To be freaked out by affording (older) children?

[HelpMeHiveMind]

The AIBU here is a bit misplaced- obviously IBU to not have realised children cost lots. We've purposely only had 2 (although we'd love 3) as didn't feel we could provide everything we wanted for more. I also know millions of people manage - probably with lots less than us...we are quite comfortable although live in SE where it doesn't go anywhere near as far as it would elsewhere.

My question is more how do people actually do it when they become teens / young adults and start needing:

• mobile phone contracts
• cars
• University fees
• uni accommodation
• maybe even house deposits

The really big things, basically, that they're unlikely to be able to manage alone.

We've been saving into accounts for them since babies but initially only at £25 pm (all we could afford back then), now £100 pm. It still isn't going to touch the surface of what they'll need. And there are two of them with a gap, so things like remortgaging are problematic as can't cover one and not the other. We are also mortgaged to the hilt already.

So how do folks do it?

My kids didn't go to uni, they got apprenticeships.
Ds1 has just bought a house and Ds2 has put an offer in on one. We did not assist with any deposits.
We did buy them both driving lessons, a car and paid for the first years insurance though ( £2k each time for insurance) thankfully theres a few years between them so it wasnt all at once.

Did your parents pay for those things you mention?

You help them with what you can, but it's really not typical for parents to just give their DC all of those things, despite what some Mumsnetters would have you believe.

Definitely don't remortgage, put yourself in debt and delay retirement to pay for older teenagers/young adults like that. How ridiculous.

If they want more than the basic, and those things are not basic needs, they're mostly extras, they can get part time jobs to pay for them.

The only caveat is that, unless you're on a low income, you will be expected to top up their university living costs, so it's a good idea to save for those. But they should also contribute by working, managing their money and lifestyle expectations accordingly and perhaps choice of university, as accommodation costs vary enormously.

They can't expect to take the most expensive option of everything that's available if it's not affordable and they're not contributing towards the cost themselves.

Plus, don't assume that full time university is a given, even if they're academic. There's a growing 'higher level' apprentice style option that combines a degree and employment, so their employer pays them a full time salary and tuition costs. By the time they're 21, they'll have a degree, a job, relevant work experience and no student debt.

Cars.No ,if they wanted a car they saved and bought their own. Both had motorbikes which they bought.
University. Student loans are for this. Even when they are earning a good salary the repayment is tiny.
You will be told what your contribution to their living costs is. If they want more money they will have to get a job.
Deposits for houses. My parents didn't do this. I didn't expect it for one minute. My children have both bought houses without any help from us.
Weddings. They paid for their own and had exactly what they wanted.
Why do you think you have to pay for all these things ?

I have two teenagers at the older end.
Mobile phones: we've always bought them cheap phones with cheap contracts. Both of them have had a more expensive phone as they've got older either as a birthday present or that they have paid for themselves. We still pay their contracts but they're £5-8 a month.
Cars: they don't have a car but they have access to our car if we are not using it (we have two as we need them for work but not 24/7) and we have insured them on the smaller one. Dc2 has saved enough money for a car (has always had Saturday and holiday jobs) but has chosen not to get one at this stage.
Uni fees: they get the government loan.
Uni living costs: we are high earners (relatively) so we pay the equivalent of what they would get in a loan. Monthly we can afford that. I do know people who don't and who expect their children to work to earn those living costs as well.

If they wants driving lessons, cars etc they get a job. Those are luxuries not necessities.

Uni, loans I guess. Although is it means tested on parents? We're decent earners, but not enough to cover these costs for 3 kids.

Mobile phones. We buy cheap handsets from Argos and have a family plan with O2 so their Bill's are less than £10 a month. The more people on the plan the cheaper so I think my sons works out at around £6 per month.

My parents never paid for my mobiles, driving lessons, cars, college costs or anything like that.

You don’t actually have to pay for it.

Gosh, my parents didn't pay for any of that stuff. I needed to get a part time job if I wanted that. So I did, bought a phone, driving lessons, car and paid for uni etc, as well as paying them rent from being 15! When I look back, I do wish they'd helped me more. But now as an adult, I'm good with saving etc so that's worked well.
It can be worrying with all those costs, perhaps they will get a part time job to help pay for some things. And with uni there are often grants and bursaries etc to help out.

