To be freaked out by affording (older) children?

[HelpMeHiveMind]

The AIBU here is a bit misplaced- obviously IBU to not have realised children cost lots. We've purposely only had 2 (although we'd love 3) as didn't feel we could provide everything we wanted for more. I also know millions of people manage - probably with lots less than us...we are quite comfortable although live in SE where it doesn't go anywhere near as far as it would elsewhere.

My question is more how do people actually do it when they become teens / young adults and start needing:

• mobile phone contracts
• cars
• University fees
• uni accommodation
• maybe even house deposits

The really big things, basically, that they're unlikely to be able to manage alone.

We've been saving into accounts for them since babies but initially only at £25 pm (all we could afford back then), now £100 pm. It still isn't going to touch the surface of what they'll need. And there are two of them with a gap, so things like remortgaging are problematic as can't cover one and not the other. We are also mortgaged to the hilt already.

So how do folks do it?

My parents never bought me any of that stuff. And I’m young enough to have had student loans/ fees etc. I always had jobs. Tbh I never even expected them to buy me that stuff- all in with step siblings etc there were 5 of us all of a similar age with 3 at uni at the same time- there’s no way they could have afforded fees and cars for all of us even if they had wanted to! Don’t raise your children to expect it from you

Is it very different now to back in ‘My day?’
I had a Saturday job from the age of around 15, worked all college/uni holidays from 18. I paid for my driving lessons myself (cost a fortune) and bought my first car myself for a few hundred. I did stay at home though and went to Manchester uni, so that cut costs, but I worked too and bought all my own clothes, going out money, phone etc myself. Obviously didn’t have to pay for accommodation and parents didn’t ask for board when I was at uni, the rest I always paid for by myself.
Parents didn’t give me a deposit when I bought a house around 12 years ago.
I do worry about all these things for our Dd, she’s only 3.5 but I need to start a savings for her, I’ll be encouraging her to work part time too though

@Tulipomania unless kids live at home whilst they study then parents are expected to contribute to student living expenses, which the maintenance grant only partly covers. If they dont then the student needs to earn that money and, often, have part of it ready up front.

You forgot, driving lessons, a car and insurance!

Lots of people on here saying that they should pay their own uni and it is covered by a loan.

That is only true if they qualify for the complete maintenance loan. If they don't qualify for the complete maintenance loan, then you, as parents, as expected to contriubute to uni fees, look up Martin Lewis yourtube video about funding for uni.
he says it is the best kept secret about uni, that parents are supposed to pay.

I worked full time from 15 (alongside school) and saved my money. Paid for driving lessons, first car and insurance at 17. Didn’t go to uni and bought a house at 19. Used equity from that as deposit on family home at 27 and paid off as much of the mortgage as we could before DD came along when we were early-mid 30s. Mortgage will be paid off long before we hit 50 saving £1k a month.

£100 a month plus half of any birthday/Xmas money in DD’s account since birth - no doubt she’ll want to spend more of her birthday/Xmas money as a teen but so far there’s £15k in her account. She tends to save her pocket money (£5 a week) so shouldn’t need to raid her savings routinely.

She should have about £25k by the time she turns 18. Plus we’ll be mortgage free and more able to support if she wants to go to uni/buy a house. I’d like her standing on her own 2 feet with a job, driving licence and car before that though.

@steppemum

Lots of people on here saying that they should pay their own uni and it is covered by a loan.

That is only true if they qualify for the complete maintenance loan. If they don't qualify for the complete maintenance loan, then you, as parents, as expected to contriubute to uni fees, look up Martin Lewis yourtube video about funding for uni.
he says it is the best kept secret about uni, that parents are supposed to pay.

Also, my dd can’t find a part time job for love or money so if we dont pay the short fall, she is screwed

@Porcupineintherough I have 2 DC at Uni. They get the minimum maintenance loan but we only make it up to the equivalent of the maximum, which is enough for them. We do still pay for phones and I pay for travel at start and end of term but that's all.

They work in the holidays & one has a part-time job during term time. Both at Russell Group unis so not cheap.

@Heyupourkid what is different is that some middle-class jobs that were previously well paid, no longer are. So these people look at their parents and their lives, and have equivalent jobs and think life is much harder for them.
Yes house prices are more, but many of us could not afford to buy until older even years ago.
And most people did not go to university when it was free. That is why the government could afford to make it free. The number of students was capped by the government. As soon as the cap was removed numbers soared and the government made it no longer free.
I am in my late fifties. When I was young well off people went to university and got help from parents. Most of us didn't and had to earn every penny we spent, usually from 16 years old.
The ideas presented as normal now is the normal for a privileged group in society.

I think supporting a child at university outside the most expensive cities is around £10k a year. It's absolutely loads but that is what we are saving for.

All the other stuff we won't cover (unless they don't go to uni). Most university students can get by without a car (except some degrees with placements). Phones we'd stop paying for at 18.
If they don't go to university then we'd use that money for driving lessons etc but it's so expensive to insure a car under 21 that I wouldn't be rushing into lessons/cars at 17.

