money paying g bills or sit down and do a budget with them for that income theyre on and show them what they would be able to afford with it. Then take average salary for a profession or your choice and do the same. Sometimes seeing on paper the difference is enough to inspire them to work for the better income.

@Seeline

Since covid, many unis have virtual open days on their websites. Subject talks have often been recorded and available to view Accommodation tours are on YouTube. Some of them are still running live web-based events too. It's worth having a good look round the websites - they may help narrow down the number of real life open day events you want to attend.

We've already been looking so hopefully will be able to narrow down a bit further.

DD already has a favourite but it's very competitive so needs backup options.

I don't mind the London ones so much but the other two are a 300 mile round trip and overnight stay each.

I will ask XH to contribute (he's already told DD there's no point in him going as it's her decision ) but fully prepared for the regulation 'I can't afford it...' despite the fact he's still sitting on 6 figures from his half of the marital home sale .

Once I left home at 18, every penny I have had I have earned. Even when I had trouble getting a deposit to rent somewhere I had to borrow it from the bank.
Of course if you have the money it is nice to help your adult children. It will make life easier for them. But it is not compulsory and many people never have any help.

I think times are obviously very different now, my mum was a SAHM and my dad had quite a good job but not £££ but your money went further in those days and university was free (ish). I managed to pay for driving lessons, buy a car and insure it from my Saturday job at BHS.

Both myself and DH work in reasonably well paid jobs but it covers mortgages/bills and not much left over.

Up to the age of 17 I didn't find my two DC too expensive, they both had a hobby when they were younger, with DD one costing a fair bit more (because she actually turned out to be quite good at it!). We have, however, reached peak expense now. Giving them the independence that they want and need and is important comes at quite a high cost £.

I have two DC 20 and 18 and we have been hit with the additional COVID whammy in that everything was on hold, so now it's driving lessons for two and not one, part time jobs are still difficult to find and barely cover the cost of one lesson each and DD announced end of last year that she has changed her mind and would now like to go to uni in September. It's going to be a tight year (even without factoring in rising costs of living, fuel food etc).

I am hoping for people with younger children things will be easier in 10 years time but who knows.