My dc get a payg smartphone for about £60 when they start secondary. At uni parents are meant to top up the amount their dc gets from loans if they are on a higher income. Not sure what the difference is. Cars, driving lessons and house deposits they save up themselves.

You don’t need to buy your kids a car! I have a 7 year old Fiesta that DS learned in and borrows when he’s home from uni. But it’s my car. He doesn’t want one at uni anyway, there’s nowhere to park and he walks everywhere.

Plus the norm is too get loans for uni. All the tuition fees are covered by a loan plus the maintenance loan is between something like £4K and £9K depending on your income. So you have to find up to about £5K a year, or you could tell them they have to get a job to cover it.

Same with buying a house, that one is normally on them.

So it’s just the phone basically, and there are choices there.

DS is using savings to live on at university and we pay for his accommodation and any big ticket items like a new laptop (but that's done now so he shouldn't need another one while he is a student). If he wants more money, he gets a job.

He hasn't needed a car, but if he did, he could use mine, so that's "just" a top-up on the insurance. Lessons were quite expensive but we could afford it.

Mobile phone - Giffgaff and Plusnet have really cheap deals (I pay £10 a month for his Giffgaff, you can get cheaper options than that) and again if they want an expensive phone they buy it themselves or get it as a Christmas/birthday present. Not that I would have paid out £1000 for the latest iphone for him to promptly lose it or have it stolen anyway.

I suppose the other thing is school trips - it's good if they can go overseas on a couple of trips. DS went to Spain, Germany, Iceland and Italy during his school and sixth form career.

If you can't afford something for them (or don't want to pay for it) then they get a job and save up for it themselves.

A lot can change over the years. There is no point stressing about it now. Also I am absolutely going to encourage my kids to get part time jobs as soon as old enough.

Parental contribution is part of university funding. Tuition fees are covered for all, but the living expenses side of it is on a sliding scale based on household income, with parents topping up, (and 'twas ever thus - even in days of grants it worked like that)

So it will be worth looking at the rough figures for how much your DC are likely to qualify for and what you'll need to find for the basic top up, plus think about likely need for more and if you will fund it. If you can't or won't, then make sure your DC know that before they make their applications, as there's little point in going for places where accommodation is expensive

We've said we'll cover phone contacts until graduation - they're happy with not particularly lavish ones - but you could transfer that bill to them once they're 18 and can enter contracts themselves. But I'd recommend some form of support if they struggle (so they don't get into debt over it, but perhaps learn something about prioritising spending) because being without a phone will cut them off from so much else

My parents didn’t pay for any of that for me. My DHs parents didn’t pay any of that for him. I moved out of home into my own house at 18 and never went back.

I still managed to get a degree, buy a house, buy a car.

I have no plans on funding houses or cars for DC, I may contribute to university if I’m able, but if not they will have to cut their cloth.

There are so many posts about teenagers being expensive, but I don't really get how they can be more expensive than under 5s.

You either have to pay nursery fees or sacrifice an entire wage.

2 dc is about £100plus per day nursery fees.

Or the loss or one wage which even minimum wage is £70 per day ish.

I think age 11 for phones (Preparing/ going to high school) DS has an older iphone unlimited data, minutes and texts £20 quid a month sim only.

As for the rest I'd put them through driving lessons at 17 as I left it until I was older and it was a PITA. I wouldn't buy them a car though. That's a funded through working thing.

Uni will be loans. Housing deposits will be funded be me downsizing. Expensive house not mortgaged to the hilt.

There’s no other choice really but to save money from an early age. For example one of the things I did was set up 3 savings accounts in 3 consecutive years with police mutual each to run for 15 years and each £30 per month each ( I am sure there are other providers and maybe better ones). I got a payout if £8k last year as the first one matured. I’ll get same this March and hopefully same in 2023. I didn’t really notice the payments over the years as I got use to them and they are really helping with uni costs now.
So I would recommend setting up something like this. I have two more on go now but they’ll be for me in 16 years time

I have twins, nearly 16,, so no gap in payment for university, driving lessons etc. In reality, we could only afford one child, but my body had different ideas!

Their phones are £10 a month. They also get pocket money and a club paid for, Playstation membership.

Driving lessons/car - they have been saving birthday money, Christmas money and pocket money for a while now. There will be enough for a cheap shared second hand car by the time they are 17/18. If not, they will use our cars and continue to get the bus!

