To be freaked out by affording (older) children?

[HelpMeHiveMind]

The AIBU here is a bit misplaced- obviously IBU to not have realised children cost lots. We've purposely only had 2 (although we'd love 3) as didn't feel we could provide everything we wanted for more. I also know millions of people manage - probably with lots less than us...we are quite comfortable although live in SE where it doesn't go anywhere near as far as it would elsewhere.

My question is more how do people actually do it when they become teens / young adults and start needing:

• mobile phone contracts
• cars
• University fees
• uni accommodation
• maybe even house deposits

The really big things, basically, that they're unlikely to be able to manage alone.

We've been saving into accounts for them since babies but initially only at £25 pm (all we could afford back then), now £100 pm. It still isn't going to touch the surface of what they'll need. And there are two of them with a gap, so things like remortgaging are problematic as can't cover one and not the other. We are also mortgaged to the hilt already.

So how do folks do it?

Why do you need to? Is there a reason they would be unable to get part time jobs whilst at college or uni? Phones wise if you are paying for the contract then they get a sim only deal or whatever you can afford. For uni they get a loan like everybody else and pay it back when they are earning above the threshold, it gets written off after so many years anyway. If they only get a partial loan because of your income then they will either need a part time job to subsidise or you cut back to support. Another option is that if they can't afford to live out, they don't. So they stay at home and go to a local uni or a uni that they can commute to.

I have 2 teens, they cost me less than they did when they are little as they seem to grow less (15 and 17), luckily their feet haven’t grown for a couple years now 🤣. They don’t ask for expensive things, they do have phones but not the latest iPhone and they are on cheap contracts. Dd1 is taking a year out to work before going to uni so will have a small amount of savings (if she finds work). I won’t be funding uni, she will get loans and will have to find work if she wants extras.

Stuff like house deposits are of course optional but it’s the day to day costs that I’m more conscious of. If we go out to eat it will be basically four adult meals and drinks. Clothes and shoes etc. well once they’re teenage you’re basically funding the day to day lives of other adults. That’s what I think a lot of people don’t think about when they plan kids. Nursery fees aren’t the half of it! And of course you can survive not spending much but I want to be able to eat out etc occasionally with my family! We’re super conscious of how much more expensive our young kids will be in ten years and that our family spending budget will probably be double what it is now

This is why those with large families lots of babies and toddlers taking about “economies of scale” baffle me. They are only little for a few years. We want to be able to afford opportunities for ours extra curricular travel etc. teens are expensive. I draw the line at house deposits they will have to do that themselves - we did!

My kids have a giff gaff contract on their phones. They pay for everything else themselves (ie student loan for Uni, getting a job for a car and a house).

My parents didn't pay for anything for me. I didn't expect them to. I've done ok!

I also think that when the kids are very young, you are in a different mindset. It's hard to picture them as adults, standing on their own two feet.

When they're younger, you are the carers, the providers and it's hard to imagine hulking teens with lives of their own.

I do know a family member with kids in their 20s at home, the kids are still babied quite heavily, don't pay rent, neither do their partners, who also live there fore free,ferried around still by the parents, all meals cooked I vowed not to do this.

It's really difficult at times.

I've been a single parent for nearly 6 years, during which time DD has gone from a relatively inexpensive 11yo to 17yo.

My parents have helped out a fair bit...they paid for her to have a mobile when she started secondary school. I took over the contract when she was 15 and wanted something more 'with it', and by the time.she upgraded last year, she had two part time jobs so now pays for it herself.

Clothes get more expensive, luckily DD hasn't been massively into branded stuff other than shoes - she's tall and a size 9 so gets those those birthdays/Christmas. She buys most of her clothes now and also pays for her own gym membership.

She gets a bursary for her college travel expenses - a bus card which she can use 24/7 and is a absolute godsend.

Driving lessons - birthday present from my mum who paid for 10 hours worth, she saved some of her wages and Christmas money for for the next few. I've paid for her theory test.

Uni is a worry. We'll be doing open days this summer...4 day trips to London and two weekends to unis further afield. XH has declined to get involved and I've not been working for nearly 18 months due to becoming a full time carer for my elderly parents, so none too sure where the money for that will come from.

As for uni itself, she'll get full loan, and I have got a decent amount if equity in our house so am prepared to downsize to a 2 bed flat if necessary.

The other thing I did while I was working was start a SAYE account...having between £10-£50 a month deducted from wages.

It wasn't much but it meant the cash was there when she needed secondary school uniform, school trips etc.

@HelpMeHiveMind

The AIBU here is a bit misplaced- obviously IBU to not have realised children cost lots. We've purposely only had 2 (although we'd love 3) as didn't feel we could provide everything we wanted for more. I also know millions of people manage - probably with lots less than us...we are quite comfortable although live in SE where it doesn't go anywhere near as far as it would elsewhere.

My question is more how do people actually do it when they become teens / young adults and start needing:

• mobile phone contracts
• cars
• University fees
• uni accommodation
• maybe even house deposits

The really big things, basically, that they're unlikely to be able to manage alone.