We're not planning to gift a house deposit as a matter of course. If things change and we were to inherit some money or have a windfall that would be reconsidered but again, if your children go to university then renting and house sharing offers good flexibility. In my experience most graduates who move away for Uni are probably not ready to think about settling down until at least a few years post graduation so mid 20s.

And if students dont qualify for the full loan, it is because you are earning too much and have to contribute. This was always the case even when university was free. Your parents always had to contribute of their earnings were too high.

My point is that it is means tested. So parents who can't afford to contribute (we can, fortunately) don't need to. If OP can afford to save £100 a month for her DC then she's unlikely to get the maximum loan, but by the time her DC are old enough for Uni she should have a good savings pot & also her and her DH's careers will presumably be more advanced and they will be earning more.

@steppemum

Lots of people on here saying that they should pay their own uni and it is covered by a loan.

That is only true if they qualify for the complete maintenance loan. If they don't qualify for the complete maintenance loan, then you, as parents, as expected to contriubute to uni fees, look up Martin Lewis yourtube video about funding for uni.
he says it is the best kept secret about uni, that parents are supposed to pay.

Yes, there is an inbuilt parental contribution which is not made explicit, but this applies to the maintenance (cost of living) loan only. There is no parental contribution required to university tuition fees as these are covered in full by the tuition fee loan.

My part-time job was as a lifeguard- I did the NPLQ course at my local pool at age 16 (can’t remember who paid for that tbh) and never had any trouble finding work. The pool where I live now is always advertising. It’s a fantastic job for teens/ young people, the shifts fit in better around uni and the pay is much better than bar work/ retail etc. I’ll definitely be promoting it to my DC.

I think supporting a child at university outside the most expensive cities is around £10k a year.

Nope - we are paying about £4.5k a year.

Some things you just manage because you have to. My kids will have help (government) with uni because we’re low income, from what I’ve seen of people I know at uni and from the maintenance I get there is a lot of help. Almost all low income families will qualify for this - I understand it’s very different if you’re not low income though, in which case I would either be saving bit by bit or encourage the child to attend university close to home or perhaps attend later after working for a some time.

You don’t need to provide your child a house deposit. They will get a job and save up to make their own way in the world.

You are doing your DC no favours if you continually buy things for them, my DS is 20 ... I have never bought him £50 trainers , he learned that wanted designer brands etc he had to earn the money and save .. he got a paper round at 13 and has had numerous part time jobs ever since, even set up a car wash business during strict lock down. He's at Uni now and manages perfectly well. He saved up for his own car ... many of his friends were given cars on their 17th birthday .

@Tulipomania sure, that's what most people do. But for my sister that was a contribution of 6k per annum, toral 18k, which is hard to whistle out of nothing if you are not expecting it.

I have 2 kids and no way could we find 32k within a few years just like that, so we are saving in preparation. And yes I will expect them to get part time work on top of that.

My mother never paid for anything. I was an emancipated child and considered a ‘mature’ student at 19. I applied for every single grant and scholarship I could get my hands on and managed to keep my debt under £18k.

I’m steering DC towards vocational courses rather than Uni with the understanding uni can be done later when they’ve got a bit more understanding of what they want to do.

I do have a trust fund for DC that matures at 18 so that will either cover driving lessons or some education. It’s not much but it’s a step I didn’t have.

I won’t be paying for house deposits or anything like that. I can’t afford to.

Though we really should be focusing not on what we can and can’t afford for our kids but changing the system so our kids can afford what we could afford. The cost of living - rents especially - are keeping many of us clinging to the bottom with social mobility being massively reduced. That’s the problem.

I got a part time job at uni, I paid off uni debts once I got a full time job after uni, I saved my own deposit for a house (even though it took ages!)
My parents weren’t financially able to help me. It was tough but it’s made me into a hard worker who doesn’t expect it all on a plate. I will help my dc more but not much more because I don’t believe in the bank of mum and dad.

Ah, cant maths! 36k

I never got given financial help for uni driving phones etc.

I had a Saturday job from 14 in a cafe where by if I wanted expensive clothes I paid half and my parents paid half.
When I was 15 I would work in the holidays to earn extra and started an apprenticeship at 16.

My parents paid half my phone contract and I paid the other half.

All through training and college they covered all travel costs and half my phone and any uniform equipment etc needed and then once I was out in the real world at 18 I had to budget.

I would get money for birthday and Xmas from family to help towards the cost of learning to drive and my first car was a £500 banger

Although I do understand not wanting to see your kids struggle! But unfortunately mine know we aren’t a wealthy family, and while I love to give them things when I can there comes a point where a young adult needs to be aware that mum and dad can’t afford to give them their driving lessons and uni in an expensive city and a housing deposit. I don’t think that does them any harm at all.

my dd can’t find a part time job for love or money

Really? The hospitality sector is desperately short-staffed at the moment. They employ loads of students.

You don't HAVE to do any of that.
Many people simply can't afford cars or deposits.
It's nice to be able to help , maybe you could get them set up at uni eg bedding , tv etc.
Just do what you can comfortably afford.