We are on average UK salaries and over their 15 years we have saved into child trust funds, less so when I was made redundant. This has also averaged £100 a month each and this mounted up. I appreciate this is a luxury.

I am hoping they will both study at universities near home and live at home throughout to save costs, while having part-time jobs. Degree apprenticeships are also something we are looking into.

They can also take out the student loan.

When they reach the point of house deposots they will be adults, hopefully working, so I am not worrying about deposits too much. My nephew is 25 and earning more than me and my husband. However, We were lucky when we both bought properties in the noughties as we could get on the housing market. We never had help, our parents couldn't afford it, but it was doable then.

Mine are encouraged to keep their hobbies going now as they can result in quite enjoyable Saturday/holiday jobs when they are older. I will find what I can but feel it is also very good for them to work and help fund things as they hit mid teens onwards, even if it is doing chores for me so I don't have to pay a gardener /cleaner/dog walker !

I don't think it would benefit them to have everything smoothed over and paid for.

Called regular savings scheme but it is stocks based so goes up and down

Dc play their part.
I'm on disability benefits following an accident so had planned to help more than I do however never intended to give them everything (it doesn't set them up well for life).
They all have a contract with smarty works out about £5 a month each, got mobile phone for birthday.
House they'll have to save money themselves although I will assist by allowing them to live at home as long as they need at as reduced rent as I can manage if they are saving.
Uni they'll need to work part-time (I did and it did me no harm).
Car Dc1 is at this age now pays for all own driving lessons I've paid for licence, tests as birthday present. Has saved enough from part time work to buy a car when passes test.

Wants are not needs. That is absolutely crucial and it looks like you may need to repeat it over and over regularly.Do not remortgage your house to pay for cars,uni house deposits. That is madness. This example is not your situation but worth mentioning. I worked with someone who opted out of his private pension contributions in order to put his children through private school. The children now have jobs they could have got had they been to a state school. He is now living in a charity owned flat and has only a state pension. He barely sees his children. My children went to uni with young people who nagged their parents for money constantly. They seemed very entitled. Working, saving, valuing what you have because you have paid for it are life skills to be instilled as soon as possible.

Mobile contracts aren’t too badly priced at all. There’s no reason why they can’t have jobs to help when at Uni. Parents are expected to contribute though depending on income so the loan they are entitled to depends on income. Thankfully my ex has been working overseas for a few years which has meant he can pay for Uni fee’s, as we have one going this year and another most likely in 4yrs time

It probably sounds quite harsh but the truth is they will manage whether you are in a position to help or not.
My eldest left school at 16, four years ago, he had no interest in continuing education, he has since worked his backside off and now holding down a good position in finance, he paid for his first motorbike as l didn' t have a car, so he could get to and fro work, and then paid for all his driving lessons and saved up and bought a second hand car and he pays everything on it, including insurance for me so l can use it as well. He pays me board, buys all his own clothes and pays for his own holidays, he is now saving up for a deposit on a house. l am a lone widowed parent, he has no expectation that l should be helping him out.
It can be done, l had to do exactly the same when l was his age, it never bothered me , l just did it.
My youngest is now 16 and works part time whilst studying, he is saving up for driving lessons, he is self taught studied for his GCSEs at home and also learning Python, computor coding which he has a deep interest in. They don' t all necessarily go down the uni route.

My question is more how do people actually do it when they become teens / young adults and start needing:
- mobile phone contracts
Nobody needs a mobile phone contract, me and my teens have PAYG phones £10-£12 a month. DH has a contract paid for through work.
- cars
DC used the money we saved for them from babies for car and insurance.
- University fees
- uni accommodation
Loans, although we're not in England and students get a little more here. We give DD £200 a month and she works all Summer as well as doing odd shifts term time.
- maybe even house deposits
This is the kind of thing where it's nice if you can do it but it shouldn't be expected. Encourage your children to save and budget, let them live with you while they're saving for a deposit etc.

I'm torn between encouraging them to get part time jobs, to afford the luxury things they want now, and encouraging them to focus on studies and get into a well paid career.

I had a Saturday job and have always paid my own way in life, but enjoyed having wages too much, went straight into full time work after a levels, didn't do uni and don't earn very much now.

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