We've been saving into accounts for them since babies but initially only at £25 pm (all we could afford back then), now £100 pm. It still isn't going to touch the surface of what they'll need. And there are two of them with a gap, so things like remortgaging are problematic as can't cover one and not the other. We are also mortgaged to the hilt already.

So how do folks do it?

My DD is only 9 so we're not quite there yet (and like you we limited the number of children we had to match our financial circumstances), but our planning involves the following:

• DH and I only pay £5 p/m ourselves for a sim only plan for our phones. We won't be paying any more than that for DD when the time comes.

• We don't even have a car ourselves! (We live in London). If DD wants one she will need to pay for it herself.

• University fees should not be paid upfront unless this is a cost that you can easily afford. For the vast majority of students this is a waste of money as they will never earn enough to repay the full loan and that amount of money could be better spent on other things ...

The two main costs which I think do need to be budgeted for are University living costs as the full loan goes nowhere near enough to provide the full amount (if you read MSE there's actually an inbuilt parental contribution to the loan amount students receive, but this is not explicitly stated upfront anyway!) and house deposit when the time comes.

So how do folks do it?

They don’t. The vast majority of people aren’t paying uni fees, accommodation costs and house deposits for adult children. Paying for teen mobile contracts probably is quite common but relatively inexpensive. Driving lessons and cars is very area dependent. If you live somewhere with cheap and reliable public transport and/or lots of facilities within walking distance then it is much more of an indulgence.
I did decide to pay for driving lessons (nearly £500 altogether) plus (luckily only one) theory and practical test (£100ish) and a low insurance category cheap to run car (£1500) and I pay ds insurance (£800 in the first year) because it seemed worth it when we were paying £1600 for his transport to school and giving him lifts to and from work etc. It has been a significant expense but worth it in terms of his freedom and our convenience. If I couldn’t afford it he’d be on the bus.
Students take out loans for 100% of their tuition fees and a chunk of their living expenses. Some will live at home during a gap year and save up from their job to help support themselves through a degree. The majority work while studying. Lots of people don’t go to university or will have their degrees funded in another way (degree apprenticeship, military etc). The governments LISA scheme is a good way for younger people to save towards a house deposit and I’m sure many parents do contribute towards deposits but it can hardly be expected.

I do pay plenty for tutors/hobbies etc now, to give them the skills to have options in the future.

Otherwise I am focussing on things like overpaying the mortgage.

They do cost an awful lot the older they get. My older three are only tweens and they’re already costing me a fortune. It’s when they start secondary school mainly, the uniform alone is eye watering. Phone contracts, bus fare to school, school dinners because no one takes packed lunches, school trips are more pricey especially if they go on the residential trips. Their shoes cost a fortune once they’re in adult sized shoes too, mine have been for some time now so I’m used to trainers setting me back £50 a time at least. They eat more too!

When they’re over 16 they can get a PT job to cover some of their own costs though but you’re right, driving lessons will be a dent. I think people afford it by getting into debt or getting a better paid career. I’m going back to uni this year with this in mind.

I miss how cheap they were when they were small like my younger two. Free on public transport and many places we visit, eat much less, much cheaper shoes and clothes and they don’t ask for much. It’s great at this age .

You sound like a worrier who’s planning too far ahead. Have 2 teens and a third, the eldest, at uni in first year. Discovered that cars are really discouraged at uni, no parking for those living on campus and very expensive permits otherwise. All my kids have refurbed phones and cheap contracts. All put their Christmas and birthday money into savings accounts and save towards larger purchases. We’re fairly comfortable compared to many people but believe the kids will benefit more from learning budgeting skills than being handed cash on demand.

Why do you think you should be paying for all these things? I lived in the days when nothing was paid for, I got a Saturday job and worked upwards when I went to University. There were no handouts.

I felt it gave me a sense of personal responsibility and independence, and I took the same stance with my own children. One child worked (starting with a paper round), one child didn't want to. Fine, but they weren't bailed out with cash (we didn't have any anyway) so took the consequences.

My son left home to go to work and missed out University altogether. My daughter went off to Uni, she took out the loans and also got a shop job and worked her way through it. There was no paying for driving lessons for either of them, no cars, no phones, no handouts. One child prefers not to drive even now despite having a job which pays an enormous amount. The other earns less money but saved and paid for driving lessons and even a small second hand car.

I think earning their own way teaches good life lessons, parents paying for everything really does not....

I have kids that are 12 and 15. They both had 2nd hand phones for Xmas last year, and the contracts are around £8-10/month.
DDs first laptop for school was a secondhand chromebook which she got for Christmas. It lasted 4 years (I replaced with a new one this year)

I think though it's harder for kids these days to get traditional Saturday jobs. My first job was saturday/Sunday and late night Thursday in a department store (ie the shifts that the Monday - Friday staff didn't want) Now if you work in retail all those will be expected as part of your contract.
My DD and a couple her friends do have pt jobs helping at sports clubs with younger kids. She also buys things at boot fairs and sells for a (tiny!)profit on vinted or depop. I sell their old toys and clothes (if good condition) on fb and they get the money.

Financially we are lucky that we fairly recently had an inheritance (of which the kids got a small amount themselves) and that will help towards some expenses at uni etc, but I'd much rather they would have had their grandparents a bit longer.

Don’t you think it’s important for them to throw themselves into life op?
Some of my friends worked their arses off to pay for their first car, lessons and test and were so so proud of themselves when they finally did it.

We’ll help as parents but won’t be buying these things fully for them.
Same with mortgages, sure- I’ll help, but not giving it to them on a plate.

Also, you don’t pay for their uni fees! I don’t know anyone who has done this, they will get a loan like the vast majority do. They will definitely work PT when they’re at uni, most students do.

• mobile phone contracts very cheap as long as you choose wisely and they could pay themselves with part time job

• cars nice thing to do if you can afford it but it sounds like you can't

• University fees student loan

• uni accommodation they can work part time, choose a cheap city, apply for loans and scholarships, but yes, it may be beneficial for you to contribute to this

• maybe even house deposits nice thing to do if you can afford it but it sounds like you can't

Most things on this list are totally unnecessary. I grew up in quite a "nice" area and I can count on one hand the number of people I knew who were gifted a car by their parents!

I think you're putting far too much pressure on yourself OP. You really don't need to buy each child a car, a house, pay their uni fees and accommodation costs, and furnish them with the latest iPhone. Do what you can for them. If they don't think it's enough then they'll need to sort it out for themselves.

We did lots of uni visits when they were at 6th form. Went to one particular university open day in a very affluent area. We were given a handout of projected personal costs for the young person. They were broken down into monthly expenses without tutorial fees. They apparently expected that the student would have a budget that allowed for £200 per month on clothing and £100 per month on toiletries. I was astonished. They also assumed the student would be bringing a car and factored in the costs for that. Absolutely hilarious. I didn't spend that sort of money on my own clothes or toiletries every month. As they grow Op you will get very good at zoning out the ridiculous things you will be told about how expensive teens and above are. You also don't have to compromise your future plans to give your children things they may want but absolutely do not need.
I have a friend whose son did a degree that needed him to do a masters afterwards to enable him to do that career. She couldn't afford to pay for it so he decided he couldn't do it. He blames her for the way his life has panned out. My son did a masters after working for 4 years after his initial degree. He got a student loan. We lent him £3,000 which he paid back a year after graduation. He worked part time throughout his masters. If your children want to do things they will find a way to do them. Paying for everything infantilises them.

Exactly forced. We pay for tutors for the weaker subjects and extra curricular activities that they are interested in and keep them fit. When we eat out it’s like 4 adults. Likewise theatre etc. so glad we stopped at 2

You don't have to pay for a lot of this stuff - but I don't think it's unreasonable to want to (I do too). I think it's one of the many reasons why it's nonsense when people say it's 'barely worth working' when they're little if most of your wage goes on childcare. That specific cost will eventually disappear but others will appear so significantly reducing your earning power long-term, as so many women do when they leave the workplace for multiple years, seems so unwise.

DS got a part time job in a supermarket from age 17 -21, first in our home town, then in his university city, we topped up his student loans by the amount parents are expected to which was about £3k a year. He didn't buy a car as didn't need one but he paid for driving lessons apart from some he got as birthday and Christmas presents, he paid for his phone and giffgaff.

Phones are birthday or Christmas presents and we are not an IPhone family.

We have been saving for years and now have enough to cover the parental contribution towards university living expenses (about 8k per child pa).

They will need to work part time/ holidays to top that up as necessary. Also to pay for driving lessons, although we will help w these. Not expecting them to own a car until they start work and that they can definitely finance themselves.

Grandparents ate saving for them which is money they could use towards a house deposit so that's one thing we need not worry about. Phew!

All those saying university will have to be self funded via loans -it is the expectation that parents contribute to living expenses, as unless they go to the cheapest university the maintenance loan is no longer enough to live on, even with part time jobs. Often the max nine grand loan doesn't even cover accommodation. Martin money saver has a lot of information on his website about how the student loans company and government should be more upfront with parents about this.

Personally as university is likely to be the biggest cost I would be seeing if my child actually needed to go (I know so many people who have never used their degrees) or thinking about getting their degree abroad.

Other than that I agree with previous posters that it's fine not to buy a first car etc - they can get that when they are working and need to. Phones can be your out of contract hand me downs. House deposit- it's a bonus if you can, but if you can't that's life. I personally think getting a part time job once they are 16 is a great life skill let alone getting extra money.

@Hankunamatata

Except mobile phone my kids will be doing the rest themselves just like I did. I wont have the ability to give them deposits or buy cars. I will help them put where I can but if they want those things they will have to work and save.

Exactly this

Barely anyone needs a car at university, knock that idea on the head. You don’t pay their university fees, they will pay them back through their salary over their working lives. Part time jobs and student loans are available to help towards living/accommodation expenses.

We only have 1 DC but it’s hard to see how she’ll ever be more expensive than she was when our nursery bill was £900 a month.